Being happy not transitioning?

[Ashley3]

... But my husband has opted not to transition for several reasons. He says he doesn't feel like he needs to go to that extreme. So far, just being able to admit it to himself has been a huge step forward. There's still many steps to take to figure out where his happy balance lies, but that's what the therapist is for - to be that unbiased guide to self-discovery. ...

Those steps, healthy positive admissions, and the many more steps you state must still be taken, are all nothing less than good healthy transition, or transition exploration as I like to say. So congrats, it sounds like you're transitioning in a healthy way that works for you both. Pretty cool.

[autumn08]

In order to be happy without transitioning, you can not take transitioning off the table, because doing so would designate your desire to transition as wrong. Therefore, to be happy before transitioning, you must understand the conditions that need to be met before you start transitioning, and then strive to meet those conditions. Meeting your conditions may take more than lifetime, but regardless, you need to try. 

[emerry]

I really need to know, is it possible for someone to be happy and to cope with their dysphoria without transitioning? 

Like by getting therapy, etc.? 

Not denying that they are trans, just coping with the feelings that causes them and being ok with who they are, in the body they are born in, or at least getting by and being overall mostly happy?

Yes, you can. I'm happy without. But it's not that I'm not doing anything.

I don't repress anything and work hard to unravel all the things I was repressing or avoided looking at, because they're scary. I deal with it through understanding what I want and what I feel, and doing what I want to do, as long as it's reasonable and within my possibilities.

I didn't know I'm completely transgender until recently, because I simply didn't recognise myself in the widespread narrative. I didn't know it all means that my gender is on the masculine side of the force, I don't "feel like a man", I just feel like myself, and I happen to be more like a man on the inside. So I invented many ways to deal with dysphoria, not even knowing it is dysphoria. I simply asked myself what I want and went get it. I thought I'm weak? I went to the gym. Hips? Get the right pants. Chilbirths? Babies? I don't ever need to do it. "Cute" clothing? I have the right not to wear it if I don't like it. Females can't do this or that? Something is considered unfeminine and inappropriate for my sex? I'm gonna do it anyway, who cares, if it makes me happy?

So in the end, I don't bother with trying to make a woman out of myself, to fit the role of a woman. I accept that I'm trans, I'm not hiding it (and hence, I'm fairly out), I accept the feelings that come with it and respect my own needs. What I'm trying to say is that I'm not transitioning in the legal or medical sense, but living authentic and accepting your own feelings is of utmost importance if you don't want to struggle with depression, anxiety and other psychological problems. For some people living authentic involves medical and legal transition, for some, like me, it doesn't. Medical and legal transition doesn't offer me anything I want or need right now. I don't see my body as a woman's body, I see it as just a human body, as my body, and I'm content with it as long as it is in shape. I have people around me who understand and accept me as I am too. And this is why I don't transition right now and I'm happy with it. And probably - what I'm doing is another kind of transition, just a non-stereotypical one.

[JLT1]

Hi,

I could not pass no matter what I did.  I fought with insurance so that the would cover FFS.  I won.  I had surgery.  I pass.

The decision to transition is up to you.  It isn't without problems either way.  Weigh everything out and live life to its fullest either way.

Hugs

Jen

[Ms DeeDee]

In order to be happy without transitioning, you can not take transitioning off the table, because doing so would designate your desire to transition as wrong. Therefore, to be happy before transitioning, you must understand the conditions that need to be met before you start transitioning, and then strive to meet those conditions. Meeting your conditions may take more than lifetime, but regardless, you need to try.

That's a beautiful statement Autumn.

. . .
What I'm trying to say is that I'm not transitioning in the legal or medical sense, but living authentic and accepting your own feelings is of utmost importance if you don't want to struggle with depression, anxiety and other psychological problems. For some people living authentic involves medical and legal transition, for some, like me, it doesn't.
. . .

Emerry, I love everything you had to say as well.

I shared both your comments in full with my SO.  We're in the early stages and we really have no idea where this is all going.  Not assuming it's going anywhere in particular or limiting it by saying that it's not going there are both very comforting things that I will try hard to apply.  Being authentic with or without any particular step towards "transition" seems like a very important step in itself.

Thank you so much for taking the time to contribute and help others.

Hugs.

Love,
DeeDee

[stephaniec]

life is life do what ever needs to be done to attain happiness. If you have a job that sucks find another one and it doesn't matter what kind of work it is . You can be happy no matter what you do , Same with transition , its all about finding your self. I happen to need the full enchilada  with green sauce preferably .Maybe a tequila sunrise or two.

[Tessa James]

In my experience Yes.  I was reasonably happy most of life and, like so many before us, adapted and coped with what I could not change.  Happiness is a gift we give ourselves and is enshrined in the US constitution as that honored "Pursuit of..."

Happiness can be found and created in the toughest of situations.  Still I think dysphoria is lifelong and progressive for most people if not treated.

About four years ago I was hitting my rock bottom of personal despair.  I started counseling with a gender therapist not intending to transition but just to cope.  What I learned about myself was that the repression, hiding and denial was killing me.  The answer became obvious.  If I was to stop the hiding and denial I would be telling the truth and I would be  "out."  I had great support from my spouse and have learned to live the dream denied for way too long.

Your journey is also custom made to fit YOU.

[KerryJK]

...So I invented many ways to deal with dysphoria, not even knowing it is dysphoria. I simply asked myself what I want and went get it. I thought I'm weak? I went to the gym. Hips? Get the right pants. Chilbirths? Babies? I don't ever need to do it. "Cute" clothing? I have the right not to wear it if I don't like it. Females can't do this or that? Something is considered unfeminine and inappropriate for my sex? I'm gonna do it anyway, who cares, if it makes me happy?

So in the end, I don't bother with trying to make a woman out of myself, to fit the role of a woman. I accept that I'm trans, I'm not hiding it (and hence, I'm fairly out), I accept the feelings that come with it and respect my own needs. What I'm trying to say is that I'm not transitioning in the legal or medical sense, but living authentic and accepting your own feelings is of utmost importance if you don't want to struggle with depression, anxiety and other psychological problems. For some people living authentic involves medical and legal transition, for some, like me, it doesn't. Medical and legal transition doesn't offer me anything I want or need right now. I don't see my body as a woman's body, I see it as just a human body, as my body, and I'm content with it as long as it is in shape. I have people around me who understand and accept me as I am too. And this is why I don't transition right now and I'm happy with it. And probably - what I'm doing is another kind of transition, just a non-stereotypical one.

Very well said.

I have a constant problem with people who seem determined to conflate TG with TS, who won't stop asking me about whether I'm having the op and concluding that non-interest in GRS just shows that you're faking, lying or attention seeking and have nothing of value to say about either gender or ->-bleeped-<-.  As if the only two options available are to either commit to invasive and life changing surgery or to shut up and conform to an arbitrary gender role you may not be happy with.  I believe this to be harmful on many levels, introducing unnecessary stress, coercion and manipulation into what should be a personal, serious process with no preset outcome. 

I have solidarity with those who transition (though I have concluded it would not be appropriate in my particular case) but believe it should be something defined by personal circumstance and identity, not external pressure or flawed gender conventions.       

[Vercingetorix88]

I am trying to be happy not transitioning, but it's not working.  I stopped transitioning as I am too ugly and it makes life too hard.  It sucks having this disease.

[TechGirl]

I am trying to be happy not transitioning, but it's not working.  I stopped transitioning as I am too ugly and it makes life too hard.  It sucks having this disease.

Being over 40, I imagine that hrt isn't going to magically transform me into the perfect image of a woman nor is it going to erase all my male features.  I'll probably end up as something halfway in between that only Dr. Frankenstein would love.

But seriously, the physical changes will likely be minimal, and only serve to help with my presentation.  What I'm really looking forward to are the mental changes and atrophy of certain parts of my anatomy.

Don't let perception of what we "might" become impede your progress.  Who we are inside has a huge influence over what beauty really is.

I'm not saying any of us has to transition.  Just be honest with yourself with the reasons and don't let the opinions of others skew your decision.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

I haven't transitioned medically or socially, and I am happy.  What makes me happy now? I have accepted the fact that I was born female bodied, and while I would be happy to suddenly have a male body, I know I can live the rest of my life as-is.  I don't need to conform to please others or fit in with society. Medically transitioning won't give me the body I may think I should have been born with, just an adjusted/manipulated version of what I have now. If I medically transition, it won't stop me from always seeing something wrong with it, I'd always think that I am too short, not muscular enough, my voice won't be deep enough, etc.  The problem with happiness is with my brain, not my body.

I used to think exactly this way, that transition wouldn't satisfy what my brain really wanted. It was a good mental position to take because I couldn't afford surgery and was concerned about employment issues. I made a conscious decision to reconsider top surgery in the future because I still really wanted that. I knew a number of people in college who did top surgery but no HRT.

For a while, I really was happy. I met a nice girl (who loves ftms), got a job in my field, got away from The Parents, was supporting myself, etc.

I'm not sure what happened but one thing led to another and I added some additional stressors in my life and I've been seriously depressed for a while. In the course of working on that depression all of this old stuff came back up again.

I have this mental script about enduring things. I endured an abusive household. I endured the taunting at school (b/c of my social disability). I endured the chest tumors. I endured being misgendered.

But somehow I am finding a sense of self esteem I never had before and boundaries and I'm getting very impatient with people calling me by the wrong name (my name has always been one thing but at my current job a lot of people have decided to call me something else, which I hate), calling me a woman, etc. Of course, once I start thinking about my body again I want to change that as well. I feel like I can live again. I tried so hard to gain weight (upper body) while I was depressed but it was insanely slow going. Now I have T and everything seems possible.

I think that awareness meditation probably helps with acceptance because you close your eyes and feel your breathing and what your nerves (not eyes) tell you is fairly gender neutral. It's proven to help with depression, so I would give that a try. I won't lie and say it's easy to learn how to do, but some places have group classes, which might help.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

I'm 15 when I wright this, and I can't imagine a life without transistion. 1 year is more than 2 for me. I can't go to gender specialist by myself before 18 and can't start transistion medically before 20 or 21. Because the tests take 2 years before you can start the 5 years long treatment in my country Norway. It's a really big Hell down here. I don't think I would manage to not transistion at all here in my life.

How can they force you to go through the wrong puberty? Cruel and outrageous? Not saying the US is so great on these issues, but if the parents aren't selfish douchebags a child can socially and medically transition at a very young age in the US and have a much better life thereby.

[Tessa James]

I am trying to be happy not transitioning, but it's not working.  I stopped transitioning as I am too ugly and it makes life too hard.  It sucks having this disease.

It is my pleasure to welcome you to Susan's Place.  Fears about passing and our appearance are rather commonly expressed here and you are not alone in having concerns.  I hope you will note that all major medical and psychological groups have recognized that being transgender is not a disease.  Our dysphoria varies from person to person but is treatable and we do have options that people frequently discuss. 

[Sebby Michelango]

How can they force you to go through the wrong puberty? Cruel and outrageous? Not saying the US is so great on these issues, but if the parents aren't selfish douchebags a child can socially and medically transition at a very young age in the US and have a much better life thereby.

You don't know us, so you can't say if my family is bad or not. The laws says you have to be 18+ to go to a gender specialist at your own, but you can go to them under the age 18 with parents. But I would rather wait to I turn 18 and go alone. If my parents says one information wrong, I can get seriously consequences. The therapists decide if I'm trans enough or not to undergo medical treatment. It's the only legal way to get medical transistion in Norway. 80% get treatment refused, only 20% undergo treatment. There are also high age limit at medical transistion. If you discovering you're trans in early early childhood, you may get HRT at the age 16 with your parents permission. Only HRT, not surgeries. Surgeries are 18 years age limit, HRT depends. Sometime it's 16. The Norwegian system would try to avoid people transistion too early. If you're too young and do a mistake, it wouldn't turn so well according to the system. I could go on hormones blockers if we just come at the idea earlier. But since I'm so late in the "Puberty", it's too late, I guess so.

It's true my parents says I should wait to I turn 18 years old. But that doesn't make them evil. It's easy for people to judge via the internet. I love my family and they are kind. They just have no idea what being trans is like. But it's the law who decides anyway. If I goes to the therapist as 18, I would not be able to start medical transistion before 20. Because the examination and RLE takes a couple of years. RLE period is 1 year, but the examination is 2 years total in many cases.

[Lolz99]

Very easily. I'm a non-transitioning MtF and loving life. I have the soul of a woman but I don't feel like I need to live on the right body to be happy. Tbh in some ways I like the privileges that come with staying as a gay male

[JMJW]

It's certainly possible to cope. But I haven't experienced overall happiness. More like fleeting moments, for example if I come across a really good show or movie. But real life is dull and when other people laugh, I find myself with no expression at all. I'd rather spend my brain power writing fictional stories where I can be anything I want. People will say it's not real. But if it's real enough to you and it's not hurting anybody, what does it matter? 

[SACHATTE]

I really need to know, is it possible for someone to be happy and to cope with their dysphoria without transitioning? 

Like by getting therapy, etc.? 

Not denying that they are trans, just coping with the feelings that causes them and being ok with who they are, in the body they are born in, or at least getting by and being overall mostly happy?

Yes it is.

[emerry]

I'm glad I could help, DeeDee.

[Midnightstar]

I really need to know, is it possible for someone to be happy and to cope with their dysphoria without transitioning? 

Like by getting therapy, etc.? 

Not denying that they are trans, just coping with the feelings that causes them and being ok with who they are, in the body they are born in, or at least getting by and being overall mostly happy?

Yes, i think a person can cope and be happy without transitioning
however i think it also depends on the levels of their discomfort.
I've wondered about if transitioning is for me and even though i'm saying and deciding yes
i also think if i really wanted i could live without it if i just got top surgery. I'm still debating everything
sometimes but i think either way for me is a possibility. But again to reply to your question yea i think its possible
i think they'll maybe always have a level of discomfort but honestly even people who transition sometimes does to a degree. So yea, probably.