How do you know for sure that you are trans?

[Jayne01]

I'm somewhere in between and that was really confusing for me too. I could only describe it as needing to be right smack in the middle, but on the female side of the fence. What I needed was to see a woman in the mirror. I didn't have a need to be recognized as such. I just wanted to feel normal.

You just described me better than I could.

[Chigau]

Well, having the affinity to relate to women in my youth on a personal  level, experimentation with crossdressing a through out my childhood, admiring the female form in a non-sexual way, constantly using escapism to fuel my subconscious desire to be female (frequently day dreaming about being female) and feeling alienated by what I saw in the mirror were pretty good indicators that I' Trans. It took me 18 years to figure this out because of prejudices/Ignorance against the LGBT community (which was due to being misinformed) and being muddled up with all the different sexualities and Gender Identities about being which one I was. I only released I was TG by randomly stumbling on a comic artist talking about using art as a way of expressing is GD (Gender Dysphoria) Before I had the whole epiphany about being Transgender, the more I looked into it, the more I could relate.

To me, It makes sense to be Transgender, Because I am. I've come to terms with the fact that I have a Brain that think's it's female.

but Transgender isn't my identity, the just one of the many quirks that make up who I am.

[Patti]

This was one of the posts that got me to register an account here.

I had a switch flip and I am heading to see a gender identity therapist as soon as possible. Need to sort out my brain to see where this is going. I feel like I am a woman inside, I look in the mirror and see a person that I am not. I have felt like that a while, but wasnt sure what it was.

More and more keeps coming to the surface the more I explore. I remember more about the past and what I kept buried.

[Qrachel]

I know I'm not 100% masculine and I know I'm my 100% feminine. I am somewhere in between. By definition, that is transgender, right? (I hope I'm right because that means I am finally getting it)

Jayne

Hi Jayne:

I am just dropping by to say hi and give you a ((hug)).  The above statement shows a lot of insight.  It's in the question where wisdom lies.  The pursuit of wisdom is the act of self-awareness lived . . . enjoy my dear, enjoy.

Rachel

[Jayne01]

Hello everyone,

You have all been so generous and kind with your replies. Thank you for that.

I just wanted to let you know that I have had somewhat of series of lights turning on in my head. Now everything is starting look bright and clear.

I am transgender. That much I now know. As I have previously said, I know I am not 100% at either end of the spectrum, but rather somewhere in the middle.

What is more, I have let go of the shame and guilt and I feel so much better. I am quite happy being male John and just know and accept that there is a little bit of Jayne inside me. Jayne is not evil and want to take over and ruin my life. Jayne is just a little girl playing and having fun and occasionally likes to push my buttons (and giggle about it).

John is who I am and that is probably why I had so much fear and anxiety about accepting my feminine side. I was afraid John would disappear. The dysphoria has not gone away, and I suspect never will. It is a function of my brain being the way it is. But John is who I want to be, and who I am. Even though the dysphoria still exists, just accepting myself as trans and being ok with it, has made the dysphoria bearable. I could never picture myself living as a woman. Even though my brain expects my body to be different from what it is, I still prefer being a man. They may not make any sense to many of you, but it is making sense to me.

My dysphoria has never been a constant. It has always come and gone, adding to my confusion. Now if it comes, it is just little Jayne pushing the dysphoria button and having a giggle. I just accept it as being there. Kind of when my baby niece grabs the hairs on my arm and pulls them and laughs when I curl up my face in pain. It hurts, but I don't get mad at her.

Anyway, I think I am finally finding some peace inside my head. And one of the biggest contributing factors is letting go of the shame and guilt. You have all told me that, but I needed to find on for myself.

J

[carissajaye]

Like you I dithered around with whether or not I was trans for a number of years and I could not really decide. Some days I felt masculine and some days I felt feminine and some days I felt neither. Mostly I didn't care about anything and I was just getting through each day as best I could with the help of a 12 pack every night.

This exactly how I feel right now and have been for a couple years. Just the difference for me is scotch, dark speedmetal, and videogames where I blow s**t up. Oh God Almighty how I've prayed for it all to go away. Dealing with GD and my Christian faith... When I am in a bad mood, I feel masculine. In a good mood I feel feminine. Obviously I prefer the latter. I just really can't shake it. Been on http://myevanesce.com/ herbals for about 9 months now and absolutely love how soft my skin is, and how my girls are growing. If I had to stop my 'transition' I'd be devastated.

The pain of being me was getting to be too much and I had to do something to alleviate it - So I went on HRT and after a month with no changes I woke up one morning and mentally it was like that scene in the Wizard of Oz where Dorothy's house is spinning in the air in black and white, and when it lands and she opens the door - the world was full of color! Other mental changes included being truly happy for the first time in my life, happy to engage in whatever came my way. I actually looked forward to going to work each day!

My therapist told me that a transgender MTF brain has estrogen receptors in it. No estrogen = unhappy person. Estrogen = happy person.

I was on prescription HRT 2 years ago and I loved how it felt. I hope I respond the same way if my new Dr. supports my going back on it. But what you said about a MTF brain has E receptors... not to question you but gosh is that really true? What a revealing idea! Maybe your therapist could provide you a source, sounds like something we would love to read further 

[Tessa James]

Hello everyone,

You have all been so generous and kind with your replies. Thank you for that.

I just wanted to let you know that I have had somewhat of series of lights turning on in my head. Now everything is starting look bright and clear.

I am transgender. That much I now know. As I have previously said, I know I am not 100% at either end of the spectrum, but rather somewhere in the middle.

What is more, I have let go of the shame and guilt and I feel so much better. I am quite happy being male John and just know and accept that there is a little bit of Jayne inside me. Jayne is not evil and want to take over and ruin my life. Jayne is just a little girl playing and having fun and occasionally likes to push my buttons (and giggle about it).

John is who I am and that is probably why I had so much fear and anxiety about accepting my feminine side. I was afraid John would disappear. The dysphoria has not gone away, and I suspect never will. It is a function of my brain being the way it is. But John is who I want to be, and who I am. Even though the dysphoria still exists, just accepting myself as trans and being ok with it, has made the dysphoria bearable. I could never picture myself living as a woman. Even though my brain expects my body to be different from what it is, I still prefer being a man. They may not make any sense to many of you, but it is making sense to me.

My dysphoria has never been a constant. It has always come and gone, adding to my confusion. Now if it comes, it is just little Jayne pushing the dysphoria button and having a giggle. I just accept it as being there. Kind of when my baby niece grabs the hairs on my arm and pulls them and laughs when I curl up my face in pain. It hurts, but I don't get mad at her.

Anyway, I think I am finally finding some peace inside my head. And one of the biggest contributing factors is letting go of the shame and guilt. You have all told me that, but I needed to find on for myself.

J

We have no real data but I would guess most people who have gender non conforming thoughts and feelings say nothing about it and never consider transition, much less HRT and surgery.  Accepting yourself just as you are is plenty of progress John.  Those who do not transition medically still have opportunities and sometimes the need to simply cope with where they are.  Some guys wear a pair of panties or any number of fun ways to feel alright without going all the way.

[Jayne01]

We have no real data but I would guess most people who have gender non conforming thoughts and feelings say nothing about it and never consider transition, much less HRT and surgery.  Accepting yourself just as you are is plenty of progress John.  Those who do not transition medically still have opportunities and sometimes the need to simply cope with where they are.  Some guys wear a pair of panties or any number of fun ways to feel alright without going all the way.

Hi Tessa,

Thanks for that. Believe it or not I don't even have the desire to wear anything feminine. Right Jayne is happily living in my mind only.

However, if somewhere down the track I do feel the need to dress or whatever, then that would be OK because I won't feel ashamed of myself when I do it. I feel like a whole new person.

John

[Deborah]

Yaaaay,  I think you know what I have been poorly trying to say now.  Once you've started liking and not hating yourself you can think rationally about what needs to be done, if anything needs to be done at all.

Both sides are integral parts of yourself so continually fighting and hating one part or the other just destroys you over time much like a long civil war destroys a country.  Things never turn out well.  But now you can find your way to live in harmony and balance?


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[Adena]

John and Jayne,

This is great news - that you are becoming more at peace with yourself and free to express your true self.

I am growing to enjoy my voyage of discovery too!

Love,
Denali

[Jayne01]

It all sounds so simple in hindsight. In what universe does it make sense to fight with yourself to reach peace. It's ridiculous! I just had to go and do it the hard way and find out for myself. At least now I finally have my head at some kind of peace.

I don't think I need to do anything as far as transition goes. The dysphoria is there but it is now manageable. Time will tell.

I can't thank you all enough for being patient with my foolishness until I finally snapped out of my endless downward spiral.

John

[KathyLauren]

John/Jayne

It really sounds like you have turned a corner.  Congratulations!  I totally get what you say about just knowing taking a load off your mind.  I feel the same way.

Hugs and best wishes wherever your road takes you.

[Eva Marie]

I was on prescription HRT 2 years ago and I loved how it felt. I hope I respond the same way if my new Dr. supports my going back on it. But what you said about a MTF brain has E receptors... not to question you but gosh is that really true? What a revealing idea! Maybe your therapist could provide you a source, sounds like something we would love to read further 

My therapist is a PHD and she has dissected human brains. She is one very smart lady. She told me that a MTF brain has estrogen receptors and thats why HRT works for us - it's like we get the proper fuel for our brain.

There is a lot of information out there about estrogen receptors in the brain. The estrogen receptor (ER)-β was discovered in 1996.

Google "brain estrogen receptors" or "(ER)-β".

[Wednesday]

Well, I don't feel that way.  While in some ways it would be nice to fit in with the herd, it would also mean that I wouldn't be me.  If someone ever had a magic cure that would make me cis male (or maybe even cis female), it would feel like they were exterminating me and replacing me with some more socially acceptable construct that just happened to look like me, sort of like Stepford Wives.

Loved this one Reminds me of qualia, mind-body theories, philosophical zombies and all that stuff. I guess this poist in gonna give us lots of food for thought.

Addressing the main question OP asked. I think that most of the times our main issue does not lay on getting the right answers but in making que right questions.

"How do you know for sure that you are trans?" Sounds like a tricky question to me.

How do you know for sure you're (all of ya homies) just not mad living on a delusion induced by your own perception? How do you know you're not in some kind of Truman Show being watched or stuck in some kind of reality simulation being screened by some sort of crazy god? How do you know logic and science are not well manufactured deceptions delivered by some kind of "higher" entity? Would you ever know?

Yeh, yeh, I know I'm getting way too philosophical here but I guess all of you can see my point: asking oneself that kind of question is simply asking the wrong kind of question.

Lemme suggest a second-hand crappy manufactured thought experiment:

- Let's suppose science has extensively studied transgender phenomena and concluded that within all cases studied and followed (thousands of them) some biological patterns had been discovered that are common to all. Brain scans, complex genetical studies, neurological responses to several hormones, etc etc. All of them had been put together so an ultra-reliable, cheap and easy-to-use test has been designed and given to medical practitioners all over the world.

- So, you have been feeling low lately thinking your body and mind don't match. Thinking you should had born female. Thinking you don't recognise your body, you don't like your body. So, you headed straight down to your physician and asked him/her to give you the transgender-test.

- Unfortunately, the transgender-test gave you a negative result. You're not transgender is what the test says. Whoa, kind of relief. But you're feeling dysphoric somehow. Maybe you're nuts? Schizophrenia? Some kind of delusion? Multiple personalities? Time to go to the therapist/psychiatricist.

- The therapist asks you lots of questions. You go through countless hours of therapy. But in the end, he sees no trace of delusions, madness or any other kind of mental disorder. Therapy is not wiping out your conflicted feelings. How the hell? The test told you''re not transgender but you're still suffering gender dysphoria.

- Now, you're desperate thinking on a solution. Nothing has worked. You're still feeling dysphoric, but according to science criteria you're not going completely crazy and you are not transgender. However that doesn't really help, you're still dysphoric and feeling very low. What would you do?

Also lemme ask yall even when the transgender-test has told you several times that you're not transgender... How do you know for sure that you're not trans? Maybe the studies are missing something, maybe the test is a lie, maybe you're the rule exception, maybe, maybe...

[Janes Groove]

This exactly how I feel right now and have been for a couple years. Just the difference for me is scotch, dark speedmetal, and videogames where I blow s**t up. Oh God Almighty how I've prayed for it all to go away. Dealing with GD and my Christian faith...

i came out as transgender on thanksgiving.  but i came out as gay over 20 years ago.  never thought I would have to come out again.  but people in the lgbt community don't have as big an issue transitioning from g to t.  i do go to church on sunday sometimes.  just for the sense of community.  i don't have a big capital c christian identity and if anything think of myself more as a buddhist.  but, long story short, at my church it's okay to be gay. and it's okay to be trans.  we have transgender men and women who attend church too.  it's okay in my church for me to sit in the pew wearing a dress. and i present pretty masculine.  nobody bats an eye.  all i get is christian love and acceptance.

[Deborah]

Where does anyone's identity reside?  Is it simply a biochemical process in the brain or does it originate in the mind?  And what is the mind?  Is it simply neurons firing in the brain or is it something else?  And if is something else how is related to the brain?

These questions will drive you crazy because they have no answer, at least not yet.  Philosophers have been debating it for millennia without a concrete answer.

So it all comes down to I think, therefore I know who I am.  So, if you can eliminate the possibility of total insanity there is the answer.

But can you be totally certain you are in fact not totally insane?   Oh no, here we go again!

In the end who knows a person's mind better than that person herself?  The answer is nobody. 

I thought of the magic cure pill once too.  Imagine a blue pill and a pink pill.  If you take the blue pill all dysphoria will be gone and all that will remain is a male body with a purely male mind.  If you take the pink pill of course the opposite will happen.  Which pill do you choose?  I chose pink because in my mind the blue pill destroys me and replaces me with someone else.  Blue is a suicide pill.  As hard as I tried I could not envision me, my ego, surviving the blue pill.  With the pink pill I remain but without the body mismatch.  That though experiment was a pretty strong indicator to me of what my answer was.


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[Sebby Michelango]

I discovered it when I was 13 years old. I wasn't born in the wrong body, because that's impossible. According to what I've understands, transgender are born in the right body, but their brain and body developing difference (and wrong) ways. There are indirect medical proves about transsexuals. A brain scan show ftm has masculine brain structure and mtf have feminine brain structure. Even they who doesn't follow the stereotype gender roles have a similar gender structure as what they are supposed to be, because it's their nature.

I discovered what I was supposed to be, because gender dysphoria. I felt discomfort to my body and couldn't imagine grow up to be a female. That hasn't anything with gender roles to do. This is all about the body and what's my nature. I wear masculine clothes, but my manner is more feminine. Not that feminine, but more than many other guys. I'm sensitive and difference. I had lack of voice change and masculine features. The breast and everything of the sex features were wrong. I just knew it and I knew it after the puberty start. Before that I had a 'normal' childhood without knowing.

[Wednesday]

Yeah Deborah, that was the kind of post I was expecting

So it all comes down to I think, therefore I know who I am.  So, if you can eliminate the possibility of total insanity there is the answer.

But can you be totally certain you are in fact not totally insane?   Oh no, here we go again!

I got what I think is a very nice question about that. If you cannot eliminate the possibility of total insanity... well, does that really matter? Is it relevant? That's not going to change the fact you know who you are since total insanity is actually part of you. Do we really need to rule out that possibility? Maybe total insanity could be somewhat important to an imaginary  and ideal outside observer who is for sure completely out of total insanity. But for yourself or for any other observer subject to the same logic limits?

Blue is a suicide pill.  As hard as I tried I could not envision me, my ego, surviving the blue pill.  With the pink pill I remain but without the body mismatch.  That though experiment was a pretty strong indicator to me of what my answer was.

So much insight here. In fact blue pill would be a perfect philosophical/logical/mind suicide. 10 out of 10. I couldn't put it better.

In the end who knows a person's mind better than that person herself?  The answer is nobody.

Here is the next big one. Very heavy food for thought.

[Jayne01]

Ouch!!! My head hurts with all this philosophical talk.

As far as blue or pink pills go. I would take either. They both have exactly the same result of making the dysphoria go away. I would still be me, either boy or girl, and would be happy, because either pill makes all the negative feelings related to gender go away.

Anyway, like it has been said before, we could talk about "what ifs" until the end of time. It won't change what actually is. And that is all that matters.

It has been almost one week since I finally accepted that holding on to the shame and guilt was getting me nowhere and decided to start accepting myself as I am. I now know I'm transgender, that is how I was born and it was nobody's fault. The dysphoria has been coming and going each day, some days more than others, but I haven't let it get me down. I haven't been feeling depressed or distressed in anyway except for a kind of weird (hard to explain) physical discomfort when the dysphoria is present. It's an odd feeling that I don't know how to describe other than simply calling it "dysphoria" without the depression.

J

[carissajaye]

I have logged a full year (between 2 attempts) at transition, and a few years with a passive transition (herbals, buy/purge). In my own brain, I honestly love shopping for bags, shoes, but women's clothing is a cornucopia of opportunity. SInce my divorce, I've dated half dozen women. Some of them were to me, quite fine; so much that I was questioning to myself, "Does this girl really dig me? Girls in high school abhorred me, why shouldn't adulthood be any different?" Of course the prettiest women I dated dumped me for my inherent femininity, domestication, and uber-kindness. Just hold that thought for a second...

Its a foregone conclusion that I overwhelmingly prefer the company of women. That said, there is a good chunk of my brain that would still prefer to take the blue pill, destroy all desires of self-femininity, do good by God (by worldly standards), avoid more sin, and have the ideal hetero marriage; me being buff, cute, and wanting NOTHING feminine except my wife, who is well... totally gorgeous.  Go to church, pray, be less sinful in God's eyes than well...

... I am now. But I can't f**king help it. I am what I am and that's all that I am (think Popeye). I want to be one of the pretty girls, my feminine brain is not compatible with that ideal I outlined above, in my experience. I feel I am stuck... all my life; that of course is God-blessed. Maybe God made me this way, maybe its a birth defect, or maybe the depraved world of sin created me to be this way. Yes I'm a born-again Christian and my relationship with the Trinity is the most important thing of all to me.

So yea I would prefer the blue pill to convert me to all man both man, heart, body, and spirit and be with the idealistic family. Ravage my beautiful wife like crazy. Show her who's boss while loving her. Show my kids the ways of God.

But now... apparently I'm trans. Yes I do fantasize about a man's equipment; even experimented in the past. But hate everything else about maleness. I am a feminist and truly feel women are more evolutionary advanced. Think about it with all generality; women are more liberal/loving, man's arrogance prevented them from leadership roles all the while men have f**ked up the world so many times over. Women have lovely heads of hair and relatively hairlessbodies. Their reproductive organs are internal, the list goes on.

Well ok yea my type-a fear-ridden, legalistic, depraved, worldy view is that being 100% man is ideal... But my heart, my desires, my emotions.... desire to be all female. Gosh if I had a million bucks...

Thanks for listening girls