How do you know for sure that you are trans?

[Michelle86]

I know I have spent countless amounts of time reading up on gender dysphoria, and trying to determine if I had it, then convincing myself I didn't have it.

I think we all spend inordinate amounts of time denying the truth because of how we fear being perceived.

This is where I am constantly.  I always think I'm certain one way or the other and keep coming back to Michelle.

[Jayne01]

This is where I am constantly.  I always think I'm certain one way or the other and keep coming back to Michelle.

I thought I had it figured out last week. I keep switching one way then back. If I settle on Jayne, briefly for a very short time I think it's ok and find some kind of peace. Then I get filled with pure hatred of the whole concept of me even a little bit as a woman. It does not compute. So it seems I was very wrong to ever think I was transgender. I obviously have some kind of illness that is yet to be diagnosed.

I am very sorry for considering myself trans and including myself in your community. This is not where I fit and I only imagine I cause unnecessary confusion to those who need help from people who know what they are talking about instead of reading my messed up rankings.

If there is anybody from the admin staff that reads this, please delete my account as I am in the wrong place. (A padded cell seems more right for me)

Sorry to burden you all with my ->-bleeped-<-

J

[Emileeeee]

I thought I had it figured out last week. I keep switching one way then back. If I settle on Jayne, briefly for a very short time I think it's ok and find some kind of peace. Then I get filled with pure hatred of the whole concept of me even a little bit as a woman. It does not compute. So it seems I was very wrong to ever think I was transgender. I obviously have some kind of illness that is yet to be diagnosed.

I am very sorry for considering myself trans and including myself in your community. This is not where I fit and I only imagine I cause unnecessary confusion to those who need help from people who know what they are talking about instead of reading my messed up rankings.

This happens to a lot of people, myself included. I can't tell you how many times I posted here all excited that I had finally figured out what the heck I was, then the next day realized I was wrong. And the day after that, realizing I was right the first time. I've stopped seeing shrinks because I was so sure I was cured, then called back to grovel for a new appointment a week later. At some point you just have to make the decision. The only clear decision for me was to try the transition, because I already tried not doing it and I was stuck in the land of confusion. The only way to know for sure was to give it a shot. I do wonder from time to time if I'm doing the right thing, but I am definitely much happier than I was before and that confusion is gone.

Trans is a spectrum. It's not all or nothing. Whether or not you're in the part that would require a transition is something that needs to be determined by you, but I feel like people just randomly questioning don't have names for their alter egos. The hatred could actually be shame due to lack of self-acceptance. If it really is hatred pure and simple, why do you keep returning to it? Just my thoughts. I'm not a shrink.

[Adena]

This is where I am constantly.  I always think I'm certain one way or the other and keep coming back to Michelle.

I can identify with this!

Denali I am

[Steph7]

Jayne,

Hey - hang in there. I have much in common with you.

I am not saying you are not crazy - I am just saying you are not the only one.

I have never been a fan of labels. I am more scared of being labeled Transgender than I am of being Transgender.  I know logically it does not make sense - but it is how I feel.

It will take time to work out who you are. I agree it is awful fighting with yourself, and not knowing who you are. But it will take time.

I try to keep focused on one step at a time.

Take care

[Jayne01]

I am not saying you are not crazy - I am just saying you are not the only one.

That actually made me laugh. Maybe I am crazy.

[Steph7]

i am glad you laughed.



Just wanted you to know you are not alone - and 20 years ago someone qualified to do so might have declared us both crazy. Thank goodness it is not 20 years ago.



Who knows - if you stay here in the forums (Trans or not) maybe it can help.

[Marienz]

I thought I had it figured out last week. I keep switching one way then back. If I settle on Jayne, briefly for a very short time I think it's ok and find some kind of peace. Then I get filled with pure hatred of the whole concept of me even a little bit as a woman. It does not compute. So it seems I was very wrong to ever think I was transgender. I obviously have some kind of illness that is yet to be diagnosed.

I am very sorry for considering myself trans and including myself in your community. This is not where I fit and I only imagine I cause unnecessary confusion to those who need help from people who know what they are talking about instead of reading my messed up rankings.

If there is anybody from the admin staff that reads this, please delete my account as I am in the wrong place. (A padded cell seems more right for me)

Sorry to burden you all with my ->-bleeped-<-

J

I always read your posts J, and I have became a strong advocate of TG people..., you are, who you are:) you deserve to be whoever you're comfortable with being:)
Marie


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Significant other
Heterosexual woman

[Jayne01]

I always read your posts J, and I have became a strong advocate of TG people..., you are, who you are:) you deserve to be whoever you're comfortable with being:)
Marie


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Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Hi Marie,

I wish I knew who I was to be that person. Right now I have no idea what I am comfortable being. It is very unsettling and confusing. I really did think I had finally figured it out last week. But now I feel as though I'm back to square one and have to start from the beginning.

J

[JMJW]

31 years old here and I relate to your story in a major way. I don't know if I'm transgender so I still assume cisgender despite:

"Aya" being the name for what I call the caged feminine inside my mind.The name I would ever go under if I transitioned.
Being her for 5 years straight online. Neglecting my male body so bad I had to stop. Only went outside a three or four times a year. But the problem is my father died of cancer before then. So I have to question if that's the cause, wanting to be someone else to avoid facing grief.
I was a social recluse, still am in many ways, never had a romantic relationship, never had a job, dropped out of college, started to write and draw, in a fantasy world I could be whatever I wanted, and my story stars 3 female protagonists who I could vicariously live through. So they diagnosed me with Asperger's Syndrome, despite me mentioning a desire to be a girl.
-Every single character in video games I've played has been female.
- I slept through this Christmas, so much so I got sick. I only woke up to write and draw and go online. I'd rather dream my life away.
- I watch transgender videos all the time. I try to strengthen my male identity by watching alot of MRA and MGTOW videos.
- I hate my masculine face. And my head so much. I wish my skull was smaller.
-Hell I don't even bother with personal hygeine. Last  year I got skin ulcers, so painful I could barely walk. I showered practically never and was in bed all the time. I just didn't and to a large extent am completely apathetic. 

I never crossdressed really. I bought a wig and make up but only tried them once.
I don't talk to women irl as friends beyond my own family. Though I used to play with dolls and all that,  was never "with" the girls as a kid or a teen. Or an adult for that matter.

Despite all that though I don't feel female. I don't know what feeling female is. I just feel like me. And I know I feel miserable most of the time. The art and fantasy only helps so much. I don't know if transitioning would help but I know I would look like crap and people would probably call me a freak. Taking hormones for the rest of my life, painful feminisation surgery, which I can technically afford, but the kicker, SRS where youd have to dilate it from healing over? It sounds overwheming, and frightening. I don't want to be transgender because I want it to go away on its own, and by all accounts gender dysphoria rarely does.

I haven't seen a doctor about this and I don't want it to be gender dysphoria. I just want it to be an expression of autism. Maybe because of my Aspergers I'm so emotionally withdrawn and repressed and unable to cry so I wish I was female to give myself permission and a license to be emotional. More than ever I want to tell someone how I feel and for me it too comes and goes. I told my mother and she thought I was gay. Some days I'll be perfectly fine and others Aya will violently shake her cage.

When I watch anti trans videos I think maybe they're right. Maybe it is a mental illness. Anything to deny that I could be trans. I get into circular patterns of thinking that because I havent transitioned at all by my age, that means those who have transitioned must have it worse and must have"real" gender dysphoria. What I have is fake gender dysphoria. That's what I'll keep believing. because it's safe and comfortable. It's the feelings I'm familiar with. It's the misery I know.   

[Jayne01]

JMJW, I'm sorry you are going through this. It really sucks. Due to my screwed up mind, I'm not in any position to give you advice other than it may be helpful to seek out a gender therapist. They may be able to help you figure things out.

Hope things improve for you.

J

[m3morpho]

Have you thought about the possibility that you might be somewhere under the nonbinary umbrella? I was in the nb community for around 2 years, and there are a ton of different experiences there. You may want to look into the term "genderfluid".
Either way, I understand your feeling. I went back, and forth, and back, and forth with genders for around 2 years. Went to get HRT, canceled, went to get HRT, canceled, etc.
I never thought I was supposed to be a boy up until recently, and using the term "born in the wrong body" is a new thing for me. When I first realized I was trans, I didn't have the words for it, given that I was 12. All I knew was that I was, what I now know to be, dysphoric. However, my dysphoria waxed and waned for a long time. Still does a bit, actually.
I understand not knowing your gender. For me, I never doubted if I was trans, but I DID change my gender identity every 5 seconds... And even now, I'm a bit of an "odd" FTM, in that I still enjoy makeup and feminine fashion.
And on your second question, I've had many-a-night where I was purely distressed by the fact that I am trans. I've often wished I wasn't, sometimes I wish I could've just been a cis girl, that I could've just...continued on, unaware. But I think it's a matter of accepting that that's not who you are, and trudging on, you know?
Basically what I'm saying is, you may be trans, you may not be, only you can determine that. However, I think it's important to remember that trans experiences come in every shape, size, form, and color. You are not alone - you may have just not found your tribe yet, so to speak.
Good luck.

[kaitylynn]

Looking at the original thread title, another question would be broader and just as pertinent...how does one know anything for sure?

As for identifying as trans and to what degree you are open to accepting your conclusion, that is entirely personal.  For me, it was never really a question.  I recognized myself as a girl when I was very young and grew in to an understanding that I ended up with mixed up chromosomes.  Simple really, that my biology has never matched my identity.  For decades, I was able to control the negatives associated with such a mix up.  I worked on the "inside" to be me, to get by the best I could and to be happy with what I was given.

Many of my traits, female and male are built through my early interactions with friends, and to a very limited degree family.  Most male friends recognized me as a "gay boy".  My female friends were a bit different.  They recognized me as a girl and accepted me as their own and so I was able to straddle the fence, so to speak.  I could walk around and be seen as either by my direct peers and never really spent too much time considering anyone else's opinion.  My "world" was manifested in acceptance.

I began discussing my feelings, perceptions and desires (and indirectly choices) with my mom at an early age, but never "took advantage of it" to seek professional help.  This started around 12 or 13, so parts of my family were not very surprised when I came out at 28.  Some really hurtful experiences at 16 with parts of my family meant that I would have to make a choice in terms of moving forward and I shelved "me" for a long while, but eventually my trans issues grew beyond my ability to contain them within my own skin, irrespective of the concerns of anyone around me.

I was allowed the mind space to explore my feeling, perception and identity.  By 16, I was fairly sure I was bat-&#%( crazy, but I recognized for sure that my body was apart from who I actually am.  I simply did not have a name or label to fit in to and so felt pretty alone, but was accepted which made that much 3easier to bear.  It would not be until the 1990 that I would be introduced to the term "trans" and suddenly I had the lock to try my key in...the world opened and I finally had a semi defined path.

So for me, I have always known.  It took some time to find out the "what" of me, but it came together.  In today's world of hyper intensive information on almost every subject, I think that things are a bit harder to nail down actually.  In "my day", it was GG or GM and trans (actually 'transsexual').  It was a fairly tight definition with a guidedly defined path.  Now, there is a good understanding of the "spectrum" and the lines, if there ever really were any, are blurry.  No longer are the days when you were or weren't...and if you were you either "went all the way" or went nowhere with it.

The fact that one questions their identity's gender at all seems to be a strong indicator that something might be going on.  It is worth exploration with gender specialist therapy if the feelings persist for any length of time (to be determined by the individual).

No matter what, you are welcome here and accepted regardless of your personal level of desire to alter your path.  It is a personal path of growth and ultimately of self love and expression.  Be yourself, you are here and so it would seem that you are open to learning more about yourself.  How awesome is that!

[carissajaye]

I got to thinking again this morning when heading home from church (who is 110% accepting) my previous arguments as to why I feel I am trans. It struck me when I saw this lady at the packie with those patent clogs (which I find so cute).

My argument that I've admitted to have beat to death with my therapist is that what if I am so heterosexual (as a man, or boy as it were), too hetero in fact, that I want to become what I love most; those of the fairer gender. This first came up at 17 when a female friend of mine walked in my bedroom to hang out and noticed all the girlie posters in my room. It was plastered by them. My poor mother. The girl asked me why I had so many and I replied I sooooo love women. Then she asked me, "Do you want to be one?" or something like that. It was the first time I thought about wanting to be female although I experimented with girl clothes for many years prior.

Have any of you entertained this thought? Sometimes it comes to mind, like that lady with the clogs. If I see a lady with long flowing hair, fumbling with makeup, or carefully negotiating the snow in her heels. I keep thinking if I were built so manly and muscular, and a macho attitude to match, maybe if a beautiful woman love me would satisfy all my GD feelings. Well right after my divorce I kind of proved that while I looked male, and could go back to the gym to build my self up again, my mind would not match my body whatsoever. 2 beautiful women dumped me because I was too psychologically feminine.

[JoanneB]

I see all too often the pain people put themselves through due to the binary thinking of not just gender, but also being trans. Time and time again I see; I don't feel like X, therefore I MUST be trans and I MUST transition to Y. Being transgender is firmly believed to mean that transitioning is mandatory to qualify. Turning your world totally upside down when all that is bothering you TODAY is the feeling that you aren't 100% pure X.

To me transgender is not being cis. I haven't a clue as to what "Cis" must feel like. Just as I haven't a clue when I see new members of my TG support group come in with their life totally paralyzed, they cannot function due to the anxiety and depression, on the verge of suicide even. I do have some idea what it feels like between what Cis must feel like and them. I share many of the same feelings of both.

This is not to say I don't have a lot of angst some days as to where in the spectrum between cis-female and cis-male I am. Worse yet, where I would function the best and be the happiest. Some days it's "Better the devil you know...". Other days it's "I want to stop the pain"

[KoreyCabra]

I struggle with this issue too. I'm not the sort of person to hop onto something big like this without being sure. I've ignored this being a problem in my life and I now spend a lot of time reading up on the issue. My biggest area that matches up with dysphoric feelings is sexual. I've never done anything like that and was comfortable with, there was always some sort of freak out or panic attack. And while I do have issues like depression and anxiety, it's escalated to being physically violent to people who just try to touch from doctors to potential dates. And then I've never felt right being labeled "female" growing up I was a tomboy but that's not really how I feel on the inside. Most of my pre-teen years I would fixate myself on characters from various shows or books that were strong male figures and I felt comforted by that.

Until I hit the low of actually pretending to be a male over the internet, introducing myself as female just felt disgusting to me. The biggest word that I think of when going over growing up or my feelings are always "disgusting". Even as a child I would do that, insist on being put in the male role of the play and then have an outburst when I was denied. I was self-aware but I was not comfortable like this. I do not think I would of behaved and sought out these alternate personas if I was okay being CIS. I just wish I hadn't ignored myself for so long.

[Lyndsey]

Hi Girls & Guys

I new When I was so young that I can't remember. I always new that I was Female and had a very hard time growing up in my house with my father and two brothers being so manly. There are twice my size and height and weigh. I was born with a twin sister and we have always been so close. When I was little and my parents were not around my sister use to dress me up in her  and clothes looked exactly the same except I had short hair. Later in life I couldn't take it, My father use to beat it into me and say you are a man and I'm going to make you a man if it kills me. Well he had his way and I got married I was sterile so My brother donated for my wife to have 2 of my kids. I started taking testosterone when I was about 15 years old as I had no Sex drive and didn't care about either women or men.  they started giving me testosterone shots. As I grew older they kept increasing the dosage till one day I had a heart attack. In 2002 and then again in 2007 they found out that I had had my Heart attack because they were giving me so much testosterone.  So they took me off it in 2007 and all hell started with my body. I new my whole life as I have said that I never felt right as a guy.  Well my father got sick in 2006 year and died in the winter of 2007. Within 2 months after I came out to my family that I wasn't really sure what the hell was wrong with me but I knew I felt like I got hit by a truck. I stuck it out as a guy till February of 2011 when I just told everyone that I was going to transition. I lost a lot of my family at that time. Some have come back and some have not. After I had gone full time I really realized that I was really female and not male. I have been living very much happier in my life now and very comfortable with who I am and have become. I had SCS on October 20th 2015 with Dr. Marci Bowers and It has been great for me ever sense but while in the OR during my surgery Dr. Bowers found out a few more things about me than in a million years would have expected and was as surprised as much as me about what she found out. Sense my surgery I have gone threw many mental changes in my life from being very happy to being very depressed and now to mad and trying to figure out what went wrong when I was born in 1957. Please don't take me wrong I'm Very happy that I chose to have SCS and with this Doctor Bowers as she has been a wonderful support for me and calls me all the time to see how I am doing.I myself am heading back out to see her on Feb 3rd for a complete check up. The mystery goes on today as I still wondering what that I have missed out on.I guess that I will always have a something to take to the grave with me without any answers.


Hug's
Lyndsey

[Tristyn]

Truth be told, I wish I could be a "normal" girl.

I wish I could put on a dress and not feel like Knuckles The Echidna in drag. I don't ever wish to be transgender. I don't think any of us do. Why would someone want to be something that is so severely misunderstood?

I can tell I am transgender because I have so many natural mannerisms, interests and/or behaviors that reflect those of what's more common for someone of the male gender than a female gender even though I was born biologically as female. I'll never forget over ten years ago when my brother pulled me to the side one day and told me "I wish you were my brother...." He wasn't laughing, giggling, smirking or even smiling, to say the least, he was dead serious.

I thought for years that I was a tomboy who would one day grow out of "acting like a boy," like everyone said I would. I tried many painful things to "grow out of" being transgender; dating a man (though I only like women), swinging my hips when I walk, wearing dresses and high heels, having long hair and long nails. All these things only proved to make the dysphoria life-threatening. If the very opposite of what you identify as hurts you to be this much, than I say it really means you are trans. That's why there is no test for it; its an innate, inner subjectivity of mannerisms and behaviors more or so associated with the gender different from what you were assigned as.

I get more dysphoric during the holidays also. I think it has alot to do with the pressure the holidays bring from trying to meet our family's and friends' expectations of who they think we are vs. who we really are. Mine's got to the point where I attempted suicide this New Year already.

[Lyndsey]

Truth be told, I wish I could be a "normal" girl.

I wish I could put on a dress and not feel like Knuckles The Echidna in drag. I don't ever wish to be transgender. I don't think any of us do. Why would someone want to be something that is so severely misunderstood?

I can tell I am transgender because I have so many natural mannerisms, interests and/or behaviors that reflect those of what's more common for someone of the male gender than a female gender even though I was born biologically as female. I'll never forget over ten years ago when my brother pulled me to the side one day and told me "I wish you were my brother...." He wasn't laughing, giggling, smirking or even smiling, to say the least, he was dead serious.

I thought for years that I was a tomboy who would one day grow out of "acting like a boy," like everyone said I would. I tried many painful things to "grow out of" being transgender; dating a man (though I only like women), swinging my hips when I walk, wearing dresses and high heels, having long hair and long nails. All these things only proved to make the dysphoria life-threatening. If the very opposite of what you identify as hurts you to be this much, than I say it really means you are trans. That's why there is no test for it; its an innate, inner subjectivity of mannerisms and behaviors more or so associated with the gender different from what you were assigned as.

I get more dysphoric during the holidays also. I think it has alot to do with the pressure the holidays bring from trying to meet our family's and friends' expectations of who they think we are vs. who we really are. Mine's got to the point where I attempted suicide this New Year already.

Hi

I know how you feel as I get the same way and I transitioned. As we all know when we start this or decide not to it can be so freaking had to stay on track. My heart goes out to you. You need to do what you need to do for yourself and it doesn't matter what others will think as after a bit of time everything will fall into place. Be yourself!

Hug's
Lyndsey

[Adena]

The mystery goes on today as I still wondering what that I have missed out on.I guess that I will always have a something to take to the grave with me without any answers.

Hug's
Lyndsey

But you do have a great attitude about enjoying your life now in the place that you were meant to be - you are there now and for all time. Thanks for your testimony - such a powerful example of how everyone was trying to make you into something that you were not because they thought that is what you should be and couldn't see the forest for the trees - even to the point of seriously endangering your life. So glad you made it through that!
Love,
Denali