So I've been thinking a lot about it, and I'm coming to the conclusion that I may possibly be bigendered, or maybe agendered, not sure what to call it. I'm pansexual or omnisexual or whatever you call it, doesn't matter because I don't care much for labels to begin with. The point is, I'll get with anything that I'm attracted to, regardless of its sex or gender, so limiting my potential partners in the future through transitioning has never been a concern to me, since I have such a broad range of interests.

Coming from deep down, here's the honest truth. I want to be a female. I also want to be a male. I want to be both.

On one hand, every time I look down, I wish I had a pair of breasts and soft, smooth, hairless skin, and painted nails and cute clothes. I want to be pretty, I want to be desirable. I want to go to the mall with my girl friends and gossip about guys and get my long, luscious hair done all pretty and wear makeup and wear scantily-clad dresses and go out clubbing. I want to be in sexual and romantic relationships with guys, while I'm a girl. I want to be dainty and cute and all things stereotypically girly during my lifetime. And I can.

On the other hand, I want to be a man, I want to wear suits and have short, professional hair. I want to have sexual and romantic relationships with women. I want to fall in love with a woman and marry her and wake up next to her. I want to conceive her children. I want to grow up to be a father, I want to raise my own biological children as their biological father. I want to teach my son how to catch, help him when he's struggling with girls, give him fatherly, guy advice. I want to be protective of my daughter, probably more than I need to, and feel concerned about the guys she's seeing. I want to make dad-jokes. I want to be manly and hunt and camp and grow a beard and have a hairy chest with a six-pack and be athletic and muscular and all things stereotypically manly during my lifetime. And I can.

But it seems as though I can't (or shouldn't) do both. It'd be challenging and expensive, but here's the conclusion I came to:

I want to try being a girl while I'm still young, and have the potential to be young and pretty and attractive even to straight guys. If I wait until I'm already old and my body is fully set, then I'll never have that opportunity. If I transition now while I'm young and by body is still developing, then I can be a woman for a while and most likely even pass for a while. What I intend on doing is trying this for as long as I last as passable, and then transitioning BACK to being a guy. It shouldn't be too difficult to, seeing as females can transition into males pretty well, wouldn't someone who was originally a male have an easier time becoming a full-time male than someone who was born a female? Despite how "permanent" hormone therapy may seem, I have faith that it'll be reversible if I try hard enough. Especially a few decades down the road from now, by the time I actually will start wanting to transition back, not only will transgendered people be more accepted in society, but medical practices will more likely be more advanced and effective than they are today. It's as simple as reversing my hormone intake from meds, and then surgically removing anything feminine, like breasts, that have developed. I never intend on getting any permanent surgery to remove or change any genitals, because that would be irreversible.
I know it seems really outrageous that I would do this, go through all that trouble only to change back later, but I'm divided. I want to be whatever it is I desire to be at a given moment. For years, I have been crossdressing as a girl, and it felt so natural and right. But when I when back to being a guy, it didn't feel any less natural or right. I don't have that sense of gender-dysphoria with my physical appearance that most other trans-folk experience, probably because I'm content with being either gender/sex (please excuse me for mixing them up, I always forget the difference).

I considered all the consequences, both socially and physically, that come with taking hormones to transition. I understand that I will become sterile, with an extremely low chance of recovering my fertility. To get around that, I will leave a sufficient quantity of sperm preserved in a sperm-bank, for when I want to be a father down the road. I also understand that my social-life will take a substantial hit, and many people may think less of me or leave my life, and I am okay with that.

One of the things I've thought about was that, if I fully transitioned to become a girl, I might occasionally crossdress back as a guy, which I foresee as being extremely easy (all I would need to do, for the most part, is bind my breasts, and behave in a more masculine way.) That would be for if I was ever in a situation where being a trans-person puts me in any danger. One thing that I expect to get flak for is that it's unfair that I can "just be any gender whenever its convenient for me." My response to that is that I've always believes that people of all genders should be treated as equals, and that gender or sex should have no restrictions on the type of life someone wants to live, so any boundaries that I cross with these actions are boundaries that need to be pushed anyway.
My questions for all of you are: What should I do? Am I on the right or wrong path? What have I overlooked?
Any help would be appreciated, thank you for your time to read all this.

Also I'm currently 18, about to turn 19 in a few months. Even though I'm legally able to make decisions on my own, I'm still financially dependent on my parents. While they don't support the idea of me changing genders, they love me no matter what I am or discover myself to be. As far as they know, I just want to change into a girl and that's that; if they knew my full plan they probably would just say it's a phase, and it'd be easier to stay as a guy. They're suggesting counseling (which is the first step towards transition in anyhow) in hopes that I'll change my mind and just stay the way I am, but it I end up earning a prescription for HRT, then they would support it, despite their personal feelings in the matter. As they've said, they don't want their personal feelings to dictate my life.

They're being as respectful and reasonable as they can, but they're under the impression that I'm suffering from "the grass is greener on the other side syndrome," and they're persistent that my life will be harder if I choose to do this. Quite frankly, I don't care much for having an easier life, because easy means unexciting and boring. They also suspect that it's a cry for attention, and as much as I like attention, this is the one thing that I don't want to draw attention to myself for. I don't want my worth to be reduced to the gender I am or choose to be, so I won't make my gender/sex the most important aspect of my identity. I'm not saying that I'm going to hide it from people, I just won't make it a significant part of my identity, because it doesn't need to be. If people inquire about it, under most circumstances I'll tell them the truth (unless, of course, it'd put me in danger). My decision to do this is also not to make any sort of statement on the current status of gender or sex in our society. If it reads as one, then so be it, but it's not my intention.

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While I don't usually question people's motives, transitioning because you want to be a young sexy broad, then transitioning back when you no longer "have it" doesn't seem very well thought out. It's transitioning for vanity, and I just don't see that working out well. It's your path, however. Live life as you choose, because you only get one go-around.     See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

When I  was young, I kinda thought the same thing.   I did the guy thing.  I was OK as a guy.  I transitioned only when there really wasn't a choice anymore: I had to transition.  I am so much happier now.

So, to your question.  I don't really see anything wrong with the idea.  My questions to you is "What happens if you find out that you REALLY are a girl?".  That your plan is just your minds way of dealing with transition.  Second question..."What happens if you transition to a woman, transition back and find out being a woman was much better?"  Each transition is hard but the more there are, the harder they will get.

Start with therapy and then HRT.  Be ready to adjust your plan at any time.

Hugs

Jen

We are here to help regardless. 

I'd say as long as you don't do GCS it's really no big deal. I remember about 30 years ago I read a story of someone transition to female and stayed that way for like 10 years then went back to male for some reason. I think it was a thing about conservative Christianity that made her to transition back, but she hadn't had GCS , but she looked very nice.

I do have a close friend who believes she made the wrong decision to transition. She still lives the role but believes it was a mistake. I might have been an influence to her while she was making that decision. I didn't try to talk her into it neither did I try to talk her out of it. But I was her best friend at the time and she saw that I was doing well.

Consider that you may be pansexual. I can't give you advice... just know that it takes some of us many years to figure out where we are. Counseling can help us sort things out. Counselors don't make decisions for you, rather they can help you sort out your true feelings and priorities. Certainly you can do this yourself, but it doesn't hurt to have a trained professional helping you to not make mistakes.

When I see someone who seems to be sitting on the fence, I always recommend against transition. This is the sort of thing that you should really want... I can't define the limits but I am of the opinion that you should know that transition is absolutely the way you need to go for your own safety and happiness. Of course, everyone is different and must live their life the best way they see fit.

My advice is free and worth every penny.

Chin up,
Cindi

You sound conflicted and I can relate to the fact that there are certain aspects of each gender that are appealing BUT...

Think about what your saying fully.

What about beard growth? Are you going to just shave for 15 years twice a day? Also, you may not even be able to maintain an erection after 15 years of estrogen.

Plus, after so many years of transitioning, your mannerisms, the way you walk, laugh, your voice will all be feminine.

Additionally, who knows what new challenges will await you when your older. You may have a career, a family and you may not be able to afford transitioning.

Even a sperm bank, it's expensive! Around here its over 150 dollars a month. You might get stuck in a situation where you simply can't afford to maintain that while going to school.

Why not just go all out with crossdressing and breast forms etc.. a few weekends a month?

Regardless, just speak with a therapist, they'll help you sort this out.

Hi Kabumbo

I don't know if there is anything "wrong" with what you are planning but I would use caution before doing anything and find a good therapist to help you sort it out. There has never been any doubt in my mind as to wehter I want this or not...the doubt was if it could be done...I no longer have a choice, if I don't then I will end up in a pine box within 2 years if not sooner. So that is what I mean about not having a choice.

I would have thought that transitioning once is very hard...doing it twice could be even harder. One thing is for sure...its your life and your decision.

Elizabeth K 

Welcome to Susan's Place. I have worked with a few Bi gendered people on the site and I have learned from them that the medical community is a bit weak on understand the concept. One think I learned is that in some people the blockers tend to even out the bi gender feeling so you don't have to contend with two states. A good starting point with be therapy with the goal of using the blockers for a few months to see if the help and if you are comfortable with the resulting feelings. If there is anything I can help you with, let me know.

When I was your age I had a similar dream.  The best time to be a female is between 20 and 40.  The best time to be a male is 40-60.  After that, it does not really matter.

Starting out as male, there were a few problems.  The reason 20-40 is so great for women is that they are the peak of their desire and their desirability.  If you do not have the proper innie equipment (i.e., a vagina), you cannot take advantage of that glorious time for femininity.  It is a shame that we cannot all be female during those years of our lives -- but then again,. if we were, there would ber outies to satisfy us (those guys after forty just can''t keep it up as we would wish).

So you become an innie to get the most out of those years, the years of your youthful beauty.

Then comes the problem.  It could be that you would love those years so much that you would want to continue to be an innie.  No problem.  That is what you are and have been for 20 years, and you just continue along that path, accepting the diminution of beauty but the increase of wisdom that comes with age.

But there is a little problem if you want to change back.  You no longer have the outie equipment, and to enjoy your 30s and 40s, you need to be an outie.  At least by today's technology, that does not work as well as the shift from outie to innie that you made at 20.  At 20 (like now) you can bet on the come, but I suspect that is just as bad a strategy in life as it is in poker.  If the magic has not appeared by the time you are 40, you get stuck in the innie world.  Which is where you should want to be, anyway.

So there is the conundrum.  You either lose out on the great innie sex between 20-40, or you lose out on the great outie sex from 40-60.  Probably cannot have both, but, more importantly, you cannot foresee the future and you have to choose now.

If you were to ask my advice (which you have not done, but which I will give to you anyway), it is choose to be an innie now.  Nothing can equal the great sex an innie has in those fertile years.  So go for it.  And accept the chance that at 60 you will be knitting booties for grandchildren rather than playing five over par at the nearby golf course.

I deeply wish that I had had that choice to make for myself at your age.  I know what choice I would have made -- so get off of your but and do the right thing for yourself.

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