I don't want to live. I never have. But I am not living anyway. I'm only existing.

The anxiety and depression is too much for me to bear. I hate how everyone looks at me like I'm some kind of freak. No one gets it. When I think I meet someone who does, I am unsurprisingly proven wrong soon enough. I want my existence to end itself. Being alive might as well be as bad as being dead. In my case that is. I mean, hell, I feel like a ghost already as it is. No one notices me and when they do I am just a butt-end of a transphobic/homophobic/racist joke.

I am so sick of having to call my Medicaid all of the time to arrange for rides to and from dialysis, only to be constantly misgendered, especially because of my assigned name (that I do not have the funds to change right now) and my voice (no matter how hard I've practiced to deepen it without T, it still gets annoyingly read as female which only reinforces my suffocating gender dysphoria). Correcting them is pointless because I am usually met with a 5 to 15 second silence before the representative (usually women) rudely moves on asking for my name and date of birth and avoids to acknowledge my request as if she did not hear what I just inquired.

Paramedics took me to the hospital for nothing today. I got a call from my dialysis center about my potassium being too high and that I needed to go to the ER immediately. I hate people as it is, and to hear that was a nightmare cause I know in the hospital I would have even less privacy than I already do at home. Right away the emergency rescue and police (guess they showed up cause I used to call about killing myself so much in the past) began misgendering me and addressing me by assigned name at birth, which really ticked me off. Even when I politely stated that I dislike my assigned name and would much rather be called Phoenix, one very rude male paramedic made me feel lower than cow dung when he said, "You will be called by (insert birth name here) because that is the name you are currently registered under and you will be referred to as "she." I really wanted to fight that man and make bloody, spaghetti meat sauce out of 'em. But I just sulked my shoulders and took this "divine punishment" by the hands of some cruel, unseen deity or force.

So in the end, I was discharged because turns out my potassium level was actually ok. When I called my facility, the nurse kept telling me "no," as if I were a child who hadn't a clue of what I am talkin about. Even though I told her the levels and everything. I don't know why the hospital staff were lazy, would not do what they're being paid for and call the facility to speak with them directly about the results. They gave me a voucher slip to ride with a cab to the center. Though they looked at me like I was either the biggest, dumbest and ugliest idiot they have ever laid eyes on or like I was a freak as I said previously. I stutter, freeze up and have the wrong words just magically pop out of my mouth when I rarely have the opportunity to speak to people. When the anxiety and dysphoria and depression and paranoia becomes too much, I become selectively mute and will have to disengage from the conversation which will allow me to become depersonalized or dissociated. I have to escape inside of myself. Afterall, all of my friends live inside of my head. I have many pleasant fantasy worlds, with environments, situations, people, animals and other things in my head that I wish to the gods were my reality and not this physical, plain, 3 dimensional, painful and unwelcoming one we currently are forced to reside in.

So without saying much, I just walked out of there and walked home. Cussed out my facility. I refuse to return there. I think most of the techs and everyone else really hates me. I feel like most people are only out to get me and if I ever found out this was not so, it would be devastating. I don't expect much from people, so when they let me down I have learned to get over it rather quickly and move on.

Just wanna know if there are some trans-oriented numbers I can call after hours for support and guidance in times of adversity, such as these. Seems I am always like this when business hours aren't in service. What am I supposed to do in this sort of situation? Talk to myself out loud, I guess. I refuse to return to the ER. Guess I will just wallow in bed all day until I get bored. Maybe if my dad goes over his wife's house and I'm feelin' naughty might look at some dirty videos to entertain and please myself. If I had money, would go out clubbin', get high, drunk and party all night long. I'm grown, I got a frustrated libido and I got a right to throw a pity party. Ya know what I'm sayin'?

I'm out.

This year sucked big time, as most, if not all of my years existing in this time have. I hope the next life will be even 0.000001% times better. It would be better if there was no life after this any how.

Dear King:

All I can offer is to be here, listen and respond, for which I am honored to do.  Your health and living situation are something I know little about, which is to say they sound challenging.  I know mine and and that's the reality.  What isn't real is that your life isn't important or doesn't make a difference.

One thing I know I for sure, your frustration is understandable.  Transitioning isn't a simple walk in the park either.  However King, you are a terrific person and each day you carry on you make a statement to the world and make it it a better place.  Not everyone can say that; sooo my dear, stay in touch and press on. I for one appreciate that you do so.

It's great to know you are there!!!!   

Take care and stay in touch,

Rachel

So sorry to hear this happen to you . Maybe you could report the paramedic somehow. I wrote a review for my doctors clinic because it turned out my doctor got none of my letters about me being trans and what my plans were  . Although I didn't have the courage to report it further. Is there another doctor you can go too?
And I'm also going through a sh*tty time. I've been off from work because of depression, my ex is driving me mad and the one person who could become a friend can't go out at the moment because they're broke. Right now I'm simply surviving because I don't have the guts to end it. I think tomorrow I'm going to drink myself into a stupor for the first time because I don't see the point anymore. Nobody cis understands what it's like being us. All I can do is imagine scenarios in my head of me being happy in 2016 but I know it's just fiction. I thought I would be happy by now but I'm just not.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you're not alone. Do anything to make yourself feel better. Eat so.e junk food, exercise or buy a small item of male clothing. The narrow window of you feeling alright again will return. You're a handsome man who in no way looks female unlike what the demented people at the hospital thought. You will be missed if you didn't post on here.

Big hug! Wish I could carry some of that weight for you. 

Hugs, Devlyn

Thanks Rachel. Thanks Elis. Thanks Devlyn (cute Santa hat by the way, in your avatar). Its helpful to read your replies. Guess there's not a whole lot anyone can really do. I mean, I know I'm not a kid and can do for myself. Guess, even though I am physically mature, mentally I feel like a child. My dad told me I am still a child last month. Maybe I really am. I am starting to wonder. I don't feel competent. I feel like I am mentally slow or even retarded. And I don't mean that as an insulting slur. I really feel like my IQ must be so far below average it isn't even funny.

If I knew life was so hard, I wish my parents would have never had me. Why do I have to be here if its so painful? Why?

I didn't choose this. I guess no one chooses the life they have.

I don't know who to talk to. I want to self-amputate my breasts and mutilate my genitals, but I'm afraid I'll end up in the hospital and be exposed to prying hands and eyes yet again.

I want to die.

I've been wearing it every day since Thanksgiving. Yeah, I'm THAT annoying person! 

Hugs, Devlyn

Glad I could help in it least some way Phoenix . I feel like I have a low IQ too. Seems to take me longer to understand jokes or social cues or politics that my dad and brother loves to talk about so much. I think I'm getting better as I have to do so much by myself now with transitioning. And I'm starting to understand it's a process. We learn things at different rates and we just have to be thrown into things to learn how to fend for ourselves. Which I find utterly frightening and nerve wracking.
I think having children is kind of the most selfish thing you can decide to do seeing how the state of the world is and the overpopulation problem.
I also have to talk to my doctor about what the situation is of putting me on the waiting list for the NHS GIC. Which I'm putting off as I hate having to out myself and talk to doctors. And all the odd looks I'll get through the whole gic process.
I'm still waiting for god or whatever to end this. What are the higher powers that be waiting for?

Hey Phoenix,

It's unfortunate that you had to go through that. It's frustrating that the medical staff that you're having to deal with refuse to respect your pronouns or name. You should absolutely report anyone refusing to provide you with adequate care. It may not go anywhere, but it should be noted. God forbid they refuse someone care someday because of their trans status, and they get a slap on the wrist because it was the first complaint.

I'm sorry that you're dealing with all of this. I can't say much that will make the situation better for you, other than to say that it will get better with time. I was in a bad place mentally for many years before I was ready to come out and transition. I knew I was trans at 17, and knew that medical transition was the only option for me. Yet it took me until I was 25 to feel comfortable and ready to transition. I can't say that I didn't feel the same things that you're feeling right now. I was depressed, anxious, withdrawn, and felt socially isolated. But you know what? It got better. It took time.

In the almost decade since I came out to myself, people's minds have changed about trans people. People's hearts have changed. I firmly believe that it is only going to improve moving forward. And you should be here to see it.

Nixy nothing that you write ever sounds stupid, actually much the opposite. You may not feel it, but you always come across as pretty tough. Don't let other people make you feel bad because you see or feel things that they don't.

My transition has been late because I never had the self confidence to do it - I still feel like I'm doing everything wrong - and I think everyone feels that way at some point. I also feel like a child even though I'm 24. Parents treat you like an adult but then when you make the adult decision to transition, you're suddenly a child who doesn't know what they're talking about. It's really frustrating. I think sometimes being trans makes you grow up fast and slow at the same time. We weren't taught how to be a trans man, we were taught how to be a cis girl. It's tricky. I think the only solution is to stick with it and prove that we're not stupid, and we know our own minds.

your having tough times, all I can do is send hugs. My life story has been pretty nasty , but somehow I've gotten this far and the light does shine through once in a while.

Hey, King,

I'm really sorry that you're going through all of this.  I wish I knew the right words to say to make you feel better.  If you ever need someone to just listen to you, feel free to hit up my messages anytime, and I will be a shoulder you can lean on, even if I can't offer any advice.  I will say though, that you have major guts to be able to go through all of that and still be standing.  Also, if you ever just want to rant anonymously, there is a site called Blah therapy, where you can either be a "listener" or a "venter".  I heard about this place from another guy here, and I have used it several times when I am down.  Honestly, helped me a lot, even just to relieve some stress temporarily.  Maybe you should consider looking into it.  Hang in there.  You have your family here. 

Quote from: King Phoenix on December 19, 2015, 05:58:47 PM
Thanks Rachel. Thanks Elis. Thanks Devlyn (cute Santa hat by the way, in your avatar). Its helpful to read your replies. Guess there's not a whole lot anyone can really do. I mean, I know I'm not a kid and can do for myself. Guess, even though I am physically mature, mentally I feel like a child. My dad told me I am still a child last month. Maybe I really am. I am starting to wonder. I don't feel competent. I feel like I am mentally slow or even retarded. And I don't mean that as an insulting slur. I really feel like my IQ must be so far below average it isn't even funny.

If I knew life was so hard, I wish my parents would have never had me. Why do I have to be here if its so painful? Why?

I didn't choose this. I guess no one chooses the life they have.

I don't know who to talk to. I want to self-amputate my breasts and mutilate my genitals, but I'm afraid I'll end up in the hospital and be exposed to prying hands and eyes yet again.

I want to die.

Hi Phoenix,


I'm sorry you're in difficult period of your life, but please try to keep moving towards a better future.

If you would like to speak to someone, maybe try Trans Lifeline, (877) 565-8860.

I hope you let us know how you are soon, as I'm worried about you.

Hang in there KP - please remain happy to be alive!  I don't have magic words to help you but I do want to say is that things are not hopeless even when they feel so deeply to be hopeless to you. Try hard to reach for and grab any hope you can. I strongly believe we all have a purpose on this earth, even though it's a chore to find it at times.
Love,
Denali

Hi KP - I was there a couple of days ago and believe me once you decide you want to end it and you cross the border of no return then you realise that you have so much to live for. Things may seem very dark now they may feel unbearable but this is unfortunately the hard part of reality. One thing that you should take into account you will always have these people surrounding you.

My therapist told me the concept of knowledge and care. The first thing you ask yourself is does this person care about you. With medical staff no they don't you are just a client. Does this person have knowledge about you. No this person does not they don't understand your struggle what you are experiencing and what life is like for you. So should you care what they do or think? I know the desperate feeling of wanting to pass and be gendered correctly. But maybe give it some more time you will get there T will do wonders for you.

Remember transitioning is not a race and you are in the awkward stage right now. In a while you will look back and think all that crap that I took was so worth it.

Stay strong

hugs - Amoray

Aw, Nix.  Geez, brother.  I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.  I wish I could give you a hug.

You are a smart dude.  You have a future.  Yeah, you gotta learn to talk to people.  Get out from under your pops' thumb, and make a life for yourself.  I know you can do it, man.

My wife's friend had a lot of trouble talking to people too.  She's a social worker now, and she's amazing.  I bet you'd be a really good social worker.  You're young, too, so there's probably good grant money out there for you.

The way you write... you make lots of sense, you're clear, coherent, you sound bright.  You can use that.  You can literally walk up to people with a type-written statement and have them read it.  It might feel awkward, but if the statement says that you have trouble speaking, they'll get it and work with you as best they can.  Won't work with random folks on the street, but almost any government official, store clerk, etc., will just treat you like a human.

One thing to look into is Toastmasters.  They're pretty well-known for helping people get over fear of speaking.

I can relate to much of what you wrote. I never wanted to live until I came here and got help with hormones and friends to share those troubling times with. Vent away here or a helpline all you need to. Just know that you aren't alone in how you feel. You are not a freak or anything of the sort. (I reserve that title for myself.)

Hey everyone. Thank you so much for your support. That means so much to me, that I think I'm going to cry. When you've lived most of your life thinking the way I have, that no one cares or loves you, then reading the supportive things ya'll had to say is very shocking...but in a positive way.

I'm sorry if I have scared or worried anyone with this thread. That was not my intention. And thanks for any references anyone has provided me with here. You folks are all superstars and I wish you the Happiest of Holidays.

Good luck for the next New Year. Maybe catch the first sunrise of the new year, as the Japanese believes it brings tremendously good luck. Maybe I'll give that a shot.

Yeah. It gets real tiresome at times to be in this situation. But I do believe people like us have a lot more stamina than the average person. We made it this far. What's a few idiots on the street or lack of manners at the medical facility? Nothing to what we've already dealt with for years.

You gotta remember though, people in the medical profession - well, I don't want to say this and upset anyone here who might be a medical professional, but they see people day in day out, they are desensitized to them in a way we are not. Surgeons for example can end up seeing people like just things/bags of meat that need to be worked on, and if I did that for a job every day, I guess I would too. So medical professionals seeming rude or just insensitive is just another day on the job for them really, they aren't going to go out of their way to make us feel comfortable. They're trained to save lives, and not so much to put people at ease. So forget it if they misgender you or act like jerks. It's really more important you get your dialysis and maintain your health.

Honestly I don't care if people misgender me. At worst, I find it kind of amusing that they're probably working overtime upstairs to figure out what I am like it's that important to them. At best, it doesn't matter because transition and identity should really be for you, and not for them. I know it's dysphoria inducing to hear it, but at the end of the day if you can be happy within yourself what exactly do you need from the outside? It's the dependency on outside validation that makes so many people unhappy. All you really need is your own validation and understanding that what matters most is how you feel about you. Not what they think.

Quote from: T.K.G.W. on December 20, 2015, 09:58:08 AM
Yeah. It gets real tiresome at times to be in this situation. But I do believe people like us have a lot more stamina than the average person. We made it this far. What's a few idiots on the street or lack of manners at the medical facility? Nothing to what we've already dealt with for years.

You gotta remember though, people in the medical profession - well, I don't want to say this and upset anyone here who might be a medical professional, but they see people day in day out, they are desensitized to them in a way we are not. Surgeons for example can end up seeing people like just things/bags of meat that need to be worked on, and if I did that for a job every day, I guess I would too. So medical professionals seeming rude or just insensitive is just another day on the job for them really, they aren't going to go out of their way to make us feel comfortable. They're trained to save lives, and not so much to put people at ease. So forget it if they misgender you or act like jerks. It's really more important you get your dialysis and maintain your health.

Honestly I don't care if people misgender me. At worst, I find it kind of amusing that they're probably working overtime upstairs to figure out what I am like it's that important to them. At best, it doesn't matter because transition and identity should really be for you, and not for them. I know it's dysphoria inducing to hear it, but at the end of the day if you can be happy within yourself what exactly do you need from the outside? It's the dependency on outside validation that makes so many people unhappy. All you really need is your own validation and understanding that what matters most is how you feel about you. Not what they think.

Hey T.KG.W.

I believe you're a heck of alot tougher than I am. If I had even a little amount of that same toughness you possess, I wouldn't even debate with myself whether or not I need to go to the emergency room or not. But your response here was so inspiring, that I am thinking about putting on some clothes and call another ambulance because I did end up missing my treatment yesterday and I will only get worse if I don't get dialysis right away. I have missed a week's worth of treatment before, but its been so long since I've done that, that my body is already feeling bad from just one missed treatment.

Yes, the misgendering is bad and so is the anxiety along with paranoia. But you're right. My health should come first. I guess I will just have to suck it up. I won't even bother correcting them, because the paramedics act like they can't hear me anyway. Or maybe its because I mumble from trying to make my voice sound deeper to be read as male which is always a huge epic fail due to my ID.

*Sigh.* I just called the ambulance yesterday. To call them again, like the next day, is gonna really hurt my insurance and my mental well-being.

At this point, I just want to eat up the whole house since I do not have the money and energy to go get a beer or some street drugs or whatever else I would need to run away from this homicidal reality of greed and hatred.

Dude, go for it. Get yourself to the place and get done what needs to be done. Feeling ill isn't going to help your mind state in any case so get that sorted and you'll probably begin to feel better in more ways than one.

Walk in, give your details, let them say whatever the hell they do and let it slide off your back even if they get your info wrong. Ultimately, that's the mindstate that's best for a good life. Care about the important things, but the small superficial things are nothing but little mosquito bites. You can brush them off. I know it takes a little practice, but it can be done, trust me. I'm a hell of a lot happier once I stopped caring so much about the superficial things people say out there, people who won't give it more than 5 seconds thought, so why should you?