Not suicidal, but just don't see the point on continuing transiton

[Anonymous]

 Is there really a reason why I should keep transitioning? Really? Whats the point, I will never look like a cis girl or be treated like one. I probably won't ever pass. At least as guy, people don't look and treat me like a monster. I have so many issues that I really don't know what to do anymore. I just feel like giving up. I don't know how I'm supposed to live the rest of my life as a outcast. Even among fellow trans people, I feel like an outcast. No one takes me seriously and I truly feel unwanted. I just don't know anymore, I really don't. I don't even know what the point of this post is. Guess I'm just looking for a little input. I don't know how to articulate my problems, so i'll just list them.


•   Started hrt late
•   16 months in, still don't pass
•   240 lbs. on a 5'9" frame
•   Big hands and feet
•   Big freaking head
•   Stretch marks
•   Big boned
•   Freaking huge calves
•   Acne scars
•   Bump on nose
•   Unpassable jaw and chin
•   Reddish face
•   Dark bags under eyes
•   Yellow teeth
•   Undersized hips
•   Can't orgasm anymore
•   27.5 yo virgin
•   Still live at home
•   Unemployed
•   No degree
•   Back at school, but it's getting hard
•   Probably getting stares because I'm the big dude with titties
•   Too poor to afford to hang out with friends
•   Hair is too long to get a job as a boy
•   Parents are getting tired of me
•   Family thinks I have mental disorder
•   Out to family, but we don't talk about it
•   Dad keeps telling me I'm a well-built man
•   Physically bigger then my two other brothers
•   Mom keeps telling me to cut my hair
•   Parents still care for me, but don't acknowledge I'm trans
•   They think I'm possessed
•   I spend all my money on drugs because I'm depressed
•   I don't enjoy my old hobbies anymore
•   Neighbors don't talk to me anymore or say hi
•   Close cousins don't talk to me anymore
•   Awkward around my cousins
•   No one understands me
•   My grandparents give me weird looks
•   My professors stare at me
•   I have to keep taking medication (hrt) for the rest of my life
•   I can't afford laser
•   My current meds are about to run out, but I can't afford to  refill it
•   My online trans circle hates me because I'm  conceded and annoying
•   Not out to my best friend, though he probably knows what's up
•   Get anxiety every time I go to school, because I'm probably viewed as that trans person

This is so depressing ill understand if the mods take this down, it honestly isn't worth anyone's times. 




<foul language edit>

[ToniB]

Hi  Anonymous
  Only You can know if Transitioning is the right thing for You .in My case I could not under any circumstances ever consider going back . you need to have a serious look at Your situation and look at the good and bad points of Your life .what would be worst for You suffering the disphoria for the rest of Your life or accepting life as it is . As to passing I do not worry about that a great deal .If You look about You will see that CIC woman vary a great deal I have seen women with quite pronounced beards and moustaches very big noses and chins in fact woman come in so many sizes and shapes their will always be somebody that looks worse than You .the most important thing is to live the life that makes you the least uncomfortable Its Your life nobody else's .So if feeling feminine is what makes You happy GO FOR IT GIRL .But if all the rest of Your life overwhelms the good feelings then only You can decide whether giving up transition is best for You .So I recommend sitting down with a piece of paper and a pen and doing a  list of positive and negative points to help You decide what way You want to Go .Also indulge in a spot of people watching sit in a café and Just observe the other women around and see the huge diversity in them that ,may help you accept yourself a little better

Toni

[stephaniec]

the only thing I can say is therapy. I'm 64 and with some luck I might make it into the 70's. I could say the same thing of what's the point of a few years left on this planet, why bother my  life is basically over so now I decide to transition it's a joke.

[Anonymous]

the only thing I can say is therapy. I'm 64 and with some luck I might make it into the 70's. I could say the same thing of what's the point of a few years left on this planet, why bother my  life is basically over so now I decide to transition it's a joke.

I really want to start therapy but I can't afford it. I'm totally broke. I've been applying to jobs but only got one response. The interview is tomorrow morning but I don't feel prepared and even if i'm qualified for the position, I don't think they'll hire me because of my appearance and long hair.

[LordKAT]

I have many of the same issues, yet, the idea of dying and never really living doesn't work anymore.  That is just from my point of view. I do know how hard it is when you just can't seem to do enough for the rest of the world to see you as you see yourself. It can be so very stressful when all you want is to be yourself and be left to yourself. The thing is, you have to be content with being you and not let others opinions rule your life.

This is much easier when you live away from non supportive people such as your parents. Your employment situation is probably your biggest obstacle at the moment.  You said you are back in school. Is it possible to get campus housing?

It may be possible to get help with paying for your medications with community care programs that many medical places have. It can't hurt to ask.

[Anonymous]

I have many of the same issues, yet, the idea of dying and never really living doesn't work anymore.  That is just from my point of view. I do know how hard it is when you just can't seem to do enough for the rest of the world to see you as you see yourself. It can be so very stressful when all you want is to be yourself and be left to yourself. The thing is, you have to be content with being you and not let others opinions rule your life.

This is much easier when you live away from non supportive people such as your parents. Your employment situation is probably your biggest obstacle at the moment.  You said you are back in school. Is it possible to get campus housing?

It may be possible to get help with paying for your medications with community care programs that many medical places have. It can't hurt to ask.

Its at a community college, so I don't think housing is an option. I will definitely look into community care programs, I had no idea those were a thing. Thanks so much for the tip.

[suzifrommd]

Is there really a reason why I should keep transitioning? Really? Whats the point, I will never look like a cis girl or be treated like one.

Looking like a cis girl and being treated as a female are two totally different things.

I know many non-passing trans women who are thrilled with their transitions and celebrate daily that they can live as their real selves.

[stephaniec]

sometimes you just need to see the priorities in front of you. To get from point a to b. The thing about life is that unless you come from wealth your on your own. when I started out in life I took care of my dad because he had no one else, so while I took care of him I let my hair grow and when he passed I had this beautiful long hair. My dad passed and I was evicted from my fathers house and needed a job immediately so as a life long time Hippie I did the unimaginable and cut my hair and applied for Job as a bagger in a grocery store. I got the job as just kept on going.

[Ⓥ]

Can we call you something other than Anonymous?

[Wild Flower]

Get yourself together. Youre alive in (assuming) pretty healthy young body. Lot of people do not like you, so what? Lose the weight if it bothers you so much.

Now about the TG thing. Only you can decide if its worth it... Youre going to die one day, and life doesnt pause for anyone. Tomorrow will come and go. Do what you can with your time. I cant give you a road map but think of it this way

Humans are risk-averse.... Losing $5 is a lot worse than gaining $5. But once you realize its the same... If you had $5, then lost it... Then it hurts.

Imagine the gains youll get by becoming a woman versus youre negative losses. If the negatives outway the gains IN PERSPECTIVE than dont continue.


But if you became a semi-average looking 36 or 38 yr old woman, weighing at 165 or 170 lbs, concealer under your eyes, baking soda to whiten your teeth, clear skin with foundation over it... Youre pretty enough to find guys to date you.

Would life be worth it then?

Screw all the haters!!!!

Be like Miley in BB Talk. (look it up)

[Anonymous]

Can we call you something other than Anonymous?

I'm to embarrassed to post on my main account.

[Anonymous]

sometimes you just need to see the priorities in front of you. To get from point a to b. The thing about life is that unless you come from wealth your on your own. when I started out in life I took care of my dad because he had no one else, so while I took care of him I let my hair grow and when he passed I had this beautiful long hair. My dad passed and I was evicted from my fathers house and needed a job immediately so as a life long time Hippie I did the unimaginable and cut my hair and applied for Job as a bagger in a grocery store. I got the job as just kept on going.

I've had nothing but short hair my whole life. Since I was 6 or 7, I've always had a buzz cut. I decided to grow it out late 2014 and now it barely reaches my jaw. It's been a hassle to grow it because of the jobs I was working last year that always got on my case to cut it and constant complaints from my mom. Growing it to my current length was such a challenging grind that I don't know if I can go through that again. There's absolutely no way I will cut it. I know I don't have much of a choice because of my circumstances but I just can't. I feel like cutting it will destroy me. 

[stephaniec]

it seems you need to evaluate which is more important and live with that choice. growing hair is really a no brainer I've had hair down to my waist a few times in my life and have cut it when I needed to. If you can't grow hair there are wigs which a lot of people use.

[stephaniec]

there are jobs that don't have a problem with long hair , but it seems that the reality of life unless your got an inheritance is that you need to work.

[Anonymous]

there are jobs that don't have a problem with long hair , but it seems that the reality of life unless your got an inheritance is that you need to work.

I understand. It's just that having short hair was one of the biggest things causing me dysphoria. I'll just keep looking for a job and if I can't get one after the next 5 interviews, then maybe I will consider chopping it off. Hopefully I can find an employer that will permit my hair. Maybe my luck will change by then.

[Anonymous]

But if you became a semi-average looking 36 or 38 yr old woman, weighing at 165 or 170 lbs, concealer under your eyes, baking soda to whiten your teeth, clear skin with foundation over it... Youre pretty enough to find guys to date you.

That definitely sounds good. It is worth it to keep trying to get to this one day. Its just i don't know how to get through the now. It feels as if my world is falling in on me.

[Anonymous]

Hi  Anonymous
Also indulge in a spot of people watching sit in a café and Just observe the other women around and see the huge diversity in them that ,may help you accept yourself a little better

Toni

I have tried that at my school and it only made me feel sick to my stomach. All the girls at my school are either Hispanic or Asian and they are all literally under 5'6" with small features. I can't help but get extremely jealous when I look at their features.

[stephaniec]

doesn't your school have a counselor

[Anonymous]

doesn't your school have a counselor

I don't really know. How would a counselor be able to help me?

[Ms Grace]

Well maybe you're right. Maybe there is no point in continuing transition - but just because you stop now doesn't mean you can't or won't come back when other aspects of your life improve and you feel better about yourself and your prospects.

I attempted to transition when I was 24, it wasn't working - I should have been going great but I wasn't feeling it and in fact I was miserable... the reasons varied but a number of them match with those on that long list of "life sucks" you've drawn up for yourself.

You sound pretty depressed and have a fair few other things on your plate to deal with so indeed, maybe it would be better to press "pause" on transition until you sort that stuff out. That's what I did and while it took me almost 20 years to hit "play" again I'm in a much better place emotionally, physically and financially. It need not take you 20 years but you'll know when you are ready.