I could use some advice. Things are complicated and confusing.

[Claire]

I've been seeing a regular therapist for what seems like forever. I'm 61. She knows about this issue and I've been talking around this for years and years. Back in May, I finally opened the door to talk about this and it seemed at the time that all hell broke loose.

I started reading, reading, reading... Kate Bornstein's Gender Workbook and Gender Outlaws. Jenny Boylan's She's Not There. Transgender 101. I just bought the Janet Mock Bio.
I started buying some clothing and dressing again in private when there was opportunity.
I started going to al large group once a month at the LGBT Center.
I starting going to a weekly peer group with Identity House in NYC.

I just recently asked my therapist for a recommendation for someone for whom this is a specialty. She gave me some names about a month ago. I just had an appointment with one this past Friday. Most of what we talked about was background... general stuff about my life and my history regarding this issue. I told him my fears about this issue and I cried a little bit but in general it went well and I liked him very much. I told him that I've always been afraid of moving on this that would be a freak, that I would ruin my life. Just before I left he asked me if I had ever considered going out in as safe place dressed. I told him I was too afraid. He said he wasn't telling me to do so but that I should think about it. As I left I asked him, nearly crying, was this was real or was I just crazy. He told me it was real. He didn't tell me if I was crazy.

I've another appointment for January 8th.

I had thought that all broke out before but that was pale by comparison. I feel so conflicted and scared. One moment I feel like I want to run, run, run towards transition. A minute later I want to close the door on this again. Then things are ok and I feel like I'm making this all up. Then I really freak out and am scared to death.

I am so very confused. I want to really really REALLY do this and don't want to go back, Yet I'm terrified I will ruin my life, loose my job, hurt my wife, loose may marriage. Since May, when give the opportunity I've dressed and it calmed things for maybe a day. Since Friday, as soon as I've removed the clothes, the calmness that usually followed has evaporated almost immediately. I've started to really want to go out into the world wearing something but my wife know nothing of this.

Things are so complicated right now. I could really, really use some advice. I really want to try and wear something to my next appointment but again, I am really afraid. Is this normal? is this just the way it works? Is there a calm all this down?

[RobynD]

I think so many people face this stuff, you are very much not alone. I began to go non-binary gender by about age 22 but did not begin my transition until i was about 47. Talk about a couple of decades of indecision  and not just that but seesawing back and fourth, therapists etc.

It is hard but one thing you often need to do is just slow everything down (ok maybe not as much as i did) and approach things with the end in mind ( a more complete and honest you ) Therapy with someone that knows this stuff is a great first step and seeing that he did know his stuff is probably what caused the panic.

Fear of loss is real and the loss can be real, so though is maintaining the status quo. Approach it with excitement that you are actually helping yourself and take it one step at a time. What you wear or when to disclose to your spouse are really only decisions you can make, but there are also no really wrong decisions. Your spouse should know what you are going through. When we keep things like this a secret in marriage it is not going to help anyone long term. Still the timing is all yours.

[Ms Grace]

It's not guaranteed but things can and do get better. Unfortunately transition can set off a lot of fire works and the journey is usually filled with many hurdles and roadblocks. And yet, compared to the dysphoria one feels it is still, for many people, preferable to go through with it. But I agree with Robyn, you are caught in a whirl wind of emotions at the moment and finding a way to calm things down a bit would benefit you. Wear what you like to the next appointment with the therapist, talk to him about your fears and ways of overcoming them. Talk about your options. You don't have to do anything, you don't have to jump in at the deep end, you can take this at a pace that allows you to make the best decisions for yourself.

[Claire]

Thank you very much for the advice. How can you be sure what may gain will offset the loss? What if this issue is resolved but in the end that is all I have?


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[Ms Grace]

I won't lie - you can't be sure. None of us, when we start, are or can be. There is no guarantee. I will say though that for many, many, many transwomen they are mostly happier on the other side of transition. Myself included. Many will have lost a lot in the process, but many if not most make great gains too. What's the difference when it doesn't work out? Hard to say and the reasons will be varied but a common factor often seems to be getting good solid support, not making rash decisions and having realistic expectations, having a thick skin and self acceptance.

[Claire]

May I ask you for advice from time to time? I promise to not be a nuisance, and if I am just tell me. I have never felt so needy (or so scared) in my entire life.


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[Dee Marshall]

Dori, you can ask any or all of us for advice at any time. I promise we won't see you as a nuisance. Asking for and giving advice and support is why almost every one of us is here. If someone asks and you have advice to give, even if it isn't perfect, speak up. If you need advice speak up. We all do it, and giving back, when we can, is how WE feel that we're not being nuisances.

[Dena]

The function of this site is to help people do whatever they need help with. I only needed a little help but I am happy to give all the help I can. Many others on the site feel as I do.

There were two difficult times in my treatment separated by several years. The first was coming out and the second was when I first started appearing in feminine dress. You are attempting to do both at the same time so you are really going to feel the pressure until you are past this point in your life. It gets much better pretty quickly but for a while you will be feeling just about every emotion in the book.

[RobynD]

There are times I wish we could take two paths in life, see what one went best and then go back and live the good one all over again. As much as we try to do everything, sometimes those paths diverge and you have to pick one ( the less traveled one is best, Robert Frost reminded us, but i'm sure he had his issues with that one too )

The funny thing is, if we did have above luxury we might choose a different path every time. I think we'd all like a detailed account of profit and loss, but instead we have to live it and make of it the best we can.

When you choose, you make the best out of your choice and and I agree with Grace, doing that, it sometimes helps to have a thick skin and accept yourself. Despite the hardship i face and will face, i know that becoming my true self was worth it, and i know that i would not have lived as long, or as deeply had I chose not to transition.

[Claire]

I really thank you for all you have said and I have seen it in all of these threads. I see support and kindness and gentleness and thank you for all of this.

I just came back from my regular therapist and see kept telling me that all I seem to be seeing is the worst case scenario for everything. I've read over and over again that you will be surprised by support from unexpected places. Thank you all for your generosity in accepting me for who I am. I occasionally comment on a post but mostly I feel like I'm on the edges looking in. Thank you for making me feel at home and included. Because of hiding this piece of myself I've always felt apart.

Sorry for rambling but I think part of what scares me right now is I've taken a step into uncharted territory. It is good to have someone to share this with.


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[Dena]

It's very common to feel the way you do this early in treatment. In my case, I felt that way Oooohhh about 37 years ago. I have had plenty of time to get over my shyness and given a little time, so will you. Just relax and take in the atmosphere and soon you will see your post count climbing just like everybody else's.