I lost the person I love the most

[Amoré]

How can a person you love so much like your wife change so much if you come out with having dysphoria.
I went to my therapist yesterday and we talked about this also my therapist advised me to stop resisting divorce and stop resisting transition. Well long story short I went home I saw her and I thought I am going to speak to her because I want to know why do I have to move out end of the month. I can't imagine how life is going to be without my little girl everyday.

I had a lot of questions to ask her a lot of things I wanted to know. I approached her gently and politely started conversation. She did not like it at al and started getting rood and stuff. Later she started getting emotional abusive again and said stuff that really hurt like I don't know how to raise children and I and I am a bad parent. She told me I must go get another wife make another child and be a family with them. This tore me apart.

I could not take the emotional abuse anymore so I packed my bags and left to go and stay with my mother. I did not make it far then I started to have a real bad anxiety attach and turned around in the fear of hurting other people. I barely made it into the driveway of the house when I passed out.

I remember waking up and thinking what happened am I alive. Well I was back. I then went to speak to her and tell her that I am sorry and told her that she must take responsibility for her abusivenes. Well that did not go like planned. She ended up strangling me in front of my child and punched me in the stomach. She went down stairs as my child started crying she kept on screaming and swearing at me. When she came up she strangled me again and as I walked backwards the bed was behind me. I fell on the bed and she jumped on me and started hammering away at my face.

The scary part after all this she went down stairs sat with her cousin and chatted and joked and she made as if nothing happened.

I am torn apart this morning I could not sleep last night. Where is my wife in that body because the woman that I see is not my wife that is someone I really don't know. Somewhere something happened that took the person I love away. Whether it was because I came out to her and expected a loving wife that will accept me and she did not. I really don't know where the turning point was. All I know the woman that I loved is gone and replaced with this person. This person I must trust to raise my child.

The funny thing is she could not take responsibility for lifting her hands for me also it was my own fault according to her.

As I am sitting here I think the thing that is feeling worse than my face is my heart. I mourn the woman that I loved! She was a passionate beautiful person.We shared hopes and dreams and all was taken away in a heartbeat. I mourn the loss of my wife and my marriage as this is not a possibility anymore.

I think in my mind I walked away from it all,I know it is over and I know I must transition but my heart still loves a woman that is gone and a life that we had together. I know it is no more all those things are gone. I must try and not waste so much of my energy on this woman and my divorce anymore.

This was never a marriage a marriage is two people giving equally living in harmony,this is a dictatorship.

My therapist told me that I would never be happy until the day I transition and become my true self. Well maybe she is right about it. Also that if I don't transition my next relationship is just going to be a repeat of this one.The most difficult thing I had to do in my life was leave get in my car and leave and I screwed it up I am back here and now I must do it all over again.

All I can do is try to find strength and courage somewhere in this weak time and leave. Cut the cord and leave it will be the hardest thing to do in life it will be one of the worst days of my life but maybe it will get better after that. Maybe I will transition into a beautiful woman that will be loving funny and full of life and leave this miserable male identity behind. My therapist told me then my child will know the real me.Well I hope Amoray is better than this sack of sadness.

I can't deny who I am anymore I am not a man I will never be I must stop trying because life is starting to make it very very difficult for me to stay a man. Not my gd itself but life is pushing me in the direction of becoming a woman. Becoming the real me.

[CarlyMcx]

You need to do two things at this point:  1)  Never stay under the same roof with your wife again; and 2)  See a lawyer immediately.

[Ritana]

You still seem to be in a certain denial. To.me it seems it's over. You need to get over it and get yourself a good lawyer. Also, get a letter from.your therapist that you have gender dysphoria - a recognised condition that is treatable. Part of the treatment is HRT and presenting as a female. There's no doubt she is going to use your gd against you.

My advice: Stop crying and start acting!

[FTMDiaries]

Amoré, if your wife physically assaulted and strangled you - in front of your child, no less - you must file a police report immediately. Please, go straight to a police station right now and file a complaint against her. Especially if you have any bruises or marks from where she hurt you. It's vital that you get as much evidence in your favour as you can, because it sounds like your wife is trying to bully you and she hopes to get everything out of your marriage (and leave you with nothing), so the more evidence you can gather the more difficult it is for her to succeed.

This is EXACTLY the sort of evidence you need to strengthen your case to either gain full custody of your child (which your wife just made much more likely by attacking you!) or to at least maintain contact. It'll definitely help you get a better outcome in the divorce.

Ask the police to help you get a Protection Order against her. You can apply for an interim Protection Order straight away at your nearest Magistrate's Court or High Court. You just have to fill in a form, and they'll give you a date to come back & have the case heard.

Then as soon as you leave the cop shop, go straight to a lawyer. Explain your situation in full, and ask them to help. You can contact FAMSA or Legal Aid South Africa, who can be very helpful if you have limited funds. Even talking to a lawyer on the phone to get things started will help. Please mention the physical, emotional and any other abuse you're suffering.

Who's the unfit parent? A woman who's struggling with a genuine medical condition but is otherwise a great parent (I presume), or the other woman who is unhinged enough to strangle & beat her spouse in front of the kid? I think we all know the answer to that question - and if you gather enough evidence & get a good lawyer, the judge will see it too.

Please, act quickly. Get a case number from the cops, take this info to a lawyer, and use this to protect yourself from your wife's little schemes.

I'm so sorry she's doing this to you. Some people can respond horribly when we come out - my 'husband' did the same thing, also threatening to kick me out & take my kids away from me. I certainly didn't let him get away with it... please don't let your wife get away with it either.

[Amoré]

You still seem to be in a certain denial. To.me it seems it's over. You need to get over it and get yourself a good lawyer. Also, get a letter from.your therapist that you have gender dysphoria - a recognised condition that is treatable. Part of the treatment is HRT and presenting as a female. There's no doubt she is going to use your gd against you.

My advice: Stop crying and start acting!

I guess I am in denial. I am currently back on hrt and it is affecting my moods and emotions. She will be using my gd against me and the fact that I can only go and live with my mother makes custody diffcult also I am unemployed at this stage.

so she got the financial stability to take care of my child I really got nothing I can do I am backed into a corner

[Ritana]

Oh dear, I am so sorry to hear you are jobless!! That does make things more difficult; however, you have to be strong and explore every single possibility.

[Amoré]

Oh dear, I am so sorry to hear you are jobless!! That does make things more difficult; however, you have to be strong and explore every single possibility.

I went for an interview last week friday I am still waiting for feedback. Like my therapist told me I must stop resisting and I am really struggling not to resist. How do you just let it be this is my marriage I am talking about.

I know I have to let go of some things I love to make space for better things but how can it be better than what I had. Why should gd skrew up our lifes we did not ask for it we are just human and deserve a chance to be happy and keep our loved ones.

So I am quite bitter at this stage I am taking m hrt each morning because I know I have too. I only started again because I know in a part of me the marriage is over but I will stop in a heartbeat to try again at my marriage.

[FTMDiaries]

Like my therapist told me I must stop resisting and I am really struggling not to resist. How do you just let it be this is my marriage I am talking about.

I won't lie and say that it's easy. Next month will be my 19th wedding anniversary (we're separated but not yet divorced due to financial reasons) so when my husband did the same thing to me, he was throwing away 16 years of marriage. I was devastated to say the least, but that was three years ago and I'm so over that idiot now it's unreal. It's a very painful thing to come to terms with but it does get better, with time. It took me several months to stop feeling raw, and then I realised how far beneath me my ex really is and I'm much better off without him raining on my parade.

Right now you're in the painful stage of still loving your wife and wanting your marriage to continue, and it will take time for you to accept that it can't continue. Remember: it's not just your marriage - it's her marriage too. Marriage has to be by mutual agreement and for your mutual benefit and sadly, if either party wants it to end then it simply cannot continue. She clearly doesn't want it to continue: anyone who can throttle their spouse is clearly so full of bitterness and anger that their love has gone.

You can't make anyone else love you (unfortunately) so if she's got to this stage then there's nothing you can do to make things the way they were. Even stopping your transition in the hopes of winning her back will not work, because she's gone too far the other way. And this is not your fault; it's a decision she's made for herself.

It's hard to come to terms with, but you can move through this pain and come out the other side much stronger, and I daresay much happier without the abuse and harassment you're currently suffering.

Don't worry too much about your employment situation affecting custody: divorce takes several months (or even a couple of years) to finalise in the courts, and you're likely to be employed and in a much better position by then. Just do whatever you can to keep yourself and your child safe for now.

[Amoré]

I love my wife I really do I don't know if her bitterness destroyed her. It is painful I will agree and it hurts like hell I can't see anyone else in my life except her I can't imagine a life in the future without her and someone else taking her place. I don't know why it became so violent and out of hand. I know she grew up in an abusive household so maybe she is just doing what she knows. It is not just my marriage you are right I can't force her to stay. She made her choice for herself and there may be nothing I can do about it. It sucks, I tried!

I am begging her each day for a chance like a pathetic loser to stay with me so that we can fix it. She only turns violent so clearly she does not want to stay. For her it is over there is no more marriage and I am dead to her. I grew up with divorced parents and it sucks christmas still gets to me believe me. When I walk into my fathers house and another woman is sitting in my mothers place. It breaks my heart and I don't want this for my child truly I would give my life that my child don't have to experience this.

So what is left but just not resisting this thing anymore. If you resist you get stabbed with a knife in the heart again. Is becoming the woman that I am supposed to be the only option left? Am I not meant to have loved and married this woman in the first place and it was destined to come to this point because I am transgender and a woman inside. Does this make us incompatible. Because she is heterosexual and even if I stay in a male body it is still lesbean?

I am bisexual so I don't mind but was it unfair of me to put her in this situation. If I knew better I would have transitioned early after school and never married and saved all this hurt and loving someone so much that you feel as if you want to die without that person. I can literally feel how I am being torn apart on the inside everything is tense I can't sleep I can't eat I only want to cry and feel if I am dying more and more every second of the day.

There is nothing that can compare with this except death really! It feels like death of that person in your life and her ghost is walking around to remind you of everything you where did how you love her held her in your arms looked deep in her eyes and said I love you. How she were your everything. How you made love and will the next person be compared with you. Vacations, happy times, our wedding day! This all is like a tornado in me filled with pieces of glass tearing me apart.

This is incomparable to anything in life I ever experienced. But the more you hold on the more it hurts. Letting go is something of a different monster.

[stephaniec]

If you don't mind me asking is this still a question of whether are not your willing to give up transitioning to stay married or is it just beyond that point.

[FTMDiaries]

Ja, it hurts like crazy right now - and the only thing that will help make it better is time. But it does get better, I promise you.

Another thing that might help will be for you to start reframing some of your past experiences in light of what you know now. You mention that you should've transitioned straight out of high school to avoid this pain. I should've done the same, but I simply wasn't ready yet. And if I had done so, I wouldn't have my two wonderful daughters at all. In fact, I probably would've been childless and that would've broken my heart because my desire to have kids was so strong that it made me put off my transition until much later. We might not be in the ideal situation, but we've made the decisions we've made and all we can do now is move forwards.

So here's a couple of things I'd like you to think about, if you can:

I can't see anyone else in my life except her I can't imagine a life in the future without her and someone else taking her place.

Of course you can't, sweetie - your heart is still fully invested in your marriage because this break-up wasn't your idea; it's being forced on you. But in a year's time, you'll have a very different perspective on things. Right now, all you can do is take it one day at a time until it gradually gets better.

I don't know why it became so violent and out of hand. I know she grew up in an abusive household so maybe she is just doing what she knows.

Growing up in an abusive household is no excuse for being abusive & violent yourself. Whether you abuse or attack your spouse is a personal choice that each individual must make, and your wife has made a conscious decision to lash out violently. I also grew up in an abusive household, and I made a conscious decision to never repeat the behaviour I saw growing up. She could make that same decision, but she has chosen not to. That's very unfortunate, but you can't make her change; the only thing you can do is to get yourself and your child away from her as soon as humanly possible (perhaps with your mother's help?).

I am begging her each day for a chance like a pathetic loser to stay with me so that we can fix it.

This empowers her, and makes her think she holds all the cards and will decide who gets what in the divorce. I recommend you stop asking her to stay, and just start making plans for your & your child's future. That'll show her she doesn't have you under her thumb (and that she can't presume she's getting custody), and if there's any chance of her staying she'll make the right moves at that point.

She only turns violent so clearly she does not want to stay.

Exactly. But you must keep notes and report to the police every single incident when she's violent towards you. It's necessary for you to build your case if you want to maximise what you get out of this marriage, especially if she's going to use your trans status to try to make you look like an unfit parent. You need to beat her at her own game.

I grew up with divorced parents and it sucks christmas still gets to me believe me.

Me too. But your wife has decided to end your marriage, not you. In time, when your child gets older, you can explain the circumstances. But do consider whether your wife is the sort of woman who might try to poison your child against you, and if you want to avoid that you need to take all the precautions now to prevent her from getting sole custody (or even getting custody at all - I wouldn't leave my child with someone who strangled me!).

Is becoming the woman that I am supposed to be the only option left? Am I not meant to have loved and married this woman in the first place

Only you will know, but I'd daresay becoming the woman you are is the best way for you to secure your long-term happiness. You weren't to know at the time, but it turned out that your wife was the wrong woman for you. That's very sad and very unfortunate, but who do you need to be when you enter your next relationship? Can you imagine wanting your next partner to perceive you as male or female? What would give you fulfilment? For me, one of the things that made me push forward with my transition was the breakdown of my marriage. I could not bear the thought of having another straight man in my life perceiving me as female, so I knew I'd have to put in the work if I ever want to be happy.

I am bisexual so I don't mind but was it unfair of me to put her in this situation.

I'm willing to bet you didn't deliberately put her into this situation. I bet you weren't ready to transition straight after school, and that you thought you'd be OK continuing to present as male. But Gender Dysphoria has a habit of getting worse with time, and you obviously reached the point where you needed to do something about it. That's not your fault; you were doing the best you could.

Let's face it, your wife is definitely not the same woman she was when you married her. Would you have married her if you knew she'd hit you in the face in front of your child? Or strangle you? Or try to kick you out of your own home when you're unemployed? No, I bet you would've run a mile if you'd known that. She's not exactly smelling of roses here, you know.

There is nothing that can compare with this except death really! It feels like death of that person in your life and her ghost is walking around to remind you of everything you where did how you love her held her in your arms looked deep in her eyes and said I love you.

Yes, the break-up of what you thought would be a life-long commitment does feel like a death. But just like death, we do eventually emerge from the grieving period and move on with our lives.

How you made love and will the next person be compared with you. Vacations, happy times, our wedding day!

The woman you did all those things with no longer exists, does she? In her place is a different, bitter, angry woman who has attacked, bullied and beaten you. Treasure those good memories of better times, but it's clear from her recent behaviour that you need to draw a line under this marriage and get yourself and your child as far away from her as you can.

[Amoré]

If you don't mind me asking is this still a question of whether are not your willing to give up transitioning to stay married or is it just beyond that point.

I think it is beyond that point I given it up several times and she just did not budge. She is cutting the cord and leaving there is nothing I can do. I can scream I can be stupid and try and commit suicide I can hurt myself I can do whatever I want to I think she is leaving. This time for real she is leaving me and there is nothing I can do to stop her. Maybe she will be better of without me and be a better parent. She will find someone that she loves it is just not me anymore because I am female inside. If all goes well outside also. She don't care if I transition or not really she knows what I am inside. She don't see me as man anymore.

[wanessa.delisola]

Maybe she will be better of without me and be a better parent. She will find someone that she loves it is just not me anymore because I am female inside. If all goes well outside also. She don't care if I transition or not really she knows what I am inside. She don't see me as man anymore.

Woooooooooow, waaaait a veeeery long minute, there, darling!

She is, sure as hell, not better of without you! YOU are better of without her! Damn it, girl, she hit you! In front of your kids! In case that didnt sunk in yet, let me reminde you:

SHE. HIT. YOU. IN. FRONT. OF. YOUR. KIDS!

Then, no, she doesnt deserve someone "better". She doesnt deserve anybody!

And the part about being a better parent? Please, tell me HOW someone who hits anobody else in front of their children can be a good parent in ANY level?

I understand that you are in pain, even emotionaly. But dont be another victim. Take control of your life! Go to the police, seek a lawyer, TAKE THOSE KIDS AWAY FROM THAT CRAZY WOMAN! If she hit you, she may as well hit them!

[Tristyn]

Amoré, if your wife physically assaulted and strangled you - in front of your child, no less - you must file a police report immediately. Please, go straight to a police station right now and file a complaint against her. Especially if you have any bruises or marks from where she hurt you. It's vital that you get as much evidence in your favour as you can, because it sounds like your wife is trying to bully you and she hopes to get everything out of your marriage (and leave you with nothing), so the more evidence you can gather the more difficult it is for her to succeed.

This is EXACTLY the sort of evidence you need to strengthen your case to either gain full custody of your child (which your wife just made much more likely by attacking you!) or to at least maintain contact. It'll definitely help you get a better outcome in the divorce.

Ask the police to help you get a Protection Order against her. You can apply for an interim Protection Order straight away at your nearest Magistrate's Court or High Court. You just have to fill in a form, and they'll give you a date to come back & have the case heard.

Then as soon as you leave the cop shop, go straight to a lawyer. Explain your situation in full, and ask them to help. You can contact FAMSA or Legal Aid South Africa, who can be very helpful if you have limited funds. Even talking to a lawyer on the phone to get things started will help. Please mention the physical, emotional and any other abuse you're suffering.

Who's the unfit parent? A woman who's struggling with a genuine medical condition but is otherwise a great parent (I presume), or the other woman who is unhinged enough to strangle & beat her spouse in front of the kid? I think we all know the answer to that question - and if you gather enough evidence & get a good lawyer, the judge will see it too.

Please, act quickly. Get a case number from the cops, take this info to a lawyer, and use this to protect yourself from your wife's little schemes.

I'm so sorry she's doing this to you. Some people can respond horribly when we come out - my 'husband' did the same thing, also threatening to kick me out & take my kids away from me. I certainly didn't let him get away with it... please don't let your wife get away with it either.

^Great idea right here!

What your wife did, Amore, was nothing short of domestic violence and therefore should face the appropriate consequences by the hand of the law for this atrocity. I would surely follow this advice if I were in that unruly situation. I hope you and your kids can get out of there. If your wife was capable of deciding to lay her hands on you the way she did that night, just imagine what she'd do to the children if she was ticked off enough....I hope I'm wrong here.

Be safe.

[Amoré]

well guys I think I am going to do the right thing and make a case of domestic violence against her. I am going to fight for my child because I also fear what she will do to my child if she gets ticket of by her.

I must keep my child safe this is not about saving a marriage anymore this is about saving my child and myself.

She is so confident I am going to lose sole custody she told me good luck with that you wanted to commit suicide and you are mentally insane because you think you are a woman. I told her I have been diagnosed with gd that does not mean I am mentally insane

[bobbisue]

Amor'e imagine if the situation was reversed and you had been the the one strangling her where would you be now a nice warm cell I would think,it is every bit as wrong for her to have assaulted you! protect yourself protect your child it hurts it sucks but it is what is right

   bobbisue

[Amoré]

In the end I am going to have no choice to move out end of the month or sooner they are kicking me out of the house and I am not allowed to stay in the spare room in the garden flat so I am sort of screwed. The only option is to move to my mother that is 60km away from my child. It is half an hours drive that is not too bad I guess but everyone wants my child to stay with my wife and not the crazy person that is me.

So except if I can get custody of my child I am going to have to leave her behind for now. It breaks my heart but what can I really do about it.Well if I move this gives me the opportunity to start living full time. Where here I am sort of in a spot where I am uncomfortable for some reason.

If I have to choose now I will choose transition over my marriage and trying to resque something with someone that made up her mind to end it.

[cheryl reeves]

Amore just wondering who's name is the house in,were you renting or buying. If the house is both names they have no choice but to let you have that room til divorce is final. In the U.S. the house goes up for sale the moment the child reaches18 and proceeds spilt between both parties. I feel for you but you need to grow a backbone, my wife knows she ever treats me like that I'm gone because I might do something I might later regret for I wouldn't stand for it. If your going to be full female be full female and show her what a true Bch can be like but not in front of your child.

[Amoré]

Amore just wondering who's name is the house in,were you renting or buying. If the house is both names they have no choice but to let you have that room til divorce is final. In the U.S. the house goes up for sale the moment the child reaches18 and proceeds spilt between both parties. I feel for you but you need to grow a backbone, my wife knows she ever treats me like that I'm gone because I might do something I might later regret for I wouldn't stand for it. If your going to be full female be full female and show her what a true Bch can be like but not in front of your child.

The house is unfortunately a rental it is in her aunt and grandmother's name so we rented from them. I am a little screwed in that case. I haven't got a leg to stand on because this is the sad reality that it is her family and they will take her side and have her back. They will forcefully evict me if I don't take my stuff and leave en of the month. As for being a woman and a bsh I can do that but not in front of my child and my child is always around. If she is not my wife is dodging me.

[RobynD]

You are a lovely girl outside and inside. This comes through in your posts. Please protect yourself from this abusive person I agree with the above post that said she does not deserve you. She needs help for the benefit of herself and your child. Hopefully she will get it.