dissatisfied about ftm options

[kasumi]

Hi everyone.

I just joined this website. I'm 23 years old and have only really "known" that I'm trans since I was 16. I haven't done anything about it yet (parents think trans people are fakers-- I don't live with them anymore though). The past few years, my dysphoria has gotten really bad. I often feel no hope for the future, because I'll never be the person I want to be. I got married to a bi (prefers women) guy who's very accepting, but I'm afraid he wouldn't find me attractive if I changed anything about my body. I really want to have my breasts taken off because they're so uncomfortable and I could live with myself better without them, but we both agree that I would look weird without them because of my body shape (and I don't think it's covered by my insurance). I'm trying to lose weight to amend that. Anyway, I find sex horrible and painful and we don't really have any of it (we do other stuff), and I'm hopeful it would change if I did hrt, but-- I'm afraid that I'll never be happy with the results from any type of bottom surgery (I'm also afraid I would never pass facially). The two types of surgeries are both lackluster from my point of view and I'm envious of people who are satisfied with them. I'll just never have a penis, and don't see how I'll ever be able to enjoy sex with my current or even post-srs/hrt genitals.

I don't know if it's worth it for me to transition (besides breast removal), when I don't know whether I'll feel better or worse afterwards. I also live in a country I don't speak the language of, so it's hard to find resources (I do have the email of gender specialists nearby that I'll contact soon). Plus, we visit my parents every summer and they would never, ever accept it even if they would act like they do (they would speak behind my back, etc.). I've learned to get away from their toxic behaviour (I moved overseas at 20), but they're not bad people and I don't want to cut them off entirely because they have flaws. I'm also really into ("female") fashion and makeup and feel like I would have to mostly drop those because I'd want to pass, so I'd be closetting part of my identity to out another, albeit the latter is more important.

I don't really know what to do. My goals so far are just to get hormone blockers (to get rid of painful periods) and breast removal, but I don't know if I should do hrt. I think I want to, but not entirely. It's just scary getting a whole new appearance when I've lived with this one for so long, and don't know if I'd look good at all on the other side.

Any input is greatly appreciated. I went to a therapist for about 7 weeks before making an excuse to stop seeing her because her "method" was completely useless (she gave me no input at all, just reiterated whatever I told her). Aside from dysphoria, I have severe depression and social anxiety, that I can't get meds for because of visa problems. I have extreme fatigue 24/7 that stops me from being able to go out or do anything in general. If it weren't for my husband I'd be in a really dark spot right now, not to be a downer.

[Elis]

Hey, welcome to the site. I'm 21 and have known since I was 19; but only just started medically transitioning. I'm not sure if my advice will help; but I'll give it a go.

I think when considering hormones or surgery you have to think about if you can live with how your body is currently or if you're just going through the motions of day to day life. For me I've had to weigh the pro and cons of hormones. Whether the side effects are worth it and after years of thinking about I'd much rather looking like an ugly man rather than have an ok appearance without T and be constantly misgendered and seen as a female to the outside world. I'd also for myself like to look more male as I know it'll make me mentally feel better. Plus I know I'd constantly wonder 'what if' if I didn't take T. If I decide to not continue T in the future then at least I tried and learned something from it.

When it comes to surgery like most cis men we want the 'perfect' body. But I'd much rather have an ugly looking flat chest rather than the blobs of fat I have currently. I'm undecided about bottom surgery as like you said the results aren't perfect; but again I would want the procedure for my own mental health; not based on what other people think or whether it's fully functional.

There's no 'right' way to be trans. If you only want top surgery then do so if your breasts are causing you dysphoria and depression; not because you may or may not look unattractive. After the procedure then you can think about HRT; which is a lot more of a commitment in some ways than top surgery. Many trans guys choose not to take hormones because they don't want the negative changes; but that doesn't make them any less trans or any lesser than other men.

Right now you can wear a binder, wear mens clothes and cut your hair shorter which will give you a vague idea of what you'll look like on T and what living as male is like. Doing these things also alleviated some of my depression and social anxiety.

Also, I feel myself to be slightly nb; which I'm still trying to deal with and accept. I like fem things as well as masculine stuff. I know people will ridicule me for this and not understand it and I may also receive violence when I'm out in public. But I'd much rather dress how I feel comfortable rather than conform to other people's expectations and feel the same dysphoria and depression I did beforehand.

I hope I helped

[Kylo]

Some people just lose weight and wear binders to reduce the female shape, that way they can present however they want without the serious commitment of HRT and surgery.

Taking hormones will be - in part - a non reversible process for FTM. Voice deepens and there's changes to the hair follicles and the hair they produce.

I did think about this a while myself; I thought I'd still rather have the chest removed, even if I was unable to fully transition. I just hate having breasts, end of. I'd rather have a chest that is flat that nobody needs to see than have these forever bothering me. It wouldn't be a perfect solution but if you still wished to present female having a flatter chest can still be made excuses for, or be concealed or compensated for if you wanted to. Yes, most people would probably view you as a female without decent "assets" and you might come in for some flak for that but you could always just say you had an illness and had to have them removed.

The options for ftm aren't that great in many people's opinions. Personally I don't care about sex so I'm ok with the non-100% functioning penis. I could be more dysphoric about my... "castrated" reality, but I just don't see the point since I've lived this long as is without really caring about putting a penis to use. (Not to say I have no idea, I am in a long term relationship and all, it's just never been that important to me). Guess I've always accepted that I'll just never be able to appreciate that aspect of life as cis males can. It has affected my personality, but I hope in the end for the better. I've found other things to occupy my mind and other goals to concentrate on and life still has plenty of potential for fulfillment in other ways without it. I guess what I'm saying is, it's possible to get over it.   

[Peep]

I did think about this a while myself; I thought I'd still rather have the chest removed, even if I was unable to fully transition. I just hate having breasts, end of. I'd rather have a chest that is flat that nobody needs to see than have these forever bothering me. It wouldn't be a perfect solution but if you still wished to present female having a flatter chest can still be made excuses for, or be concealed or compensated for if you wanted to. Yes, most people would probably view you as a female without decent "assets" and you might come in for some flak for that but you could always just say you had an illness and had to have them removed.   

this is how i feel about chest surgery too... I don't imagine a time (and there hasn't been so far) when I'll want or need breasts of any size. i don't really see the difference between living with a chest i definitely hate now or possibly, maybe, very long shot, living with a flat chest i don't like later.

If there was a pill that could make me grow a natural fully functioning penis, and make my vagina and uterus shrivel up and vanish, I'd do it, but the phallo as it is now is too invasive for me, I don't like the idea of scarring elsewhere on my body, the 1 in 3 complication rate is worrying, and the mechanical element bothers me. But I'm not putting it off the table for life, because medical technology is getting better all the time. Phallos are already supposed to be much better than they were years ago.

[Ritana]

Sorry to hear what you're going through. I don't know much about ftm but all.I can say is that I have seen far higher passability rates among ftm's than mtf's. Testestetones are so powerful that they will entirely change your body type and deepen your voice. I would say there's probably more hope in the horizon than you think.

Hugs

Ritana

[Peep]

Sorry to hear what you're going through. I don't know much about ftm but all.I can say is that I have seen far higher passability rates among ftm's than mtf's. Testestetones are so powerful that they will entirely change your body type and deepen your voice. I would say there's probably more hope in the horizon than you think.

Hugs

Ritana

just to elaborate (in case anyone doesn't already know... ) T won't change your skeletal structure once you've stopped growing, so some of the curve in your hips won't leave no matter what because of the shape of your pelvic bones, but it does make it easier to put on muscle in the upper body which balances the curve, and can redistribute the fat from the hips and bum to the stomach and waist.

[Ritana]

Well... That's what i meant lol. T is far more powerful than E in terms of effects. Once muscles are built around pelvic area than no one will notice your body bone structure down there.

[FTMax]

My only advice is to find a different therapist who will interact with you a little more. Preferably someone with extensive experience working with trans people. If you're in a place where that isn't a possibility, there are some great therapists who operate online and specialize in working with trans folks.

I knew I was trans at 17 and waited until I was 25 to transition. The only thing I was initially sure of was that I wanted top surgery. I didn't settle on HRT until I spoke with a doctor at 25. I also initially wasn't satisfied with the bottom surgery options as they existed. But they've come so far in the last few years - I'm confident that they will continue to improve. I'm planning to have bottom surgery next year. So don't give up on it yet. It can only get better.

Ultimately, transition is a personal decision. You can't let other people's opinions influence what you want, or you'll just end up staying miserable. It seems like you have a lot of things you're juggling mentally. You probably won't get very far trying to figure it all out yourself. A therapist with more of a gender-related background would be exceedingly useful for you.

[Peep]

Well... That's what i meant lol. T is far more powerful than E in terms of effects. Once muscles are built around pelvic area than no one will notice your body bone structure down there.

I wasn't meaning to correct you, just expand the info... sorry if i came off as snarky >.>

OP: You could also try searching for trans body positivity blogs on places like tumblr, which might give you an idea of the variety of possible results in terms of T and chest - I've found that helpful for setting realistic goals and settling a few worries I've had. There are also a few 'ethical' transgender porn sites out there that show a range of trans bodies, even if it's a bit awkward watching them like 'i'm only here to check out the nipple placements'... 

[Ritana]

No worries, sweetie!

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. As you have seen the transition isn't any one thing. Mostly it's a matter of finding a place in life where you are comfortable. This is truer of FTMs because while T is very powerful, the surgical options are fewer so there is no point in having a surgery if it fails to produce the results you desire. For therapy, you should seek out a Gender Therapist or a Psychologist because their style of treatment is different that a psychiatrist.

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[kasumi]

Thanks everyone for your replies, it's given me things to think about and has been very helpful.

I'll definitely keep lurking here. Have fun holidays

[NekoBoy]

I'm not the most experienced among these commenters, but I figured I'd give my advice anyway. If you don't like your breasts, but don't want it to be permanent either, I'd recommend binders. They push the breasts down, so they're not visible.
Also, about your body not being the right shape to be a guy. Well mine isn't exactly either. But that's something you can work on. Like eating more protein and doing a workout routine. But if you want to change a bit more permanently, you could always go on testosterone. That will change your voice, face shape, and body shape. For that you'd have to see a doctor though because you would need to know the right dosage.
Hope this helps!