Pretty Much Fully Transitioned -- Still Can't Accept Myself

[almightymouse]

Hi Everyone,

I'm a 22-year-old trans girl, am very passable, and am close to being legally female -- but I still find myself facing so much difficulty in the pursuit of accepting myself.

It has been very difficult for me recently because, even though I'm unmistakably female, I feel like a man, even still, because of harsh criticism I received from my former family during my early, more vulnerable transition days. What it has resulted in is me feeling incapable of maintaining relationships with men in the way that I wish to.

To clarify, even though my boyfriend is quite masculine, because I feel like a fake female, I cannot stop visualizing cuddle sessions with him, for example, as being male-on-male instead of male-on-female... Because of this, I sometimes stop and begin crying because I feel so inadequate and invalidated as a true female. It doesn't stem from being non-passable, as I look like this:
http://trans-encounter.tumblr.com/image/136369773258

I've become genuinely convinced that it stems rather from feeling like a false version of a woman (and being called such by people who don't agree with my transition), and it stings incessantly, even now, as I'm laying with my boyfriend, who is asleep with his arm around me. Is there anything I can do to just rid of this hurt and accept that it's okay that I'm transgender?? :/

Thanks,
Ally

[Ms Grace]

People who are not trans are never really going to fully understand what it means to be trans. But since we live in a society largely made up of people comfortable with their assigned gender we are constantly bombarded with their attitudes and beliefs and prejudice against us, no wonder it is hard to accept ourself. Putting the opinions and attitudes of other people aside, what is the one thing you believe makes acceptance of yourself so hard for you? That is your starting point.

[Luna Star]

I don't pass at all by any stretch of imagination so it might be hard for me to place myself on your shoes, which doesn't mean I don't know what negative criticism can do to you especially from family members.

I'd say, to think about it for a bit. And try to place the comments somewhere in your mind where it doesn't bother you. It's true that people said nasty stuff but that's in the past. And like you said you pass perfectly and you look stunning now.
So try to leave things that are in the past in the past and see things for what they are. You're here now you got someone nice to live with you are finally in the body that you want and you're still young. Don't let those comments spoil this for you now it's just not worth it

[almightymouse]

People who are not trans are never really going to fully understand what it means to be trans. But since we live in a society largely made up of people comfortable with their assigned gender we are constantly bombarded with their attitudes and beliefs and prejudice against us, no wonder it is hard to accept ourself. Putting the opinions and attitudes of other people aside, what is the one thing you believe makes acceptance of yourself so hard for you? That is your starting point.

Grace,

Thanks so much. I agree wholeheartedly with what you've stated in respect to society's ignorance of what it must be like to cope with gender discomfort. The primary obstacle that has been impeding my acceptance as an authentic woman is simply that I had to wait so long to be able to live as such, and that's not even to say that I'm confident enough to live it in its fullest. Because I had to jump through so many hoops to appear passable, just as a typical female, I feel exhausted and upset that I had to undergo all of this. And, it's not even over yet. An additional obstacle is that I can't muster the courage to ever rectify my genitals, and because of this, I again feel so invalidated and "fake", I suppose.

It's as if I've been conditioned into believing all that what my former family and obnoxious, intrusive hometown has said about transgender people is worth placing credence into. And, not just credence, but a lot of credence. I can't break out of the stupid cage they seem to have forced me into, and apparently deservedly since I'm so taboo to most of society.

It's a problem of feeling like they're right, and since I'm not pursuing any of my dreams aside from transitioning (because so much energy was necessitated to even accomplish this much), that I'm wrong and inferior. I hope this makes sense; it's so hard to find a way out of it.

Sincerely,
Ally

[almightymouse]

I don't pass at all by any stretch of imagination so it might be hard for me to place myself on your shoes, which doesn't mean I don't know what negative criticism can do to you especially from family members.

I'd say, to think about it for a bit. And try to place the comments somewhere in your mind where it doesn't bother you. It's true that people said nasty stuff but that's in the past. And like you said you pass perfectly and you look stunning now.
So try to leave things that are in the past in the past and see things for what they are. You're here now you got someone nice to live with you are finally in the body that you want and you're still young. Don't let those comments spoil this for you now it's just not worth it

Your compliments mean so much to me; thanks so much. It would, in fact, be irrational to linger on these snide comments that have been imposed onto me given that I've managed to become passable and have (hopefully) a good life ahead of me. I'll keep this in mind, as I know especially that I sometimes take certain specifics of my situation for granted, and that becoming assimilated as a female who was designated male -- at age 22 -- isn't too bad.

I do oftentimes place the insults and invalidation in the back of my head, but it's whenever I engage in sex that they devastate me. I get flashbacks of being a pretty masculine male each time I make love, and sometimes, I can't even follow through. If I kiss a guy, I get this image of a guy kissing another guy, and this isn't okay for me because I don't identify as a male. On days in which I experience confidence issues because I don't look as feminine as I wish I could, it hurts even more. And, it's terrible because I don't judge other trans woman at all like I do myself; they can do whatever they wish, and they're clearly women. But, me -- because I've been targeted by myriad people who hate my guts for transitioning -- I'm a man in an intricate female costume, and this hurts so much...

Ally

[Sybil]

This may sound incredibly cynical and negative and I am very, very sorry if it does:

People, nearly as a whole, cannot reason. If someone has an issue with you, it's likely a symptom of the greater struggle that humanity simply cannot be logical about most things. People tend to act on what information they're given and cannot comprehend where it comes from. In other words, until society learns to accept us, people will more or less blindly reject us.

All that is important to a lot of people is to follow what trends make them the most acceptable, because acceptance is naturally associated with success. Transgender prejudice is really just an instrument of the times -- it will go away. I know that may not be a comfort, since it is still a problem now, but I do hope that you can find some peace in knowing that many people are sort of trained to be terrible to us. They don't really come to the conclusion that we're fake, all on their own, as some sort of deep, meaningful reflection. It's just knee-jerk stuff.

As for the boyfriend and boy-on-boy thing:

I won't lie. I some times fantasize about being flat-chested and having a penis (I don't think about the gender identity of it all, but I guess I picture myself as a typical "femboy") with my boyfriend. He would never go for that, and I honestly don't care for having a penis and am quite fond of my boobs, but what can I say? I think it's hot, and sexy-time brain is going to sexy-time brain. I blame all of those years of yaoi.

[almightymouse]

As for the boyfriend and boy-on-boy thing:

I won't lie. I some times fantasize about being flat-chested and having a penis (I don't think about the gender identity of it all, but I guess I picture myself as a typical "femboy") with my boyfriend. He would never go for that, and I honestly don't care for having a penis and am quite fond of my boobs, but what can I say? I think it's hot, and sexy-time brain is going to sexy-time brain. I blame all of those years of yaoi.

I, at one time, participated in Erotica; I'm well aware that the whole "boobs and a stick" thing appeals to "sexy-time" brains. And yeah, it can be pretty exotic, but I'm trying to cope with feeling like someone's fetish at best, as opposed to the genuine female I wish I could be. Thanks for the narrative, however.

Ally

[Sybil]

I, at one time, participated in Erotica; I'm well aware that the whole "boobs and a stick" thing appeals to "sexy-time" brains. And yeah, it can be pretty exotic, but I'm trying to cope with feeling like someone's fetish at best, as opposed to the genuine female I wish I could be. Thanks for the narrative, however.

Ally

I'm sorry, I'm not sure I completely understand? I was trying to share a like-feeling in such a way to say that it was "normal" to have out-of-identity thoughts and feelings. Also, fwiw, I said being flat-chested (as in a penis and no boobs; like a guy -- as in totally gay sex with my boyfriend).

I used to feel guilty about that fantasy and felt like it invalidated me as a woman somehow. That I was, as you said, really just some fetish come to life. Now I don't feel that way, because what I think about is just a fantasy. I have also pictured hand-holding and cuddling with my boyfriend as a man. I still do, some times, but at the end of the day, I am OK with it and have come to accept myself as a woman.

Really, I was just trying to share that your feelings sounded very familiar to me, and while it took time, I managed to be okay with them. I was hoping to share a comforting anecdote. I was not trying to say that I get turned on by having "boobs and a stick" (which I didn't describe) or similar.

[almightymouse]

I'm sorry, I'm not sure I completely understand? I was trying to share a like-feeling in such a way to say that it was "normal" to have out-of-identity thoughts and feelings. Also, fwiw, I said being flat-chested (as in a penis and no boobs; like a guy -- as in totally gay sex with my boyfriend).

I used to feel guilty about that fantasy and felt like it invalidated me as a woman somehow. That I was, as you said, really just some fetish come to life. Now I don't feel that way, because what I think about is just a fantasy. I have also pictured hand-holding and cuddling with my boyfriend as a man. I still do, some times, but at the end of the day, I am OK with it and have come to accept myself as a woman.

Really, I was just trying to share that your feelings sounded very familiar to me, and while it took time, I managed to be okay with them. I was hoping to share a comforting anecdote. I was not trying to say that I get turned on by having "boobs and a stick" (which I didn't describe) or similar.

There was just a certain segment of your initial post that was a bit ambiguous, and thus, I was left having to ascertain whether you are a trans woman feeling invalidated for occasionally having femboy fantasies or a trans woman feeling invalidated for having fantasies of the nature that I referenced.

Whatever it was, you stated that it's kind of hot to you, and given the background I'm from (you don't even want to know), the best bet was that it was exactly what I mentioned. I was wrong, so I apologize. What you put forth makes sense now, and is so much better than my predilection that you were just contributing with some sexual fantasy, as I'm totally way too used to being the case.

Cordially,
Ally

[Sybil]

I can understand where you interpreted what I had said that way, as I did mention that my feelings were a turn-on. I'm sorry, that really was ambiguous; by saying so, I was trying to illustrate that I recognized it as a normal part of my imagination, and not as some invalidating quirk of my femaleness.

I can absolutely empathize with having fantasies thrown at me as a form of "relating," which has certainly discouraged me from talking about those feelings. I am so sorry to have given you that initial impression!

I do hope that you can come to terms with your conflict. From everything you have written, I don't think that your feelings necessarily make you "fake." They certainly seem to me like something that women are capable of thinking.

[RachelsMantra]

This is fairly normal I think. You grew up in a transphobic society so it's not surprising you have internalized that transphobia and in vulnerable moments you see yourself as a "man in costume", as you said. I don't know what to tell you in terms of overcoming internalized transphobia but you need to let your *intellect* do your ultimate thinking for you because in your intellect you know deep down you are truly a woman because all those transphobic TERF arguments are BS.

[Carrie Liz]

Tell yourself that you are. Over and over and over again, no matter how hard it is, tell yourself that you deserve to be the person that you know you are.

I've dealt with these same feelings and fears, and this is what my therapist says, is just keep giving yourself positive self-affirmations. It may be hard, it may feel completely stupid and pointless, and it takes a LONG time to erase the negative self-talk of "I don't deserve to be seen and loved as the person that I want to be," but just keep going. And after months and months and months of telling yourself that you DO deserve to be seen and look like these things, trying to focus on the positives and the validations in your life, slowly it will start to sink in and slowly you'll make progress in discrediting yourself a bit less.

And that feeling of "I don't deserve it" or "I'm a fake" are quite common, so don't fret.

[suzifrommd]

Ally, I've been full time for two and a half years, and gotten SRS, and I still don't feel like a woman "inside". I've talked to my gender therapist who says that many trans people experience transition that way. The important thing is that you're living the way you want to live.

Of course it's OK to be trans. We were born that way. What are we supposed to do about it?

[Tessa James]

I think that being raised "as a boy" and living "as a man" can leave a lot of old useless tapes for us to shred.  I think you are fortunate to be relatively young with a long future ahead living as the girl you really are.  I used to cry about feeling like a fake man.

Part of my transition has been to acknowledge and accept my significantly longer history of living "as a man."  That is my truth and no amount of wishes, drugs or surgery really alter that history.

We do chart our own course forward and living fully integrated as a transgender woman obviously takes some time.  I trust that each day of reinforcement for you will build your self confidence and self acceptance.

[almightymouse]

Tell yourself that you are. Over and over and over again, no matter how hard it is, tell yourself that you deserve to be the person that you know you are.

I've dealt with these same feelings and fears, and this is what my therapist says, is just keep giving yourself positive self-affirmations. It may be hard, it may feel completely stupid and pointless, and it takes a LONG time to erase the negative self-talk of "I don't deserve to be seen and loved as the person that I want to be," but just keep going. And after months and months and months of telling yourself that you DO deserve to be seen and look like these things, trying to focus on the positives and the validations in your life, slowly it will start to sink in and slowly you'll make progress in discrediting yourself a bit less.

And that feeling of "I don't deserve it" or "I'm a fake" are quite common, so don't fret.

This was such good advice; I definitely will keep this in mind. And, for me, it is in fact a matter of feeling like I don't deserve to be a female, so again,this is such good advice. Thank you.

[almightymouse]

Part of my transition has been to acknowledge and accept my significantly longer history of living "as a man."  That is my truth and no amount of wishes, drugs or surgery really alter that history.

I can relate to this, and it's part of what eats away at me regardless of how beautiful I may become. :/ What is even worse is whenever I'm forced to acknowledge my past, such as whenever I see old photos of myself, or whenever someone is rude enough to remind me that I was so attractive as a male. I intend to work past it...

Ally

[almightymouse]

Ally, I've been full time for two and a half years, and gotten SRS, and I still don't feel like a woman "inside". I've talked to my gender therapist who says that many trans people experience transition that way. The important thing is that you're living the way you want to live.

Of course it's OK to be trans. We were born that way. What are we supposed to do about it?

This is so terrible; I'm sorry you're experiencing this. I've been full-time for 8 months, and I've made minimal progress in the pursuit of acknowledging that I'm indeed a female. Rather, I sometimes feel like a pretender. What did help,though, was developing my voice to such a degree that it can't be mistaken as a male voice, so I guess validation from others helps a lot. Unfortunately, my circle is so small because I have been rendered into restarting pretty much every facet of my life.

And, as to what to do about it, you're right -- there's nothing, except to transition. I shouldn't hate myself for that, and I really don't, but I do feel less like the real thing, especially whenever men flock at me until hearing from someone that I'm trans, etc... I guess society shouldn't dictate my the metric by which I judge myself, however.

Thanks a lot for the sentiment.
Ally

[almightymouse]

This is fairly normal I think. You grew up in a transphobic society so it's not surprising you have internalized that transphobia and in vulnerable moments you see yourself as a "man in costume", as you said. I don't know what to tell you in terms of overcoming internalized transphobia but you need to let your *intellect* do your ultimate thinking for you because in your intellect you know deep down you are truly a woman because all those transphobic TERF arguments are BS.

You're right that I'm experiencing internalized tranaphobia, but at least it's directed only towards myself. Also, yes, intellect and rationalization are what will get me out of this, and since you've mentioned it, it has helped me a lot.in the past.

For example, since I've faced so much difficulty in accepting myself as a genuine woman, I've tried to imagine whether or not I ever accepted myself as a true man; the answer is undeniably a "no". In fact, this is the rationale.behind why I transitioned -- that I didn't fit into my gender role at all, and also that attempting to do so stressed me out so much. At worst, I guess my personality is outside of Tue binary (as most.people's probably are), and thus, I'd have to decide between the two genders, making it not all that irrational that I have decided to live as a female.

Thanks for reminding me of this.
Ally

[almightymouse]

I can understand where you interpreted what I had said that way, as I did mention that my feelings were a turn-on. I'm sorry, that really was ambiguous; by saying so, I was trying to illustrate that I recognized it as a normal part of my imagination, and not as some invalidating quirk of my femaleness.

I can absolutely empathize with having fantasies thrown at me as a form of "relating," which has certainly discouraged me from talking about those feelings. I am so sorry to have given you that initial impression!

I do hope that you can come to terms with your conflict. From everything you have written, I don't think that your feelings necessarily make you "fake." They certainly seem to me like something that women are capable of thinking.

Your last sentiment alone helps so much; yes, I'm sure that borne-females do wrestle with the idea of whether or not they meet society's standards of what exactly a female is per se. I guess that's the basis as to why so many cis women (just like trans women) are working adamantly to perfect their fashion and beauty sense, as this validates their womanhood in a sense. That helped a lot to read.

And, I understand the nature of your initial post perfectly now; no worries.

Cordially,
Ally

[Miyuki]

It can really be a trap trying to compare yourself to "real" women. There are always going to be some differences between us and cisgendered women. We will never know exactly what it feels like to be born with a female body and live in a female gender role from the day we are born like cisgendered women do. Considering that, it's easy to find yourself feeling fake or inferior. But you know, even if you are different, different isn't necessarily a bad thing. We have a very unique experience that gives us a unique perspective that cisgendered people don't have. We see the world from both sides, and this gives us an understanding and a capacity for empathy in certain areas that cisgendered people lack.

What you need to remember above anything else, is that you are not pretending. You are being yourself, and transition is just a way to make who you are more compatible with your body. For that matter, cisgendered women are not all the same, and there is a world of difference between what different women experience in their lives. How can you compare yourself to such a moving target? All you can really know is who you are, and how you want the rest of the world to see you, and there is nothing fake about that.