I don't want to live. I never have. But I am not living anyway. I'm only existing.
The anxiety and depression is too much for me to bear. I hate how everyone looks at me like I'm some kind of freak. No one gets it. When I think I meet someone who does, I am unsurprisingly proven wrong soon enough. I want my existence to end itself. Being alive might as well be as bad as being dead. In my case that is. I mean, hell, I feel like a ghost already as it is. No one notices me and when they do I am just a butt-end of a transphobic/homophobic/racist joke.
I am so sick of having to call my Medicaid all of the time to arrange for rides to and from dialysis, only to be constantly misgendered, especially because of my assigned name (that I do not have the funds to change right now) and my voice (no matter how hard I've practiced to deepen it without T, it still gets annoyingly read as female which only reinforces my suffocating gender dysphoria). Correcting them is pointless because I am usually met with a 5 to 15 second silence before the representative (usually women) rudely moves on asking for my name and date of birth and avoids to acknowledge my request as if she did not hear what I just inquired.
Paramedics took me to the hospital for nothing today. I got a call from my dialysis center about my potassium being too high and that I needed to go to the ER immediately. I hate people as it is, and to hear that was a nightmare cause I know in the hospital I would have even less privacy than I already do at home. Right away the emergency rescue and police (guess they showed up cause I used to call about killing myself so much in the past) began misgendering me and addressing me by assigned name at birth, which really ticked me off. Even when I politely stated that I dislike my assigned name and would much rather be called Phoenix, one very rude male paramedic made me feel lower than cow dung when he said, "You will be called by (insert birth name here) because that is the name you are currently registered under and you will be referred to as "she." I really wanted to fight that man and make bloody, spaghetti meat sauce out of 'em. But I just sulked my shoulders and took this "divine punishment" by the hands of some cruel, unseen deity or force.
So in the end, I was discharged because turns out my potassium level was actually ok. When I called my facility, the nurse kept telling me "no," as if I were a child who hadn't a clue of what I am talkin about. Even though I told her the levels and everything. I don't know why the hospital staff were lazy, would not do what they're being paid for and call the facility to speak with them directly about the results. They gave me a voucher slip to ride with a cab to the center. Though they looked at me like I was either the biggest, dumbest and ugliest idiot they have ever laid eyes on or like I was a freak as I said previously. I stutter, freeze up and have the wrong words just magically pop out of my mouth when I rarely have the opportunity to speak to people. When the anxiety and dysphoria and depression and paranoia becomes too much, I become selectively mute and will have to disengage from the conversation which will allow me to become depersonalized or dissociated. I have to escape inside of myself. Afterall, all of my friends live inside of my head. I have many pleasant fantasy worlds, with environments, situations, people, animals and other things in my head that I wish to the gods were my reality and not this physical, plain, 3 dimensional, painful and unwelcoming one we currently are forced to reside in.
So without saying much, I just walked out of there and walked home. Cussed out my facility. I refuse to return there. I think most of the techs and everyone else really hates me. I feel like most people are only out to get me and if I ever found out this was not so, it would be devastating. I don't expect much from people, so when they let me down I have learned to get over it rather quickly and move on.
Just wanna know if there are some trans-oriented numbers I can call after hours for support and guidance in times of adversity, such as these. Seems I am always like this when business hours aren't in service. What am I supposed to do in this sort of situation? Talk to myself out loud, I guess. I refuse to return to the ER. Guess I will just wallow in bed all day until I get bored. Maybe if my dad goes over his wife's house and I'm feelin' naughty might look at some dirty videos to entertain and please myself. If I had money, would go out clubbin', get high, drunk and party all night long. I'm grown, I got a frustrated libido and I got a right to throw a pity party. Ya know what I'm sayin'?
I'm out.
This year sucked big time, as most, if not all of my years existing in this time have. I hope the next life will be even 0.000001% times better. It would be better if there was no life after this any how.
