Xmas and New Year thoughts...

[katrinaw]

Back in early October I finally came out to my wife of over 40 years of marriage.

Currently we are stuck in a sort of no-mans land....
Me biting at the bit to move forward, but also constraining myself through being very conscious of my wife's feelings....
The Christmas and New Year period has been very hard and certainly an inner soul searching time...
Whilst my youngest Daughter and I get on reasonably well, although a lot of rules, my Eldest daughter cold shouldered me in family get togethers (in male mode at this time). I had a lot of time to reflect and discovered in myself that whilst I thought I was very strong, seeing my wife shattered and family feeling the pain I am thinking over the choices I made in opening up... but its done now. Basically we did not celebrate much over the period.

In many discussions with my wife over the last few weeks, I have discovered the following key points
1) She hates what I have done to her (I hear her crying most nights) This bit hurts the most!!
2) She does not want to be alone (live alone and especially alone in the family home, family all moved out now!)
3) She does not want to see Katrina
4) She wants to control telling our friends (protection for when I go PT/FT)
5) My boobs are overly confronting to her (kinda get that one)
6) She's OK with me wearing female undies and jeans... only!

a) For my part, I feel that I am now dragging out the inevitable outcome?
b) She knows I wont revert, I can't! Waited way too long and in and out of anguish...
c) We have discussed about us buying a new property away from the locality and renting out the family home... that means less awkwardness amongst neighbours and the like? We are in a long consideration cycle for that one....

Regarding point 3, I have said to her I often consider letting her accidently seeing me as Katy... but that would be too confronting at this stage... and point 6, I am a 34B and really need support now  so I am testing the water there too.

So here we are in a waiting game, a holding pattern... my frustration is high but somehow managing to control it.

My daughters do not want their kids to meet Katrina / Katy whilst they are young, although one granddaughter would think it was cool, I suspect... so for the time being I can only be male there... Also at work I still need to be in male mode for a few months more...

So Christmas and New Year has been rather flat

Myself I am fine, but treading on glass around the family... and also started facial Electro in November... so a bit of work needed there 

Just needed to share as I have been away from the forums rather a lot of late.... I do miss all here, but am sensitive to my family at the moment...

Katy xxx

[Ms Grace]

Hugs, Katy - I know it has been a very difficult time for you lately and I'm sorry to hear it remains stressful and frustrating.

[katrinaw]

Thanks xxx

Its true that it is getting to the point now, where I have to consider the anguish caused and the pain and drivers that I feel....

We actually have many common likes and dislikes, its just the being a woman bit.. get the little Britain treatment at times... 
I wish I could turn back the clocks and have been honest all those years ago, well at least 10 years ago!

But its what it is now... !

Katy 

[Mariah]

Katy, Hang in there. I know it is tough at this point be stuck in point between everywhere with no where really to go. It's not easy and I hope that your able to find some mutual ground with your wife and even your oldest daughter. So sorry to hear this remains stressful, frustrating and never ending for you at this point. I hope things get sorted soon for you. Hugs
Mariah

[Mariah]

10 years might help in some ways, but in many ways it might not. Her reaction may have been different 10 years earlier, but her instance to stop hormones or something along those lines might have been stronger too putting you in an even more awkward position. I wish I could say any one spot to tell an SO was any easier, but it isn't and how they react afterwords especially have you entered the relationship as the gender that they are seeking makes that even more difficult. Best of luck and I hope it all works at well. I know you will land on your feet at some point from this. Hugs
Mariah

Thanks xxx

Its true that it is getting to the point now, where I have to consider the anguish caused and the pain and drivers that I feel....

We actually have many common likes and dislikes, its just the being a woman bit.. get the little Britain treatment at times... 
I wish I could turn back the clocks and have been honest all those years ago, well at least 10 years ago!

But its what it is now... !

Katy 

[Jacqueline]

Katy,

I am so sorry for the flatness and pain felt all around. I hope you begin to find some light in this. I have been married 25 years and could certainly see the pain that can come from all this. I am in no place to give advice. Just warm thoughts and wishes.

Joanna

[Rachel]

get the little Britain treatment at times

I do not know what that means. I am assuming cold shoulder.

Kathy, I am so sorry this is happening. There is a new normal. Your wife and children see you differently now. I suspect as you experience being yourself more and more it feels good and your wife has limits. What will happen when you go over the limit? Can you limit how you progress in the future? I waited three years for my wife to accept me and she kept moving the line to being more restrictive. Things she agreed to she could no longer accept. I am way over the line now and we are divorcing. I wanted it to work and I do not see being myself as bad or negative. My wife and I want different things. I hope things work out for you.