Even more confused

[AnamethatstartswithE]

I've been visiting my parents for the past few days. When I'm at my place I seem to need to go into girl mode every day. I was worried that I'd be falling apart without being able to do that. But honestly it's no big deal. I still get the "I wish I were a girl" feelings, but it's honestly not that bad.

A week ago I was sure I wanted to try hormones, now I'm not as sure. Has anyone else experienced this?

[Deborah]

Yes.  Diversions keep the mind busy so it doesn't dwell on its problems.  Wait until you are back home with time to think.  In the meantime enjoy yourself, it's Christmas.


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[Dena]

Being by yourself with time on your hands is when you feel the worst. For me, the worst time of the day was at nigh waiting to fall asleep because it's normal for me to lay there up to an hour before I drift off. I think the old feeling will return when you get home and you will become sure about treatment again.

Before I was transitioning but living by myself, I would hang around work and use the computer to keep myself distracted. At home, I would watch some pretty bad TV to keep myself occupied. I don't recommend it as a permanent solution but it serves in a pinch.

[AnamethatstartswithE]

Well it's been a week, and all that's happened is me desperately wishing I weren't trans. Part of this comes from interacting with all of my friends without deeply hating myself, it's a wonderful sensation, even if I'm not out to anyone yet. There's also the fact that I'm desperately afraid of doctors, and I really don't like the fact that transitioning would involve tying myself to a pharmacy for the rest of my life. Ill start to think "I don't want to transition" which has an easy answer, I won't. However the thought of not transitioning also makes me feel bad. I really wish I didn't have to deal with this.

[Dena]

Welcome to the I hate doctors club. I started hating them around age 4 and surgeries keep getting harder for me to face but there are ways to reduce the fear of surgery if you explain it to your doctors in advance. If you are interested, let me know and I will explain it more. As for the pharmacy, we are tied to it somehow. I would be blind, dead or very sick if it weren't for a few of the magic compounds I have received over the the years. They have turned what would have been serious problems into a short term problem and have greatly improved the quality of my life. If you have ever received a medication from the pharmacy, you may already owe your life to modern medicine.

For me, popping a pill every day isn't a big deal to solve a major problem in my life. I have faced far to many problems that took far more effort to solve. You are still early in treatment and it gets better as time goes on.

[Qrachel]

Dear Ana:

Well, welcome to the tides of transitioning - it ebbs and flows and that drove me crazy for a while, quite a while.  Once on HRT these back and forth episodes subsided, and it was generally a moving forward thing from day to day.

I think it's normal for this to occur, but I also wished it would stop when it was occurring.  One of the therapeutic baseline measures for a therapist to assess your condition, trajectory and help you move on with your life is the first few months on hormones.  I know several folks who started and within 6-12 weeks knew for certain it wasn't for them.

This isn't an advert for HRT but just part of letting you know you are experiencing things so many have and are experiencing.

Take care,

Rachel