I had the day from hell

[Amoré]

Thanks guys I will admit it was the stupid thing to do I think between me and my wife fighting and my software development assessment for the new job I just decided skrew it. I can't be a man I can't be a woman I can't even get a job. So I screwed up royally but like I say it is time for stock take and see what is left. Chuck the crap that I have got out and keep the stuff I want and need. Nobody deserve an abusive partner! If they can't respect you why do you stay is my first question.

She is the main reason why I am sitting here everybody has got a break point if you are getting emotionally abused by your loved one it can push you over the edge.

[Cindy]

Hi Amore'

I'm saddened that you pushed yourself so hard, but very glad you were saved and are recovering both physically and emotionally.

As I said the other night, this journey isn't easy but it can be and is done, and many of us do have very happy lives, no matter our appalling pasts and situations we had to confront.

My love and support to you

Cindy

[Rp1713]

Well I am lying in the hospital at this stage because I lost my mind and was stupid and tried to kill myself by drinking poison.

As I am lying on this har cold hospital bed I am taking stock of my life,love life, my screwed up marriage and my absent wife that hates me for well being an ->-bleeped-<-.

Well I realized that is just the problem when I try to be male it is so unnatural. The man she thought she fell in love with was a woman after all and she can't take that reality.

I am sitting and wondering where do all this crap come from?

I realized well it is because I am trying to fit the woman that I am into a small shell of a man. I think the shel bursted into pieces today because I don't fit anymore. The shell bursted into pieces a couple of times in the past but I tried to pick them up and glue them back together and got back on the man wagon. But the more that shell broke the smaller and harder it got to fix the shell. Also the more pieces went missing and that is exactly just what being male is to me a shell. Something that I put up to fit in blend in,do the right thing.

But look where supposedly doing the right thing is getting me.

I am tired of fighting against life,forcing love, trying to get someone to love me. I realized the more I fight where life is taking me the more I will end up in hurtful situations. The more I fight the road of life the worse it will become. I must start accepting what I am and where life is taking me be that divorce and finding new love. I will own the ->-bleeped-<- that I made and own every second that this life can give,be it from a hospital bed.

I am who I am I am Amoray I can't deny it anymore. I am done fighting life and trying to mold it into what I want it to be.

Amoré,

I am so glad to hear that you are alive and hope you make a happy and healthy recovery. You are a beautiful person inside and out and deserve to feel comfortable with who you are! I'm so sorry for all you've been dealing with, but thank you so much for sharing your experience and being so active in reaching out to people here to realize who you really Are! Thank you for being the strong and beautiful person that you are!

Love and hugs always,

Ry


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[ToniB]

Glad to see that You are still with Us .Hopefully now You have decided to be the REAL YOU things will start to get better and maybe make more sense to You as the woman in You takes charge it certainly did for ME

Hugs and Roses

Toni

[Qrachel]

Dear Amore:

Thinking of you as I get ready to out the light.

Love to you my dear for tomorrow is a new day.

Rachel

[Kimberley Beauregard]

I'm ever so sorry you went through that but I'm glad you survived. I wish you all the support I can muster.

[Amoré]

I went to a state hospital and let me tell you guy's it is the worst place to end up in south africa. We have private hospitals that is much better than this.

I had a lot of time to think and assess my life. I thought about all you awesome people that I know on here that have been nothing but a blessing. I thought of my child and seeing her grow up and how I should change my ways to be the best I can be for her.

I I contemplating strongly to unleash her but I know the hardship that comes with being the true you. I fear not finding love I am still young and odds of getting another person as a man is very good. Being blown of as a woman because you are transgender just plain suck.

Then one of my main sorrows is not being able to carry a child I know that does not make you a woman but I feel it is a very big part of womanhood I am missing out on.

I have the chance now and actually a lot to look forward too.
I don't have an idea what it will be like. I don't know even what being with a man is like I just know I am going with the world and my choices matters from here.

Thank you for all your kind words you guys are the best

[Amoré]

I am out of the hospital. My wife came to pick me up and we did not have an argument. I don't know what was going on really it was strange.

At this stage I am contemplating on staying a man and finding other means to cope with GD. I want to find life to love being in the body that I am. A tool given to me to do it's job of creating life and raising that life be it with the one I love. I know dysphoria can be a real bummer but is it really worth all that pain. What I realised is if you commit suicide you make your pain everyone else's pain. If you transition everyone else's pain becomes your pain.

That is how it works in my case. This is a fact that I can't look over. The moment I start to transition I can't let go of my male persona. The life I had. My child calling me papa. How can I be me and be a wonderful person with what I was given. At a stage I just wanted to be female more than anything in this world today I am sitting and thinking is being a man that bad! I wanted to commit suicide because I can't do anymore damage control.

[WaterGirl]

Amoré,
If I may: slow down and breathe. It's not an all-or-nothing proposition.  I have a two year old son that I love more than life itself, and I am scared shirtless of what the future holds. But one day at a time. I am still her husband, still Daddy, and I doubt I will ever present as f due to job, life, etc, but simply coming out to my wife seemed to help somewhat. I'm sorry your wife is so hurtful. Turned it from a secret to my truth, and we will see where this journey takes us.
Be you.

I dress openly at home, and get to be a stay at home mom for my son.
The other day after my wife went to work, my son said, "I really miss mommy, but you can be my mommy at home when she's not here and daddy outside." There is hope.

[TG CLare]

Dear Amore. I still can't manage to get the accent on the E, sorry.

When I read your post it almost tore my heart out. I've been where you are but today, you're like me, a survivor. I didn't really plan my attempt out as it was more of a spur of the moment thing but that's ancient history.

I hope that there was no permanent damage done and that you will be ok in the future. The fight within ourselves to be who we are is a hell of a fight and very few can understand it like we can.

You are young. You have many options available to you and lots of people who can help you both here and in your world. Everything will take time and understanding and patient clear thoughts but you can do it.

I recall you saying if you could pass. Yes you can which I said. Believe it or not, your pose is just like a picture I had of my cousin and you look so much like her it's not funny. I doubt she would see the humour in it but I wish I looked as good as you!

Be strong my friend, you can do it.

Love,
Clare

[Amoré]

Oky truly. I am scared like bat ->-bleeped-<- to transition any further I am absolutely terrified. My mind at this stage will come up with any excuse to stop me from going ahead. My wife don't want me near her parents this holiday season but I am not allowed to say she must stay away from my parents. She wants control over me but I am not allowed to have a say in anything. 

The worst part is the guilt. I feel I need to be a father and stay a man. I was well build as a man I had a six pack and the lot. The strange part I did not hate my body it just felt if being female and having a female body would suit who I am better.

But that means I would have never known my wife and my child that I have today. I made stupid mistakes in the past and I haven't really learned how to cope with pressure and with conflict in my life also when things does not go the way I planned. The examples I got as child was abuse,drinking, physical abuse, screaming and fighting.

She still wants to divorce me but maybe my best option is to hold of transition until we are divorced. until then just be me and the best I can be be a wonderfull husband even though she don't want me as one make the last moments count for the world that I can't say when she divorced me I was a bad person and husband.

After that I will assess my options again things that I can look forward to is if I transition we can still be friends. Do shopping together and catch a movie. If I don't well will her next partner be so accepting of me doing shopping as a male with her.

I hate the idea of being infirtile I haven't got the money now to bank sperm my medical bills for this year is insane! 

Then there is my option of going back to being a metrosexual man. People sometimes thought I was gay.But being metrosexual is not the same as being a woman.

I think I am sort of gender fluid as I don't feel particularly female all the time. I am scared of just feeling like a man in the wrong body if I transition that is my worst fear of it all and then the discrimination.

[Dena]

You know your country better than I do but I moved into the Feminine role 35 years ago in the United States and it while I may have faced discrimination, it wasn't anything that couldn't be handled. One doesn't feel feminine all the time and after the transition, it's rare that I have felt feminine. Instead I am just comfortable as I am instead of being uncomfortable like I was before the transition.

In the end, you are the one who will determine how you want to live your future. In mine I was close to suicide and the moment where I stopped is what I always remember. I understood at that moment there was no way I could continue in my current life and my life had to be changed or next time I might not have another chance. That thought was on my mind about 8 years latter when I made the decision for surgery.

You were lucky and escaped death this time. Are you sure you can build a life as a male where you will be comfortable enough that this won't happen again? Take some time in therapy and talk it over but I think you need to start the transition and see where your true feeling lie. If you discover transitioning isn't the answer, you can go back. If transitioning is the answer, then you can put your old life behind you.

[Amoré]

I think the big thing for me is if I am still married I may have a chance to save my marriage. She did not go to a lawyer yet she is only telling me she is going to divorce me and that is her choice. Still the relationship is very strained at this stage.

As long as I am not divorced I will have my doubts my mind just can't get around it transitioning is like the final nail in the coffin.

I don't want to put the final nail in the coffin I want to feel like I tried everything to save my marriage. I don't hate my male body I feel that I would have been more comfortable at times as female I know that I am female actually I just don't want anyone else to know it anymore.

I don't know what really to do

[Dena]

The transition for you may not end in surgery. Not everybody wants it and can find comfort just living the life of a woman. What you want, you will have to determine but you need to test RLE and see if that helps you. At the end of a year or more, look at how you feel. If you are happier than you have been in a long time, decide if you want to stay the way you are or have surgery. If RLE isn't working for you, then you need to explore some more. You can think abut what it would be like but there is nothing like living the life. I spent two years in RLE because of money issues and when the time to decide on surgery came, I knew I would never return to boy mode. Staying where you are will not solve your problem. The doctors spent 5 years working on my head without results and the only thing that helped was living the life.

Had surgery not been available to me, I would have continued to live as a woman without surgery but for me, surgery allowed me to put the old life completely in the past and move the rest of the way in to the new life. Start making changes in your life now. You still have a year or two before you will be thinking about something irreversible but if you don't start on this now, you will remain in a state of indecision.