So I've been thinking a lot about it, and I'm coming to the conclusion that I may possibly be bigendered, or maybe agendered, not sure what to call it. I'm pansexual or omnisexual or whatever you call it, doesn't matter because I don't care much for labels to begin with. The point is, I'll get with anything that I'm attracted to, regardless of its sex or gender, so limiting my potential partners in the future through transitioning has never been a concern to me, since I have such a broad range of interests.
Coming from deep down, here's the honest truth. I want to be a female. I also want to be a male. I want to be both.
On one hand, every time I look down, I wish I had a pair of breasts and soft, smooth, hairless skin, and painted nails and cute clothes. I want to be pretty, I want to be desirable. I want to go to the mall with my girl friends and gossip about guys and get my long, luscious hair done all pretty and wear makeup and wear scantily-clad dresses and go out clubbing. I want to be in sexual and romantic relationships with guys, while I'm a girl. I want to be dainty and cute and all things stereotypically girly during my lifetime. And I can.
On the other hand, I want to be a man, I want to wear suits and have short, professional hair. I want to have sexual and romantic relationships with women. I want to fall in love with a woman and marry her and wake up next to her. I want to conceive her children. I want to grow up to be a father, I want to raise my own biological children as their biological father. I want to teach my son how to catch, help him when he's struggling with girls, give him fatherly, guy advice. I want to be protective of my daughter, probably more than I need to, and feel concerned about the guys she's seeing. I want to make dad-jokes. I want to be manly and hunt and camp and grow a beard and have a hairy chest with a six-pack and be athletic and muscular and all things stereotypically manly during my lifetime. And I can.
But it seems as though I can't (or shouldn't) do both. It'd be challenging and expensive, but here's the conclusion I came to:
I want to try being a girl while I'm still young, and have the potential to be young and pretty and attractive even to straight guys. If I wait until I'm already old and my body is fully set, then I'll never have that opportunity. If I transition now while I'm young and by body is still developing, then I can be a woman for a while and most likely even pass for a while. What I intend on doing is trying this for as long as I last as passable, and then transitioning BACK to being a guy. It shouldn't be too difficult to, seeing as females can transition into males pretty well, wouldn't someone who was originally a male have an easier time becoming a full-time male than someone who was born a female? Despite how "permanent" hormone therapy may seem, I have faith that it'll be reversible if I try hard enough. Especially a few decades down the road from now, by the time I actually will start wanting to transition back, not only will transgendered people be more accepted in society, but medical practices will more likely be more advanced and effective than they are today. It's as simple as reversing my hormone intake from meds, and then surgically removing anything feminine, like breasts, that have developed. I never intend on getting any permanent surgery to remove or change any genitals, because that would be irreversible.
I know it seems really outrageous that I would do this, go through all that trouble only to change back later, but I'm divided. I want to be whatever it is I desire to be at a given moment. For years, I have been crossdressing as a girl, and it felt so natural and right. But when I when back to being a guy, it didn't feel any less natural or right. I don't have that sense of gender-dysphoria with my physical appearance that most other trans-folk experience, probably because I'm content with being either gender/sex (please excuse me for mixing them up, I always forget the difference).
I considered all the consequences, both socially and physically, that come with taking hormones to transition. I understand that I will become sterile, with an extremely low chance of recovering my fertility. To get around that, I will leave a sufficient quantity of sperm preserved in a sperm-bank, for when I want to be a father down the road. I also understand that my social-life will take a substantial hit, and many people may think less of me or leave my life, and I am okay with that.
One of the things I've thought about was that, if I fully transitioned to become a girl, I might occasionally crossdress back as a guy, which I foresee as being extremely easy (all I would need to do, for the most part, is bind my breasts, and behave in a more masculine way.) That would be for if I was ever in a situation where being a trans-person puts me in any danger. One thing that I expect to get flak for is that it's unfair that I can "just be any gender whenever its convenient for me." My response to that is that I've always believes that people of all genders should be treated as equals, and that gender or sex should have no restrictions on the type of life someone wants to live, so any boundaries that I cross with these actions are boundaries that need to be pushed anyway.
My questions for all of you are: What should I do? Am I on the right or wrong path? What have I overlooked?
Any help would be appreciated, thank you for your time to read all this.
Also I'm currently 18, about to turn 19 in a few months. Even though I'm legally able to make decisions on my own, I'm still financially dependent on my parents. While they don't support the idea of me changing genders, they love me no matter what I am or discover myself to be. As far as they know, I just want to change into a girl and that's that; if they knew my full plan they probably would just say it's a phase, and it'd be easier to stay as a guy. They're suggesting counseling (which is the first step towards transition in anyhow) in hopes that I'll change my mind and just stay the way I am, but it I end up earning a prescription for HRT, then they would support it, despite their personal feelings in the matter. As they've said, they don't want their personal feelings to dictate my life.
They're being as respectful and reasonable as they can, but they're under the impression that I'm suffering from "the grass is greener on the other side syndrome," and they're persistent that my life will be harder if I choose to do this. Quite frankly, I don't care much for having an easier life, because easy means unexciting and boring. They also suspect that it's a cry for attention, and as much as I like attention, this is the one thing that I don't want to draw attention to myself for. I don't want my worth to be reduced to the gender I am or choose to be, so I won't make my gender/sex the most important aspect of my identity. I'm not saying that I'm going to hide it from people, I just won't make it a significant part of my identity, because it doesn't need to be. If people inquire about it, under most circumstances I'll tell them the truth (unless, of course, it'd put me in danger). My decision to do this is also not to make any sort of statement on the current status of gender or sex in our society. If it reads as one, then so be it, but it's not my intention.
