4 Months into HRT: anxiety attacks and other questions

[PixilSaturn]

Hey everyone, first post here, hi...

So i've been on HRT since August of last year, and in november they upped my dose... Since that increase, off and on, I'm having not only major anxiety attacks but the desire to give all this up and run away (which isn't new, I spent years ruminating on this stuff before I did anything about it... constantly trying to compromise my identity, convincing myself it's better to not think about transition)

When I started HRT the first reaction was blessed peace; lowered libido, my brain no longer tore itself apart upon seeing pretty girls (I couldn't tell if I was attracted, or envious, and it kinda meshed together into an awful static) and seeing my reflection, my face slowly getting softer, was making mirrors less my enemy than ever.

But when this doubt creeps in, no matter what proof I could offer my brain that I AM trans, it would counter with just "no, stop this, run away, go back now, wtf are you doing?!" and since my increased dose those moments become such a... PANIC. like a stab of fear. I miss the good feels HRT was giving me. The calm. the serenity.

tied into this... when I get like this, panicy and full of anxiety and fear of continuing, my brain averts itself from anything trans related... I start telling myself "no, don't check out this pro-trans article" or "no, don't read about what's going on in other trans peoples lives for advice", my brain just SHUTS it out. And I feel like all of this is because I have internalized shame and transphobia... and I don't know how to deal with it I feel so close to just giving up and going back to living a life where my emotions felt weirdly stilted, where I was angry and irate all the time... Where things weren't as good as they CAN be on HRT, as good as I've FELT them being...

My counselor is finding an appointment day for me, and I'm going to call my endo in a few hours when his office opens (i've been up all night... work today. hah.) and ask if I should take less, if my heightened dose could be causing this..

But that won't help me with what I feel could be shame... How do I beat this?.. how do I get better?.

[Ms Grace]

Hey PixilSaturn

Welcome to Susan's    Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

It's not uncommon for people to have extreme emotional reactions on HRT. It sounds like some part of you has suddenly clicked with some of the consequences associated with transition and is having a major freak out. It's great that you're seeing both your therapist and endo - especially with your therapist it would be worth looking at what is triggering you and if there are any coping mechanisms you might be able to use.

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Cheers

Grace

[PixilSaturn]

Thank you for your reply. I'm gonna try to stick around this site for a bit, as I am always happy to find places where I can hear that I'm not alone, or the things I'm going through aren't COMPLETELY abnormal. Good friends are hard to come by <3

I hope my counselor can help, she makes sure I understand that she isn't a "gender specific therapist" but I figure if what I'm asking for is help with panic attacks and anxiety, she can help me out.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. My opinion is this should be discussed with both doctors. What you are feeling could be fear or it could be medical and it might be wise for the dosage to be cut back. As you are contacting both doctors, you have everything covered. Your Endo should check your hormone levels and determine if your male hormones have risen as there result of converting female hormones to male hormones or if your female levels have gone above the normal range. If you are in the normal range then you may feel you are moving to fast and a slower approach might be better for you.

[PixilSaturn]

Thank you Dena

I really hope I can get this all sorted out... I'm okay now, instead of laying in bed full of anxiety and panic I got up and cooked a nice breakfast and a cup of coffee... im more relaxed right now. not perfect, and I kinda have to work a 5 hour shift on no sleep (not the first time though, I'll survive!), but I'm off tomorrow so I'll just tough this out and spend sunday doing my best to care for myself.

[Ltl89]

Sorry to hear that you are struggling with anxiety attacks.  I really hope that it dissapates soon. 

As for the doubts, is it because you fear what others will think or is it because you are unsure this is what you want? 

[Rachel]

Welcome to Susan's.

I had a lot of turmoil about stating hrt and the first 3 months on Hrt. I knew in the back of my mind I was doing what I needed to do but becoming myself and having a lot to lose I was anxious. I kept thinking can I have it all? Can I transition and only gain in the transition? Will people accept me? I chose to transition at my own speed and take one  step at a time. I have had a gender therapist the whole way. I go to group and I am in the community. If you have anxiety it is good to see a therapist and work on the cause. Also, seeing the medical professionals is good too.

I had difficulty accepting myself and being proud of who I am. When the voice enters into my head, when I am expanding my experiences, I say to myself, I am a transsexual and I am a good person. This helps me; because I can only think one thought at a time so it silences the thoughts that come from fear and allows thoughts that come from strength.

I will share with you some of the things I discussed with my therapist Thursday. I scheduled GCS and I will have a BA at that time. I have an appointment to see Dr. Spiegel for FFS and VFS and after I will have some hair transplanted. Having hair transplanted is very welcomed and I have no anxiety or concern. GCS is unseen by others and is the #1 procedure I need and just has to happen. Again no anxiety about others (fear about the pain and bein out of work). The FFS, VFS and BA is causing some anxiety because others will see the result of the work and may judge me. I actually said to her. I have had good acceptance from others so far so I have a good track record to base how people will react. Although the procedures are much more of a change then the preceding changes the proceeding changes gave me a good measure of what to expect on  how others will react and treat me.

[Laura_7]

if your male hormones have risen as there result of converting female hormones to male hormones

This is not the case.
There is only the aromatase pathway from testosterone to estrogen ...
its not a two way street.


OP hope you get better soon.
Could there have been a problem with the anti androgens ?
Different meds possibly like a generic ?


hugs