when I sit down and really think

[enigmaticrorschach]

idk anymore. when I think about transitioning I become hesitate, indifferent, I little upset. however when I think about not transitioning, I become angry, volitale, and destructive. I've been in therapy for close to 2 years and I'm always ending up at square one. really I don't mind and have no room to complain because face it, I have no control over it. I'm going to NYC for an intake in January but honestly its because I'm forcing my hand due to desperation in trying to attain some for of fullness or at least understand the concept. I'm really at a lose on what to do. it just really seems like staying stuck is my best and only option under the circumstances that seems extenuating.

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[Dena]

From your description, it sounds like transitioning is the best solution to your issues but something is holding you back. Some of the issues I had to deal with were family and fear. Fear of appearing in public., fear of not passing, fear of not finding a job, fear of making a mistake about transitioning and fear of not finding happiness. You may have one or more of these fears and you may have one I haven't thought of. All of these fears can be overcome but you have to decide your only option is to move forward and staying where you are will only continue to give you discomfort.

For me the decision was simple. I couldn't continue to live my current life and my only options was to move forward. If I made a mistake by moving forward, I knew it couldn't be any worst than not transitioning. Yes, it was a huge amount of work. Most likely far more than you will face but it was worth it. The pain has been replaced with happiness. That is possible for you but you will have to decide you want more than you have now and you are willing to do the work it will require.

[enigmaticrorschach]

things come easy to me because I don't expect thus I don't get dissapointed. I'm emotionally cold so being laughed at or ridiculed means nothing to me. the only thing I fear is spiders (little 8 legged creatures are evil) I guess what's holding me back is my internal fight. one part says no, the other part says yes. its like an angel and devil on my shoulders but this time is the devil that saying go for it.

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[katrinaw]

I felt the same for many years, always kept putting it off, what about work?, what about my wife?, what about kids? etc, etc...
And after many years of yes/no/no/yes... I picked yes... simply no matter what I cannot carry on in constant battle with my logic's and emotions.
Its not easy, its a massive leap into the unknown... exciting? maybe, depends on your own makeup.

Love the angels and demons analogy 

You'll get there, suddenly one day it'll just fall into place.

L Katy xxx

[enigmaticrorschach]

I simply don't want to follow what I feel. I have to think with my head because the heart fools you and gets you into trouble. my head is telling me is foggy due to what's going on with me so I'm at a lost on what to due. I'm following what I know and even that isn't correct. what are my instincts telling me? that I can't tell. as far as putting it off, I won't do that since when I decide to do something, it goes against my principles so I'll do it but I'm not expect nor am I wanting a good outcome since the experience may end up in disappointment

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[Dena]

I see the problem. I spent years in therapy attempting to reason this out and it didn't work. It's etched into your brain and there is no way to remove the feeling or control it. Your sexual sexual preference, likes for food and even your desire to live are just as engrained into your brains as your transgender feelings. Your head is resisting something you need to survive.

It comes down to a simple decision for the logic part of you. If you fight this you will continue to be unhappy. If you go with it, you will be rid of the feelings, become comfortable in your body and be happy in life.

Before we transition, we think what we feel is we want to become the opposite gender. Your view changes after the transition. I now feel completely comfortable in my body and it feels like I have always been a woman. The memories an pain of the past are distance memories. I am still the person I was before and possibly better able to reason because I am no longer distracted by feelings I was unable to control.

There is a reason therapy programs call for RLE before surgery. It gives you the option to test drive the new role. If you find it's not right for you, de transition. Nobody here will criticize you for it. All it means is you haven't found where you belong. On the other hand, if you are like me, you will find RLE is most of what you need and you will be able to confirm you are not making a mistake. For the most part, any treatment I received while in RLE was something I wouldn't regret if I de transitioned. The first irreversible step I took was GCS. Legally I couldn't alter my paper work until after surgery so had I decided I made a mistake, I could flip back to boy mode and be done with it. Needless to say, that didn't happen.

[enigmaticrorschach]

it is what it is though. just sometimes I wish I didnt phase through so to speak. some days I'm perfectly fine, without a care and I'm actually happy but than some days I can't stand the skin I'm in, I become super destructive, enraged, out of control and impulsive.

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[Dena]

I am going to ask something personal here and if you don't want to answer it, don't and I won't ask it again. There are three stages of testing the new role. Cross dressing in private, Part time in public or full time in public. Have you engaged in any of these and do they help?

If you haven't experimented with the feminine role and continue to fight it you will continue to be uncomfortable. It would be nice if there was a way we could avoid a transition but I don't know of a way that works. The doctors spent over 4 years trying to find something wrong with me and one doctors said it very clearly. There was nothing wrong with me other than I wanted to be a girl. I went into therapy with the goal of being happy and the only way I found to do that was to give into my feelings and transition.

I was raised in an environment where we didn't go into rage but I had major depression which wasn't there all the time, was present far to much of the time. That depression ended when I was able to see myself as a woman. It didn't happen right off but it happened before I had surgery.

I know you may still be at a stage where there are things you don't want to talk about. I am at a point in my life where I am willing to talk about anything. You may ask any question of me without worrying about offending me. Just let me know what it takes to get you moving and I will do my best to help you.

[JoanneB]

It was back in July right after my birthday and just before my TG support group meeting. I traveled the 350 miles to my home down there. The place where I first took the trans-beast on for real. The place where I learned how to be alive, where I rediscovered joy. The place where I was able to live part-time as female. While I was away, I had a disaster happen in the kitchen. Upon my arrival I had an 8 hour mess to clean up. Having to toss away so many symbols and remembrances of a different live I had.

For a good week to 10 days I was so down I cried almost every chance I could. Gone were reminders of a far happier time. A time before other aspects, equally important if not more so, of my life had a higher priority. Reminders of life that needed to be put on "Hiatus". The kitchen disaster, a reminder of what will never once again be. The disaster just another reminder of what Can Never Again Be!

What finally stopped the water works was an epiphany. It suddenly dawned on me why. Why I was so depressed. Why the tears. Why the overwhelming feelings of life lost yet again.

I do not want to NOT Be Able to transition!

I have long felt lucky to not be a member of the transition or die club like so many others that joined my support group. I've seen many on their first night scared as I was. Within a few months or a year going full-time, unlike me. Unlike me they overwhelming needed to. Like them I knew the option was there to save me like a life raft on a sinking boat.

[enigmaticrorschach]

I have a certain bit of jealousy when it comes to others. their happiness, success, those sort of things. its like sure I can also do it but the problem becomes do I want to. I gave up on the idea of hoping wishing and dreaming a long time ago. the idea of happiness isn't a goal of mines. my goal is to just make it to the end and just die. I don't dream of what could anymore, I don't get deja vu nor can I see "predictions" anymore like a use to. everything is thrown out of wack and spiraling to a direction that's so left field is like a sentence gone on a tangent. it makes no sense at all but than what does anyways. to transition or not to transition isn't the question anymore but rather does it make sense to do either. its like I've already reach the end of evolution and can't change anymore. for someone as young as me, its scary to think that any moment, your life will expire any second but yet again, death doesn't scare me. is there a point to all this and if there is, what is it and what am I missing? love isn't a problem, money doesn't have a factor anymore, happiness already has it place so what piece to this puzzle am I missing?

[Dena]

Try this out for size. From age 13 on I knew that something was wrong and I wanted to be a female. I also knew that is was possible from a news paper I saw shortly after figuring it out. There were years of cross dressing when I could and depression when I couldn't.The depression wasn't constant but I had it enough that I am sure I would have done better in school hand I not been dealing with it so much of the time.

Finding a therapy group where I could start the transition helped because I now had a way to transition. However it wasn't until the second year of RLE when it came time to decide on surgery that I looked back and saw how much more comfortable I was with life as a woman than I had ever been as a male including the time before age 13. Life as a male no longer had anything attractive to me and life as a female was my further. I hand the doubts in the back of my mind up to the moment the lights went out on the surgical table but my first thoughts waking up were, I can't see, I hurt, I want to go back to sleep but I made the right decision. Post surgical I have never thought I made a mistake.

Life for me is free of depression and my mind is free of thought that I am the wrong gender. I am happy over the least little thing and the smile in the picture is real and I wear it often. I didn't drink or use drugs before surgery because I feared if I found something that took the pain away, I wouldn't get the treatment I needed. Post surgically I still don't drink or use drugs because I don't want to miss a minute of life.

I don't think you have ever felt true happiness where you don't have a care in the world that bothers you and you can live and enjoy the moment. I don't see how any drug could compare to the feeling I have every day. It was worth every bit of effort I put into it and it was far more difficult for me to transition that it will be for you. The help available today is so superior compared to what was available to me when I started in 1974 that there is no comparison. It's my hope that you find the happiness I have and I am willing to help you do that however I can.

[enigmaticrorschach]

I doubt transition would make a difference. I tried transitioning a few months ago and felt the same way. nothing changed. I'm missing something but what idk. I'm tired of looking so I'm reserved in what is. whether I find the answer or not is out of my control. I just have to learn to live with what is this moment and not fight it. what's keeping me going is my acceptance of my situation. have I fell in depravity? maybe. society has its ways of corrupting even those who believe they are uncorruptable such as myself? can I break free? of course I can if I so choose to but I won't not because I'm scared, I just don't want to fight anymore. when I sit and really think of my action, I find that I'm being cruel to myself, denying why inner instincts a chance to become something more and I know that. it makes me sorrowful that I'm doing something so unimaginably cruel and wrong but my logic says don't fight a battle you can't win. doesn't mean I gave up, just means its a battle I shouldn't get involved because I'm so ill prepared. I have friends and family who care about me so as long as I have that, what's my motivation for entering a never ending war again? what do I have to gain and what sacrifices do I have to make? am I so important to be selfish? what is my value? I'm just a person, a drop in this massive ocean that's so easily replaced when something better comes along.

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[Dena]

The transition isn't something you just try out. It's something you have to put some real time into. My RLE ran about 2 1/2 years because I ran out of money. I am not sure things would have turned out as well had I had my surgery at the end of the first year. My mind still hadn't accepted that I was a woman living a woman's lifestyle at that point. It was near the 2 year mark when I had the money for surgery and I need to make the decision to book the surgeon that I realize the last few months I had put the past behind me.

Some become more comfortable in the new role faster than others and people like me with a huge amount of baggage from living so long with out help take longer to resolve our issues. It's nice to be able to talk it out but that's not how emotional baggage works. You need to address the issues in therapy and then over time you heal emotionally. For some, a few months of RLE might be plenty but for others a couple of years may not be enough. The one year rule was a compromise and it existed when I transitioned however if your therapist felt you weren't ready for surgery, they would delay the letter.

As for your worth, I don't know. When I transitioned the internet didn't exist and when I left the therapy group I thought I was pretty well done helping others like me. I could have never predicted that I would be on a site like Susan's helping other deal with the issues I had so many years ago. I know I have helped some of the users but how many guest have received help from one of my posts? If you were to deal with your issues there is no telling what type of mark you could leave on the world.

[Ms Grace]

I doubt transition would make a difference. I tried transitioning a few months ago and felt the same way. nothing changed.

I agree with Dena. You can't really say whether a transition was successful based a trying it for a little bit. A full transition really requires a firm intention, clearly you don't have that and that's OK. There's no point in transitioning if you don't feel comfortable about it or have doubts. I can't suggest you do one thing or another, that is your choice 100%. And you're right, trusting one's heart can be dangerous because it tends to make very emotional and passionate decisions. But by the same token logic and thinking isn't always going to solve an issue either.  And at the moment you are stuck in over thinking mode. History is littered with wasted opportunities that came about because people stuck to their logic instead of following their heart. In the end big life choices needs to be a combination of both. Understand the risks and know the difficulties but go into it not because it is what you want to do, but because it is what you need to do for your own peace of mind.

Take it from someone who was an over thinker, many years ago I couldn't do anything for over thinking and giving in to my fears. But if you are road blocked by your thoughts and still in emotional pain because of it and an inability or refusal to do anything about it then something has to give eventually. Often catastrophically. You have the choice not to do that. You have all the facts at hand, you know the risks, you're smart enough to work through them if they arise, are you able to do what you feel is the best thing to do for you?

[enigmaticrorschach]

I don't have any issues. my depression and anxiety is due to a traumatizing past. my therapy sessions are many focused on dealing with my trauma because my therapist doesn't see an issue or me having any regret transitioning. I had to stop my transition due to my doctor not reading my history first and stopping my meds. sure I do over think but eventually I break free and just go for whatever I'm over thinking. I just still have no value for living. I find living constricting, suffocating and trapped. like a bird in a cage without a door to escape through. only when I close my eyes and fall to sleep do I feel free. death is a never ending sleep so whenever I wake up, I literally start crying. I don't have that spark anymore. maybe its because I kept "dying" so to speak I lost the will. drowning, overdosing, bleeding almost to death, suffocating, beating till you black out for days, bones breaking that you have to be sedated just to get through, tires almost crushing your throat, twice freezing almost to death after twisting your ankle snowboarding, and almost getting crushed in a car crash. I've been through it all. life doesn't have that value anymore. when one drops the fear of dying, you lose the drive to love your life the fullest and actually actively seek out happiness. I'm not stuck i just reserved myself to my fate. what if I transition, will I find that spark again? highly doubt it. Is it a need for me to transition? of course it is because I feel even more trap and when I was transitioning, I was freed from some of my shackles. between being half freed and trapped completely, I'd take half freedom any but I stop myself from expecting a good outcome because expecting=massive disappointment everytime

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[Dena]

Depression is accumulative and it sound like you have your share. I am not a doctor but it's kind of like PTSD and TG combined. If you deal with both of them, I think your spark will return. Just dealing with transsexualism pretty much killed any ambition I had to live life. I would get up, work, eat dinner and watch tv until bed time. Week ends I didn't go to work. I had no friends and didn't socialize with anybody at work. Post surgical I had a roommate who I shared many things with and I lived life. I did things and had interest outside of watching the TV. Yes you need to deal with all the issues you have but I think there is a life worth living waiting for you.

[Ms Grace]

Sounds like you are in a really rough place at the moment. Like I said, the choice is 100% yours, and you seem to be in a fair deal of distress about transition whether considering doing it vs not doing it. An apparent no win situation. The fact that you are have ideation about death as a release is worrying and I hope you have made your therapist aware of this. Even if you are not contemplating self harm it is clear you are extremely depressed and should be seeking help around that before it progresses.

And you know what? You don't have to solve the puzzle of whether you could or should transition right now. Take time to sort the other stuff out first, you might find that in doing so it helps give you some clarity around your gender identity and whether you still want or need to transition.

Hugs.

[enigmaticrorschach]

its not distress. its the lack of expecting a positive outcome. its going in with my guard up because I don't want to be disappointed. I don't have ideation as much as I did a while ago. I have the love of my family and friends so me dying would only hurt them and I rather not do that because its not about me anymore. my goal isn't to solve the puzzle but rather to gain and understanding of what this giant puzzle looks like and is about. I just want to be able to cry, laugh, smile, not feel run down all the time, not feel so numb, and be comfortable. but if numbing myself and turning off my emotions makes it tolerable to go on than so be it.

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[Jacqueline]

I have the love of my family and friends so me dying would only hurt them and I rather not do that because its not about me anymore. my goal isn't to solve the puzzle but rather to gain and understanding of what this giant puzzle looks like and is about. I just want to be able to cry, laugh, smile, not feel run down all the time, not feel so numb, and be comfortable.

Wow, I was reading this series of posts. I had read and replied to some of your posts before, Riley Echo Alcestis. I find your points interesting and was curious where these were leading. However, you just nailed exactly how I feel right now. Maybe it is a lack of sleep and not having time for this site in about a month...

Unlike you, I am pretty sure I want to transition and am taking a while to prep for it(too long it sometimes seems). However, the apathy I have felt lately has been hard to nail down.

I am sorry you feel that way. I certainly understand the not wanting to shoot to high for fear of disappointment. I hope we both find a more positive and maybe emotional way to leave our respective valleys.

Joanna

[enigmaticrorschach]

I just feel like no one understand or is helpful because I'm not getting anywhere no matter how much effort I put in. there's no point anymore. I just give up. i develop a complete immunity because nothing works anymore. I try and try and try and I try those things a thousand more times. when they said there are endless choices was completely wrong