It's so hard and scary...

[JessicaSondelli]

Hi everyone, I'm Jessie a 40+ yo transgender woman, married and a father of 3 kids. I've known since I was 10 that something was not right with me but back in those days - as many already know way to well - it wasn't as easy to get to the information as it is today.

I was dressing in my mom's clothes as a kid whenever I could and got caught quite a few times by her which were the most embarrassing moments of my childhood. I was even sent to a psychotherapist who had no clue what was going on and it was considered a "phase" that would diminish.... well, it didn't. I just suppressed my feelings for many years. Long story short, let's fast forward 30 years and those feelings are still here, stronger than ever and my wife has no clue - at least I think she doesn't - she caught me just once and never talked about it anymore. Our marriage is really struggling right now because I cannot think of anything else and she really gets frustrated with my lack of contribution to the family life which I totally understand. I think the only way to save our marriage is to come out to her but it's so hard and so scary. I don't want to loose her and the kids.... I simply don't know what to do...

Love you guys.
Jessie

[Rachel]

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[Rachel]

Welcome to Susan's

The first thing to do is find a good gender therapist. That person can help you figure out where you are on the transgender spectrum and what you want to do.

I understand being removed from a situation. When you have dysphoria and are not happy with your life is shows itself no matter how hard you try to hide it.

[Rp1713]

It sounds like your situation is a little bit tougher than mine because I'm only in my 20s and I am still working on building a future and family like you.

One thing I can say though is that it's a huge weight off of your shoulders to confide in your partner on this topic... At least it was for me. My girlfriend has caught me dressing at least twice in our almost 4 years together, but she didn't bring it up much other than to make sure I wasn't doing anything that would constitute cheating on her. But she left the topic alone until I was ready to come to her. A few months after the last time she saw a picture of me dressed I eventually confided in her. She probably reacted better and more supportive than a lot of people's partners, but either way it is impossible to truly know how someone you love will handle it. All I know is that it got to a point that the dysphoria was so strong that it was pretty much killing me emotionally in every aspect of my life. Friends, work and especially my relationship were all being affected by my internal despair which I have always shielded from the outside world. Only in the last year did I realize it was dysphoria and not just depression.

It's a very scary thing I agree, but just telling someone in and of itself is freeing in a lot of ways, especially when it's someone you truly love and trust.

Like you I dressed in my moms clothes when I had the opportunity, I was never caught by her, and I repressed the memories of this until just about a year ago or less. I'm sorry you were dealing with this at a time when it was far less accepted than today. Obviously it is still a huge problem in society but I'm happy that we have resources like Susan's place to help learn more about ourselves and other people's experience and get through the tough times. If you ever need anything don't be afraid to reach out. Much love and hugs!


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[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. At this point you need to see a Gender Therapist who can help you work out a plan. Once you know what you need out of life, your wife will need to come into the discussion and the two of you will need to determine what will happen next. Many couples stay together and you will be a better person after treatment but if your wife will remain with you is still unknown. Try to keep your wife informed of what is going on so she will have time to adjust to this. You have been living a life of this and she will have a very short time to reach a decision. The more she understand, the more likely she will stay with you.

As for the lack of information, I am very much aware of it because I started working on my transition about 40 years ago and it involved a fair amount of luck to connect with the information I needed. Feel free to ask me any questions you might have. If I can't answer them, I am sure somebody else will.

[JessicaSondelli]

Welcome to Susan's

The first thing to do is find a good gender therapist. That person can help you figure out where you are on the transgender spectrum and what you want to do.

I understand being removed from a situation. When you have dysphoria and are not happy with your life is shows itself no matter how hard you try to hide it.

I know I need to see a therapist but I can't do that behind the back of my wife. It feels like cheating. I need to come out to her first.

[JessicaSondelli]

Welcome to Susan's Place. At this point you need to see a Gender Therapist who can help you work out a plan. Once you know what you need out of life, your wife will need to come into the discussion and the two of you will need to determine what will happen next. Many couples stay together and you will be a better person after treatment but if your wife will remain with you is still unknown. Try to keep your wife informed of what is going on so she will have time to adjust to this. You have been living a life of this and she will have a very short time to reach a decision. The more she understand, the more likely she will stay with you.

Dena, thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate that and I totally agree with what you're saying, I just pray she will not run away when I tell her, it would destroy me.

As for the lack of information, I am very much aware of it because I started working on my transition about 40 years ago and it involved a fair amount of luck to connect with the information I needed. Feel free to ask me any questions you might have. If I can't answer them, I am sure somebody else will.

I admire your strength for having transitioned in a time it must have been 100 times harder than today without any support from the community and thank you for your offer - I'm sure I will come back to that. You're a great inspiration.

Love
Jessie

[Ms Grace]

I know I need to see a therapist but I can't do that behind the back of my wife. It feels like cheating. I need to come out to her first.

Hi, welcome to the forum. You could always try telling her you are seeing the counsellor for anxiety/depression. That way you are telling her the truth, she knows and you aren't cheating on her. It will give you the chance to discuss your issues with the counsellor and get a sense of how you want to deal with your gender identity. It would definitely benefit both you and your wife to have some answers before coming out.

[Christina308]

I was in almost the same situation, and I was holding the grenade for 35 years until i pulled the pin. The trouble with grenades is that you cant really predict the outcome. If it's at all helpful, i came out to my wife and my relationship has actually improved. Three weeks into low dose HRT, and everyone's state of mind is positive, especially mine. I felt the same fear as you are feeling, and it was only when i realized that losing everything, was a possibility that i was willing to accept, did i make my move. Remember, if you are willing to continue to accept your family, and they are not willing to accept you, it will be their decision, not yours. Your results will depend on your particular circumstances and the personalities of those involved. All i can tell you is that my grenade caused no damage......

[Amoré]

The people here is giving good advice. I will agree see a therapist first before coming out. Because once the genie is out of the bottle there is no turning back and it will alter your relationship in a good or bad way. In my case it was bad. Before you rip it make sure you know who you are where you fall on the spectrum if transitioning is in your future views and be open and honest with her when you figured all these things out.

[Debra]

Welcome! It's never too late But always better sooner than later. My adopted mom transitioned at 57 finally when her kids graduated from college. Divorce and estrangement and all that. Just goes to show, it's never a good time. You might as well get it done sooner.

As others have said, see a therapist...they canhelp guide you through whatever will work best for you.

[Tommi]

Hi everyone, I'm Jessie a 40+ yo transgender woman, married and a father of 3 kids. I've known since I was 10 that something was not right with me but back in those days - as many already know way to well - it wasn't as easy to get to the information as it is today.

I was dressing in my mom's clothes as a kid whenever I could and got caught quite a few times by her which were the most embarrassing moments of my childhood. I was even sent to a psychotherapist who had no clue what was going on and it was considered a "phase" that would diminish.... well, it didn't. I just suppressed my feelings for many years. Long story short, let's fast forward 30 years and those feelings are still here, stronger than ever and my wife has no clue - at least I think she doesn't - she caught me just once and never talked about it anymore. Our marriage is really struggling right now because I cannot think of anything else and she really gets frustrated with my lack of contribution to the family life which I totally understand. I think the only way to save our marriage is to come out to her but it's so hard and so scary. I don't want to loose her and the kids.... I simply don't know what to do...

Love you guys.
Jessie

I'm in exactly the same boat, age, children, etc.

Only difference is my wife was the one telling me I had to admit to being trans, due to expressions of femininity, and yet it's not been a smooth thing.  I agree with sharing that you are going to see a therapist, just not necessarily WHY until you determine where you see yourself.

[Laura_7]

Here at the links are a few resources that might help:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,197523.msg1756901.html#msg1756901


hugs

[Deborah]

I had to tell my wife about 10 years ago because I was so depressed and stressed about it that I felt the only other alternative was suicide.  At the time she was constantly yelling  (an understatement) at me for finding out about cross dressing. 

So I finally told her I was trans not knowing what to expect.  I also told her I was about to kill myself which was true at the time.

It was really hard and made harder because of a language barrier but it went pretty well.  Now, we are still married with a 33d anniversary this month.


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[JessicaSondelli]

Thank you all so much for all the great advice. It feels so much better to know that I'm not the only one out there having the same issues. I definitely will contact a therapist to discuss the next steps although I'm absolutely certain that I'm transgender.

Love u all and I promise to keep you posted.
Jessie

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Jessie.   I totally get your view that you need to come out to your wife before seeing a therapist.  I am in the same position.

If I made an appointment to see a therapist behind my wife's back, she'd insist on knowing where I was going and why.  If I told her that I'd explain later, she'd become suspicious about the secrecy, which would poison any future conversation.  It's just a non-starter in my case.  I have no choice but to come out first and think about therapy later.

There's no guarantee that our marriage will survive, even then.  But if I did it the other way, it would guarantee that it could not.

[JessicaSondelli]

Hi, Jessie.   I totally get your view that you need to come out to your wife before seeing a therapist.  I am in the same position.

If I made an appointment to see a therapist behind my wife's back, she'd insist on knowing where I was going and why.  If I told her that I'd explain later, she'd become suspicious about the secrecy, which would poison any future conversation.  It's just a non-starter in my case.  I have no choice but to come out first and think about therapy later.

There's no guarantee that our marriage will survive, even then.  But if I did it the other way, it would guarantee that it could not.

OMG Kathy, thank you so much for chiming-in. This was actually my biggest fear and I have no idea how I should setup an appointment without making her suspicious.

So what is your plan? Do you have kids, too?

-Jessie

[KathyLauren]

OMG Kathy, thank you so much for chiming-in. This was actually my biggest fear and I have no idea how I should setup an appointment without making her suspicious.

So what is your plan? Do you have kids, too?

-Jessie

For a while, my plan was to suck it up and live with the dysphoria.    I am gradually coming round to the idea of rolling the dice with our marriage and coming out.  Either way, it's going to hurt big time.  It's just a case of which hurts worse.

There's an opportunity coming up to raise the subject.  They're showing The Danish Girl at the local movie theatre next month.  My wife has already said she wants to see it.  It might be an opportunity.

No kids, fortunately.

[Steph7]

I had to tell my wife - before I went to get help.

My therapist did advise me against telling anyone else until I was ready - but my wife deserved to know.

The only negative for me is there are lots of questions and emotions you need to deal with and a lot of them I did have an answer for.

Best of luck
Cass

[KathyLauren]

Welcome, Cass.

Thanks for joining in!