Femme FTM, recently out, need some help/a sanity check

[bobbobmalcom]

Hi! I've been a longtime lurker on this forum but this is my first time posting. I'm 25 and I go by the name Frankie (short for Franklin) and use he/him pronouns.

I came out to my parents, who are fairly liberal but isolated and in their 60s, about six months ago, and it's been, frankly, awful. They're totally fine with trans people, but they tell me that a) it doesn't make sense for me to be trans because I "seem so feminine", particularly in my demeanor, and b) I have Asperger's and was always an isolated, unhappy child, and didn't like myself, and they think that saying I'm trans is a way of dealing with that, rather than a thing in and of itself.

I certainly don't fit into the typical model of an FTM guy. I was always very quiet and reserved and shy, and I liked dolls and pretty dresses and reading and playing by myself. I remember thinking of myself as a boy- or at least not a girl- from a pretty early age, but never saying anything about it. I never talked about my feelings to my parents or anyone, but I always identified with boy characters in books and pretended to be a boy or a non-gendered being in my pretend games. When I got older, I started identifying with femme gay guys, and that was a pretty consistent theme- as a teenager, I thought of myself as a "gay man trapped in a woman's body". I always wanted to keep my hair short and I felt really uncomfortable when people used gendered terms to refer to me, like she/her or girl or whatever. In college I started experimenting with masculine gender presentation, and then had a pretty traumatic abusive relationship with a guy that left me strongly avoiding all things masculine for a while. Around the end of college I started experimenting again, and started talking to my trans friends about my gender feelings and feeling like I was a gay man in a woman's body. I started experimenting with masculine presentation again and it felt really right, and I did a bunch of reading and eventually concluded that I was trans. I came out to my parents and it sucked because they totally didn't think any of that made sense and didn't understand and I haven't been able to explain it to them.

I guess I really just need a sanity check- I'm trans, aren't I? Even if it wasn't obvious to my parents when I was a kid? I could also probably use some sympathy. One thing my mom said to me is that it feels like I'm rejecting everything I used to be, and that it would be easier on her if she just took down all the pictures of me around my parents' house. That hurt a lot and I feel awful that I'm making my parents sad about this.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. The way it works is you tell us what you are. From what you have said already, yes you are transgender. Because transgender covers many areas, I can't say where you would be comfortable. At this point you need a Gender Therapist to give you a better idea as to what would make you comfortable.

In my case, I am technical minded but that didn't determine if I was masculine or feminine. What determined it was being uncomfortable as a male and the desire to become a woman. CIS males can be cooks, fashion designers, nurses or many other jobs that once where the domain of women.

I have two things for you to look at. Youtube has a series called "the transition channel" that will ask you the same questions a therapist would ask and the other is our very own WIKI that has a topic on what being transgender is. Feel free to ask if you have additional questions.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

[Ms Grace]

Welcome to the forum, Frankie. We can't really tell you if you are trans - that is something you need to work through yourself, using a gender therapist will definitely help in that regard.

One of the most common things parents say when told their child is trans is "but they were never 'that' way"... sigh. They're not taking into account that even trans children learn pretty quickly what is "expected" of them because of their assigned gender and behave accordingly lest they face punishment or derision or worse.

[bobbobmalcom]

Thank you both! I feel very welcomed I did see a gender therapist for about four months earlier this year, before a job change caused me to move out-of-state. She told me pretty much the same thing, which is that I'm trans if I think I'm trans. Haha, I guess "am I trans" is sort of a stupid question to ask on a forum, huh? It's good to hear that other parents say "but they weren't that way" too, that's really reassuring.

[Kylo]

Although I'm technically bi, for everyday purposes I consider myself a gay (trans) dude because my preference in practice is pretty much only for men.

It does appear to confuse some people - even specialists - because most of the time they seem to think cases of transmen will result in a sexuality of liking women. Even in a lot of the literature and studies straight transmen seem to be the majority of the "cases" examined. However after interacting online for several years I know it's just as common to find gay transmen, bi or pan too, as it is to find straight ones. So relax, there are plenty of us out there.

It's a spectrum with people falling in all regions of it, I am not really like you in that my interests are not typically of the "feminine" persuasion, but even I have aspects of my personality that would make people raise eyebrows. I don't play with or collect dolls and BJDs, but I do make them and sculpt them to sell, for example. That's my job and obviously I have some kinda interest in them from an aesthetic angle or I'd never have ended up in that profession. I'd suggest not worry about whether you fit in one pidgeonhole or another in others' eyes. If you're trans, then you were born to break a few barriers.

[Tamika Olivia]

My parents took to the same front as your parents. Their initial reactions, while positive, quickly morphed into the same type of "concern trolling" that your parents are engaging in right now. They've gotten better, but at first they were certain this wasn't real, that they would have known or seen signs, that I was dealing with some other mental issues (they even tried to claim I was mildly autistic) and that I would regret it in time. You just have to stick to your guns and push through.

I can't tell you that you're trans, nobody, even a qualified gender therapist can make that call. They can just confirm your own assessment of yourself. You are defined by yourself, what you feel and think in the vaults of your mind, and the world gets to accept it, shut up and deal with it, or left behind. That includes your parents.

The stuff about your "feminine" interests is just so much fluff. Everyone, trans or cis, is a mixed bag of gendered interests. Straight cis women can drag race, gay trans men can collect dolls, straight cis guys can bake cookies and hang out at home, and trans women can play violent video games. The idea that trans people have to stick to and only to the stereotypical interests of their preferred gender is so much cissexist crap. Cis people aren't held to that standard, aren't asked to forsake their non-conforming interests in order to have their identity respected, and we ought not be either.

You're not in need of a sanity check, but your parents are in need of a denial check.

[bobbobmalcom]

Again, thank you all so much. This is really what I needed to hear today. I just want everything to be better right away, but it'll take time for my parents to come around. Sigh, I hate waiting. Other than the Giant Pink Trans Elephant in the room, though, our relationship is pretty great, so I guess that's good?

[Peep]

I got the same reactions as you - only up until i came out everyone used to joke about how much of a 'boy' I was, it was funny to them because I'm short and had large chest, looked like a girl but acted like a guy etc. Then when i say yeah i am male, suddenly I'm glinda the good witch and everything i do is super femme 

I don't spend too much time thinking about what i did as a child, because I'm an adult now, and so asking me if i want to be a boy to play football with the other wee boys isn't really relevant any more.