Dad came out MTF transsexual, Mom is in Denial

[hquinnie]

I'm looking for some suggestions to help my Dad and Mom. My dad has decided he is a woman, and has come out to my mom. AND I have read his letter and it explains so much. I used to be embarrassed of my dad, but I get him more now. He has struggled for a long time with this thing and him and I have talked in depth about it. My mom also is a wonderful person, liberal, intelligent, emotionally sensitive and a beautiful person and my role model for being honest and loving.

My dad wants to transition and says he has waited to long and is depressed. He wants to do HRS, and SRS and is giddy in some ways about this, its weird..haha  but I love him and I believe he needs this. My Mom says she she wants to support him but doesn't believe he is a woman and never was! Which blows me away because I say she is in denial. When I ask her to do research and I give her web sites my friends told me about  (like this one, ->-bleeped-<- mypartneristrans) and others she won't do it. What is even more exasperating is that my dad bought her some books on this and she threw them away.  I talked to my mom and she feels he(she) is making this up, and is out of his mind. Maybe she is partly right, but on the other hand I believe my dad. Why would anyone say this, if they weren't? I mean seriously... and I made this point to her!  She feels like her life is over and I pointed out that she has a future, with him/her or alone, or with someone new, or she can become a cat lady or get a dog . I also told her that to leave him just because of his gender or a change in gender is ridiculous in this day and age. Half my friends are gay, bi, metro, alien, vamp, or some form of something.

So my dad is suffering, he doesn't want to leave my mom, he loves her, he doesn't want to lose his family, I told him I would be fine and I get it, but still he sees divorce or family break up as a no go for transitioning. So he is not doing it and even cancelled appointments he had secretly setup. I told him thats stupid and to set them back up.

Yet...what can I do to get my mom to wake up and change? I mean yes this is happening, but to ignore it, or wish it away, or to force someone to live in a way that is not genuine is in my opinion wrong. What can I do to make my mom see clearly and quite frankly relax and stop smoothering my dad with her emotions! It is crazy! I mean geeeze. I'll take my answers off the air (radio talk show reference haha).

Thanks, peace, hugs

H

[Laura_7]

peace, hugs

Same to you 

Well its good you are supportive.

Baseline is your mom doesn't want to accept, for whatever reasons.

Its up to you but here are a few resources that might be shown:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,195129.msg1740788.html#msg1740788
This is a letter from an accepting dad.
Parts of it might be shown.
Some people have the same restraints like he talks about: was it caused it by an upbringing...etc...

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,194946.msg1736596.html#msg1736596
There are brochures by reputable sources, for example the british NHS, showing being trans has biological connections.
Its explained with pictures. A brochure says explicitly for trans people, their families and health care staff.
If its biological its nobodys fault... and its not likely to be a phase...

Some people make a comparison with a twin... they will be like their male/female twin, with the same sense of humour...

and your dad might see a good gender therapist...
the gender therapist to help them along, maybe with easy reversible steps first, to help you find out how they make them feel...
so that they have someone to guide them and help them along, and no rash but appropriate steps are made.... appropriate also in their favour, so that it moves along...
they might ask at plannedparenthood of a lgbt place for counseling...
or look here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,162888.msg1400316.html#msg1400316

You also might invite your dad to have a look at this site...
there are a lot of resources and comments from people in similar situations...
there is even a section for significant others, where people share similar stories...

same for your mum...
she might have a look here and possibly even become a member and ask questions.
its anonymous and might help.

Your mum might also look for counseling...
and she might talk to your dad, about deep feelings, about fears etc...
its also possible they need a bit of time to get over some expectations she might have...
well life can be different now but she can be happy too...

its not the fault of your dad, being transgender has biological connections.

Often people try to fulfill gender roles until they find out its not them...
its explained here from 3:35:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=KfXQxn98Q6I


hugs

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's place. Laura provide a number of links but the video is part of a series on youtube called "the transition channel" . I wrote  a coming out letter intended for children but it sill has useful information and it's located here https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,190312.0.html

The sad truth is this only works out about 50% of the time. The other 50% end up in separation no matter what we try to  do to save the marriage. Separation can come for a number of reason but two tend to stand out. The first is the person feels they have married a stranger. They think the transition will change us and make us a different person. The truth is they are seeing what was hidden for many years. The transition make us better people because we are no longer fighting ourselves and in couples who remain together, the person transitioning becomes more likable that before.

The second issue is "I am not Gay". This is very hard to deal with because it is understandable. To be suddenly faced with the fact they will be going to bed, hugging and kissing somebody of the same gender is impossible for some people to adjust to. Your mother is no more able to alter her sexual preference than your father is able to alter his gender identity. Sometimes couples remain together but it becomes a friendship instead of a sexual relationship.

If you mother is willing to talk about this, you might gain a better understand but don't get your hopes to high about helping them because even therapy may not keep them together.

I hope they stay together and I will do anything I can to help but the outlook isn't great.

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[Kylo]

One of the most useful conversations I had with my other half (who was not happy about finding out I am really a dude) was to ask him to look back at all the personality traits, behaviors, quirks, and other things I have always had from the get-go. Now I didn't hide any of those, and I'm aware FTMs have it somewhat easier than MTFs when it comes to being expressive of themselves. But you said that looking back, you now understand why your dad is the way he is - and I assume that means you picked up on behaviors and other things that make sense now that you know what his issue was.

My S.O. couldn't really deny I was a very odd female, but that he'd been blind to some of my very obvious masculinity because the assumption of gender trumps everything for most people. But it helped him to accept that these things had been there since the beginning - like ten years of our relationship - and I wasn't just making it up or going crazy. Perhaps if you could initiate a conversation about those things with her, she would pick up on the tells and signs too and not continue to think he's just acting up. She might not still accept it or anything, but it's worth a shot.

[Ms Grace]

Hi, welcome to the forum. As Dena pointed out "I am not gay" can be a huge factor in whether an intimate partnership remains together no matter how much two people love each other. As we know it is unreasonable to expect homosexual people to sleep with people of the opposite sex, likewise we can't expect heterosexual people to change their sexual orientation either.

At any rate, give her time to process this, it can take some people months or even years to accept the kind of changes that come with gender transition.