Help, getting to the intamacy stage with my boyfriend, so scared :(

[VeganGirl1981]

Hi my name is Allysa, I'm 34 years old, Itransotioned when I was 17 and had surgery when I was 23....I first had the typical operation but then after two years had to have sigmoid colon vaginaplasty due to lack of depth (and a couple embarrassing moments with sexual partners which has emotionally scared me) so after that operation I had pretty good depth but due to past bad experiences am really scared to go all the way with guys, I have a couple times but can never seem to relax....I don't  want to be on a pity parade because I have overcome a lot but this is my last hurdle in order to just live a regular life. And I've hidden away from relationships for too long as I don't hide from other thing, I work, have a life, go on holidays etc and I've been lucky in being stealth (pardon the terminology)

I have met a very nice guy and we've been dating a month nearly now, I've not told him anything from my past yet and it is st the point that I feel things will move forward and I am terrified...terrified he will some how guess, or that I'm too tight, we tried once and is not dilated in a couple days and it was relaxing so just kind of made excuses and be accepted that, I don't want him to think I'm a freak, when I dilate I can reach 6 inches so I plan on dilating a little more regularly, at the moment I dilate from either once or twice a week for 30 minutes with a thin dilator and medium sized one...

Can anyone suggest anything please? Because at this stage I think I'll just have to get myself half way drunk in order to loosen up and just got with the flow.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. Please watch what is posted here because this thread is on the edge of getting transferred to sexuality where it will require 15 post to view.

The important thing in any relationship is that you are relaxed with your partner. This may mean that you have to spend months with them getting to know and trust them before you will be able to relax with them. The fact that you are keeping a secret from him and fear discover isn't helping any. I suggest you think about what you need to become comfortable with your partner.

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[VeganGirl1981]

Welcome to Susan's Place. Please watch what is posted here because this thread is on the edge of getting transferred to sexuality where it will require 15 post to view.

The important thing in any relationship is that you are relaxed with your partner. This may mean that you have to spend months with them getting to know and trust them before you will be able to relax with them. The fact that you are keeping a secret from him and fear discover isn't helping any. I suggest you think about what you need to become comfortable with your partner.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Ok Dena, I'm sorry if I posted something I shouldn't have Thankyou for replying

I'm just worried, I know we are all scared of rejection and its best to know sooner rather than later if it's an issue for him but the more time I spend with him the more I like him and don't want him to not want to be with me....life has made me tougher but just like any girl we all want to be loved and accepted.

I know if I told him I would be so much more relaxed as I still live in the same small city I was born in so that's an extra worry when dating.

I've attached a photo of my boyfriend and I


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[Dena]

You haven't done anything wrong. It just that when topics reach a certain point, they are moved to sexuality if they aren't there already. If somebody makes a post that crosses the line. You will find the thread in sexuality when you hit 15 posts. The warning was more for others than you.

We have had many debates on the site about being open or going stealth. Open takes the fear out of life but can limit your partners where as stealth allows you to move freer in society but you live with the fear of discovery. It's a personal choice we all make.

[VeganGirl1981]

You haven't done anything wrong. It just that when topics reach a certain point, they are moved to sexuality if they aren't there already. If somebody makes a post that crosses the line. You will find the thread in sexuality when you hit 15 posts. The warning was more for others than you.

We have had many debates on the site about being open or going stealth. Open takes the fear out of life but can limit your partners where as stealth allows you to move freer in society but you live with the fear of discovery. It's a personal choice we all make.

Ok Thankyou Dena, I guess I'll know when the time is right, Thankyou for your opinion


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[Debra]

I'm mostly stealth nowadays as well but my husband does know and he did know when he first met me.....circumstances just worked out that way for us...and it worked well.

Hiding it from a long term partner might be difficult especially if they find out someday (if they want kids? or notice you don't have a period?, etc) but that's everyone's decision to make for themselves.

As for sex, dilating more often does sound like a good idea. I dilate 30-40min once a week, small to medium to large but then my husband I have sex at least once or twice a week as well so that helps some too.

Maybe do something that makes you relax beforehand, play some music, and/or think about what you like about this guy, etc.

[VeganGirl1981]

I'm mostly stealth nowadays as well but my husband does know and he did know when he first met me.....circumstances just worked out that way for us...and it worked well.

Hiding it from a long term partner might be difficult especially if they find out someday (if they want kids? or notice you don't have a period?, etc) but that's everyone's decision to make for themselves.

As for sex, dilating more often does sound like a good idea. I dilate 30-40min once a week, small to medium to large but then my husband I have sex at least once or twice a week as well so that helps some too.

Maybe do something that makes you relax beforehand, play some music, and/or think about what you like about this guy, etc.

Thankyou Debra, I have a bigger dilator but to be honest it petrifies me...the medium one is about as far as I can go at the moment, I know I just need to relax, wine will help.

I like a lot of things about him, I know he could be the one, I just hope when I do tell him he doesn't get angry it's getting harder to say anything and there's never a right time

I'm so pleased that you met a nice guy and everything is going well! People think that if you have the sigmoid colon vaginaplasty that you don't need to dilate but you really do still have to dilate, maybe if you have a very regular sex life you can maybe do it once a week but from exoeriance if you don't then two times a week is better.

I have a friend who had the same op as me and she says she doesn't dilate anymore, not sure how that's possible  but maybe possible but I would still dilate just to be on the safe side


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[Ms Grace]

Hi, welcome to the forum. You're a great looking couple. This is totally your call but please keep in mind this is an open and public forum, people are able to access any of these pages whether they are registered or not - so posting a pic of yourself with your guy on a trans support forum, a pic that could be seen by anyone, might not be a good way to keep your trans identity secret from him.

[stephaniec]

This is just my two cents. You look great and there is no doubt you would never have to tell him. I sincerely doubt he would give any rumors credence . That being said why live in fear, get it over with, he's a great looking guy, but it's not worth living in fear of being found out and the longer his feelings grow the more pain it's going to cause if he feels deceived.

[Laura_7]

There ara a few things you might say in your favour.

-studies have shown being transgender is biological.
There are differences in brains of women and men, fixed before birth.
So a mismatch is possible. There are even substances known to cause a higher rate of transgender people.
So its literally a womans brain. Imo its an intersex condition.

Studies also have shown that with the influence of estrogen, a neovagina turns into a mucosa over time.
So its the real thing.

More important than xx or xy are hormones. Your boobies are also the real thing.

He is attracted to a woman (you). If you both get along well, hopefully thats all it needs.

Wish you luck.


*hugs*

some people additionally keep an applicator with liquid ready, and use the restroom beforehand and apply it... this might also help calming down... coconut oil might be an idea, just use non latex condoms then...

[Mariah]

HI Allysa, welcome to Susan's. Certainly doing anything to relax you and get you in the mood will help. Yet there there is a certain element of trust, readiness and willingness necessary too. You may just need to relax or something is holding you back and if that is the case you need to figure out what that is so you relax in those types of situations. Even though I'm still waiting for my surgery have been in intimate situations with my boyfriend and I froze up to. I just could not relax. He was doing just fine. I hope your able to figure it out. Hugs
Mariah

[VeganGirl1981]

This is just my two cents. You look great and there is no doubt you would never have to tell him. I sincerely doubt he would give any rumors credence . That being said why live in fear, get it over with, he's a great looking guy, but it's not worth living in fear of being found out and the longer his feelings grow the more pain it's going to cause if he feels deceived.

Thankyou very much Stephanie, I understand what you mean, in my experience though this following statement is so true 'men use love to get sex, woman use sex to get love'

Sad but true, I've never been proved otherwise, maybe this time will be different, I can only hope




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[VeganGirl1981]

There ara a few things you might say in your favour.

-studies have shown being transgender is biological.
There are differences in brains of women and men, fixed before birth.
So a mismatch is possible. There are even substances known to cause a higher rate of transgender people.
So its literally a womans brain. Imo its an intersex condition.

Studies also have shown that with the influence of estrogen, a neovagina turns into a mucosa over time.
So its the real thing.

More important than xx or xy are hormones. Your boobies are also the real thing.

He is attracted to a woman (you). If you both get along well, hopefully thats all it needs.

Wish you luck.


*hugs*

some people additionally keep an applicator with liquid ready, and use the restroom beforehand and apply it... this might also help calming down... coconut oil might be an idea, just use non latex condoms then...

Thankyou Laura, I know that I am female, it's just upsetting that being transsexual is still such an issue to so many guys, they are more concerned with what others think than what they themselves think even if someone is stealth.....

Ok so we had sex and it was enjoyable but it hurt a little and I bled a little, I hadn't dilated for a couple days so maybe next time if I'll have time to dilate before...I'm hoping he hadn't guessed something as I'm not sure (I'm sorry to be so crude) he was completely all in and I know natural born woman don't have that issue I don't think


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[VeganGirl1981]

HI Allysa, welcome to Susan's. Certainly doing anything to relax you and get you in the mood will help. Yet there there is a certain element of trust, readiness and willingness necessary too. You may just need to relax or something is holding you back and if that is the case you need to figure out what that is so you relax in those types of situations. Even though I'm still waiting for my surgery have been in intimate situations with my boyfriend and I froze up to. I just could not relax. He was doing just fine. I hope your able to figure it out. Hugs
Mariah

Thankyou Mariah for you sweet message, you will be fine, you are bound to feel like that prior to surgery but trust me once all is complete it will give you so much confidence and having a partner will make things a lot easier for you in the long run, dies he know your past?


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[Laura_7]

Thankyou Laura, I know that I am female, it's just upsetting that being transsexual is still such an issue to so many guys, they are more concerned with what others think than what they themselves think even if someone is stealth.....

Ok so we had sex and it was enjoyable but it hurt a little and I bled a little, I hadn't dilated for a couple days so maybe next time if I'll have time to dilate before...I'm hoping he hadn't guessed something as I'm not sure (I'm sorry to be so crude) he was completely all in and I know natural born woman don't have that issue I don't think


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Cis women have that issue too ...
its not only a matter of dilation but also of wetness.
If you bled there seemed to be some friction.
This is what cis women have also.

Thus the hint with the applicator.
There are applicators available for lube.
You might get one and have one filled ready, and use it beforehand.
Imo it should not be difficult to excuse yourself for a moment and go to the bathroom, and apply the lube there.

And dilating for a few minutes every other day might also help...
but wetness is important.


*hugs*