Internalised transphobia

[windlep]

When I first realised I was trans, my first thought was "well now I have to kill myself" because I couldn't stand the thought of being, or people thinking, I'm a freak. It was so strong that for months I wouldn't even consider transitioning, all my thoughts were on when I was going to die.

I've also noticed that my transphobic feelings are triggered when I see certain kinds of trans people but not others. Some trans people seem to radiate warmth and happiness, probably because they can finally be themselves, and that makes me feel better about myself.  I feel better sometimes just seeing people's profile pics pop up here, because so many of you radiate that feeling.

Other trans people seem to evoke this feeling of disgust in me, which I know is wrong but I can't help it. I'm not sure what it is exactly - I think it might be because they're trying too hard to be feminine and it comes across as of somethings "off". It's almost like gay men who "camp it up". I don't think it's about people passing or not exactly, because I've felt that warmth radiate from someone who just looked like a man wearing a dress.

Anyway, how does one overcome internalised transphobia, and stop worrying that everyone thinks trans people are freaks!

[Asche]

My internalized transphobia probably wasn't as strong as yours, but what I did was to find trans support groups so I could see and maybe get to know some trans people.  At the beginning, some of the people I met did, in fact, squick me, but as I got to know them, the things that repulsed me at the beginning just became how they are.  Sort of like meeting someone with a wooden leg.

It also helped that I got more comfortable with going out and about while visibly trans.  I go out dressed in a feminine way, despite the fact that many people probably don't even see me as female, and have gotten used to it.  I was out with a trans friend of mine who later said, you know, people were looking at you and having double-takes.  I never noticed it and when she told me, my reaction was: meh.  As long as they don't harrass me or throw me out (which has never happened), let them look.  Hey, they should be grateful I made their otherwise boring day more interesting!

[suzifrommd]

Anyway, how does one overcome internalised transphobia, and stop worrying that everyone thinks trans people are freaks!

I did it by educating myself and then making it a mission to educate others who we are and why we do what we do.

[Kylo]

After three and a half decades of getting to know life and other people... everyone I've ever met and got to know well enough to know the real them is freaky in some way. Maybe it's not visible, but ain't none of them perfect, that's for sure. Everyone is in some ways a little broken. Everyone has demons and issues.

It was quite easy for me because I'd spent my entire life being an outcast for other reasons like social difficulty and social anxiety or possibly even mild autistic spectrum problems... finding ways to overcome the obstacles and be as good at things as everyone else when I started life far behind them at the starting line. When the trans realization hit, it was just another obstacle to leave in the dust. I didn't have any internalized transphobia since I always accepted I was not "like everyone else" and it'd ceased to be a big deal to me that I wasn't perfect, nor "like everyone else".

[Tessa James]

I was also one of those with a too long, shame based, sense of internalized transphobia.  Even after meeting and knowing other trans people I still could not accept it for myself.  I had a hundred internal putdowns from freak to alien invader and slowly evolved as an androgynous sort of person.  I had every clue and reasons to connect the dots but stubbornly held on to the man act lest I lose something important.  I did not transition during my working career and so admire those who do.  Instead i dithered for decades and privately cried myself to sleep.  My dysphoria and shadow self just became more insistent on coming out.

I let my fears rule my life and allowed those fears to become magnified in isolation.  After beginning therapy with an experienced gender counselor the lights came on and i felt thunderstruck by the feelings of being RIGHT and accepting myself as transgender.  I came out soon after and well before HRT with the only significant regret being I had not started sooner.  I was soooo wrong!  I really lost nothing and felt tremendous relief and great support.

Initially I was troubled by the narratives that once suggested a linear course for transition to a binary and polar gender.  I tried to fit myself into that box and quickly tossed it aside.  Transgender yes but there a million cool ways to be trans.  I have been part of the LGBT world all my life and it can still take me a moment to look beyond appearances and find the person inside.  We are worth that effort.

I now see transition not so much as MtF but a journey to become my most authentic self.  Exposure to diversity is what I most heartily recommend.  It has become much easier to celebrate the queer and freaky in myself and all around this beautiful world.

[windlep]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

I've felt this way about other aspects of myself - being gay and having Aspergers. I even stopped attending my AS social support group because I didn't want to be seen as "one of those people". I know it's an awful way to be but I'm trying to change it.  I think I'm like this partially because of aspergers and partially because of my parents.

My AS makes me see things in black and white (good vs evil, normal vs freak) and makes me a perfectionist (perfect=good, imperfect = bad).  I was raised Christian, so "perfect=a straight, cis man who marries a woman".

My parents believe I'm their miracle child, given to them to God after doctors said they would have trouble conceiving. They told me from a young age that I'm supposed to be special and destined for greatest. Well I guess I took it to heart, and I have trouble dealing with the fact I'll never live up to those expectations, at least not in terms that they'd be comfortable with. I'm guessing being a trans person wasn't what my parents had in mind for me.

I'm not sure how to change it but I've taken up mindfulness meditation, as it's supposed to help cultivate compassion and empathy towards others and help you to be less judgemental.

[Tamika Olivia]

Personally, I own and embrace the fact that I'm a freak. Freak is a noun indicating divergence from some sort of norm. I, as a trans person, deviate from the norm of harmony between birth gender assignment and gender identity. There's nothing wrong or shameful about deviating from that norm, and we shouldn't be maltreated or deprived of rights because of it. If someone tries that nonsense, they are to be pitied and challenged.

And the fun, hidden truth of the "normal" world is that it doesn't actually exist. Everyone deviates from the standard in some way, no one is normal across all metrics... and if they were, that would be abnormal. We're all, all people, freaks, and the sooner we stop trying to live up to some imaginary "normal person" standard, the happier we'll all be. I got handed my "trans" card, and it felt really freeing. I get to opt out of the normalcy race, and just work on making me happy.

That's how I deal with it.

[Amoré]

I've also noticed that my transphobic feelings are triggered when I see certain kinds of trans people but not others. Some trans people seem to radiate warmth and happiness, probably because they can finally be themselves, and that makes me feel better about myself.  I feel better sometimes just seeing people's profile pics pop up here, because so many of you radiate that feeling.

Other trans people seem to evoke this feeling of disgust in me, which I know is wrong but I can't help it. I'm not sure what it is exactly - I think it might be because they're trying too hard to be feminine and it comes across as of somethings "off". It's almost like gay men who "camp it up". I don't think it's about people passing or not exactly, because I've felt that warmth radiate from someone who just looked like a man wearing a dress.

Anyway, how does one overcome internalised transphobia, and stop worrying that everyone thinks trans people are freaks!

Hi Windlep

Being trans is not worth dying for. It is just who you are. People that don't get it will never get it and they are sometimes too stubborn or naive to want to understand. Unfortunately this is the world and we can't control it, We can't control what people think or do we can't change their minds. The only persons that can change their minds is themselves.

So I learned a couple of things when I was in rehab the concept is "knowledge and care".

Knowledge and care applies to the other person. What they know about you, your situation your life. Do they know about your life struggle, if you have any health issues. Do they know what it is to be transgender? You get the idea do they have any knowledge about you? Care, well if a person is nasty towards you because you are trans do they really care about you? How you are feeling? What you are going through? Do they really have your best interest at heart?

Knowledge and care comes down to if you can answer yes to both don't care what a person thinks!

Like lets take my brother.

He don't like that I am trans and he does not accept it and would do hate speech and think I am a freak!

Does he care about me of course he does, but does he have my interest at heart or his own? If he had my interest at heart he would have been supportive. I can understand if he may be mad but if he does not want you to transition or be trans for his personal reasons or gain then he don't care.

Why should you care?

Does he have knowledge about you trans struggles does he understand, obviously not!

Why should you care?

I hope this helps a bit

Also don't call yourself a freak by calling yourself a freak you are calling every trans person a freak!

You are calling every person that don't fit the societies box a freak!

You are calling every person that likes something out of the ordinary a freak!

You are unique that what it is society is teaching us from very young that it is wrong to be different, your are wrong to be different. Is a guy without a leg that he lost in an accident a freak? Is a child that has cancer a freak because he is different from everyone else because they don't have cancer and he does? No they are not freaks they are different but they are not freaks!

These people are good people and we are just people please don't drag yourself down that low to call yourself a freak! You are you just be you. You are just a unique product of nature like all of us here pick yourself up be special! Be the special you that you are. Don't try to be someone else just be you.

[windlep]

Thank you, Amore. That's a good way to think about it. If they can't accept I have a genuine medical condition that requires medical treatment, then they don't really care about my wellbeing, so why should I care about them.

Although, I'm honestly more afraid that my parents will have a nervous breakdown, as they've had a lot to deal with as parents - lost a baby, sister can't have children, I have mental problems and aspergers.  They found all that hard to deal with in the sense that they don't want their children to suffer.  Though I guess it's not all bad, my sister has adopted 2 boys and being trans could end in happiness, even if it feels like a hellish nightmare at the moment.

[Qrachel]

When I first realised I was trans, my first thought was "well now I have to kill myself" because I couldn't stand the thought of being, or people thinking, I'm a freak. It was so strong that for months I wouldn't even consider transitioning, all my thoughts were on when I was going to die.

I've also noticed that my transphobic feelings are triggered when I see certain kinds of trans people but not others. Some trans people seem to radiate warmth and happiness, probably because they can finally be themselves, and that makes me feel better about myself.  I feel better sometimes just seeing people's profile pics pop up here, because so many of you radiate that feeling.

Other trans people seem to evoke this feeling of disgust in me, which I know is wrong but I can't help it. I'm not sure what it is exactly - I think it might be because they're trying too hard to be feminine and it comes across as of somethings "off". It's almost like gay men who "camp it up". I don't think it's about people passing or not exactly, because I've felt that warmth radiate from someone who just looked like a man wearing a dress.

Anyway, how does one overcome internalised transphobia, and stop worrying that everyone thinks trans people are freaks!

=================================


OMG!!! This so was me at the beginning of my journey, only I don't think I was nearly as graceful about it as you appear top be.  It took time and a couple bumps along the way before I realized what was going on was my own internal anger due to my repressed homophobia. Once I realized this was all about me, I soon was able to become much more accepting, tolerant and caring of everyone . . . just like the woman I wished I could be!

The point: You aren't unique, start discussing this with a therapist and/or a support group, and you can turn this into one of the most amazing breakthroughs!!!   

Take care and stay in touch,

Rachel

[Wednesday]

Anyway, how does one overcome internalised transphobia, and stop worrying that everyone thinks trans people are freaks!

"The only way I've gotten through it is to accept the freakdom." - Kate Borstein dixit

I share this approach.

When I first realised I was trans, my first thought was "well now I have to kill myself" because I couldn't stand the thought of being, or people thinking, I'm a freak.

When I read this or things like this I just cant help thinking "Aw, its so sad, some people values so poorly theirselves they are just willing to end their lives if society thinks they are freaks, weirdos, valueless people, etc".

So sad to live just to meet others expectations. So sad having no control of your own existence. Your very own existence. Your unique and likely only existence ever!

So sad giving society your own and most precious belonging: your own self. Giving them the power to tamper your decisions, to take away your happiness, to prevent you to take care of your own health.

So sad thinking to be "a freak" means having no value, means having no skills, no intelligence, no wisdom, not being able to do what you want and excel and what you want. So sad an so wrong.

I find the whole picture so scary, so terrible... That for me comes to mind I would prefer one life as a freak over a thousand lifes as a person who puts its own will, well being and health at the disposal of society, of what the others think, of what the others want.

[windlep]

"The only way I've gotten through it is to accept the freakdom." - Kate Borstein dixit

I share this approach.

This reminds me of something Tyrion from Game of Thrones says:

"Let me give you some counsel, bastard. Never forget what you are a bastard, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you."

The question is, how do you make being trans a strength and armour yourself in it.

When I read this or things like this I just cant help thinking "Aw, its so sad, some people values so poorly theirselves they are just willing to end their lives if society thinks they are freaks, weirdos, valueless people, etc".

So sad to live just to meet others expectations. So sad having no control of your own existence. Your very own existence. Your unique and likely only existence ever!

So sad giving society your own and most precious belonging: your own self. Giving them the power to tamper your decisions, to take away your happiness, to prevent you to take care of your own health.

So sad thinking to be "a freak" means having no value, means having no skills, no intelligence, no wisdom, not being able to do what you want and excel and what you want. So sad an so wrong.

I find the whole picture so scary, so terrible... That for me comes to mind I would prefer one life as a freak over a thousand lifes as a person who puts its own will, well being and health at the disposal of society, of what the others think, of what the others want.

Well I'm not sure how to take this. I'm sorry you find my social anxiety sad and pathetic?  Not sure what I can do about it.  If I knew how to stop worrying about what people think of me I would do it.

[Wednesday]

Well I'm not sure how to take this. I'm sorry you find my social anxiety sad and pathetic?

While I was being overly critical, it was not meant to offend you. Sorry.

There's no secret while overcoming anxiety and fears. Expose, think, repeat, analyze... maybe help from other people in your environment? Therapists?

But I think there's no secret really. Just doing it, exposing yourself, asking yourself honestly if your fears and anxieties are well founded. Seeing if they are useful to you or if they are only preventing yourself to be what you want. Exposing yourself again, seeing that nothing happens, seeing there's no pain that cannot be endured, seeing that most times there's no pain at all.

Just understanding that what people says or thinks is not relevant. That you're losing right now much more things by caring about what they say that by doing what they think you shouldn't do.

It's so simple to explain and so hard to do. Just going out, just doing it. Real courage is usually required once. Second time it begins to become an habit.

How people lose fears? Exposing themselves, that easy. You can help it through therapy, meds, rationalizing, mantras... but lately it's just exposing yourself.

"Let me give you some counsel, bastard. Never forget what you are a bastard, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you."

And just as the quote says, when you make something your armor, it can never be throw to you.

[JoanneB]

For starters, being TG is not an immediate sentence to transition. Believing that is a sure way to totally freak yourself out about being TG. TG is a very broad spectrum between cis-female and cis-male.

Now back to the original "Internalized Transphopia" question, as one member of my group put it "Sometimes you reach the point of saying F'it"

Back in my early 20's I twice experimented with transitioning. Both times an utter fail. I never lost that "Some guy in a dress" feeling. Being a walking target much of early life I sure was not going to sign on to being one for life. That decision had no influence on me being transgender. I just resigned myself to being a closeted CD.

Over 20 years I built up some pretty hardened walls, plenty of shame and guilt. Tons of internalized transphobia. Needing to be a chameleon to survive I knew all too well what guys thought when they were allowed to be guys.

Yet none of that even came to mind when 6 years ago I once again walked out in the light day into the real world as the real me. The total joy of those hours washed away decades of shame. It took a lot of working on myself to get there and well worth the rewards on how my life has been completely turned for the better.

A life that I continue to present primarily as male in

[PixilSaturn]

Internalized transphobia is something I deal with myself, so you aren't alone, if anything else remember that others know how you feel and that a lot of them reached a happier state of being, and so will you. *hug*

Being trans comes in so many zany flavors, I had to deal with a lot of "omg this is making me feel weird its like some of them are forcing it" internalized stuff too. At the end of the day they either are just that way (think of every time a cis man or cis woman fits a trope of like.. 'valley girl' or 'gym bro', and realize that kind of 'exaggerated personality' feeling isn't exclusive to trans) or they aren't and they'll figure it out on their own, like anyone hiding behind a mask trying to figure out who they are.

I'll be the first to admit to internalized shame. My brain is a hotbed of activity with it, to the point where no matter what angle I turn on some days I'll be mentally devaluing myself. I'll tell myself I'm just faking it. forcing it. That my brain is broken. And then devalue my neutral state for being "not feminine enough to be trans", then I'll start panicking about being wrong, or telling myself to go back because it was better before (it wasn't. I couldn't look in mirrors because they made me angry. I would get literally panicky and upset about getting my picture taken because I'd have to see it. I had the same clothes for 5+ years and couldn't stay in one store trying on clothes because i hated it, so much. I showered once a week, once every two weeks, because I didn't care. I've put holes in walls and watched myself hit the drink way too hard to be healthy.)

I didn't start this path to become a valley girl, or to start the worlds biggest shoes collection, to go on a "sex in the city"esque shopping spree or ANYTHING like that. It was never about becoming that. I'm actually a nerd who loves drawing, videogames, DnD, and go. I did it because of the reasons mentioned above, and because the idea that maybe... MAYBE things could be better if I had a body I wanted to see in the mirror... That maybe I was able to feel like I was worth showering everyday, or to love myself the way I wanted others to love me. Those ideas stuck in my head like a burr and at least partial transition with hormones was the only path I could find to take me there after years of just trying "dressing up now and then" or "wearing makeup while also wearing guy stuff".

nor did I spend my childhood years endlessly pining for a genderswap; there were a good few instances of being entranced by what the other gender does, but as a kid these feelings felt more natural and my childhood was otherwise unremarkable. Because of these things, because my discoveries came in my adult life, they came after I had a lot of time to sweep things under rugs, to build up walls around "trans" stuff thanks to daytime TV talk shows like Jerry Springer and friendships forged in tasteless humor, and the result was treating everything trans-related (honestly even going to trans help sites, at first) as an "alarm bells" situation that seems somehow "wrong" despite it being no different than seeking help for depression.

Take a deep breath, slowly exhale, and center yourself. You are not alone.