Can I just rip my heart out!

[Amoré]

I went to get my antidepressants this morning and found out my wife took me of her medical aid. How can you be so spitefull and heartless is a couple of bucks in your pocket worth more than someones life?

I am so hurt by this.

I stood standing in a queue and the woman tells me sorry you haven't got medical aid you have to pay cash for your pills. This is my antidepressants for god sake!!!!! I need them!!!!!

I can't believe what this relationship has come too that someone can stoop so low this is beyond low in my eyes. I stood there shocked and did not know what to say.

I confronted her and she sayd I am not her responsibility anymore I must start looking after myself but I am unemployed. I told her now I am so fed up with her ->-bleeped-<- because she is creating unnecessary drama and fights with her spitefull behaviour and emotional abusive crap.

I wish I can just rip my heart out so that I feel nothing no more for her!

She is telling me when she did not want me to become a woman I became one well I started hormones. She actually backed me in it and is denying everything now. Now that I want to stay I man I must go <not allowed> myself she told me.

I just want to rip my own heart out so I just don't feel anything when I started crying she told me how weak I am and that I must go and piss at another place the same old story.

I told her here I am standing I am giving everything I am trying I am trying my best and what do I get a <not allowed> you. She said she can see that I am trying but I am not going to fix it in two days well we are at 3 weeks actually.

I am heart broken again. She acused me of in a couple of months I am going to lose control and the female in me is going to take over. I asked her so you are sying I must transition she told me now I must not I told her but you are telling me I am skrewed now you want to tell me I am going to lose to her and then when I tell you well then I will transition you tell me it is wrong!

I am just venting I don't know where else to speak

[BlonT]

As you take hormones it looks like you want to transform and take the steps for it.
If your partner is opposed then its hard on you but you already decided to transform.
Perhaps become jealous because you look  good, because she was first in favour of it.
Keep talking and find out why she chanced her mind.
Venting is good to get your mind away of the problem and clear the air, long as its not one sided hate talk,in which case one of our excellent moderators will admonish you.
Good luck  BlonT 

[suzifrommd]

I am heart broken again.

Amore, this relationship is destroying you. The sooner you realize this and stop trying to cling to it and start instead trying to heal, the sooner this misery will end.

You need to protect yourself from her, divest all dependence on her and think of her as an enemy, not a partner.

Sorry for being blunt, but I would be doing you a disservice if I didn't speak the truth.

[Amoré]

Amore, this relationship is destroying you. The sooner you realize this and stop trying to cling to it and start instead trying to heal, the sooner this misery will end.

You need to protect yourself from her, divest all dependence on her and think of her as an enemy, not a partner.

Sorry for being blunt, but I would be doing you a disservice if I didn't speak the truth.

I realised making my heart open to this person she climbs in there with a sledge hammer and start doing her thing. I appreciate you honesty and she also keeps on telling me she must protect her and my child. I am not abusive I am carrying this person on my hands just to end up being unworthy of her in the end. I am an educated human I am studying computer science part time I realised for some reason trans people is very intelligent. I don't want to mention my IQ here but my EQ is screwed up. It is low so my IQ is rated as genius and EQ as dumb dumb it looks like. I just never learned to handle situations like this in my life and I don't want to be enemies with her because I love her so bitterly much.

Is she taking advantage of mu love I think so. I am sitting here and thinking if she don't care about me why must I really care about her anymore running begging giving her control over my life. I know this will hurt me and it will take a while to heal but I am considering filing for divorce. If I could I would have saved my marriage but when do you draw the line no matter how hard. I am at that point where I know divorcing her will absolutely destroy me but I will heal and I will hopefully walk out of this thing knowing that I did what I could. If I don't divorce I am afraid she is going to hold me in the clutches of her power trip or whatever she is gaining and drag me along. She wants to divorce but nothing is happening so is it up to me to say it is done.

I can be free then and I can be who I want to be. I will not get ripped of again by leaving hrt for a "marriage". I am giving her everything she wanted from me and now that she have it in front of her she still is screaming divorce. 

[AnonyMs]

It sounds like you've fallen in love with an imaginary person who's only ever existed in you mind. Would you really have fallen in love with this women as she's revealed herself to be? Is it her you love or the memory?

Children are a totally different matter. I was given some excellent advice by a therapist when I really needed it. I think its been said before, but the problems caused living like this, by not transitioning, can mean that its better for your children to break up. Its a hard truth, but sometime you just run out of good options and have to make the best of it.

[Amoré]

It sounds like you've fallen in love with an imaginary person who's only ever existed in you mind. Would you really have fallen in love with this women as she's revealed herself to be? Is it her you love or the memory?

Children are a totally different matter. I was given some excellent advice by a therapist when I really needed it. I think its been said before, but the problems caused living like this, by not transitioning, can mean that its better for your children to break up. Its a hard truth, but sometime you just run out of good options and have to make the best of it.

I feel at this stage if I have fallen in love with an imaginary person. This person that she have become is not the woman I know. You are maybe right I love the memory the fun times being in love with her and remembering what it was like. The laughter my child being born.  It is the memories that I am in love with and I am trying to see those things in the person that she had become I don't want to say any more bad things about her but this is not the woman I love I have hopes that she is somewhere in there.

I am running out of good options very fast I have been going round and round for 5 months now playing a game of cat and mouse and when I say I am done I am going to transition because she is also telling me what if Amoray returns am I going to want to be a woman again.I have been on and of hormones and been manipulated to go of them each time. I told her what do you mean with that? She turns around and plays another game to get me to leave it. The thing is I know I am transgender and I know what I want in which situation. If it was not that I was married I would have been a woman by now. That is the hard truth but having a family and being so bad at doing things for myself it makes it sort of difficult to say, O well nice knowing you enjoy your life hope you all of the best for you.

I just want to give her what she want and wanted it is a little late but she can't see that I had my own stuff to work through before I could be the best for them. Now I am sitting in a situation where she is treating me like a child and telling me she is going to go and drop me by my mother like some sort of child that I must get a fright and be look oops not my mommy. Just because I confronted her about taking me of the medical aid.

Looks like the only way is by jumping the ship and kick starting the process from my side even if it hurts like hell. Because this is emotional abuse. You don't play games like this! I would never done the same to her even after all the things that she does to me I still want to fix this thing and I don't even know why anymore.

[AnonyMs]

I think you should consider what will happen to your child if you stay with her. You can't stop being transgender, and it doesn't sound like she's going to give it up either. At best you could live in peace and pretend for the sake of your child, but whats the chance of that?

[Amoré]

I think you should consider what will happen to your child if you stay with her. You can't stop being transgender, and it doesn't sound like she's going to give it up either. At best you could live in peace and pretend for the sake of your child, but whats the chance of that?

You have a good point. My wife have got this new tendency if I tell her well I am staying a man she laughs it of very reassuring for me. I will tell her that I am managing my gd she is not even a trigger for gd to kick in really I am so used to her. Her dressing ways is so not my style. The problem is she looks if she is enjoying bashing me at this stage.

Then she is telling me well it takes time she can't just forget what I have done. Well she feels I betrayed her and lied to her because I did not tell her that I have gender dysphoria before we got married. We were married two years and then I told her. I did not concede to her demand when she asked me to stay a man I started transitioning. Only because she came out as bisexual and went to my psychiatrist and told her she is fine with living and being with a woman I can continue with the treatment. Now I am getting bashed and is my fault and only my fault. A month later and we were also trying for another child she had a change of heart and decided she can not be with a woman anymore.She wanted a divorce. I decided to commit suicide after this and drove my car into a wall. I survived and was put into rehab. There they try to force me to accept myself as transgender and I told them it is not accepting myself as transgender that is my problem I just want to fix my family. Well I went home had too sleep in another bed from then and she became distant and drove a wedge between us. Telling me I am not the man she married and she would never be able to look at me in the same way again.

My therapist told me I should continue my hormones I did try to continue them and tried very hard to move on and be myself forget about being married and saving it and trying to make her happy and all the usual therapist stuff. Well I decided I want to stop hormones and try and save it. We tried again after two weeks I sort of lost my mind dysphoria was banging at my front door and she went out the back. I was not planning on transitioning it was just the hormone imbalance was getting at me. When she walked out I started hormones again swore I wont stop this time and I got hope from don't know where that if I stay a man abide by every wish I could get her back. Why do we sometimes want to stay in a relationship like this. Am I denying myself who I truly am? Am I denying her happiness also?

Am I selfish for wanting to fix this marriage and trying to do it from only one side?

[Eva Marie]

Amore, this relationship is destroying you. The sooner you realize this and stop trying to cling to it and start instead trying to heal, the sooner this misery will end.

You need to protect yourself from her, divest all dependence on her and think of her as an enemy, not a partner.

Sorry for being blunt, but I would be doing you a disservice if I didn't speak the truth.

I agree with Suzi - your wife is manipulating you to exact a penalty from you - and it's not going to get better. The relationship is entirely one-sided at this point with you doing all the giving and her doing all the taking. The relationship that you are remembering has passed, and a new one has taken it's place. She has shown that she will never, ever come around to seeing things your way.

The best thing you can do at this point is to take care of yourself - start looking toward the future and begin making plans to move yourself out of a broken, toxic relationship.

Continuing to invest in past memories is not going to yield better results at this point. Doing so will only lead to more disagreements and fighting and ugliness.

And like Suzi I hate to be blunt but I think that speaking the truth is very important now.

[Deborah]

She has already divorced you in her mind.  Taking you off the medical aid proves that.  All you will do by staying is prolong your pain.


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[AnonyMs]

I'd guess at this point you can't go without HRT in the long term. Its just a question of time and how much suffering you can take, and how much you want your family to share. You know it tends to get worse as you get older?

Personally I'd do anything for my children, I value them more than my life; but I eventually realized not transitioning at all isn't possible. I'm not capable of it. Its like having cancer and saying think happy thoughts to make it go away.

As my therapist pointed out, being mentally dysfunctional around your family is harming the children, being in a dysfunctional relationship is harming the children, dying is harming the children. By far the least harmful thing is either making up or separation.

If you're wife's not capable of making up then your options are limited. She's an adult and can make her choices, but you have a responsibility to your child.

[Amoré]

I'd guess at this point you can't go without HRT in the long term. Its just a question of time and how much suffering you can take, and how much you want your family to share. You know it tends to get worse as you get older?

At this stage I can't go long without HRT! When the pressure is mounting up and she drops the bomb that breaks the little I can stay a man that I builded up it is as if my brain is defaulting to see you are not a man you can't even make this work or fix this. She don't want you because you are no man. It is playing this tricks on me.

So if she is telling me she is going to divorce me I am defaulting to becoming a woman and find freedom in that it will also make coming over this marriage a lot easier as she is not attracted to woman and this will sort of just let me drop all hope that if I stay a man I won't sit disappointed in the end of the day because I was not good enough for her.

A thing that really upsets me that she is saying I must fix myself for my next wife and before I get into a relationship. Who is she to judge when and what is fixed? Can I fix dysphoria nope, what must I fix if I have to fix something I will fix my body to match my brain and become a woman This is what I will fix for my next partner so that he/she loves me for who I am inside and out and see the real me. The only person in this world I am willing to stay a man for is her but I am seriously taking stock of this relationship and think there is maybe a better world out there for me as a woman and the real me.

[Deborah]

To be really blunt, she's not worth the trouble anymore.  She isn't forgiving you and without forgiveness no marriage will work.

In the past when my wife discovered my CD she reacted much the same as yours and said many of the same things.  However, she got over it after a few days. 

Your wife's anger is perhaps understandable but her inability to forgive is not.  You can't live healthily with that and if she is unwilling to change I can't see that you have any option other than to remove yourself from her influence.

That hurts, but it will probably hurt a lot less in the long run than it will to stay as things are now.  If you leave you can begin healing slowly.  If you stay then the wound remains raw and open and never heals.  She is the one that is forcing this choice so walk away without guilt and without a look back.


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[Kylo]

Sounds like she is doing everything she can to get you to leave short of telling you to.

[Amoré]

To be really blunt, she's not worth the trouble anymore.  She isn't forgiving you and without forgiveness no marriage will work.

In the past when my wife discovered my CD she reacted much the same as yours and said many of the same things.  However, she got over it after a few days. 

Your wife's anger is perhaps understandable but her inability to forgive is not.  You can't live healthily with that and if she is unwilling to change I can't see that you have any option other than to remove yourself from her influence.

That hurts, but it will probably hurt a lot less in the long run than it will to stay as things are now.  If you leave you can begin healing slowly.  If you stay then the wound remains raw and open and never heals.  She is the one that is forcing this choice so walk away without guilt and without a look back.


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Thank you for the insight.The last part she is forcing this on me is actually true. I stood now before her wheeping while she is blaming me for everything that is wrong in her life. My business going bankrupt and all. I told her now at least I will walk away knowing and in peace that I at least knew I tried. She is making me feel guilty for the divorce blaming that she is divorcing me but how is it my fault actually? This is her choice not a forced choice she is forcing it on me but making me feel guilty and blaming me that I could have controlled it if I did not do the list of things she mentioned.


She has a inability to forgive what I can see. She is telling me she can't forget I told her that it is the past you don't forget you father if he dies because it hurts you because he is not with you anymore.

Well I have a partner that is not willing to negotiate anymore she is not capable of forgiving. She is emotionally abusing me. She is manipulating me also and I can't seem to get any traction. I just feel sorry for my child I feel like a failure towards her because I can't fix my marriage. My wife told me now I must go and fix myself for someone else I don't know what to fix except that I need a job hopefully one of my two jobs pull through this january and that I need to fix I don't really know what?

Then her newest bashing trick is she can't take it being with someone unhappy well and bashing me I must pull my face right well ummmm I am not really very happy at this stage

[JoanneB]

She has already divorced you in her mind.  Taking you off the medical aid proves that.  All you will do by staying is prolong your pain.


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I'd go one step further with this new escalation. Not just divorced, but is killing you off.

Surely she knows of the depression and your meds for them. To drop you from her insurance without any advance warning so you can make other arrangements to get them? Likely done during these past few months of turmoil when she decided to write off the marriage because "You aren't a Real Man". Like a cat with a mouse she keeps on playing you, torturing you.

Now, like that cat, going in for the kill 

[Amoré]

I'd go one step further with this new escalation. Not just divorced, but is killing you off.

Surely she knows of the depression and your meds for them. To drop you from her insurance without any advance warning so you can make other arrangements to get them? Likely done during these past few months of turmoil when she decided to write off the marriage because "You aren't a Real Man". Like a cat with a mouse she keeps on playing you, torturing you.

Now, like that cat, going in for the kill 

If I tell her you are telling me I am not a "real man" then I must transition. She is coming with another story. I can feel the torturing getting to me now and I am on the verge of just collapsing and telling her kill me and get it done with.If I stay a man she is very happy with it but she still don't want me. I don't understand how she is saying she haven't got a choice.She is telling me the body can just take so much then it is starting to protect itself so she must divorce me. I sat and told her honey then I would have been a woman a long time ago! It is expected of me to be in control of my dysphoria stay a man and be happy. I have depression I have to control it but you say you can not control divorcing me what a load of crap

[Deborah]

Maybe she wants that to collect your insurance.  DO NOT GIVE HER THAT SATISFACTION.


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[JoanneB]

If I tell her you are telling me I am not a "real man" then I must transition. She is coming with another story. I can feel the torturing getting to me now and I am on the verge of just collapsing and telling her kill me and get it done with.

Having been there twice before with a heart shredded as if it was put into a food processor and crying gallons of tears and wishing to either be killed off to end the pain or never having been born because I am a destroyer of the lives of the people I love the most; I think it is a lot more like "You aren't a real man (and I don't give a rat's ass what you do or say from now on since I am outta here)" Some SO's eventually back into that position, others instantly go there. The deck is stacked against a relationship. I've seen it happen recently to support group members several times now these past six years.

There are no do-overs after dropping the T-Bomb. The T-Bomb becomes a nuclear explosion death zone when you mix it with Estrogen. "A Phase", perceptions, fears, and suspicions become cold hard realities. My wife, some 6 years later, still harbors feelings of betrayal from my coming out. For over 30 years she saw me as "Just a CD", as did myself (kinda). But the realities of me attending a TG Support group and getting therapy brought things to a whole new level. Especially when my group consisted of pretty much only transitioning MTF's.

[Amoré]

Having been there twice before with a heart shredded as if it was put into a food processor and crying gallons of tears and wishing to either be killed off to end the pain or never having been born because I am a destroyer of the lives of the people I love the most; I think it is a lot more like "You aren't a real man (and I don't give a rat's ass what you do or say from now on since I am outta here)" Some SO's eventually back into that position, others instantly go there. The deck is stacked against a relationship. I've seen it happen recently to support group members several times now these past six years.

There are no do-overs after dropping the T-Bomb. The T-Bomb becomes a nuclear explosion death zone when you mix it with Estrogen. "A Phase", perceptions, fears, and suspicions become cold hard realities. My wife, some 6 years later, still harbors feelings of betrayal from my coming out. For over 30 years she saw me as "Just a CD", as did myself (kinda). But the realities of me attending a TG Support group and getting therapy brought things to a whole new level. Especially when my group consisted of pretty much only transitioning MTF's.

Thank you Joanne I am sitting and thinking of trading this marriage for my happiness because it is not making me happy it is bringing me to tears each day. It brings up my depression so high that I cannot function. I realised there is no do overs once she got her perception it is hard to change I can be as manly as I want try and do the usual stuff I used to do and she always finds a way to break that down. I am sitting here sobbing again at this stage I don't know anymore I hope I will get to be happy again but I am so miserable really at this stage I can't explain it really.

I feel like tearing this male clothes that I have of my body put on my real clothes and go to her and ask her am I woman enough. Because if I am not worthy of being a man I am hopefully worthy enough to be a woman?

Do I trade in this stupid idea now of this marriage thing for waking up and living full time as me from tomorrow I know she does not like me as a woman and she does not want to me as a woman so if I become a woman I am showing her the finger. Plus she is jealous of me as a woman for some reason also. I always seen this as my way to move on if she divorce me one day well it is here and I don't know if I must take it or chuck it.

This is maybe something I can look at

"You can't get to that better place if you won't let go of where you are. I know it's scary. I know it may not be what you want. But, if you trust the Universe, and you dare to go where it takes you, you may just find that the life you have in the end exceeds your wildest dreams."