So, I may have stated before that I've managed to get an appointment with a counselor ("Therapist" doesn't sound right at the moment). Now, I'm a little nervous at how she answered my question pertaining to her having worked with people suffering from gender identity issues. Mainly the "Uhhh, yes, yes I have" made me feel like I may want to look for someone else. And I don't mean like she was distracted, it almost sounded like she was dumbfounded at my question.
Regardless, I find myself counting the days until the appointment and thinking of how best to explain my situation. Also, should I keep it short, sweet and summarized or should I just blow the whole hour telling her everything, pausing until the next session, then give her "My Gender Confused Life: The Conclusion?" Also, before she went back on her word of being supportive, my mother suggested I bring up how I had a pink baby shower and my earliest onezies (sp?) were pink. This came up shortly after I told her my female name and she quickly blamed herself for me "being this way."
That's another thing though and I've stated it before: My mother said the other night that this whole "really a girl thing" is all in my head and I don't really have Gender Dysphoria. Now, I've realized just how much of my own suffering I've hidden from my family, so I probably shouldn't have been so quick to take offense. But, there were nights that I'd actually cried myself to sleep over how nothing felt right, especially after I entered puberty. The fact of the matter is that when she said that to me, it hurt more than almost any discomfort or unfamiliarity I've felt in my entire life.
To make things worse, my self-doubt is leading me to consider her words as truth. At times, I wonder if I have a serious mental illness like DID and how much of a negative shift that could have on my own life. I know I'm just overthinking things again, but I tend to do it at work (had to work three hours over schedule because of my useless coworkers...). The last place I needed to be today was in the dark corner of a warehouse, sorting loose freight and being alone with my thoughts.
I plan to let the counselor choose the verdict, however. Worst case scenario, I have a really bad condition like Dissociative Identities or acute Bipolar. Best case (and basically a fantasy), she says I am a girl physically and have always been and I just lied to myself to think I was a guy. But then this would be the Matrix, as directed my M. Night Shyamalan... I dunno. Just been having funny thoughts lately.
Sorry for the vent, meant for this to be more hopeful. Just sweating the little things, like always!
