This is the hardest thing that I ever faced

[Amoré]

We all know that being transgender is a hard thing. Then comes the choice do you transition or not.

I never imagined that it will turn out this way. I lost the love of my life I have been handed a full deck of cards in anger and rejections. All this because I came out as trans a year back.

I went to my therapist today and she told me my wife send her a watsapp message to tell her that it is over I am trying to be a man again for her it is not going to work and that my therapist must help me get over her. She told me my wife said I am emotionally abusive but my therapist said from the massage she saw that she is the emotionally abusive one.

Me and my wife have both have been through hell and back with me being transgender I know but having your therapist trying to push you to move forward when all you want to do is rescue the little bit that you think you have is hard.

She said that my wife basically moved on and is not my wife anymore because she is not married in the heart to me only legally. I must forget about my wife and we ever being anything more in the future I tried hard like hell to rescue it. I fought with dysphoria to just leave me alone so that I can rescue my marriage and this for nothing I have been told I am wasting my time and energy.

We must separate I must decide who I want to be because I am free. What I want to be. Dysphoria is bad but nothing in my life ever hurt like this. I never in my life thought I could hurt like this.

I can be free but at this cost to me it is like the worst price to pay for being myself and then I don't even know if I want to go through with it.

The hardest thing is not transitioning for me it is letting go of everything. But life is forcing me now to let go.

[Dee Marshall]

I started to write a whole long thing, but the truth is, anything I would have said you already know. I would hug you were I there to do it, but take the word for the deed. You're not alone. Some things about this condition suck, it's true. Have a good cry, then move on if you can and know we will ALWAYS listen.

Thinking of you,
Dee

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Amorê,

...... and this is the sad reality of it all. It's not really the transition, it's the letting go, that can create the biggest pain of all.

Not knowing what's on the other side; yet knowing the incrediable, almost unrealistic price you're being asked to pay, right now; can be such a blinding and inconceivable notion, it almost defies understanding.

This is the point that some of us have to ignore our own thoughts, feelings, emotions, and lock into our most trusted support network and take that bloody awful leap of faith into the abys of the unknown.

My circumstances were different, yet I too had to take that leap of faith, not knowing what was on the other side. Not even my gut feelings would let me in on it. No guides, no nothing; only a handful of trusted confidants who pushed me off the edge. .......... I'm forever greatful to them for the push. I didn't have it in me to jump. ......... Without them, I wouldn't be where I am today.

It's was like driving down a road with the rain hitting so hard I couldn't see the windscreen, just a few trusted friends saying, keep driving straight ahead; you'll get there. ......... And I swear, one particular "friend" who'll remain nameless. You know who you are. Had there bloody foot on the accelerator. Now for legal reasons I have to declare, this particular person of interest may not necessarily be a member of this family. (Phew!!!! Deformation case averted)

This is probably a good subject to persue with your therapist, if you haven't already done so. But for sure, letting go, is a real bitch of a thing.

Keep in touch and let us know how you're coping.

Huggs
Catherine

[Tommi]

You are most definitely not alone!  I am in the same boat, as I suspect many are.  Gain your true self, but lose everything you've built and love, or damn near everything. 

[Amoré]

I'm sitting and crying and this stage and this have been going on for hours. I can't hide anymore everyone that I know I have come out too. I must push forward because I can't go back.

[Qrachel]

Hi Amorê:

As I read your threads this AM it seemed that a little more insight occurred, and the idea of letting go as a huge underlying causal factor to your discomfort made a lot of sense.  I had forgotten how profoundly  human and soulful letting go was, and the resulting months of nights of weeping alone as I began to cope with letting go . . . it was titanic at 1st.

In dissolving my relationship with my ex, daughters, expanded family and friends I found myself alone with only a therapist, doctors, a few new work colleagues and a cat.  It hit me so hard including having concluded I was un-loveable, unworthy, unwholesome and unwanted.  Of course, that was not true but it was all the data I had at the time, despite the encouragement from my therapist.  For sure my dear, this is not true of you either!

My fear of losing so much was huge but the reality was worse, far worse for a little while.  As I struggled day-to-day in my interactions with the world, in a new town/community I found that there was an immutable cycle of life-death-life that was always ever-ongoing to create the future.  As I looked around I found this had been occurring since birth, was everywhere, and it was only the nature of the loss I was experiencing that was different this time (and hugely important and valuable to me).  BTW: The book I recommended talks at length about this.

I'm not one to tell you do this or that, but you might consider that in letting go you are simultaneously creating the future, unknown at this moment but it does exist as sure as the past.  Also, the nature of your future depends upon you wanting it as a deserving and worthy person, which by the way is so, so clear in your words as you share them here.  Your wife and those who cannot accept you do not know you and are unwilling to do so; therefore, they cannot possibly see the beautiful person you are - a beautiful woman who has special gifts that shared with others makes life all that more abundant and joyous. 

My feelings of loss, despair and grief came with letting go, and I came to realize that all I thought I had been to others, well they didn't share my commitment in kind.  That was/is the real loss, and in time I recovered while they have to cope with themselves for who they are (aware or not).  And that is sad too, but not of my making or yours. 

I wonder if you might not find some similitudes here.

Thinking of you regularly,

Rachel   ((((((Amorê))))) ((((((Amorê))))) ((((((Amorê))))) ((((((Amorê)))))

[Qrachel]

No my dear . . . you cannot hide and the path leads only forward.  Bless you today for being you and being the beautiful person you are.

Rachel

[MsMarlo]

Sweetie, listen very closely to the lyrics of this song.  I think that it is very fitting and the lyrics do hit home.  We all have a restart point at one point or another, and sometimes that new starting point is not as easy as we would like it to be. 

If you have any problems with the link, let me know

We said goodbye to a dear old friend
and we packed our bags and left
feeling sad
its the only way

we said hello as we turned the key
a new roof over our heads
gave a smile
its the only way

turn your head
and don't look back
set your sails for a new horizon
don't turn around , don't look down

oh there's life
across the tracks
and you know its really  not surprising
it gets better
when you get there

well it really don't matter much where you are are
'cause home is in your heart
its a feeling that we wake with one day

some people keep running all of their lives
and still find they haven't gone too far
they don't see it's the feeling inside
the feeling inside

turn your head
and don't look back
set your sails for a new horizon
don't look down, don't turn around

oh there's life
across the tracks
and you know its really  not surprising
it gets better
when you get there

we said hello as we turned the key
a new roof over our heads
gave a smile
its the only way         

lyrics by Phil Collins


I thought I would include the lyrics in my reply.  As you can deduce, its about moving on.  Just remember to "set your sails for a new horizon, don't look down, don't turn around."  This is an awesome song, and I really hope that it helps. 

Be safe honey  :-)

Marlo

https://search.yahoo.com/yhs/search?p=phil+collins+we+said+goodbye+hello&ei=UTF-8&hspart=mozilla&hsimp=yhs-004

[autumn08]

Hi Amore,


I greatly admire your strength, and it's incredible how much of it was required for you to claw your way to this point. The good news is, it seems you have crossed the Rubicon, and I don't think we can be happy until we irrevocably separate ourselves from our facade. 

To find peace, I think you should stop fighting for what is lost, and think about what type of life you want to build now. Your pain should begin alleviate, as you begin taking steps on your new path. I'm sorry that your life has reached such a excruciating and arduous stage. I wish I was there with you, but know that your tears are not unaccompanied. 

[Qrachel]

Dear Marlo:

I really loved the lyrics . . . how sweet of you to think of them.  First below are my fav stanzas from the The Rubaiyat by Omar Khayyam.  They and the lyrics from Desperado (The Eagles) (second below) really sing to me when being philosophical about the universe of things transgender, being mysterious and magical as it is.

And to you dearest Amorê: Thank you for creating the space for such beauty to occur; I am in your debt.

XCIX
Ah, Love! could you and I with Him conspire
To grasp this sorry Scheme of Things entire,
Would not we shatter it to bits--and then
Re-mould it nearer to the Heart's Desire!


C
Yon rising Moon that looks for us again--
How oft hereafter will she wax and wane;
How oft hereafter rising look for us
Through this same Garden--and for one in vain!


CI
And when like her, oh, Saki, you shall pass
Among the Guests Star-scatter'd on the Grass,
And in your joyous errand reach the spot
Where I made One--turn down an empty Glass!

___________________________________



Desperado by The Eagles

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
You been out ridin' fences for so long now
Oh, you're a hard one
I know that you got your reasons
These things that are pleasin' you
Can hurt you somehow

Don't you draw the queen of diamonds, boy
She'll beat you if she's able
You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet

Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you can't get

Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no younger
Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home
And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talkin'
Your prison is walking through this world all alone

Don't your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine
It's hard to tell the night time from the day
You're losin' all your highs and lows
Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away?

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gate
It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you (let somebody love you)
You better let somebody love you before it's too late

[MsMarlo]

Music takes away, if only for a little while.  The beauty of it is that it can make our journey so much bearable  :-)

Be safe

Marlo

[Amoré]

Hey guys thanks for the songs. They speak right to the soul and each one has got a message for me. I appreciate all your support without you guy's I don't know what I would have done this community have been a blessing on my life.

Thank you guys for being so awesome

Hugs

[Qrachel]

It's a little thing we do for each other and it has a big, big impact.  You deserve nothing less and so much more - and it will come.

As I read this thread for the last time tonight (I'm in Los Angeles), I though of the following:

There with the grace of god went I, many thanks to all for helping me to do so.

Yours in service and sorority,

Rachel

[Amoré]

Well I am sitting at the hardest tuffest crossroad of my life. 

I must decide to continue my hrt get back on the bus and never get of again. I really must make a choice and stick to it and never look back again.

It sort of pisses me of when she gives me that glimmer of hope. But it that is all it is hope. She told me if I can prove myself their might be a chance in the far future that we get back together. Why go through all this hell then I must move out prove I don't know what that I can stay male without her and that it is not just because of her. I must go and live alone spend all that money on a place to stay and moving. Then also she expects me to sit and wait for her like a good boy watch movies and eat ice-cream while she is exploring greener fields.

Once she have made her rounds maybe slept with other men and decide she wants me back then I am good enough. How does this work do she think I am that stupid. I have to wait like a good boy for her.

Now why must I end up sitting miserable every day of my life battling dysphoria for her?

Like I feel now I want to tell her to go f*&$ herself. Because this is an unfair request. How must I stay a man for a woman that is actually just playing with me and bullying me into what she wants.

I feel like I just want to get on my hormones get on the boat and never look back become the woman I am and just be me. I feel like the person I have to be to her is just an act because this is what she expects of me. I will be allowed no coping mechanisms also because she is moaning about the panties that she got with the laundry I don't even know how those got in there. Am I going to be able to keep this up and be the 'man' that I supposedly am made to be. I am no man actually I am just a very strong woman that happens to be in a male body.

I need someone to appreciate me for who I really am and love me for being me.

[RobynD]

Sometimes time apart is good for perspective and actually makes people realize how much and in what ways the person misses and loves the other.

Still, the whole "Im in charge and i'll decide if you are worthy of me" is not loving and mature. Does she expect you not to transition and then earn her back? Without knowing much more of the situation, that sounds unrealistic and unfair. "Now if she said something to the effect, let's separate and love one another from a distance, see how it goes for both of us. I want the best for both of us etc."... that sounds more loving.

[Girl Beyond Doubt]

Your love for her is not something that makes her special or unique.

It makes you special and unique.

Now learn to love yourself first of all, in your own special way, unconditionally, no strings attached, deep, wild, true, forever.

[genevie]

I need someone to appreciate me for who I really am and love me for being me.

That is what I've asked myself every day. That is what I would guess everyone wants. I believe it can happen. You have friends here who will be there with you every step of the way. You go, girl!!!

[Amoré]

Still, the whole "Im in charge and i'll decide if you are worthy of me" is not loving and mature. Does she expect you not to transition and then earn her back? Without knowing much more of the situation, that sounds unrealistic and unfair. "Now if she said something to the effect, let's separate and love one another from a distance, see how it goes for both of us. I want the best for both of us etc."... that sounds more loving.

Looks like that is what she expects. She expects of me to move out while she files for divorce stay a man prove that I am worthy of her. Then if she is happy with my progress and I proved that I can be independent than she will maybe give me a chance.

She don't see that I am in a depression hole because of her divorcing me and emotionally abusing me. A lot of this just because a could not make her cut of what a man is supposed to be because I am transgender.

[Rp1713]

here is a song written and performed by one of the most incredible and inspiring trans-women (to me) out there. That i think you can apply to your situation and gain strength from! (If the style of music is not your thing there is an acoustic version out there too, the important part is the lyrics)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Qrachel]

Hi:  Just dropping in for a sec.  Take care.

Yours,

Rachel