finance issues

[strong_outside]

I am a cis female. My husband came out as Transgender MTF early this year. Things are going well and we are takings things one step at a time. My spouse has been seeing a therapist for a year and has been given a referral/ recommendation this month to start hormone therapy. We decided to hold off on that step until the new year because our insurance plan was close to being renewed. I purchased the better insurance to help ease the cost of therapy and medication. But now, just recently, my spouse quit their job. This a reoccurring thing. Quit one job and find another. Unemployment ranges between a week to a few months. In the 8 years we have been together our finances have always been separate. I take care of big bills (mortgage, car payments, etc) and they take care of smaller bills (electric). Now I am worried that this major life change will fall on me and I do not have the income to cover it. Medication isn't an issue because insurance will cover basically all of it. Insurance will also cover 80% of surgery. But even 20% is easily 10k at least. I just can't be responsible for that. I need my spouse to understand the responsibility of what they decide to do. That they cant keep quitting their only source of income expecting something to come up. It has now been a month of unemployment and my spouse is going through depression because they ran out of money. I can barely cover my big bills, the small bills, and necessities. But i dont have the money for the therapy so there hasn't  been a session in a month. I dont want to bring all this up to my spouse right now because i know they are having a hard time and this will just add to it. My plan is to wait until they have a new job and i can sit in on a therapy session. I know my spouse wants the surgeries. But i need to know their thoughts and how they would feel if we cant because of our limited finances. I dont want to get half way into hormone therapy to have them give up on their dreams all together and become more depressed because they cant afford the end result. Any thoughts?

[Dena]

This is messy because there is a way out but it's hard to get to. A good deal of the problem is caused by two things, the lack of therapy and HRT not being started yet. It's not so much the HRT that's  the issues, it's the lack of blockers. The blockers will stop T production which will reduce a good deal of the depression. Without the blockers the depression is difficult to deal with. The remaining depression will be removed in therapy by setting goals and accomplishing them. If money were an unlimited item, the transition would be going smoothly but without therapy and HRT you are seeing the results in depression that is sufficient to kill any ambition to work.

I had intense depression when I transitioned because blockers weren't available. I understood work was the only way I could transition and fortunately my work required enough thought that it could reduce the depression I felt for a few hours a day. The rest of my day was return to the apartment, eat, watch TV and sleep. I did that for far to long in order to achieve my transition, I achieved enough goals before surgery that effectively I was a woman so the depression was pretty well under control before surgery. Post surgery, I haven't had to deal with the depression in 33 years.

If therapy isn't possible, at least see if there is a way to start the blockers. That might help enough that you can get two incomes again.

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[Bimmer Guy]

Do you know why they quit their jobs?  Is it depression?  Is it dysphoria?  Or is that they are just used to you picking up the pieces, so they quit jobs when they are unhappy? 

I personally think that unless there is a significant psychological reason that they keep quitting their job and there isn't an agreement that only one of you needs to have consistent income, then you should expect that they hold onto a job until they have another one.

I like Dena's idea of putting out money for a blocker now if you can afford it.  It could help with any depression that may be dysphoria related.  When they get another job they can head back to therapy and get estrogen.  I hear that them not doing therapy/estrogen now is about money, but I also think a bonus of the situation is that it could be helpful to their own process of being motivated to get and keep a job, if they have something they are working towards.

I like your idea of telling them in therapy that they need to hold onto one job before getting another if they want to move forward with things like surgery.  It may help them from quitting jobs when frustrated.  Obviously, therapy would also be a great place for them to figure out why they keep quitting jobs.

As an aside, I believe that it is suggested that people not go past 6 months on blockers alone for health reasons.  So, if typically takes your spouse longer than 6 months to get their next job, they may want to delay starting the blocker.  I imagine it would be quite emotionally damaging to have to go off of the blocker after having been on it.  HRT is like nirvana for some of us.  It would be worse for me to stop taking testosterone (I am FTM), then to have delayed longer to start it.

I personally think that even if you could cover all costs, you would be doing your spouse a disservice by paying for everything if they have the ability to participate in paying for it by working.  Know that you are still being supportive even if you set a limit in this regard.