If you are religious please please help me.

[orangejuice]

I've tried every night for 8 years to believe in God. I believe in something greater than we can understand on this earth and if that is God then amazing. Believing in books written centuries ago? Apply this to other religions. But the thing is I'm a good person. Does that make mean bad person for saying that? I am. It's the only thing I believe in. I don't give a <not allowed> about my life or career. I'm 26 and I'm a 'failure in life' because I' don't want anything in life. But I hate myself for being such a failure. Hiw much is all this to do with wanting to be a girl since I was 3? I have no idea. But what I do know is every <Not Permitted> night I'm so sad and try to pray to God to show me how silly and materialistic I'm being and every night he shows me nothing. 8 years and he shows me nothing. I need to know something that is not from this world to make me happy because in this life I want to kill myself. I never would obviously. But that is the worst thing. A life spent one step above killing myself. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE if you are religious help me! I don't know which other 'category'  to put this under but I went to Christian church a few times as a kid. Why- if I pray to God every night to show me faith does he show me nothing(she show me nothing?) ( again I believe in something greater than we can understand in in this earth, whatever that means who knows. I believe 100 per cent in science but you can always go one step beyond that. The point being who knows if the 'creator' has a gender)

Please help me. If you find anything I've said offensive please reply too. I want nothing more to talk to a deeply devout religious person. It's all I want for my own life but 'rationally' it's just so ridiculous. And then I think who gave me those powers of reasoning? God? If he did and I'm supposed to rationally not believe in him but somehow have faith then he is playing a cruel arbitrary game. ( again swap he for she or something else that we can't even comprehend.)

Mod Edit: language and bashing

[Oliviah]

I am not religious, but I am also not an atheist.  I did grow up very religious though.  You seem angry.  I can understand that.  God is in you.  In all of us.  Finding her is up to you.

[orangejuice]

I am very angry. I am very frustrated. I am very sad. 'Finding God' and it being 'up to me' is a common refrain. So if I live a life where I am nothing but good and kind and compassionate to every human being I meet on this earth AND every single second of my existence I long to find some kind of faith, but I don't find it, then have I done something wrong? Or am I supposed to just live this life in misery and then find something when I die?

[Oliviah]

I am very angry. I am very frustrated. I am very sad. 'Finding God' and it being 'up to me' is a common refrain. So if I live a life where I am nothing but good and kind and compassionate to every human being I meet on this earth AND every single second of my existence I long to find some kind of faith, but I don't find it, then have I done something wrong? Or am I supposed to just live this life in misery and then find something when I die?

Faith isn't something we find I think.  Faith is a commitment.  It is struggle.  It is commitment against odds.  Don't fall for the huckster version of God the gift giver or, forgiver, or any corporate junk.

Search for where you fit in.  Pagan, Hindu, Buddha, Jesus.  There are many faiths.  Work to heal.  Find peace. 

You are your savior, but you are not God.  She is in all of us.

[orangejuice]

So faith is a commitment and struggle? Ok I can understand that. So I live till I'm 90 ( 'God' forbid) , and the day before I die I find faith, maybe then I'll say oh I get it, my whole life of misery makes sense because I understand now and now I have faith in God. Sorry I'm really just ranting it's nothing personal. But I 'commit' to being a good person. Sometimes the injustices and prejudices I see in the world hurt so much that I can't breath. Some things in this world I can't handle. ISIS who want to bring evil and misery to the world, then the reaction to ISIS, I mean were these people evil when they were one day old? No they weren't. The world taught them to be evil. And then you have the reaction from those who aren't intelligent enough to realise that which I only makes the world a more dangerous place. I'm sounding like a rambling nutjob, but my point is the only thing I really care about in life is being kind and good. Maybe I'm a bad person for knowing I'm a good person maybe you're not supposed to feel like that. All I know is there is so much that is unfair about life.

What you have basically said to me is that faith is completely arbitrary. Some people have it. Some people don't. some people who are 'bad' find it, some people who are 'good' will never find it. It's absolute nonsense. Sorry. In not having a go at you personally. I suppose I'm just desperate know what life is all about. I always have been. Since I was kid.

[Deborah]

I used to be Christian and God didn't answer me either, for over 40 years.  So I threw Christianity away.

I couldn't throw God away though even though I tried to.  I have had some experiences in the past that make me believe God is real even if Christianity and all its claims and promises are false.

I have found peace with God in a gnostic tradition that resonates with me and also matches what I can see in the world.

The big lesson though is that God isn't going to fix this for you.  It's either beyond his power or not terribly important to her.  Your interactions with God can however help you to come to terms with it and make peace with yourself as long as you don't let all the faux preachers fill your head with false and impossible expectations.

What I believe is that our physical form and all that goes along with it just isn't very important in the eternal scheme so it's not of any great concern to God.  What God is concerned with is the divine spark that exists inside each human being, fanning that spark into flame and reuniting that divine spirit with the eternal light that is God.

The fruit of coming to know that flame inside is a feeling and experience of love beyond human words.  This extends from God to each of us and as we gain greater knowledge of the nature of the flame inside from each of us to everyone else.

You can read of this in the writings of mystics throughout the ages across all religions.  But it is comparatively rare because all the corporate religions have been doing everything in their power to exterminate it for thousands of years.  They don't really want you to know God except through their own individual power structures, their false, ignorant, and evil gods.

So I have become an unrepentant heretic to Christianity in my search for God.  Do not stop searching; look further afield. 


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[stephaniec]

For me the joy in life is to help others when I can. I'm 64 years old and I can just about count my years left on this planet on my fingers and toes. I've been the same person most of my life . I've lived with the curse or blessing of being trans all my life. I haven't had much in life , I live a paupers existence and always have. I get a thrill out of seeing Gods reflection in others and in all other things I know it sounds pretty simplistic to find joy in just sharing this planet with other creatures some that resemble me and others that don't.  I admit I don't like mosquitoes and viruses very much . everything has some form of a conscious. We are definitely all a part of something bigger than us all put together. You can say that rocks have a form of a conscious with the electron being aware of the central atom as it spins around. There is a lot to enjoy about the universe . The universe has some purpose whatever it is and we are a part of it. It's hard to see sometimes , but it's there. I'm one of the ones who believes in an all understanding loving universe that is aware of all the pain and difficulties and gives us the tools to understand and cope the best  we can. You might not think that no one is there when you knock on the door for help, but I really don't believe that . I look at the fact that I have food and shelter which in and of itself is quite amazing given that we live on a rock in basically totally empty space. How did we get food from empty space , I sure wasn't the one that thought of it.

[Dena]

I understand where you are coming from because I had many nights asking for god to help me only to wake the next morning to find nothing had changed. I wondered if I was committing a sin and would be punished for the way I felt and for thoughts of seeking treatment what would alter my body. I decided that I would receive just as much punishment either way so it didn't matter much what I did. Then the things started happening in my life that change my life. The first was I reached the point of suicide and the depression was black but some how or another the thought of possible treatment gave me a way out of the depression and saved my life. I have a valuable skills I enjoyed doing that earned me enough money to cover the expenses for a transition. Some how or another in the Endo office I meet two transsexuals who told me about the therapy group that made the transition possible. Even after surgery there was the moment I meet my roommate who helped me become more social. My life has so many of these moments that had they not happened, I would not be where I am today.

I don't know much about you but consider the google search that connected you with Susan's. I am sure there were other things in that search but somehow that name stuck out and put you here. If I had a resource like this 40 years ago, I wouldn't have wasted 5 years of my life seeking treatment and not finding it. You have found a place that can make your life better if you are bold enough to do it. For me, it was enough that I had the tools to make my life better. Was it god or was it luck that I had what I needed when I needed it. I don't know but I am willing to give god the credit for that.

[Oliviah]

So faith is a commitment and struggle? Ok I can understand that. So I live till I'm 90 ( 'God' forbid) , and the day before I die I find faith, maybe then I'll say oh I get it, my whole life of misery makes sense because I understand now and now I have faith in God. Sorry I'm really just ranting it's nothing personal. But I 'commit' to being a good person. Sometimes the injustices and prejudices I see in the world hurt so much that I can't breath. Some things in this world I can't handle. ISIS who want to bring evil and misery to the world, then the reaction to ISIS, I mean were these people evil when they were one day old? No they weren't. The world taught them to be evil. And then you have the reaction from those who aren't intelligent enough to realise that which I only makes the world a more dangerous place. I'm sounding like a rambling nutjob, but my point is the only thing I really care about in life is being kind and good. Maybe I'm a bad person for knowing I'm a good person maybe you're not supposed to feel like that. All I know is there is so much that is unfair about life.

What you have basically said to me is that faith is completely arbitrary. Some people have it. Some people don't. some people who are 'bad' find it, some people who are 'good' will never find it. It's absolute nonsense. Sorry. In not having a go at you personally. I suppose I'm just desperate know what life is all about. I always have been. Since I was kid.

I think you are using the word faith in a way that is counter productive.  As the Buddha said.  Life is suffering.  Life is nothing but test after test.  Yes life is not fair.  Yes evil exists.  We make the world what we want it to be. 

Faith is simply fighting the good fight.  As Pink said  Would you trade a walk on part in a war for a lead role in a cage sort of a thing.

To focus on negative endlessly is to create more negativity and pain.  You must change your outlook.  }

There is no magic that will do it for you.  Magic does not exist.  We are animals. 

I understand you have suffered.  We all have.  That is why this place exists.  Some have suffered less.  Some have suffered more. 

Find community.  Find love for yourself.  Find purpose for your life. 

Faith is not giving up that struggle.  The will to power to make it real. 

[KathyLauren]

But you have faith!  You are committed to being a good person.  You do so because it makes you feel good, or because you believe (i.e. have faith) that it is the right way to live, or that it makes the world a better place - insert your own reason here.  That in itself is a worthwhile thing to have faith in.

Whether or not you also believe in God or anything else that comes in canned religion is immaterial.  If you do believe that, and can make it work within your faith of living as a good person, great.  If not, well, maybe that other stuff is not for you. 

You don't need to ask for a gift of faith in something that you don't believe in.  Just acknowledge the faith that you do have - that being a good person is the way to be.  If that doesn't measure up to someone else's idea of what your faith should be, too bad for them. 

[orangejuice]

Yep. I mean you all make very good points. I've been making my way through the the religions, Buddhism, being the latest one I learnt about, 'all is suffering' didn't seem too promising. I more find meaning in religions place in human history tbh. But I get it. There's a lot I find reasonable in it. There's a lot I find reasonable in all religions but unfortunately they let themselves down by hanging on to things that are absurd.

Nothing anyone has replied with is any great surprise to me. And I agree with mostly everything  that's been said. And I'm still unhappy. That the point. That's why I feel so hopeless. It may be a personal thing. Short of being visited by God in my bedroom tonight I find it hard to see how I will find peace. Since I was a kid I've always been like that. I remember looking at the stars as a kid and not understanding why my friends didn't want to talk all night about what it all meant. But maybe the challenge is just to keep on going. Just to keep living. However miserable I may be.

[Dena]

To be at peace with yourself sometimes takes a good deal of work because you have to clean up the problems in your life.  I was over 30 years old before I was able to be at peace with myself. I had transsexualism and a number of other problems in my life I had to deal with and then I found peace. We are here to help you find the peace. There may be other thing that we can't help you with but it is possible that some day you will have what you seek. Just as TG can't be treated in a single day, you can't come to terms with yourself in a single day.

[orangejuice]

Hi Kathy Lauren have just seen your response. If that means I have faith then great. But I'm not a happy person. In fact I'm so far away from being a happy person. Things that I shouldn't care about ( the way I look etc) make me completely miserable. I have so much guilt that I feel that way.  I mean taking on board a lot points that have been made, my life is an absolute miracle. No matter how deep you want to get with it- I am a lucky person. I am lucky to exist in the first place and in the world we have created I am one of the luckier ones. I don't know why I need to know more to be happy. Hopefully I'll be like you guys one day.

[orangejuice]

Dena, ye I mean I suppose that is fair enough. As I said earlier, maybe I'll be happy when I'm 30, maybe when I'm 50, maybe when I'm 100. It's just hard to keep going. And constantly praying for help and constantly being miserable doesn't exactly help me find faith. Whatever that might mean.

[Oliviah]

Dena, ye I mean I suppose that is fair enough. As I said earlier, maybe I'll be happy when I'm 30, maybe when I'm 50, maybe when I'm 100. It's just hard to keep going. And constantly praying for help and constantly being miserable doesn't exactly help me find faith. Whatever that might mean.

Depression is a medical condition that needs treatment.  I pray you seek it.

[Serenation]

I never expect god to answer anything or interact, or prove anything. I think having Faith is accepting you will never know in this life if god exists or not yet believe in god anyway.

[orangejuice]

Do you think I am depressed? Serious question. I mean not finding the point of life, is that depression? I've wondered if I'm just too good at rationalising everything which is why I have never gone in to my Doctors and said look I'm completely depressed. But I still can laugh and smile. It's just hat underneath it all I know I will never really be truly happy. Because my problems in life are unsolvable. I want I be a girl. Ok there may be treatment for that which I am pursuing but it will only be to mitigate how I feel not to 'solve' it. Then I feel depressed and hopeless because I can't see why we all exist on this rock in this tiny slither of existence we occupy. Seriously do you think that makes me depressed? I mean I can still share a joke with a friend or enjoy a good movie. It's just that my default is basically this hopeless feeling. I read a lot that if you're depressed you find it hard to enjoy stuff. I don't. In fact I seek out things like good TV shows or movies to hide the hopelessness. It's a a distraction that I really do enjoy.

[orangejuice]

Can't help but say again Serenation, that that means faith is completely arbitrary. You may as well toss a coin between who has it and who doesn't.

[Dena]

Depression isn't constant and can come and go. I had extreme depression but I could enjoy my work, enjoy a joke or family. My family had no idea that I was even depressed because it didn't show much when I was around them. I disagree on the usage of the word mitigate. What I felt before is gone and has never returned. Considering how bad I felt before it's almost a miracle. When the pain is gone from your life and for the most part the primary emotion you feel it happiness, the world is so much different. Just the small things in life bring joy and there are many of them we feel every day.

You need to understand you have a huge amount of baggage from your past you need to deal with. When you do, your outlook on life will change.

[Oliviah]

Do you think I am depressed? Serious question. I mean not finding the point of life, is that depression? I've wondered if I'm just too good at rationalising everything which is why I have never gone in to my Doctors and said look I'm completely depressed. But I still can laugh and smile. It's just hat underneath it all I know I will never really be truly happy. Because my problems in life are unsolvable. I want I be a girl. Ok there may be treatment for that which I am pursuing but it will only be to mitigate how I feel not to 'solve' it. Then I feel depressed and hopeless because I can't see why we all exist on this rock in this tiny slither of existence we occupy. Seriously do you think that makes me depressed? I mean I can still share a joke with a friend or enjoy a good movie. It's just that my default is basically this hopeless feeling. I read a lot that if you're depressed you find it hard to enjoy stuff. I don't. In fact I seek out things like good TV shows or movies to hide the hopelessness. It's a a distraction that I really do enjoy.

Yes.  You sound like someone who has clinical depression.