Spouse in denial

[WaterGirl]

I came out last night to my my wife as TG. I don't know how to embed a link, so a quick summary: 40, married 15y, 2 yo son, known since I was young I was TG (but didn't know the specifics then? Just knew...) musician in country band (not exactly TG friendly territory) in a conservative town in western CO. Wife knew I liked wearing women's underwear, but thought it just a fetish.
To the point, she was shocked and had a few questions. Now (granted a mere 24 hours later) she doesn't want to discuss it. Should I chill? Thank you all. This is a great site and quite inspirational.
Natty

[katrinaw]

Hi Natty,

I came out to my wife just on 2 months ago after over 40 years of marriage, went through distress, pain, hate and deep sorrow, she has lost her husband and my adult kids a father, grandkids do not know yet (we all decided to think about it a little closer to full time). We are still together trying to figure out how we move forward, neither of us really want to part, but my wife says, and I understand, that she did not marry a woman. I am sure we will divorce, I guess whether we split is hard to say at the moment.

So all I can say is, give her space, show you still love her, but don't swamp her. Remember, you can not help who you are and when you can't hide it anymore.

It takes time, you may both survive, many do! And I hope you do.

Hugs

And just ride out the ups and downs

L Katy xxx

[sam1234]

Hi. Its very difficult to find out that the person you thought you knew, you didn't. You know that you are the same person inside, but there are a lot of misconceptions out there. The fact that she accepted your wearing women's underwear shows some flexibility. Give her a couple days, and if you are in therapy, see if its either ok to bring her to a session or ask if there is someone in the area who counsels spouses of transgenders.

I am an F to M and told my ex two weeks into dating. She seemed to accept it immediately. After a while she started to question it, wanted me to take genetic tests and wouldn't go to the Dr. with me because she was afraid they would think she was a lesbian. Since your wife knew you as a "man" for a long time, it could go either way. For starters though, she needs to know what a transgender is. Many people confuse gender dysphoria with being gay or a lesbian.

Remember too that since she is straight, you are asking her to be in a same sex marriage. Another big consideration is that your child is only two. Long term memory doesn't start until age 3. I divorced my wife when my son was almost three and he has no memory of his life with my ex and I married or the place we lived in.

I hate to sound pessimistic, but your wife thought she was marrying a man. As Katrinaw said, there will likely be anger, depression and possibly feelings of betrayal as well. You had a choice in whether or not you transition while your wife doesn't. I'm not saying that you had a choice in how you felt, or that you were wrong. On the contrary, it took guts to come out to a spouse.

If you do separate or divorce, try to agree on some way that you can stay in your son's life. Both you and your wife are adults, while your son is just a toddler. His well being should be high on the list of priorities. If you can, even if you divorce, remain friends with your wife. Its harder to move on if you have kids, but it can be done. Try not to let things get messy for his sake.

I wish you luck

sam1234

[Obfuskatie]

Y'all should know the stages of grief. Let her mourn her idea of you. Remember that it took you ~30 years to come to terms with being trans. She may need a week, a month, a season, or even a year or 2 to fully accept and support you if that is her choice.
I don't think you're making her gay, I think she was partially attracted to you in the first place because of your femininity. Try to keep an open dialogue with her, to see where she is at. You may need to keep bringing it up because you both have to plan together what your outcomes will be. Your choice lies in whether you wait for her to come around and possibly reject you.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Jenna Marie]

Definitely give her time. You've known for a while, but she's had 24 hours to cope with the shock.

Around 45% of relationships do survive, and I'm in one of them - we're still happily together post-transition - so my advice comes from experience. From what I've seen, and lived, it's important to give her time to adjust (and the space to feel what she feels, even if it's not "good," because repressing those feelings can do harm in the long run) and to communicate as much as possible. Yes, those two can sometimes conflict, and right now I suggested leaving her in peace take precedence over communicating.

[WaterGirl]

As I imagine will become habit, I want to say thank you all again. Every response has given me validation and hope.
I gently brought it up this eve, and her response was, I guess, to be expected. She voiced concerns that our son might "remember" when he's 16 (he's 2 now) that I dressed F. When I tried to explain gently that he will not "remember," because he will have just always been exposed to it, she clammed up.
I pointed out that he has already seen me in a skirt/hose since birth, and other than one time, (explained as long underwear) he's never said a thing.
I am sure many girls here denied their GD (as did I) because of lifelong established cultural "norms," and it's apparent my wife is right in the mix.
My wife is a good old fashioned conservative, semi sheltered Wyoming girl. Long road to hoe here, I guess.

[JoanneB]

My wife knew from day 1 some almost 40 years ago I had gender issues, experimented with transitioning, and eventually "settled" into the CD portion of the spectrum. However, dropping the T-Bomb a few years ago was a shocker. Her world, her future dreams, our shared dreams, all turning on their head.

It is a lot to digest. We spent a lifetime attempting to get a handle on. In comparison, our SO's had mere milli-Seconds. I would give her time, but not too much. In another day or so try to bring it up again. Perhaps, like my wife and I do, set up a "meeting" so she can be somewhat prepared and especially, gives her a chance to say "I'm not ready yet" if that is the case.

[WaterGirl]

Well, finally, we established a dialogue. After a third gentle prod, with nothing more than a perfunctory response, I was more direct.
I told her I felt she was not "digesting," rather "avoiding" this.
I repeated your ladies' acknowledgment that I have known for 30 years, yet she for only a week or so, and as such I know time is needed. But, I also said that it's become the white elephant in the room and questions need to be voiced, as I feel she is "processing" without understanding the fluidity and dynamic. (Still thinks TG = automatic transition/ images of stereotypical "->-bleeped-<-s")
Reassured her of my unending love.
She is slowly understanding that sexual ID and sexual orientation are completely different. (I think). She admitted, although she has never said anything, she's never liked my wearing PH/skirt at home, and suddenly after my coming out, it's even less appealing. Which I of course saw the first time I wore them after I came out. (Even though Ive worn  them pretty regular for many years.) Because she feels like she lost her husband. I reassured her I'm still me, and just because I feel like Katie in my head doesn't mean anything except for one day at a time.
She looked a little funny when I said Katie lol.

Long story short, I thank all of you for your advice and your stories from which I can try to pass on bits and pieces that might help her relate. Just trying to get her past her squirmishness toward the whole thing. She can barely say transgender without an awkward ...pause...
Told her about Susan's Place forum for spouses, we'll see...
Ladies and gents, Thank your for your honesty about your stories and advice too.
Katie
Haha gotta laugh at myself, Natty is my (M) nickname-didn't even realize that's how I signed off.

[m1anderson]

I have been off the forum for almost one year.... For reasons.

Primarily because exactly what you are going through.

A little backstory:

I have felt the same way as most of you for my entire life. I played the masculine "a" guy to beard my inner Allie. Great in sports, life and work, and miserable and insecure inside. Married, great kids, nice life and freaking miserable.

Began seeing a therapist about three years ago.... No secrets; a therapist adroit at gender therapy. She is amazing and supportive. After about 9 months recommended me to a gender therapist HRT MD, we spoke at length and he recommended me a candidate for HRT and gave me scrips for HRT. His condition, as with my therapist was to dialogue with my long time spose prior to beginning HRT... That's fair.

I couldn't.

Took HRT for two months and never felt better. Wife even noticed a real change in my attitude and felt thre was a certain glow to me. Finally, after a great dinner I introduced the idea of Allie to her and explained all my suffering.

Shot Down wholesale.... Wouldnt talk or acknowledge me for days. I was thrown aback. My wife is liberal and understanding in life, non religious.... But I was a pariah.

So for he last 10 months I have been off HRT, continue massive therapy (therapist recommends moving on with my life, legitimately fearful for me) and have tried to be the man she knows and knew..... No further discussions allowed.

I am about to return to HRT, all agree it is very calming for me, only hope she understands but eventually she will know because of my attitude change, and eventually, hopefully my body change, and we will move forward. This is not all roses and butterfly's for everyone. My struggles are freaking intense.

[Tommi]

WaterGirl,

Going through very similar stuff here.  41, married about 18 years, 3 kids, 16, 6, and 3.

My wife has always considered it "fetishes" that I shaved off my body hair and wore panties.  Over the years accused me of wanting to be a woman, I denied it, to her, and myself, in hopes it would go away.

Never has. 

I finally admitted to us both I'm trans, a couple months ago, and it's been a rocky road since...