HRT and dysphoria

[AnamethatstartswithE]

Hello,

I've read several stories and reports on Susan's that say that many people will start hormones, find the dysphoria goes away, stop, and then the dysphoria comes back.

I am wondering how people feel about that. For those of you (I'm mostly asking the ladies, but any gentlemen with relevant experience should feel free to chime in) who have had this happen, how did you feel? were you initially relieved that you didn't have to continue the transition? or were you upset that it meant that you couldn't become the gender you wanted. If you went off and found that the dysphoria returned did you then feel bad that you again had to go through transition?

I'm still in the early stages here, I'm thinking of trying hormones as a diagnostic. I still have a lot of deep seated resentment inside me over being trans, and I don't want to potentially make it worse. ANy thoughts would be welcome.

[Deborah]

For me it did come back as strong as ever.  I was not initially relieved in any way when I stopped.  Rather, I was afraid because that time I was self medicating and first gained excess weight and then started feeling unusual chest pains around my heart.

I didn't feel bad about restarting either.  I felt relieved to regain peace of mind.

As far as feeling bad about transition I look at it maybe a little differently than many others.  While on HRT I neither want to not not want to.  I simply have to do it to some degree in order to maintain peace of mind and not hate every second of my waking life.  So, it's just a thing that is.  As for how far that needs to go, that remains to be seen.


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[Ashey]

My dysphoria has virtually disappeared since starting HRT. There are maybe a few lingering insecurities but it's nothing that time and effort won't solve. HRT has made me feel more complete. I felt like I was drifting before.. in a fog, hardly understood people and hardly related to anyone. I was quiet, and insecure. And I felt like I was maybe half female-brained and the other half was 'masculine' as a result of testosterone pollution. Now, I feel like I'm not only wholly female-brained but also a whole person. Like I woke up from a dream and I'm starting to live my life. I'm finding who I really am, I relate to people and understand them better, and I'm much more social. It's great. However, the times I've been off my t-blocker for a few weeks or several weeks, and my t-levels came back up, I felt the dysphoria coming back up. It's just been unpleasant feeling hornier and more aggressive. Just isn't who I am. And I will admit I've had a few doubts here and there, but they were silly and had no basis in reality. Just me worrying.

[Ms Grace]

I certainly feel a lot calmer now that I'm on HRT.

I still have a lot of deep seated resentment inside me over being trans, and I don't want to potentially make it worse.

It's unlikely the HRT would make your resentment worse, but the resentment is definitely something that you are hopefully working through with your therapist...

[Deborah]

I still have a lot of deep seated resentment inside me over being trans, and I don't want to potentially make it worse. ANy thoughts would be welcome.

I agree that HRT probably won't make it worse.  It might make it better since the incessant thoughts about it in your mind will likely be calmed greatly.  But really, you need to simply try and reconcile yourself and leave that behind.  Leaving god out of the discussion, nobody did this to you nor did you do it to yourself.  It's just one of those things that happens and holding on to resentment just hinders your finding peace no matter what direction you finally decide to take.  I have come to the point that while I realize I would have rather been born CIS, I wasn't and that's OK.  I am the sum of all my attributes and trans is one of them that make me who I am. 

Now, some resentment is warranted I think, but not inwardly directed.  Rather outwardly, directed to those elements of society at large that work to demonize us categorize us as a grave threat.  Even that resentment you have to control and channel in productive directions or it can grow to consume you too.


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[AnamethatstartswithE]

Thank you Ladies, I am discussing the resentment with my therapist.

Part of the reason I ask about this is I've had experiences where if I do something that releases a lot of endorphins (in my case distance running) the need to gender myself as female either lessens or in some cases completely goes away for a little while. It always comes back, and I've gotten to the point where I can just be thankful for the respite instead of obsessing over it. My concern is that if I take the hormones will I be caught in some sort of paradox where the medecine that makes me no longer want to present as female, is slowly turning me into a female. I hope some of you might have some perspective on this.

[Deborah]

. My concern is that if I take the hormones will I be caught in some sort of paradox where the medecine that makes me no longer want to present as female, is slowly turning me into a female. I hope some of you might have some perspective on this.

Yes.  Something like that happens.  But it's not quite like you have described.  The overwhelming and incessant drive to transition RIGHT NOW is gone.  But it hasn't been replaced by a drive not to transition.  Some might mistake the feeling for that but a year or so back off HRT will correct that mistaken notion. 

What has developed for me once I sorted it out is a contentment with who I am, an acute clarity of thought, and happiness with what I see in the mirror.

I don't think it was all just the HRT though.  While I have not transitioned in respect to "wearing dresses" and making public announcements, I'm not putting any effort into hiding either.  I dress largely male but at the same time wear my hair long (in an otherwise hyper conservative and male/military work environment).  I wear a feminine body spray which I don't know if anyone has noticed or not even though a few have commented that "something smells good" LOL.  Amongst people I don't know I get gendered ma'am more often than sir lately although I think many say neither out of doubt.  I have become the lone voice for LGBT things amongst my religiously conservative co-workers.  Like I have said in another post, I have subconsciously developed a pretty passive aggressive way of dealing with it all and for now that's working well.

For the first time in my life I am feeling unconflicted, comfortable, and genuinely real.  My mind is quiet and I can live in the moment.  And maybe because I am projecting that none of it is causing me any problems with anybody even though I get the feeling some might suspect something is up.  It also helps that I am extremely good at my job and that I really enjoy helping my coworkers when they can't figure something out.

Now if I did take the next step and make the announcement that might all change with everyone turning hostile.  I'm not sure.  But at this point the overwhelming need and drive to do it RIGHT NOW has been replaced with a contentment to ride this gentle current to whatever destination it leads.  I don't really know where that is yet either, at least not with 100% certainty.

And that's ok.  Before, everyday was a storm of conflicting emotions creating a cacophony in my head.  At least for now it's quiet.


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[Deborah]

You mentioned running also.  In the somewhat recent past I ran distance too.  And I was pretty good, winning lots of medals and trophies in local races from 5k to marathon.  And that did suppress the dysphasia for a time.  But it was like a drug that I needed more and more of to work that effect until I was physically incapable of doing enough and had to stop because of chronic exhaustion to the point my endocrine system was disrupted.  So, running is great but it's not a long term or permanent solution.


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[edenbijoux]

I stopped HRT in June this year, hoping to restart.

I stopped for two reasons. My current boyfriend couldn't deal with my transition and I didn't want to lose him and secondly my boyfriend was causing new dysphoria

6 months on my dysphoria is back with a vengeance and I now realise I made that decision for him and not myself.

Most of my HRT changes have reverted and it has contributed to my dysphoria.

I have my hormones but am scared of taking them again. I don't know what's stopping me. I do know that I resent being Trans and perhaps this is where it's coming from. I've accepted it but have such a deep seated hate within me for being born this way.

I know I want the changes back and want to transition fully again. I know periodically that most of dysphoria will go away once i see the changes and transition again but I'm scared. I cant wait to feel comfortable with my body again.

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