Not suicidal, but just don't see the point on continuing transiton

[Susan]

•   Started hrt late
•   16 months in, still don't pass
•   240 lbs. on a 5'9" frame
•   Big hands and feet
•   Big freaking head
•   Stretch marks
•   Big boned
•   Freaking huge calves
•   Acne scars
•   Bump on nose
•   Unpassable jaw and chin
•   Reddish face
•   Dark bags under eyes
•   Yellow teeth
•   Undersized hips
•   Can't orgasm anymore
•   27.5 yo virgin
•   Still live at home
•   Unemployed
•   No degree
•   Back at school, but it's getting hard
•   Probably getting stares because I'm the big dude with titties
•   Too poor to afford to hang out with friends
•   Hair is too long to get a job as a boy
•   Parents are getting tired of me
•   Family thinks I have mental disorder
•   Out to family, but we don't talk about it
•   Dad keeps telling me I'm a well-built man
•   Physically bigger then my two other brothers
•   Mom keeps telling me to cut my hair
•   Parents still care for me, but don't acknowledge I'm trans
•   They think I'm possessed
•   I spend all my money on drugs because I'm depressed
•   I don't enjoy my old hobbies anymore
•   Neighbors don't talk to me anymore or say hi
•   Close cousins don't talk to me anymore
•   Awkward around my cousins
•   No one understands me
•   My grandparents give me weird looks
•   My professors stare at me
•   I have to keep taking medication (hrt) for the rest of my life
•   I can't afford laser
•   My current meds are about to run out, but I can't afford to  refill it
•   My online trans circle hates me because I'm  conceded and annoying
•   Not out to my best friend, though he probably knows what's up
•   Get anxiety every time I go to school, because I'm probably viewed as that trans person

Why do you care what other people think about you. You have to decide to live your life for yourself.

I thought I would never pass, but I am, except for my voice and I am working on that. If someone doesn't like my voice that's their problem not mine. 

Most of the items you listed can be fixed, work on those and ignore the ones that can't.

Lastly if you decide you don't want to transition, you are just as welcome here as you have ever been!

[Anonymous]

Well maybe you're right. Maybe there is no point in continuing transition - but just because you stop now doesn't mean you can't or won't come back when other aspects of your life improve and you feel better about yourself and your prospects.

I attempted to transition when I was 24, it wasn't working - I should have been going great but I wasn't feeling it and in fact I was miserable... the reasons varied but a number of them match with those on that long list of "life sucks" you've drawn up for yourself.

You sound pretty depressed and have a fair few other things on your plate to deal with so indeed, maybe it would be better to press "pause" on transition until you sort that stuff out. That's what I did and while it took me almost 20 years to hit "play" again I'm in a much better place emotionally, physically and financially. It need not take you 20 years but you'll know when you are ready.

I already pressed paused on transition before. The first time i tried hrt I was 22 and after a couple months i quit out of fear that my parents would find out. I became very depressed and life became pretty empty. I regretted it ever since. I feel good on hrt. I like how I'm becoming more fem. I just can't stand this middle phase where I look like awkward.

[Ms Grace]

I already pressed paused on transition before. The first time i tried hrt I was 22 and after a couple months i quit out of fear that my parents would find out. I became very depressed and life became pretty empty. I regretted it ever since. I feel good on hrt. I like how I'm becoming more fem. I just can't stand this middle phase where I look like awkward.

OK, I think you have exactly the answer to your question - you do see the point in continuing transition and it's what you already know, that not transitioning makes you feel worse. Judging by your "life sucks" list I'd say you are depressed and overwhelmed by a whole range of things right now. Please try and get the depression sorted because if it's left untreated that, more than anything, will leave you feeling you are stuck in a rut, that everything is hopeless. Sorting out the depression gives you the energy and perspective to deal with a lot of the other issues (or to realise they are easily overcome or not issues at all).

[Chrissy1979]

Hey Anonymous,  how did the interview go?

[GingerMaxim]

I agree that not every one needs to or should transition. Every one in my opinion is different.

I personally don't believe transitioning is or would be the right choice for me and I have no desire to right now.

I am 100% ok.

But I do need and want SRS (sex reassignment surgery) to make me whole inside and to me that is ALL that matters is your own happiness.

No matter who you are, I believe their is nothing wrong with get counselling for things you're not able to fully get a handle on.

The money issue and the transitioning I totally get. For so many reasons I won't transition.

I wish you all the best.

[Anonymous]

Most of the items you listed can be fixed, work on those and ignore the ones that can't.

Lastly if you decide you don't want to transition, you are just as welcome here as you have ever been!

Despite feeling terrible these last few days, at the end of the day, I still want to continue transition, because at least there's a chance I can pass maybe one day. Tomorrow is another day and I will try harder to get to where I want in life. Thank you for the open invitation and I will always support my sisters here whether I fully transition or not.

[Anonymous]

Hey Anonymous,  how did the interview go?

I don't know how to feel about it. The interview was maybe 5 minutes long, the interviewer never asked me about my experience and said he would call me back in 6-7 days.

[Ⓥ]

Well ->-bleeped-<-; I started this huge reply post this morning when I woke up and been typing in between weekend chores but it seems like you've regained your resolve already.

Cool Sorry I was late to the party.

[jessica32]

Be strong u are amazing if u keep going u will find a way to make it work
Love and hugs

[Chrissy1979]

I don't know how to feel about it. The interview was maybe 5 minutes long, the interviewer never asked me about my experience and said he would call me back in 6-7 days.

Well best of luck with it,  hope you get a positive outcome and hope you're feeling better today about things. Remember you are among friends here