How do you know for sure that you are trans?

[Jayne01]

Hi. I joined Susans some time ago but have just stayed away fearing the inevitable. That I also am trans. Well I take the term 'fearing' lightly for there is something inside me that desires it.

Hi carissajaye, (nice name by the way)

Reading what you wrote (^^^^ up there), made me realise that I might be in the same boat. I think there might also be something deep inside me that desires being trans. I think Deborah was the one who said that is the only explanation that would mean I'm not crazy or some kind of pervert. I'm starting to see that now.

I just can't shake this. I've had it since age 8. To make matters more confusing to me growing up, I am 99.9% prefer the company of women. I was married for 8.5 years, and with another 6 years with the same woman. She initiated a divorce with me couple years ago because I was too unstable for too long. I didn't know I was trans at the time. I thought maybe I was gay. If I continued living as a man nothing could be farther from the truth. I dated a year after my divorce, many women. Christian women I should add as I am Christian as well. Oh how I love the Trinity. I've done the binges and purges for so long. At 42 years I've come to accept the inevitable, but barely.

Sometimes my faith gives me pause with my present condition. But sisters I can't help it!!! I've read many replies on the site here and so often these very personal stories present a common narrative. We don't want it, but can't help it.

The past couple years I will admit I very much don't want my testes. Oh how I want them gone. They are useless to me. I suffer from impatience like so many others...

I tried HRT couple years ago but due to a life crisis I had to stop. But while I was on it I was feeling so good. Lower libido, no morning wood, and a feeling of empathy for others I hadn't felt before. Plus I could actually cry! I swear for me anyway testosterone prevents me from crying. I HATE IT! It doesn't feel natural. Even as I type all this, the reflection of my my polished fingernails in the laptop's screen remind me of my inner girl. I've been taking herbal hormones suppliments all year and they've had their effects on my chest with good results. I see a doctor in a couple weeks to restart HRT. Can't wait

I'm far from being strong... but I"m not weak either. I can't escape this and with help from my therapist (who is also Christian) we're working on this together.

I too prefer women. Specifically one woman, my wife. That does cause some confusion. Only because my wife is not a lesbian, but she does love me. So if I am trans, does that make me a lesbian and then what does that make my wife? Something she isn't? Very confusing! Maybe better to not try and solve everything at once.

J

[stephaniec]

I had no torture associated with the discovery that I am transgender, just a period of learning. It's an overly broad generalization that all transgender people hate being transgender.

Hugs, Devlyn

I like being trans it seems to be a part of my nature. I loved being a long haired radical Hippie Jesus freak too. I was confronted by my transgender nature at 4 years old and the relentless undertow of its nature which I believe erupted through the Hippie stage and on to infinity.

[Qrachel]

My dearest Jayne:

You've written much here and received a lot of great advice and comments.

In order to sort this out you are going to have to "DO" something.  It's not a thinking thing any more.  Once the doing begins to gel the other parts will fall into place.  Trying to think your way through this is just that, thinking - it's the action that matters. 

You are trans and you've indicated as much.  Sooo, start finding that new place on the spectrum that fits you.  (Hint: you'll have to begin living as such and you'll adjust as time goes on.)  I was like you until one night I couldn't stand the dissonance any longer and became rash.  I'm not suggesting you are that way; rather, thinking and thinking and thinking and not doing is fraught with lots of stuff - very little of any of it is good for you.

You started and stopped.  Start again and if you stop then quickly assess and start again.  You will quite likely arrive at the place you so want to be at if you do.  If you don't try, it's a certainty you'll never find that place or the peace you seek.

Take good care and enjoy the trip,

Rachel

[Adena]

I like being trans it seems to be a part of my nature. I loved being a long haired radical Hippie Jesus freak too. I was confronted by my transgender nature at 4 years old and the relentless undertow of its nature which I believe erupted through the Hippie stage and on to infinity.

You are a nonconformist after my own heart Stephanie.
Love,
Denali

PS - from your new avatar it looks like your transition has taken an interesting turn!

[Jayne01]

I wouldn't say it is only based a feeling. As I mentioned my therapist and many of the personal essay questions I found were helpful in guiding me to my self discovery. Now it's the occasional question of whether it's real(I have always questioned everything being real). But more commonly, when fighting against my trans nature, it has more to do with the great family and supportive wife not being enough to make me suffer through at this point. Once the genie is out, it's pretty tough to stuff it back and it doesn't all fit anymore(if it ever did). To continue flogging this metaphor, the bottle keeps showing up, rolling off shelves and the stopper keeps exploding. Maybe that is only for me.

I am sorry this is so hard for you. I think it is for us all at different points and ways. I hope it gets easier for you or you find ways to distract and cope.

With warmth,

Joanna

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The essay questions you mention, is that something available online? If so, would you happen to have a link?

It seems to me that I go through these cycles of acceptance and total non-acceptance. If I can find a way to get through the shame it seems a bit easier to be more accepting. But when I'm feeling all the shame the acceptance is impossible for me. It sounds so simple when I write it down like that. Not quite so simple in practice.

You're right about the genie. I don't think the genie would fit back into that tiny little bottle she came out of. (Genie is a girl right? I'm thinking the old tv show "I Dream of Jeanie")

J

[Jayne01]

My dearest Jayne:

You've written much here and received a lot great advice and comments.

In order to sort this out you are going to have to "DO" something.  It's not a thinking thing any more.  Once the doing begins to gel the other parts will fall into place.  Trying to think your way through this is just that, thinking - it's the action that matters. 

You are trans and you've indicated as much.  Sooo, start finding that new place on the spectrum that fits you.  (Hint: you'll have to begin living as such and you'll adjust as time goes on.)  I was like you until one night I couldn't stand the dissonance any longer and became rash.  I'm not suggesting you are that way; rather, thinking and thinking and thinking and not doing is fraught with lots of stuff - very little of any of it is good for you.

You started and stopped.  Start again and if you stop then quickly assess and start again.  You will quite likely arrive at the place you so want to be at if you do.  If you don't, it's a certainty you'll never find that place or the peace you seek.

Take good care and enjoy the trip,

Rachel

Hi Rachel,

To start "doing" something is a scary prospect. I have a history of starting many things only to find I had made the wrong decision and as a result I have a great big list of things started and never finished. Some things I have started I have regretted starting because they cost me a great deal of time and money (almost sent me bankrupt). All those things pale in comparison to how big a decision this is for me. This is the rest of my life! I am scared to death of making yet another bad decision!

But you are right in saying that if I don't do anything, then nothing will change from the current state.

J

[Asche]

My nature is that I walk, talk, act like a guy, but somewhere deep in my mind there is this feeling that I should have been born with a female body. If nothing in my life changed except for my body under my male clothes, that would be good. That to me seems like an incompatible mix. If I was born a girl, I would probably still wear guy clothes and probably act like a guy. Socially, I am a guy and am happy about that. Privately in my own world, it's my body that's the problem. Is that transgender, or something else?

Everyone's experience of being trans is different.  "trans" isn't a single well-defined condition, like a broken leg or something.  It's one word for a whole grab bag of conditions which have in common only that they don't fit what society expects of people with their assigned gender.  Some people experience mainly social dysphoria and don't have any body dysphoria.  You, on the other hand, apparently experience only body dysphoria.  And some people don't experience dysphoria at all, they just know they should have been the other sex.

This is why other people's experiences won't necessarily tell you what's going on with you.  There are no trail guides in this business, because each person's trail is different -- one person's is in a jungle, another in the Andes, a third person's is in the Everglades, and even if two people's trails are in the same park (or wherever), they have different trailheads and different destinations.

But, you know, that's really how life is for everyone.  You have to find the way that's right for you (which means you have to find out who you are, as opposed to the "you" that some self-help book or guru tries to persuade you you are), or you'll realize on your deathbed that you've wasted your life being a bad imitation of somebody else (real or imaginary.)

In response to your latest comment (posted while I was composing this one), sometimes the "wrong" decisions turn out to have been necessary steps towards the "right" path, a path you would never have found without all the "mistakes."  It doesn't make them less painful (if they were painful), but it does help you not see them as a waste of time and resources.

I'm an amateur musician, and one saying that has stuck with me is that every note is only one tone from a "right" one.  It's also true that much of any piece of music is a process of going from a "wrong" note to a "right" one, sometimes even (intentionally) wandering around "wrong" notes for quite a while before going to that "right" one.  (A piece that consists only of "right" notes is really boring!)  So there are actually no wrong notes, just steps on a musical journey.

[pyhxbp]

To start "doing" something is a scary prospect.

Fair enough ...

I have a history of starting many things only to find I had made the wrong decision and as a result I have a great big list of things started and never finished.

Well then, if transition is the wrong decision, stop it and add it to your collection. It is not a big deal. Transition is slow. Nothing seems to happen for months at a time - look at how many people on here post things along the lines of "Arghhh - this is taking FOREVER!!!!". If you take HRT you will not wake up with boobs next week or a falsetto voice by the end of the month. It takes YEARS, typically 3 to 5 years.

Generally speaking, because everyone is different, HRT effects the mind first and seems to bring relief. In a few individuals it seems to increase distress and generally they stop it without much in the way of effects and most effects reverse quite quickly when you stop HRT. Breast buds start after a couple of months but do not get visible for another few months and if HRT stops they shrink.

What I am saying is that you could try it and if it is wrong then you can stop without much in the way of effects.

Some things I have started I have regretted starting because they cost me a great deal of time and money (almost sent me bankrupt). All those things pale in comparison to how big a decision this is for me. This is the rest of my life! I am scared to death of making yet another bad decision!

Continuing to torture yourself is surely another bad decision as well?

You could do other things to see how you feel. You could grow your hair and nails (costs nothing, 10 minutes to "reverse" if you change your mind). You could get your beard lasered which is more pricey and cannot be reversed but the worst that would happen is that you would look younger and a bit baby-faced. You could gradually buy androgynous clothing and start wearing it publicly - I wore ladies' plain blouses pre-HRT for over a year and no one noticed.

All these things helped me feel better about myself and my transition at no or little cost (other than the laser) and almost all of them where reversible, but I soon found that it all felt right for me and so I continued to socially transition, then HRT, then GRS.

[Asche]

I understand what you are saying. But wouldn't you still be suffering even if you lived on a deserted island by yourself? I mean, isn't the mind/body mismatch something internal and personal to the individual separate from what society may think?

No, I wouldn't.  Now that I'm no longer beating myself up for not being who I'm supposedly supposed to be and in an environment which doesn't beat me up for it, I'm fine.  Seeing myself as trans gave me a way to frame in a positive way much of the stuff about myself that people claimed were defects -- I'm really not a pervert or degenerate or weirdo, I'm just trans.  Raising kids helped, too, because my kids had many of the same issues I had, so I could see that the (trans- and non-trans-related) problems I had weren't due to my moral turpitude but due to the adults around me having inappropriate expectations.

At this point, pretty much all of my remaining suffering is due to the damage done to me in the past.

I'd like to have a different body.  I'm in the process of medical transition because I'd like it.  But it doesn't torment me.  I mean, I'd like to be a prima ballerina or an influential musician like Pete Seeger, too, but it's not like I'm miserable because I'm not and never will be.

BUT:  That's me, not you.  My answers, our answers are not going to be right for you.  You're going to have to find your own answers.  (Bummer, isn't it?)

YMMV.

[Deborah]

FWIW, my dysphoria is primarily body centric too.  While there is some social dysphoria it is not nearly as bad.  This is probably due to the fact that I am not a social person to begin with, again like you.  This is not due to social ineptitude or shyness but rather just part of the package that makes up my personality.  I'm an introvert by nature and do not like social settings.


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[Serenation]

You don't have to have the same story as someone else.

[Dena]

Hi Dena,

As I mentioned to Asche, I'm happy being a guy as far as the social part goes. My body gives me issues, because my brain tells me that I have the wrong "bits". But even that is not a constant. Sometimes I'm just happy the way I am.

What would have happened if when you woke up from surgery the doubt was still there? Wouldn't it be too late then? How can you be so certain? I'm not questioning your decision, rather I'm trying to find out how do you know or how are you certain enough that you can make such a massive life changing decision?

J

The blockers weren't around when I transitioned and the estrogen wasn't sufficient to shut down T production so I had far less knowledge of what it would be like after surgery than you do. Top it off with a strong fear of surgery and it took almost every bit of effort to get me on the table.

What made it happen was comparing the two years of RLE against the past life in boy mode. I was more comfortable in RLE than I had been for years in boy mode and I knew I couldn't return to boy mode and feel as comfortable with myself as I did in RLE. Had for some reason surgery not been available to me, I knew I would continue in RLE instead of reverting to boy mode.

Also note that I took RLE seriously to the point of always sitting when using the toilet and no masturbation. I made the assumption that should I lose sexual sensitivity, I wanted to be sure I could live with the T driven drive without a way to release it. That was a false assumption because once the T factories were removed, the need to masturbate was reduced to near nothing. It prepared me for the worst case and I still decided surgery was my best option. 

The stories of post surgical regret were more numerous when I transitioned than they are now. It's possible the reason is because the non binary option wasn't understood and the non binary had surgery when they would have been better off without it. Today, the non binary options are clear and if you correctly determine where in the sexual spectrum you fit, you should be able to determine where you can live without regret.

If you need help understanding your options other than surgery, let me know and I will be happy to help you explore those options. Surgery isn't for everybody but for those who need it, it means a whole new life.

[Eva Marie]

Like you I dithered around with whether or not I was trans for a number of years and I could not really decide. Some days I felt masculine and some days I felt feminine and some days I felt neither. Mostly I didn't care about anything and I was just getting through each day as best I could with the help of a 12 pack every night.

The pain of being me was getting to be too much and I had to do something to alleviate it - So I went on HRT and after a month with no changes I woke up one morning and mentally it was like that scene in the Wizard of Oz where Dorothy's house is spinning in the air in black and white, and when it lands and she opens the door - the world was full of color! Other mental changes included being truly happy for the first time in my life, happy to engage in whatever came my way. I actually looked forward to going to work each day!

My therapist told me that a transgender MTF brain has estrogen receptors in it. No estrogen = unhappy person. Estrogen = happy person.

One little secret that is not talked about much concerns a treatment for prostate cancer - it's estrogen. Cisgender men take it and they get really grumpy since their testosterone levels dive and their hardware quits working. Since I experienced the complete opposite effect from estrogen- happiness - there is no doubt in my mind that i'm transgender.

[Jacqueline]

The essay questions you mention, is that something available online? If so, would you happen to have a link?

It seems to me that I go through these cycles of acceptance and total non-acceptance. If I can find a way to get through the shame it seems a bit easier to be more accepting. But when I'm feeling all the shame the acceptance is impossible for me. It sounds so simple when I write it down like that. Not quite so simple in practice.

You're right about the genie. I don't think the genie would fit back into that tiny little bottle she came out of. (Genie is a girl right? I'm thinking the old tv show "I Dream of Jeanie")

J

[/color]

I found these 4 series of essay questions on line. I will try to post the links. They are overwhelming to accomplish in one sitting. Not all of the questions are helpful. There is no pure score or result that lights up with lights, bells and blares "Take a Walk on the Wild Side". Sorry, a little levity is good and I could use some right about now myself. I am sure that not everyone would agree with some of the sites I borrowed them from but not everyone agrees on the same breakfast cereals or whether to eat breakfast cereal... I also collated them into a word document but have found no real way to post a document here unless it is it's own separate thread. If anyone is interested, I will do that and post them individually within the same thread.

https://www.->-bleeped-<-.com/r/asktransgender/related/299r7r/am_i_transgender_really_confused/

http://heartcorps.com/journeys/beginners/how-to-tell.htm

http://www.transsexual.org/provocateur.html

http://www.genderpsychology.org/transsexual/question.html

Hope you find them useful. I answered each individually and shared them with my therapist when we were first getting started. I also started a journal. However, it was more to dislodge memories. I have very spotty memories of my youth(before 12 or so). The more I answered I would get a a recollection I thought was gone. Now I am truly rambling.

Good luck.

With warmth

Joanna

PS Oddly, with Alladin and I Dream of Jenie I either never thought of a specific gender for a genie or assumed they could be either. But she's your genie, so, whatever flavour you want her to be.

[Jayne01]

Thanks for the links Joanna. I'll check them out soon as I get a chance.

J

[Janes Groove]

it strikes me how we are approaching our gender identity from different directions yet we are still approaching the same central core - femininity.  you're coming from the north and i'm coming from the south.  where you are married and straight, i am single and gay, or for over 20 years my identity was of an openly gay man.  but now that i identify as transgender i can wonder is it easier for me. certainly for over 20 years i have never been held to the same high standard of masculinity that society demands of straight men.  so i've had a little more leeway and time i think get used to the idea of an alternate gender identity.  but the deeply installed fear of ever being outed or identified as an openly feminine cross dresser was always with me.   it has lessened tremendously since i came out as transgender tho.   it's the fear that keeps us stuck.  and in my case it was almost wholly imagined.  i guess what i'm trying to wander around to is that i went thru the exact same kind of bargaining.  bargaining is one of the steps.  i read about it right here on susans.  and bargaining is what i do every day too.  you'll never get 100% scientific proof.  and you can wander around in circles until you end up getting dizzy. or alternately, you can just go for it and see what happens.

[Emileeeee]

I knew about the desire to transition at a very young age, but I never really considered it a need until about a year ago. I'm also 40 now, so roughly the same age. I spent a lot of years wondering if I actually made it up as a child and just never let it go. I spent several more years wondering if I was actually gay. When I finally decided to seriously look into it, I was all over the place. It was pretty much every other day that I went from yes I need to do this to no I'm just a feminine guy. I also didn't seem to fit with people on the forums because I didn't know I was a woman. I just felt like I needed to be one. I think we're a lot alike from that perspective.

I went to several therapists and told them I just didn't want to be so confused anymore, whether the answer was that I was trans or not. While I was there, I realized that if they nudged in the "you're not trans" direction, I felt a natural inclination to resist it. That's when I decided I really was trans, but I still hadn't decided on the transition yet. At that point, I was still prepared to spend the rest of my life as a guy and just keep the trans side hidden. That was around 5 years ago.

So what happened that made me make the decision finally? I fell in love with someone my family hated. They all ganged up on me and the relationship ended. Then they disappeared from my life for several months. It was then that I realized I had been living my life for them instead of me and it was suddenly clear that they meant more to me than I did to them. That was when I made the decision. That was about 8 months ago and I'm full-time now. I've since resumed that relationship and married her. She's fully supportive. My family was fully unsupportive. Funny how that worked out. The ones that cried that they were trying to protect me are the ones that left when I needed them most and the one that they disliked so much, is the one that's stayed by my side for it.

It's not a roadmap, but hope it helps.

[Jayne01]

it strikes me how we are approaching our gender identity from different directions yet we are still approaching the same central core - femininity.  you're coming from the north and i'm coming from the south.  where you are married and straight, i am single and gay, or for over 20 years my identity was of an openly gay man.  but now that i identify as transgender i can wonder is it easier for me. certainly for over 20 years i have never been held to the same high standard of masculinity that society demands of straight men.  so i've had a little more leeway and time i think get used to the idea of an alternate gender identity.  but the deeply installed fear of ever being outed or identified as an openly feminine cross dresser was always with me.   it has lessened tremendously since i came out as transgender tho.   it's the fear that keeps us stuck.  and in my case it was almost wholly imagined.  i guess what i'm trying to wander around to is that i went thru the exact same kind of bargaining.  bargaining is one of the steps.  i read about it right here on susans.  and bargaining is what i do every day too.  you'll never get 100% scientific proof.  and you can wander around in circles until you end up getting dizzy. or alternately, you can just go for it and see what happens.

Hi Jane Emily,

If you were a gay guy and I a straight guy and we now both identify as trans, does that now make you a straight woman and me a gay woman? Not liking for an answer, just an observation.

But more seriously, I do agree that fear keeps us stuck and afraid to move forward. I suppose we first need to recognise the fear is there in the first place and then find a way to get past it. I should probably practice what I preach. I often say to just go for it and see, you never know until you try, etc. it's all good advice until I need to listen to it myself. Then I suddenly become a little hard of hearing!

It seems to me that with the help of everyone here at Susan's, my therapist and my wife I am slowly learning something that I have know all along. I am transgender!

Jayne

[Jayne01]

I knew about the desire to transition at a very young age, but I never really considered it a need until about a year ago. I'm also 40 now, so roughly the same age. I spent a lot of years wondering if I actually made it up as a child and just never let it go. I spent several more years wondering if I was actually gay. When I finally decided to seriously look into it, I was all over the place. It was pretty much every other day that I went from yes I need to do this to no I'm just a feminine guy. I also didn't seem to fit with people on the forums because I didn't know I was a woman. I just felt like I needed to be one. I think we're a lot alike from that perspective.

I went to several therapists and told them I just didn't want to be so confused anymore, whether the answer was that I was trans or not. While I was there, I realized that if they nudged in the "you're not trans" direction, I felt a natural inclination to resist it. That's when I decided I really was trans, but I still hadn't decided on the transition yet. At that point, I was still prepared to spend the rest of my life as a guy and just keep the trans side hidden. That was around 5 years ago.

So what happened that made me make the decision finally? I fell in love with someone my family hated. They all ganged up on me and the relationship ended. Then they disappeared from my life for several months. It was then that I realized I had been living my life for them instead of me and it was suddenly clear that they meant more to me than I did to them. That was when I made the decision. That was about 8 months ago and I'm full-time now. I've since resumed that relationship and married her. She's fully supportive. My family was fully unsupportive. Funny how that worked out. The ones that cried that they were trying to protect me are the ones that left when I needed them most and the one that they disliked so much, is the one that's stayed by my side for it.

It's not a roadmap, but hope it helps.

Hi Emileeeee,

We do sound similar. I never thought I was gay. I asked myself the question a couple of times but dismissed it because it just didn't fit. But everything else you say sounds just like me.

I also just realised, like you, if the therapist was leading me on a direction that identified me as not trans, something deep inside me didn't like it. Could it be that I actually "want" to be trans after fighting so hard against it?

I know I'm not 100% masculine and I know I'm my 100% feminine. I am somewhere in between. By definition, that is transgender, right? (I hope I'm right because that means I am finally getting it)

Jayne

[Emileeeee]

I'm somewhere in between and that was really confusing for me too. I could only describe it as needing to be right smack in the middle, but on the female side of the fence. What I needed was to see a woman in the mirror. I didn't have a need to be recognized as such. I just wanted to feel normal.