Gender expression stress.

[Sybil]

I often find myself lost in introspection about the finer details of my gender presentation. Should I adjust something about myself to better accommodate a reasonably feminine image, or should I stay true to my existing character?


I think it would take ages to explain effectively, so here is an example:

My speech is a bit ornamented at times. I find myself utilizing words in conversation that are not always common or elementary (plain?) -- to the point that I receive commentary from strangers. I often make an effort to "tone it down" because I both don't want to come off as arrogant and additionally worry about how it reflects on my femininity.

This frustrates me. I know that I think these things because women are encouraged to be as simple and accessible as possible in conversation -- which I think is dreadful, but my revulsion leaves me feeling no less trapped. I am caught between the need to break awful norms and the need to be treated as any other woman would be. I don't want to put people on guard about how quirky my gender presentation is.


There are, certainly, many other bits like the above that I find myself toiling over. Is it okay to like video games -- is there a line of "how much" I like them that I shouldn't cross? Is it okay to have a disorganized space at home? Is it okay to regularly curse? Is it okay to value efficiency over predisposition in the workplace? So on and so forth.

I know that there are plenty of women who share in all of these character traits, and I take some small comfort in that. Unfortunately, I still feel compelled to place these attributes and habits of mine under inquiry. It's the fear of having my womanhood questioned.

It's been so many years of this back-and-forth for me. It's exhausting. By all means, I am already plenty feminine as an aggregate.

I wonder if I'll ever manage to get over this. That I realize how many of these questions are incredibly unfair to women (and by extension, myself) just magnifies my frustration.

[allisonsteph]

I have always found gamer girls to be really hot although I do not play video games at all. There is just something about the attitude and energy they give off that is very attractive.

[Deborah]

Yeah, I know one gamer girl who competes in Olympic style weightlifting at the national level and does math and statistics for living.  Ignore the stereotypes.


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[suzifrommd]

My speech is a bit ornamented at times. I find myself utilizing words in conversation that are not always common or elementary (plain?) -- to the point that I receive commentary from strangers. I often make an effort to "tone it down" because I both don't want to come off as arrogant and additionally worry about how it reflects on my femininity.

And then there are those who find women who don't hide their intelligence unspeakably hot. 

[Sybil]

I'm sorry for the late reply! Thank you all for the encouraging words.

My boyfriend admits to his initial attraction being based on "intellect, humor, and a unique-yet-girly persona." I see him as quite the prize, even objectively speaking, so it has done a lot for me in terms of this issue. (As an aside, I feel very awkward sharing a positive perspective on myself!)

I think my creating this topic was mostly a need to vent about my frustration with insecurities. If I find an insecurity to be based on a valid concern, I don't exhaust myself with justifying it -- I only work on a solution. Otherwise, if the insecurity is difficult to justify having, I become stuck in a loop of pushing the insecurity away and inviting it back. In other words, I felt the need to complain about how my thoughts persist even though I know how silly they are, rather than the thoughts themselves.

I hoped, too, that others would be able to relate and share; I think it would have been nice to look at the problem through another window.

[Ltl89]

I understand wanting to have your internal sense of self and gender identity be validated.  Personally I sometimes feel guilty for any aspect of myself that would be percieved as masculine as I hate being seen as male.  And as someone who hasn't fully socially transitioned,  I imagine this is even more of a difficult topic when you are actively trying to blend as your identified gender.  I don't have much advice and will likely struggle a lot with this once I begin the social transition, but I do understand the sentiment behind what you are saying.

However, if I separate myself from this, I would say the following below.  The reality is we all have different personalities and interests.  Even though we tend to overanalyze this stuff for blending purposes, there is no one way to express your gender.  Most people have a mixture of both masculine and feminjne traits but it doesn't take way from how their gender is percieved, in most cases.  If you are passing and feel comfortable with yourself, you shouldn't feel the need to alter anything about you.  And most likely the traits you worry about would never cause anyone to gender you as male.  I know I would never see someone as masculine for their vocabulary or the way they emphasize their words.  Most people would never read anything into that.  Anyway, that's just my hypocritical advice.

[Martine A.]

Be yourself. Don't submit to stereotypes. Do what feels good and right, which may not necessarily be what makes other feel good or what they deem right. My short version.

[sparrow]

It was this sort of thinking that convinced me to quit the gender binary.

I'm me.

[Valwen]

if it makes you feel better in both console play and PC gaming women outnumber men in who plays the most/longest. Though a lot of that is candy crush style facebook games, more and more its turning into serious AAA style major game releases. it is the cause of all the current blacklash against female gamers, we are more and more common and that threatens the male gamers who now face not only more competition but also the irrationally desperate fear of being beaten by a girl.

one girl shows up to play a game is seen by many insecure men as fun, exciting and novel. A group of women regularly playing games who dont fit into the mens sterotype of either the "incompetent but cute gamer girl", or the "girlfriend of one of the guys who plays to spend time with him" those women show and and prove they know the game and are real competition and it scares the guys who have been playing and see them as trying to ruin the game for him. Because as we all know, women dont have interests we just sit around giggling about cloths and thinking up ways to hurt men.

so short version "wear your gamer girl flag proud your part of the biggest growing gaming demographic.

[Emileeeee]

Just be yourself. Conforming to other peoples' expectations is what got us to the point of a transition in the first place, right? So why continue that trend. You can't please everybody, but you can make yourself happy.

I know lots of women, even married couples, that play video games together. We're not all that uncommon. I'm a hardcore gamer myself. Never be embarrassed to be yourself.