Is this the death of my marriage

[Amoré]

I had a dream about her last night where we are still in love.I am very emotional today I miss that lovely person that I married like crazy I don't know where that person went too because she turned into this person I don't know. I am so heartbroken today I just want to cry.

Hope you guys have a better day

[Sharon Anne McC]

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Amore:

I followed your other thread with sadness for you.

Abuse and failed marriages are nothing new until they happen to ones-self.  You went in 'for better or worse' with a partner whose vow was 'for better, but I'm getting' out if things go worse'.

Relationships and marriage require both partners to work toward your common goal.  Your prior thread and your current thread speak of you working toward your goal seeking to sustain your marriage and partnership while your wife's goal is it dissolution.  There is no common goal in your marriage.

With that in mind, you have many questions to answer.  Why would anyone want to remain the abused member of any relationship?  What does she do that you can't do for your self-worth?

As I see your situation, her desire for divorce may include your personal concern, but she has other reasons known to herself but not to you.  She is using you as her excuse for her failure in your marriage.

Yeh, divorce must hurt.  I can empathise though my experience in divorce is as a child rather than a marriage partner.  As a child, it was actually a relief that my parents divorced and had little to do with each other thereafter.  Please do not feel bad that you broke your child's home.  It was broke long before now and, as you describe it, you had little negative to do with it.

Good for you; continue your transition to the extent you desire.  Find what works for you and make that your focus.  '... Won't transition if my wife is willing to cooperate' - your transition is not something negotiable except to your own self, not to her.

I am of the opinion that your transition will not 'damage' your child.  A young child can adapt to however you and your child define your new identity.  Your legal counsel will fight for your right to whatever custody or visitation arrangements you choose.  Fight for full custody if that is what you think must be done.

I have seen your pictures and you do have the looks.  You are very cute and attractive.

As with many of life's issues, looking ahead at your doubts appears far worse than looking behind at your accomplishments.

My best wishes to you and your child.

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[warlockmaker]

I have read some of your post but have hesitated to respond as you already have so much good advice. I also have a similar situation. As an Alpha male I was dominating and ruthless, HRT changed my perspective and my wife who had been compliant became the dominant one. I have a 14 year old daughter who is the love of my life and she convinced me that how my daughter receives the news if my being TG depended on her. Thus, over the last 2 years I have been the one who has giving in to her whims.

My therapist kept telling me she was abusive and that my daughter should be told asap. With only 2 plus week before my surgery I told her and her acceptance was amazing . This has taken my wife by suprise. She has recently been much nicer. It's really hard for me the end our relationship and we have agree to stay married and be companions to each other. I will see how thus works out in the months the following my surgery.

We each have to take this hard choice, maybe I'm taking the cowards way out but it has worked for me. Wish you good luck.

[Amoré]

I wish my wife was a little more forgiving about me being transgender in the relationship. Even if I don't transition she feels like she have to walk on eggshells around me and this is not true the only time when my wife triggered my dysphoria was when she was breast feeding my child and when I saw the pictures of her bridal party. Where I hated my one because it just was not for me I was disgusted. She never really triggered that big envy in me. Maybe because I am used to her I don't know my wife is not the girly girl make herself beautiful type. Maybe because she don't wear dresses or makeup.

This is a major plus but other beautiful woman will trigger me. I learned to cope or suppress it. I will call it what it is in the end my marriage in the state it is making me miserable I am so miserable and hopeless I can't see a marriage or any hope really without some miracle. She is a wonderful friend still and she will support me in my transition if I decide to do it(well I will definitely do it after divorce) although it wont make her happy and is not her preference. I must look after my happiness then because she got what made her happy.

I am tired of riding a roller coaster and the scary part is once this thing stopped and she said I applied for divorce it was devastating of what this means and it shattered all my dreams hopes and plans I once had with spending my life with this person. But it was also relieving. I felt if the clutches of manipulation was lifted from me. It means a vision of freedom was in sight.

She is now reconsidering divorce as far as I know but once you get to this point is there really anything you can do to save it and to what personal cost. I don't know if I am really fed up riding the roller coaster or am I just scared of repeating history will the past ever be dropped and everything be okay. I know the price I pay is steep to be with my child and her then. I just don't know if it is worth getting back on that bus anymore. I am putting the choice in her hands again because she must stop the divorce.

I really don't know 

[SamKelley]

Hi Amoré it's nice to meet you.

It sounds like you've had an issue there before you started transitioning. Your posts have resounded pretty hard with what I've been going through. I've separated from my wife a few weeks ago because she can't support my transition - for which I can't blame her. I also tried to stop transitioning for my wife's sake and spiralled immediately into deep depression and self-harm. I've also never had that envy with my wife, which is probably one reason why it's worked.

I love my wife, but I've accepted that we're growing in different directions. We started out as individuals in a relationship and supporting each others' growth as individuals... Over the years our relationship has become co-dependent. In co-dependence, one or both partners define their identity by who the other person is. Since ->-bleeped-<- is an issue of one's own identity, it can be very hard on the partner in a co-dependent relationship... When one person changes, the other tries to prevent it using control... The problem may be she doesn't know who she is without you being the old you. Be as gentle as you can, that may take some time for her to re-define herself.

Threats about restricting custody aren't useful or in the best interest of your child. In Australia, courts have already ruled that transgendered people can't be restricted access to their child because they are transgender - that's discrimination.

I also don't agree the divorce is your responsibility, it's far more complicated than that and that's a very unfair statement.

So sorry to hear you're going through this

xox
Sami

[Amoré]

Hi Amoré it's nice to meet you.

It sounds like you've had an issue there before you started transitioning. Your posts have resounded pretty hard with what I've been going through. I've separated from my wife a few weeks ago because she can't support my transition - for which I can't blame her. I also tried to stop transitioning for my wife's sake and spiralled immediately into deep depression and self-harm. I've also never had that envy with my wife, which is probably one reason why it's worked.

I love my wife, but I've accepted that we're growing in different directions. We started out as individuals in a relationship and supporting each others' growth as individuals... Over the years our relationship has become co-dependent. In co-dependence, one or both partners define their identity by who the other person is. Since ->-bleeped-<- is an issue of one's own identity, it can be very hard on the partner in a co-dependent relationship... When one person changes, the other tries to prevent it using control... The problem may be she doesn't know who she is without you being the old you. Be as gentle as you can, that may take some time for her to re-define herself.

Threats about restricting custody aren't useful or in the best interest of your child. In Australia, courts have already ruled that transgendered people can't be restricted access to their child because they are transgender - that's discrimination.

I also don't agree the divorce is your responsibility, it's far more complicated than that and that's a very unfair statement.

So sorry to hear you're going through this

xox
Sami

Thank you Sami

Me and my wife also have or had a co-dependent relationship. That is what my therapist told me she sees me as an extension of herself so she judges her self worth and view of self on what I am and who I am. The problem is once I came out and came out to the whole family and friends they started getting judgmental and was not so accepting in the beginning.She might have viewed herself as less because of this.

I really wish I could fix it in a way but I can't force her to stay. I really still love her. But I am going to have to leave also.

[SamKelley]

Thank you Sami

Me and my wife also have or had a co-dependent relationship. That is what my therapist told me she sees me as an extension of herself so she judges her self worth and view of self on what I am and who I am. The problem is once I came out and came out to the whole family and friends they started getting judgmental and was not so accepting in the beginning.She might have viewed herself as less because of this.

I really wish I could fix it in a way but I can't force her to stay. I really still love her. But I am going to have to leave also.

Based on my own experiences, which I'm thinking how much I see similar in what you've gone through, I think our therapists are right. Yes my friends have been extremely accepting - though they don't understand necessarily... My wife's family and friends I feel like they're against me.

You look amazing btw!

*hugs*
Sami

[Amoré]

My wife is and was my only girlfriend that I had in high school I did not really date as I knew what I wanted to be and what I was. I never really had to cope with a breakup. I never knew what it was to love someone and really love them. This is my first time having to cope with a breakup. 

It is my first time that I have to sit with this pain. I think I am coping alright.

I know the pain will pass with time and it will heal. But for now I am only trying to make it through each day.

I sometimes miss her a lot but I know the person I will find is not the wife I know it is someone else.
I don't feel like it is me that really changed but rather she changed.

Thank you for all you guys support for those who are divorced or separated how did you work through it if it was not you choice and you did not want to divorce and you still love that person.

[Ritana]

I feel bad for breaking up my child's home it is not fair towards her. But you can't work with someone who won't cooperate. That can't admit to being guilty or doing anything wrong. It won't work out with someone like that I will agree

It is best for a child to grow up with divorced parents then growing up in a constant war zone.

[Rachel]

This summer my wife and I went to marriage counselling. 30 minutes in the counsellor said we should divorce. My temporary therapist, after I explained the situation said we should divorce. My therapist said we should divorce. I was in a lot of pain and I would have accepted a really bad and abusive relationship. I went full time and my wife called a lawyer for divorce.

Ok, It had been 6 months since we saw the marriage counselor. I understand and agree it is the best path forward for both of us. I keep that in my mind. My 18 year old daughter said we should have done this 2 years ago (that was 6 months ago).

I had to stop living in the past memories and think about the future.

[Amoré]

This summer my wife and I went to marriage counselling. 30 minutes in the counsellor said we should divorce. My temporary therapist, after I explained the situation said we should divorce. My therapist said we should divorce. I was in a lot of pain and I would have accepted a really bad and abusive relationship. I went full time and my wife called a lawyer for divorce.

Ok, It had been 6 months since we saw the marriage counselor. I understand and agree it is the best path forward for both of us. I keep that in my mind. My 18 year old daughter said we should have done this 2 years ago (that was 6 months ago).

I had to stop living in the past memories and think about the future.

I can relate with this

I was told also that my marriage is dead and we haven't got a marriage anymore by my psychiatrist and psychologist. Her advice was that we should start a new dynamic in the marriage of we want to stay together because what we are doing is not working. I offered a new dynamic to my wife and said things is going to have to change.

Because I think like a woman or I think I do I can understand finding my husband if I was a woman telling me he wants to be a woman. It will rip my world apart because he is my husband. I married him and fell in love with him as my husband.  He is gone he is going to be a she. I can emphasise with her on this.

I want her to be happy that is all. For her she lost her husband he is dead. That is unfortunately how she views it the person walking around is Amoray that is wearing the body of her husband. She says Amoray is the B that killed her husband. This is the thing that people don't get Amoray is not a different identity I am who I am the whole time I don't want to be someone else that is why they call it matching the outside to suit the inside because you can't change the inside! I don't believe that you kill of your male self and things like that. Sorry if I am offending someone. Amoray is just a name. I am who I am it does not mean if I transition I am a different person I don't want to take on a different identity I am just who I am I just fixed the problem that was my body does not fit what my brain is telling me I am.

This pisses me of if family and friends and my wife is telling me you lied to us about who you are. I lied about what that my body does not fit to my identity? I did not lie about anything I'm not a different person I haven't got two different people in this body. No one was killed! I don't want to be someone else that is what people don't get about being trans. We don't want to be a different person we just want to be who we are. If I choose to be a happy transgender woman in a male body then I am happy. If I choose to change my body to fit my female identity then I am a woman with a female body. It does not make me any less transgender. This is what I am at peace with I am happy with what I have to work with. I don't let it define me. I know people outside view your identity with what you express. That is the silly part about it. They see a male so they think I am a male well I understand that fully no problem I don't get mad at them anymore.

I don't feel like I have to transition anymore. Transition will be a choice. I don't know if it will ramp up again and drop me to the floor at its mercy. I understand from other peoples experience that this is the case as you get older.

All I know for now I am strong enough to make it a choice.

[Rachel]

I am a different person than I was December 2012. I know what I need to do and I am doing what I need to do. It is difficult and there has been loss. I am gaining too. I realize without a doubt who I am and I will be myself. I had a choice and I chose to live and be me. It may sound easy but it has been by far the most difficult thing I have ever done.

The turning point was a meeting I had with my boss and HR. My boss had stalled in letting me come out at work. I finally had enough and spoke up, rather bluntly. I asked him when can I be myself. You get to be yourself and she gets to be herself so when can I be myself? He said fine. Later in a private meeting he said he had a difficult time with me coming out, he finally said go ahead. I scheduled the coming out date with HR.

Since I have made my decision and scheduled appointments and procedures I have yet to become suicidal. Contrary, I have been happy. I still get dysphoria but I am not thinking suicide.

For me, transition was something I had to do.

[CarlyMcx]

My wife is and was my only girlfriend that I had in high school I did not really date as I knew what I wanted to be and what I was. I never really had to cope with a breakup. I never knew what it was to love someone and really love them. This is my first time having to cope with a breakup. 

It is my first time that I have to sit with this pain. I think I am coping alright.

I know the pain will pass with time and it will heal. But for now I am only trying to make it through each day.

I sometimes miss her a lot but I know the person I will find is not the wife I know it is someone else.
I don't feel like it is me that really changed but rather she changed.

Thank you for all you guys support for those who are divorced or separated how did you work through it if it was not you choice and you did not want to divorce and you still love that person.

I did not know that you and your wife were high school sweethearts.  This, together with your dysfunctional childhood, explains why you are so powerfully attached to your wife, and so unable to break that attachment.

Back in high school, growing up sharing a room with a mentally ill brother, and living under two parents who were in denial about my brother and didn't love me, I wanted more than anything to be the guy who had the girlfriend, the guy who seemed to have it all.

I suffered horrible loneliness as a teenager, and finally at around 20 years old I learned to fill it with close guy friends, always geeky guys who had interests in common with me.

After law school I finally found and  married a beautiful girl I was head over heels in love with (At least I thought I was).  Six years, two stepkids and one kid later, she started cheating on me, and by the end of year eight, it was over.

What did I do?  I went back to my guy friends.  There is a saying -- when you go through a  divorce, you really learn who your friends are.  I get the feeling that your wife was/is your whole world.  Correct me if I am wrong, but I am guessing that you do not have any close real life friends around to talk to.  And this is what you need and this is how you get through it.  You have all of us, but you also need some real life people near you.  So, time to head down to the local LGBT center, or work the web as hard as you can to find open minded folks who will like you for who you are, or go do volunteer work, or whatever you need to do.

You cannot get your wife to believe in you no matter what you do.  But you can find friends who will, and we here are proof of that.  So go do it.

[Amoré]

I did not know that you and your wife were high school sweethearts.  This, together with your dysfunctional childhood, explains why you are so powerfully attached to your wife, and so unable to break that attachment.

Back in high school, growing up sharing a room with a mentally ill brother, and living under two parents who were in denial about my brother and didn't love me, I wanted more than anything to be the guy who had the girlfriend, the guy who seemed to have it all.

I suffered horrible loneliness as a teenager, and finally at around 20 years old I learned to fill it with close guy friends, always geeky guys who had interests in common with me.

After law school I finally found and  married a beautiful girl I was head over heels in love with (At least I thought I was).  Six years, two stepkids and one kid later, she started cheating on me, and by the end of year eight, it was over.

What did I do?  I went back to my guy friends.  There is a saying -- when you go through a  divorce, you really learn who your friends are.  I get the feeling that your wife was/is your whole world.  Correct me if I am wrong, but I am guessing that you do not have any close real life friends around to talk to.  And this is what you need and this is how you get through it.  You have all of us, but you also need some real life people near you.  So, time to head down to the local LGBT center, or work the web as hard as you can to find open minded folks who will like you for who you are, or go do volunteer work, or whatever you need to do.

You cannot get your wife to believe in you no matter what you do.  But you can find friends who will, and we here are proof of that.  So go do it.

For the last year I did not have any close friends and my only real close friend is 3 hours drive away. His girlfriend is a real sweetheart and she offered to take me under her wing and listen and help where she can and teach me the ropes of being a girl. They are looking at moving to the city where I stay so that will be wonderful. She said she needed a new bff and she is studying psychology. So she is very understanding also. My friend is accepting he says as long as I keep on flying rc helicopters with him But they are wonderful people. I broke of contact with him because I was scared of losing him but realised I would have had someone to speak to if I did not.

[Amoré]

Well I found out today that she thought I am going to stay a man for the rest of my life and that I dropped being transgender and that I decided I want to be a man. As if! So she thought,o I am going to divorce him he is going to go on with his life as a man my daughter is going to be happy because she is going to have a dad and I can go on and don't have to explain to everyone why I left my husband and that he is a woman now.Everything worked out just like I want it I am in control.  Is this really what she thought. WOW 

Guess what babe


I left my hormones because I wanted to save my marriage and stay a man in my marriage not out of it. She got mad at me and told me I just know what buttons to push.

So do she really think I would walk out of a marriage and be content and happy as a man while I am in fact transgender and identify as female. That because I got my gd under control I am not going to choose to fix my body to match my gender identity.

That she can go on with her life happy and be happy with whatever makes her happy and I must walk around a divorced person with gd and be happy that I got divorced because I have gd but I am not allowed to do anything about it.

uuuummmmm


So she felt it is save to divorce me because I decided I want to be a man?
She felt that she can divorce me and I must stay a man?
She is choosing her happiness over everything else now she wants to get mad because I am choosing my happiness and a life where I can be who I want to be.

I explained to her that I had to roads two happiness one in my marriage that made me happy I where I am fine being a man and where I am committed to being a man. That is my place in the marriage that is the only place where I belong as a man and will sacrifice my womanhood for. Take away my marriage you are leaving me no choice but to pursue my own happiness becoming my authentic self. Changing my body to be me and be who I am in my next relationship.

I don't know if I will have sex pre-op it would be weird it will feel gay for me. I really will get srs I must have that part to feel complete I don't want to be a woman with a penis if I look in the mirror without clothes. That is only me.

So do I really want to stay with a woman that is just going to stay with me so that I don't transition. No way!

So I am going to start hrt tomorrow morning 

No take backs!!!!!!!

[WorkingOnThomas]

Good for you, Amoré.

Best wishes,

Thomas