Ya I dont think my sister would like just not talk to me if she knew but it scares me of what she would say possibly. The fact is society likes to force you to stay on the line, play this game or what and regardless if your unhappy or angry about yourself inside, you feel like playing the role is easier. That role for me is a lie.
I was writing today while working since I had nothing to do. I just sit with my notebook and write. I wrote something and it's though something Ive thought about before, I never put it like I did today. When I at those rare times I feel like a guy, I dont like myself. I wrote that when the guy does come, Im an angry, unhappy, rude, arrogant nasty human being. When I feel like my actual self, I am a different person who kind, happy and humble girl who is at peace with herself.
I would think anyone would want you to be happy and more. I would think they would want to see a smile on your face. Like the dress code at work, the lady at work who I thought understood and confided in to tell her and all, well it turns out she didnt get it. She said she would help me since It bothered me soo much to be under the guys dress code. She said she got me exempt and all. Well when she said she would help, she lied it seems. She said you can't wear this, you can't wear that. For the last 2 or 3 weeks now, Ive still had to follow this collared shirt rule that is under dress code for guys when I thought I was exempt. Still in pain over that and I feel like telling her was nothing more than a waste of time. She doesnt seem to care.
I still dread going to where I work. I feel like a freak there having to walk that line and be unhappy. People still look at me as a guy and I understand that all people know as is a he but when you openly tell someone and they dont so anything to help you basically, it's just hurtful.
I write kind of jumbled up so I hope this makes sense.
