Went on a couple of dates with a guy

[Squircle]

Hi all,

Last month I had GRS. Over the last few weeks some of the thoughts about being with a man I'd been having became stronger and I started to think about perhaps experimenting a bit.

I got chatting to a guy on okcupid, and it turned out he lived in the building next to mine, which is kinda crazy. We went for a few drinks this Wednesday just gone at a local bar, and whilst I wasn't hugely attracted to him physically I thought he was nice and he seemed really into me. I let him kiss me at the end of the date. It felt OK, so I agreed to see him again.

He ended up inviting me around to his last night, and we sat chatting for a bit until he asked if he could kiss me. I was quite nervous, but relaxed when we started kissing. He was a lot bigger than me and was able to pretty much pick me up and move me wherever he wanted me, which was fun but made me feel quite vulnerable at the same time. As we were kissing I spent a bit of time stroking him 'down there'. Now obviously sex was off the table but his hands were still going everywhere, and he was clearly enjoying himself.

But as we were kissing, and he was shifting me about, I realised that although it didn't feel totally wrong, it just wasn't doing anything for me. I actually just wanted to stop and chat. Despite his request for me to stay the night I ended up leaving and going home, feeling a bit foolish and upset.

I'm still trying to process everything that happened last night. My fantasies of being with a man were quite strong, so why was it so unexciting for me when it happened? Was he the wrong man, or simply the wrong gender?

[Ⓥ]

Was he the wrong man, or simply the wrong gender?

I wasn't hugely attracted to him physically

Looks can take a shotgun seat compared to actually developing an emotional connection, no doubt, but based on your post dude-man was trying to get it on before you really got to know him so you didn't have time to make a connection (ex: I actually just wanted to stop and chat.) and the intimate part of all of this wasn't to your liking because you weren't even attracted to him!

I let him kiss me at the end of the date. It felt OK

A good kiss is a good kiss    ...you just weren't into him.  Go out with someone else you can connect with.

Verdict:  Wrong man.

[April_TO]

Looks can take a shotgun seat compared to actually developing an emotional connection, no doubt, but based on your post dude-man was trying to get it on before you really got to know him so you didn't have time to make a connection (ex: I actually just wanted to stop and chat.) and the intimate part of all of this wasn't to your liking because you weren't even attracted to him!

A good kiss is a good kiss    ...you just weren't into him.  Go out with someone else you can connect with.

Verdict:  Wrong man.

This^

I think as women we like to take things slowly and I completely agree with V - maybe the connection is not as strong yet or at least not to the level that you'll be comfortable being intimate with him.

Just be kind to yourself beauty, this is a new chapter of life for you. Don't lose yourself in the process. Just take it slow and enjoy the dating life. Mr. Right is not that far away from you xo

[Wild Flower]

Youre not into him strongly. Friend zone.

[iKate]

There are some guys who give me a warm rush and others that are just "meh." It doesn't depend on physical attractiveness either. I can't put my finger on what makes a guy attractive to me though.

[Squircle]

I perhaps should have pointed out that he was the first man I've ever been on a date with. So I have nothing to compare him to.

It just makes me more nervous about going on a date with a different guy; what if it turns out I just don't like being with men? It's kinda confusing!!

Thanks for the advice everyone 😊

[MeghanMe]

I'd have to say, even in my experience being with women, this can happen. Anxiety, stress, or even just overthinking kills desire, especially if the attraction isn't strong in the first place.

Don't be afraid. If men are what turns you on in your fantasies, it seems like you just haven't found the right guy.

[Debra]

It just makes me more nervous about going on a date with a different guy; what if it turns out I just don't like being with men? It's kinda confusing!!

That would be ok too =) The only way to figure that stuff out is to experience it, really

[stephaniec]

That's what dating is all about. I'm bisexual so it doesn't matter

[Lyndsey]

Hi all,

Last month I had GRS. Over the last few weeks some of the thoughts about being with a man I'd been having became stronger and I started to think about perhaps experimenting a bit.

I got chatting to a guy on okcupid, and it turned out he lived in the building next to mine, which is kinda crazy. We went for a few drinks this Wednesday just gone at a local bar, and whilst I wasn't hugely attracted to him physically I thought he was nice and he seemed really into me. I let him kiss me at the end of the date. It felt OK, so I agreed to see him again.

He ended up inviting me around to his last night, and we sat chatting for a bit until he asked if he could kiss me. I was quite nervous, but relaxed when we started kissing. He was a lot bigger than me and was able to pretty much pick me up and move me wherever he wanted me, which was fun but made me feel quite vulnerable at the same time. As we were kissing I spent a bit of time stroking him 'down there'. Now obviously sex was off the table but his hands were still going everywhere, and he was clearly enjoying himself.

But as we were kissing, and he was shifting me about, I realised that although it didn't feel totally wrong, it just wasn't doing anything for me. I actually just wanted to stop and chat. Despite his request for me to stay the night I ended up leaving and going home, feeling a bit foolish and upset.

I'm still trying to process everything that happened last night. My fantasies of being with a man were quite strong, so why was it so unexciting for me when it happened? Was he the wrong man, or simply the wrong gender?

Oh Boy! Squircle

I had SRS in October and I like you have gained a large interest in men, I have gone on several dates and have one guy that I really like a lot. The best part is his sister is the one who introduced us and he knows all about my situation. So that was a big load off my plate, He said to me that I'm a real women and he is very proud of me and he loves to take me out and show me off to his friends and family. His sister is as myself M to F so he totally gets it. I do have to say that the first time he kissed me was very scary for me. I took me a lot of getting use to. But now I'm very happy and we have been going out for a while. Time will tell how things go. He has not attempted to feel me all over yet as I think I would have ran away. but that is changing and I will be able to do as I feel after January 20th that is my three month mark. Am I looking forward to that? I don't know and It is very scary to me. Oh well we will see. Yahoo! it sure feels good to be a complete and full women. I as you are half of his size as he is 6'5" 220lbs and I  5'3" and 140lbs. I feel kind of vulnerable also. It does feel nice to hug a strong man though.

hugs
Lyndsey

[Sybil]

I perhaps should have pointed out that he was the first man I've ever been on a date with. So I have nothing to compare him to.

It just makes me more nervous about going on a date with a different guy; what if it turns out I just don't like being with men? It's kinda confusing!!

Thanks for the advice everyone 

I began experimenting with my interest in men at around age 20. I often felt mild attraction and, naturally, excitement at "what could be," but it never felt just right in the end. I could never find myself in the mood or desiring much greater than what I already had with them. "This is way too fast" or "I like him, but I don't like him enough" were my most common doubts.

Forward to age 27, I encountered a man by pure chance that I rapidly developed long nights of conversation with. While he some times complimented me, he never made the conversation about my being a woman and his being a man. Any flirting was both brief and appropriate to the conversation. It was as though he was spending all of this time with me because he was fascinated, before all else, by my person. After around 2 weeks of this, I caved: for the first time in my life, I confessed my feelings before the other party.

I am 30 years old now and I am still with him. He is many things that I adore: brilliant, handsome, tall, clever, quite masculine (but sensitive and self-aware) - and my absolute favorite - very silly. He is also 7 years my junior and we had to tolerate a long-distance relationship for quite some time. Those are normally deal breakers for me. Regardless, I couldn't be happier.

As V so nimbly alluded above: "wrong man". I have to echo that, for some women, it takes many attempts before you feel okay enough to let the magic in.

[Martine A.]

If I felt rushing that I am not comfy with, guess what, I would demonstrate that my voice counts too.
Not now means not now. He should understand, or else he should learn.

Seeking a man doesn't mean any man will do, so it is up to you to move on or let it boil. Also up to him to do the same.

[Lyndsey]

I perhaps should have pointed out that he was the first man I've ever been on a date with. So I have nothing to compare him to.

It just makes me more nervous about going on a date with a different guy; what if it turns out I just don't like being with men? It's kinda confusing!!

Thanks for the advice everyone 😊

Sweetie if you are unsure than don't stay with him and certainly don't let him touch you. I seriously I could not date a man that touched me as he touched you on the first date that is a bad sign for me as he only is after one thing I would think. That would have made me run away. But I'm a bit of a prude so LOL I don't know how this whole dating game works anymore. Just seams like people are doing things that I would never do till I was in love. even then it would take me some time. There is a lot of fish in the sea! date for a while that can be fun and if you don't like them then don't go out again. You will always have my blessings what ever you decide to do.

Hug's Lyndsey

[Squircle]

I didn't realise this thread had restarted so apologise for not responding.

Couple if things I want to clear up; my interest in men has been confined to occasional fantasies. The action happened on the second date, and he did ask before kissing me. He did move quite fast from that point onwards but when I stopped it he respected that decision immediately. I have no intention to paint him as some kind of sexual predator, he was a really nice guy.

I thought about it for a day or do and then he texted to ask if he could see me again. I replied saying that I didn't feel any spark, and he understood completely.

I've not spoken to him since. I have a date with a cis woman on Sunday.

Since the date with the guy I've actually felt my libido really drop, and it's given me a bit of time to reflect. Also I've begun to struggle very badly with depression, some of which may be post-op blues. So I feel like I need to work on myself for a while, whilst keeping the door open if I meet someone who lifts me up from my general malaise.

[Lyndsey]

Hi All

As I have said I have had the dreams of being with a man for a while now but I also have not lost my attraction to women. I guess time will tell the story. I do know that I do want someone in my life that I can look forward to coming home too. I have not had the chance to find a women yet, but and have not had any problem finding a man as they always seam to find me. I was told that that is because men have a much bigger sex drive than us women. I can see that is very true from my experiences. 

Hug's Lyndsey

[Debra]

I never liked men growing up....or at least that's what I thought. I really didn't even give them a chance...in my head it was just wrong....so I didn't even look or think that way.

After transition, I let go of that predetermined stipulation I put on myself and dated both men and women. I think i felt (and still feel) more comfortable in straight circles than lesbian ones. Lesbian culture isn't something I'm very familiar with even with hanging around them some.

Anyway, I married a man and I'm happy but I've come to realize that I am still attracted to women too. Could I have ended up with a woman ? Yeah I think it's possible. So I still consider myself bisexual or almost pansexual really.

Random: The first time I kissed a guy, in my head I was thinking 'omg I'm kissing a guy!!!' and then I just let it happen and it was great haha.

[Ashey]

Really the issue could be a lot of things. Could be hormonal, as a lot of women are in the mood at certain times of the month. Could have something to do with your surgery. Could be that you weren't attracted to him, and maybe not even physically or emotionally but also pheromonally... I've realized that can play a big part in attraction. Might be that you didn't have enough of a connection, but I find I don't necessarily need one. I've been with relative strangers before. One in particular I hooked up with after only talking for an hour or two. We had good chemistry, good communication, felt comfortable with one another, he smelled great, felt great, we both had a lot of fun, both explored each other and tried new things, kissed playfully and often, and in the end he actually held me while I slept blissfully on his chest. So I've realized I don't necessarily need to build a connection to enjoy my time with someone, but everybody is different. And then, well... it could just come down to sexual orientation, which I know can be confusing and frustrating. I struggle with being bisexual all the time (or pansexual technically) and I hate being stuck in the middle. You just have to explore both sides if you feel an attraction to both. I've even questioned if I really did like men or if it was just a phase because of transitioning, but I've realized even after all the frustration of dealing with a lot of men, I still like 'em... And I can identify specific reasons why I do, and can see myself settling down with a man. I still haven't had much experience with women as a woman, but I still know that I'm physically and emotionally attracted to them. It's hard when there's no distinct preference...

[Lady_Oracle]

the fantasy in our heads rarely ever matches the actual experience.

[noleen111]

I met my man, when I was 6 months post-op and I had been on hormones a number of years already.

When you meet the right person, you just know as we clicked instantly. We met at a destination wedding (he was the grooms best friend). I remember by the time the wedding weekend ended, it was like I had known him for years. There was some kissing action on that weekend.

Once we officially started dating i told him my history and he accepted and he told me he sees me as a woman. He joked he wants to shake my doctors hand, for giving me the best vagina he has ever has pleasure of putting his manhood inside of. lol.

For me been a straight man before HRT, my interest in men developed somewhere during HRT.. It was weird at first kissing a man or been touched by a man and the first time I had sex with a man was scary, but it felt good and right.

[Squircle]

Really the issue could be a lot of things. Could be hormonal, as a lot of women are in the mood at certain times of the month. Could have something to do with your surgery. Could be that you weren't attracted to him, and maybe not even physically or emotionally but also pheromonally... I've realized that can play a big part in attraction. Might be that you didn't have enough of a connection, but I find I don't necessarily need one. I've been with relative strangers before. One in particular I hooked up with after only talking for an hour or two. We had good chemistry, good communication, felt comfortable with one another, he smelled great, felt great, we both had a lot of fun, both explored each other and tried new things, kissed playfully and often, and in the end he actually held me while I slept blissfully on his chest. So I've realized I don't necessarily need to build a connection to enjoy my time with someone, but everybody is different. And then, well... it could just come down to sexual orientation, which I know can be confusing and frustrating. I struggle with being bisexual all the time (or pansexual technically) and I hate being stuck in the middle. You just have to explore both sides if you feel an attraction to both. I've even questioned if I really did like men or if it was just a phase because of transitioning, but I've realized even after all the frustration of dealing with a lot of men, I still like 'em... And I can identify specific reasons why I do, and can see myself settling down with a man. I still haven't had much experience with women as a woman, but I still know that I'm physically and emotionally attracted to them. It's hard when there's no distinct preference...

Thanks, all good points. I feel like my preference is women, but there's the occasional fantasy or thought about being with a guy, and the truth is as well that there is an ease that comes with being in a straight relationship that appeals. with this particular guy, I clearly didn't fancy him, and I've yet to figure out if that's because of him or his gender. One thing I do know is that I find macho bull->-bleeped-<- a real turn off, and find women easier to get along with.

I'll get past these few months and give myself room to experiment and figure things out.