I need help

[tylerthetransguy]

I know my username is Tyler the trans guy but I still need to ask this question.

Is it okay to not have any signs of being a boy as a child and realise that your a boy at 16?

I'm worried if I came out to my family they would say something like "it's just a phase"

Also what is a good way to come out to your family and friends? I'm actually more worried about my friends not understanding it than I am about my family. If you could give me some advice on that.

Thank you for your time.

Sent from my LG-H445 using Tapatalk

[Kylo]

Of course it is ok.

There weren't so many signs for me until puberty. I put it down to the fact children are not flooded with hormones that make them think much about their bodies and their sex until then, so there's probably more chance dysphoria manifests more strongly around that time and after than before. As a young kid my body wasn't so much different in my mind from a young boy's... which is probably why I was far more content with it then than when it started morphing into something else.

Not sure I know any "good" ways to come out, as it kinda depends on the personalities of the people you're coming out to. Some people write letters, that way they can say what they need to without being interrupted or cut off in the middle of saying it. I didn't write a letter though. I just told people, and nobody much batted an eyelid.

[FTMDiaries]

Hi, and welcome!

As you've probably discovered, a lot of trans people knew we had problems with our gender from an early age. But that's not everyone's experience, and the fact that some of us knew earlier does not invalidate your experience. There are people here who didn't figure out they were trans until they were in their 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond... so you're definitely not alone! It doesn't matter when you figure it out; the only thing that matters is that you did figure it out.

As for 'phases', yes you're right: your family is likely to chuck that sort of thing at you (and a great deal more besides) before they come to acceptance. Many of our families argue against us when we come out, so it's important that you do as much research as possible so you're armed with the facts. You'll probably find that you're going to be several steps ahead of your friends & family for a couple of years, but they do catch up eventually. But anyway, 'phases' tend to last for less than 6 months so if you've been feeling this way for longer than that, you can categorically state that it definitely isn't a phase and you need immediate help. In fact, that's one of the things that a gender therapist will look for: they need to see evidence of a 'consistent and persistent' gender identity that differs from your assigned gender, and you will need to have felt that way for a minimum of six months before they can diagnose you with Gender Dysphoria.

The most important thing for you to do - and to ask for your parents' help with - is to see a gender therapist who can help you work through your feelings & decide what you need to do about them. They'll also be able to help you explain the situation to your parents and friends. So perhaps tell your parents that you have some difficulties with your gender that you need to speak to an expert about, and ask them to book you in with a suitable therapist. There's a list of therapists here at Susan's, if that helps.

As for your friends? The easiest thing to do is to come out to your most trusted friend first, and then get them to help you manage your other friends. That way, you'll have support if any of your friends take the news badly. But once you come out to the first person, each subsequent coming out is easier than the last... and you'll be surprised brilliant most people are. There are a few nasty people who don't take the news well, but the overwhelming majority of people are awesome. Seriously, coming out is a great way to figure out who your genuine friends are.

Good luck!

[Laura_7]

Here:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,197523.msg1756901.html#msg1756901

and here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,188309.msg1674885.html#msg1674885


are some resources that could help you.


hugs

[FTMax]

There's nothing wrong with that. Some people don't realize it until they're later in life. There's no one way to be trans.

I strongly encourage people to write a letter in advance. Spend some time on it. Talk about how you're trans, what that means to you, what your experience has been, what you would like to do, and how you would like people to treat you. You don't have to give it to anyone, it's really just a way to gather all of your thoughts and come up with answers to the most common things people are going to want to know. If you do choose to give it to someone, you can add a paragraph specific to them and the role you want them to play in your transition.

I told my mom, stepdad, and brother in person. All supportive, did not care. All they wanted to know was what my immediate medical plans and social needs were. But they're very progressive and have a lot of knowledge about trans people.

I wrote a letter to my dad and stepmom similar to the above. Didn't end up giving it to them, but had a discussion about it instead. It went much the same. Very supportive, didn't care and just wanted me to be happy. They asked some more invasive questions, but it was fine. I expected they would, because AFAIK, I was the first trans person they'd ever met.

For friends, I told my roommates first. They were cool with it. I told some other people that I knew were LGBTQ friendly to essentially practice coming out. Ultimately, I ended up just changing my name and gender on Facebook. No post or update or anything. People figured it out. I haven't had any issues.

I think part of the success I had though was that I was willing to drop people. I pruned my friends list down considerably in advance of coming out. I stopped hanging out with people I knew would have a problem with it. I may have lost the opportunity to educate someone, but my transition was a breeze.

[November Fox]

Being what you are, and discovering who you are, are not necessarily related to age. I didn´t discover what my passion was in life, until I was 25. Didn´t know why I felt so weird and awkward in my own body, until 27.

I was early compared to other transmen and transwomen who might have discovered it much later. So what I´m saying is that your identity sometimes can take time to discover and that´s fine.

I was scared of my family thinking about it as a phase too, at first. So I sent them a long letter. I described that I could recognize a lot of myself in the stories of other transmen. I said that it was probably not a phase, because it was something that I felt very intensely. A couple of months later, I talked to them some more about it. I send them a link to a transgender show online.

So I just really took the time to show them that the idea would not just suddenly "go away". I came across as confident, I said that I had given it a lot of thought, and that I had considered the options available. If you bring it calmly, and come across sure of yourself, they will be less inclined to doubt you. And even if they doubt you, you can invite them to discuss it and answer any (respectful) questions they might have.

[rosetyler]

My girlfriend didn't know till she was 39.  You're doing just fine.  Welcome to the party, Tyler.

[RaptorChops]

I didn't think about it until I was 28. I mean I had thoughts about wanting to be a boy and all that when I was younger but I didn't know what trans was back then. Then after speaking with a therapist it clicked and made sense to me. Been transitioning for two years now, I'm 30.

[Olol094]

I had every childhood "sign" that I was trans and my family STILL is insisting it's a phase. I've been out for over a year and have started my physical transition, but they persist on calling me "she" and dead-naming me constantly. Families can be stubborn. They see what they want to see. My family chooses to believe that the real me is not the one I present now, nor the one I presented as a child, but the exaggeratedly feminine box I shoved myself into in my early twenties because I thought maybe, just maybe, if I were the perfect woman, I would be happy being a woman. (Spoiler alert: I wasn't.)

On the flip side, I have trans friends who showed no signs of "trans-ness" as children and their families were totally cool about everything. Go figure. Your family is just gonna do what they're gonna do, so just take care of yourself and, if it helps, have a back-up plan (a friend's house you can stay at if things get bad, people you can talk to who can comfort you if they're cruel.) Trying to predict their reaction is just gonna drive you mad.

And when it comes down to it, your family's opinion doesn't really matter. Only you get to say what your gender is!

[Laura_7]

I had every childhood "sign" that I was trans and my family STILL is insisting it's a phase. I've been out for over a year and have started my physical transition, but they persist on calling me "she" and dead-naming me constantly. Families can be stubborn. They see what they want to see. My family chooses to believe that the real me is not the one I present now, nor the one I presented as a child, but the exaggeratedly feminine box I shoved myself into in my early twenties because I thought maybe, just maybe, if I were the perfect woman, I would be happy being a woman. (Spoiler alert: I wasn't.)

On the flip side, I have trans friends who showed no signs of "trans-ness" as children and their families were totally cool about everything. Go figure. Your family is just gonna do what they're gonna do, so just take care of yourself and, if it helps, have a back-up plan (a friend's house you can stay at if things get bad, people you can talk to who can comfort you if they're cruel.) Trying to predict their reaction is just gonna drive you mad.

And when it comes down to it, your family's opinion doesn't really matter. Only you get to say what your gender is!

This might help:
http://www.acceptingdad.com/2013/08/05/to-the-unicorns-dad/

Its an emotional summary of an accepting cis person... they sum up a lot of thoughts like:
-its not a phase
-its not a matter of parenting or whatever, people feel this way...

Parts of it might be shown.


hugs

[Muscle Matt]

I had every childhood "sign" that I was trans and my family STILL is insisting it's a phase. I've been out for over a year and have started my physical transition, but they persist on calling me "she" and dead-naming me constantly. Families can be stubborn. They see what they want to see. My family chooses to believe that the real me is not the one I present now, nor the one I presented as a child, but the exaggeratedly feminine box I shoved myself into in my early twenties because I thought maybe, just maybe, if I were the perfect woman, I would be happy being a woman. (Spoiler alert: I wasn't.)

This exactly sums up my experience.

As I've felt this way as long as I can remember, it's hard for me to understand someone who doesn't have a single thought about it until later in life. The human mind and sexuality is all a very complex topic to understand, no matter how strong your feelings may be. No matter how strong your desire to transition, I would never suggest anyone jump immediately into treatment until they've experienced these feelings for a long time. Despite having these feelings my entire life, I still didn't even transition until now that I'm 25 (I tried a few times in the past, and put it off every time). I wanted to be absolutely, positively sure that this was my only option.

I don't think you need to be as hesitant as I was, but you can always go at transition slowly and see how comfortable it feels with you. Especially at a younger age and in your teens, hormones and gender can be very confusing, so it's best not to jump right into irreversible changes (while most people who transition are very happy with their decision, there are some people who regret it and realized they didn't actually want this). Slowly incorporate your male traits into your daily life, and slowly come out to people. Get them to call you your male name and pronouns, and slowly let more and more people see the true you.

Honestly, the biggest reason I never transitioned sooner is because of the social stigma. I was always worried about how everyone around me would handle it. I feel that had I transitioned years ago, maybe the responses I've gotten from people would have been completely different. However, I've found that these days, much more people speak of and view transgender people respectfully, and I've been very shocked at how supportive most of my friends and family have been. My mom has been difficult; despite being very obviously trans, she's still in some form of denial (even after I showed her an English paper I wrote in 12th grade describing how I wanted to transition one day).

No matter how much proof you show people, some people will be very hesitant to believe you, but that's ok. Don't live your life worried about how other people view your own decisions. I waited so long to do something that would have made me very happy years ago because I was too worried about what others might think. Some people will think it's a phase. Some people will think you've lost your marbles. But this is your life, not theirs. Don't get me wrong, it's tough trying to transition when people in your life are trying to downplay things and tell you you're making a mistake. But you need to be stronger than their words if you feel this is your true path to happiness.

I wish I had some advice on coming out to those in your life, however, I'm still very awkward at approaching the subject. Since I don't see most of my family very often, I came out to most of them online, and the same for most of my friends (especially people who I wasn't sure how they'd react).

Good luck in figuring yourself out, and always remember, you're doing this for yourself, not anyone else, so don't let anyone sway your feelings. I hope once you do come out to everyone, you can experience the same acceptance that a lot of us are lucky enough to get in this day and age.

[Mariah]

Tyler, everyone learns that things are not right and that they are either a girl or boy and not the sex they are assigned at different points in their lives. Just because you didn't know before then doesn't change the fact that your transgender. Your no less than those of us like myself who knew as soon as we could feel, comprehend and sense something was terribly wrong. Hugs
Mariah

[Moneyless]

I think that's completely normal. Some people realise and transition way later in life, I'm talking 40s and 50s. I personally just always felt like a boy growing up and envied my brother and every male to death, and I assumed it was because I was jealous of 'male privilege' because I saw every female thing I had as a disadvantage, even things that aren't necessarily so. There might be some signs that you might not even remember, my mum told me she noticed some stuff that I don't even remember when she went back and watched old videos after I came out. Even if they aren't, it doesn't matter. You will most likely need to go to some type of professional if you wish to go on HRT anyways, and they can help you come to terms with who you are.

A good way to tell your parents without scaring them off is to just tell them you're 'questioning your gender and you want to see someone'. Don't hit them straight away with the transgender card, rather have a psychologist confirm it and explain it to them with you.

[WolfNightV4X1]

I think that's completely normal. Some people realise and transition way later in life, I'm talking 40s and 50s. I personally just always felt like a boy growing up and envied my brother and every male to death, and I assumed it was because I was jealous of 'male privilege' because I saw every female thing I had as a disadvantage, even things that aren't necessarily so. There might be some signs that you might not even remember, my mum told me she noticed some stuff that I don't even remember when she went back and watched old videos after I came out. Even if they aren't, it doesn't matter. You will most likely need to go to some type of professional if you wish to go on HRT anyways, and they can help you come to terms with who you are.

A good way to tell your parents without scaring them off is to just tell them you're 'questioning your gender and you want to see someone'. Don't hit them straight away with the transgender card, rather have a psychologist confirm it and explain it to them with you.

Aw wow, I have to agree with you with the envying males and viewing females at a disadvantage. While it's not truly unfair or wrong for females I think I mostly viewed things as unfair and wrong for me. A lot of my male-ness was mental and I cant quite recall ever feeling some kind of huge body dysphoria in childhood like I read so many trans people report.

Really a lot of that happened into my teens when I was still learning to cope with puberty and my physical attractiveness