Hey jamie. I'm feeling 100% about the same as you right now.
You listen to all of the stories from other trans woman, they all seem to tell the same kind of story. They were young, or knew they were trans at a very early age. They secretly cross dressed and did all of the same kind of crap. Than it's people like you and me, thinking well I didn't know at an early age and I still don't know right now. Trust me I thinking the same thing right now as I type this. I enjoy wearing both types of clothes, I like hanging with both sides of the genders, some of my first thoughts about transitioning were definitely for the sexual part, etc. Now I'm in a constant state of mind of wanting to be trans than 2 seconds later thinking, "no, I Shouldn't do this. There's too much at stake" than back to wanting to be trans. It's honestly starting to scare me and its freaking me out. It'd be the biggest decision on my life. I know that means you're kind of on my same wavelength which is nice. Tells me that we need to be friends.
As for the therapist part, do it. It's gonna cost some money, but it's worth it. You might even get lucky and have a great insurance company cover most of the costs. I wasn't as lucky because apparently my dad's work has a crummy insurance plan. That being said, it does work. I told me therapist a lot about me, my life, my friends, my family, and my job. Though I was afraid to truly speak my mind on some things. just so hard to muster out words that you're thinking about 247. Probably should have. oh well. It's a simple method of getting whatever is on your chest and out, without any fear of it being used against you. That's what I enjoyed most about my sessions. I would get so nervous and scared that I might screw up and say the wrong thing to my therapist, but after a few minutes of talk, the butterfly's would just go away. It was like a pain reliever to me. Now my therapist wasn't specifically trained in gender identity problems such as mine, but understood the gist of it when I talked to him about things. told me had dealt with a few gay people in the past. I would suggest making sure that you find a therapist who's either a specialist in gender related or one that's open to hearing whatever. it'll make the difference.
lastly the clothes does help a lot. The first time I cross dressed, it felt so magical and wonderful. but the next time just didn't quite get me back to that same high from previous, kind of like a drug right. This changes and fluxes for me as some pieces of woman's clothing make me feel wonderful like the first time, where as others make me go ehh. For me personally I wear panties all the time now. This is one way to make me feel a little bit better about myself in public. not to mention I have a semi small package, and it helps with the thigh issues.
Hope I was able to connect some of your issues to mine and that you found some advice to be useful.
