Closterphobic

[Hope1972]

Hello all, first I want to say that this site and all of you have been a great help and source of understanding in my journey to find myself.

Although my road getting to this point has been long, the trip of admission and action has been short by comparison to a lot I read on here.

Long story short, I have felt wrong in this body my whole life, I never understood it and always found other vices to keep me occupied, fortunately the most prevalent one was work. That one allowed me the financial freedom to so more now to correct my discomfort in my own skin.

In march of this year I had a bilateral orchiectemy because I direction the "boys" just felt wrong being there. I didn't have an idea or didn't admit to myself why I didn't like them. I have shaved from my neck down and painted my toes for years. Since my sirgery I have come to grips with who I am and why I have been so unhappy with myself.

I feel I need to say this, I am very masculine in appearance, all of my features are that of a man, facial features, bone structure, broad shoulders, tattoos, etc. All of which I find very attractive, on someone else.

Having said that, I have been on Estradiol for 3 weeks, I have a Rhinoplasty and blepharoplasty surgery scheduled in two weeks.

I know I'm heading in the right direction but due to my work and small community I can't outwardly be myself. I feel totally closterphobic and stuck inside the small box of a masculine body. I don't mean to complain, I realize my road has been easy compared to some, I just don't have anyone to share this with other than my wife, she has been very supportive, but I can't expect her to fully understand.

I am taking this one day at a time, but feel like I am suffocating and need to break out!!! Any advice?

[Dena]

Nothing instant but you might find comfort going part time in private and on the week ends away from where you live. Long therm you would have to come out where you live or plan a future somewhere else that you will be comfortable. I don't tell others about my past other than on this site but I have reached the point where I am comfortable with others knowing. If they read me and ask, I will talk with them. If I think they suspect, I don't worry and if they show no signs, i treat them just like anybody else.

We keep this secret for a long time and continuing to keep it becomes a habit even when it's not needed. My size alone is a giveaway and until I had my voice surgery last summer, my voice was as well. Just remember that you are doing this to help you get better and not for everybody else. If they have a problem with it, they need to learn to live with it. You on the other hand are working to get better.

[Hope1972]

I do have plans to move, but due to work I have 4 more years here. I am sure with the changes people here will start wondering even more than the do currently. I have had some of the joking comments which really mean the though has occurred to them already due to letting my hair start to grow out and wearing my earrings.