My sister made me angry today. Okay so I went to get a towel for my nails and soon a bit of makeup. Ill just do it online from now on. I told my sister that I needed a kitchen and bathroom towel. Okay so I was going to get purple. She told me that if Im a guy. Im thinking I didnt know purple was a girls color. Purple to me was always one of my favorites. Regardless, I can take one of the towels back and exchange it. I didnt want to fight about it.

Well than she started to fight with me about guys like has she been bullied by them, called slurs on the bus and been treated like Im just garbage by many guys most of my life. I dont understand them or relate to them. Im not rude to them unless they are to me. Well she got me so annoyed like she gets it. She never dealt with what I dealt with.

My therapist thankfully was around today to talk and he gets it. I told him that you have to walk a line and if you step off that line, you are wrong. It's like legalism(organized religion) with all these rules I have to follow and if I step outside, you are wrong or are this or that. He gets it and this is why I keep my secret to myself is for these reasons. It's judgmental how we people are as I told him. Regardless thankfully my sister doesnt know. That Im grateful for.

My mom and dad were never this way like my sister is. Like video games, Ill play as a girl if given the choice. I never got the choice so I like to be able to choose. She if I played as a girl in a game, that would be odd. My mom or dad just accepted that if there were girl interests I had, that it didnt mean I was weird. My sister wants things like always so stereotypical and on that line. It's frustrating but luckily she doesnt see me alot so I have much time to be myself, who I really am.

Im soo glad others are not this way.

I have worries about my sister too. She's always been a pretty accepting person and has even been to a number of pride parades and so on. But my mom told me a story about her saying she didn't want to move into a new apartment with some of her friends and one of her reasons for this was one of them was trans. This seemed out of character but scared me ->-bleeped-<-less. It's tough having a sibling that you think won't accept you for who you are. For some reason society tells us to walk this line you speak of, and unfortunately many people choose to stay as close to the line as humanly possible.


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Here are some resources that might help:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,197523.msg1756901.html#msg1756901

I'd say try to relax... and stay calm...
its possible people have picked up something from somewhere...
and a solid explanation can help...

like being transgender has biological connections...
so its nobodys fault... neither the trans persons nor an upbringing or whatever...
some people say they will be like their male/female twin, with still the same sense of humour...

and gender identity and sexual orientation, for example being gay, are something different...


hugs

Ya I dont think my sister would like just not talk to me if she knew but it scares me of what she would say possibly. The fact is society likes to force you to stay on the line, play this game or what and regardless if your unhappy or angry about yourself inside, you feel like playing the role is easier. That role for me is a lie.

I was writing today while working since I had nothing to do. I just sit with my notebook and write. I wrote something and it's though something Ive thought about before, I never put it like I did today. When I at those rare times I feel like a guy, I dont like myself. I wrote that when the guy does come, Im an angry, unhappy, rude, arrogant nasty human being. When I feel like my actual self, I am a different person who kind, happy and humble girl who is at peace with herself.

I would think anyone would want you to be happy and more. I would think they would want to see a smile on your face. Like the dress code at work, the lady at work who I thought understood and confided in to tell her and all, well it turns out she didnt get it. She said she would help me since It bothered me soo much to be under the guys dress code. She said she got me exempt and all. Well when she said she would help, she lied it seems. She said you can't wear this, you can't wear that. For the last 2 or 3 weeks now, Ive still had to follow this collared shirt rule that is under dress code for guys when I thought I was exempt. Still in pain over that and I feel like telling her was nothing more than a waste of time. She doesnt seem to care.

I still dread going to where I work. I feel like a freak there having to walk that line and be unhappy. People still look at me as a guy and I understand that all people know as is a he but when you openly tell someone and they dont so anything to help you basically, it's just hurtful.

I write kind of jumbled up so I hope this makes sense.