I need to understand this

[Amoré]

Okay I have been living with dysphoria my entire life. It was not something I realised late in life I have been living with this curse from a young age. I can remember sitting in class at the age of 8 picking out the girls that I like wishing I can be one of them. I never felt particularly uncomfortable in my body maybe because of how I look that I am not the most masculine guy in the world! Also I always stayed fit at a stage super fit cover model body fit. I am only 5'3 for a man. I have a medium frame but most of me is still just bulk.

Well this is my question!!!!


I cross dressed on occasions during my school years from a young age I tried makeup. I had my belly button pierced when I was only 14 because I could hide it and I wanted to be a girl. I liked Britney spears and Cristina. Also Played pokemon and still love the little guys I want the new one on my nintendo 3ds handheld console. I hit puberty and I did not want to become a man I hated it I tried castrating myself I tried to end the process of becoming a man. I did not want to be like other boys and run after the girls I wanted to be a girl chased by boys. I cross dressed when I could and hormones got the better of me and I was turned on and I masturbated as a teen. But most of all I longed to have a virgina and a body of a girl I wanted breasts and long flowing hair. I did not like being ruff I was never ruff I did not speak like other boys and tried to be tuff. Okay I could hold my own in a fight I was a black belt in karate so the bully of the school tried me once got the beating of a lifetime and he did not even try me again so did anyone else. But I was not a aggressive testosterone fuelled beast like most boys. I did not drink smoke do drugs I did not chase girls around I had my plan. I saw no other way out at that stage I could not see myself be a man for the rest of my life at that stage. GD had me floored.

Well then came metric fair well end of high school the big ball. I had to get a girl friend because I could not go alone. Well I met her my wife. I fell in love with her and she became my medicine for dysphoria for the first time I had something for years that could suppress the beast the demon! I wanted to be a man to be with her that was the solution to my dysphoria all these years. I wanted to be with her the fact that she loved me as a man as who I am made me want to stay that I wanted to be him to be with her. Each time the feeling came up I managed to suppress it with her love telling myself she loves me for me. She was not aware of gd all of these years I was happy being me a man that had her to love me because I did not want to change who she loved.

On occasions I did cross dress a little thinking how it would be but I did not want to change. She was there the woman I loved she was everything to me.

The problem is also she was the identity of him she made him be a man she made him want to be a man she had my male twin in her hands the whole time.

Well I had a lot of pressure at work during the last few years especially after my daughter was born. I was studying computer science but the problem is I was working with family and working underneath my father as one of my bosses. He did not want to promote me to IT Manager no matter how hard I worked and how much I deserved it I could not get promoted because he was standing in my way and I would jump him then and be on the same level as management as him. Also what would all the other employees say if I get this sort of promotion.

I was depressed and frustrated she gave me grief about my depression and I told her well so what I got depression and dysphoria. Sometimes when I feel worthless dysphoria creeps in at the worst time there just to make all worse. She stood there shocked and I told her sometimes when I feel worthless and not good enough my mind tells me I should have been a woman! I just blurted it out. She put one and one together about some strange behaviours of the years and I told her it is something that I have been struggling with my whole life and I hate it I don't want to have it I want to stay a man. But just the idea of me having gd even though I did not want to be a woman tore her whole world apart. She did not want to share her perfect husband with an imperfection.

Strike one was when she became distant she started emotionally abusing me worse that before. What happened to gd it got worse she took away her love and affection that I used to cope all the time with.

Things settled down for a couple of months

Strike two I started my own business and it did not do too well dysphoria creeping there searching for my weak moments to strike came back after seeing a beautiful girl in the mall. I was down she asked me what is wrong I told her well gd is here and bugging me she flipped out because she thought gd was just a phase and that it would go away and went away after the first time. She withdrew and I was stuck in a rut again facing my demon.

Strike three

I went for help got a therapist and they diagnosed me with being transgender. I wanted them to take it away they could not this upset her. She knew it was there to stay. She tried to adapt and decided she is going to pretend to be bisexual so I can transition. Well I started transition made the choice I was happy of sorts but she was not.

Strike four

She exploded withdrew herself completely out of my life and I lost all that I used to justify staying a man. I was left without my medication that was her that I used to fight my gd. This left me with nothing but my two fists and someone emotionally abusing me each day because of the hurt that I caused her by daring to choose to have gd. That I am taking my childs father away and and and.


My actual question was my marriage a facade to hide my gd and being trans or was she actually like a pill for my gd and I coped knowing that she loved me for who I am and if I change I would lose her and this gave me courage and strength to fight against my gd?

I really do love her she was not just someone to try and be normal with.

Well is the only way now to beat dysphoria transitioning because without her there is no choice she chopped of my hands she left me naked in the rain sobbing and I can't fight this thing and not exploding without her she killed him he is dying and I can feel it all that I thought I knew and that I wanted to be is dying and it hurts not only do I have to sit with the immense hurt of divorce I have to sit with him dying in me and it hurts like hell. The new identity is blooming and it is not fun it brings on a lot of pain. It is not something that I am celebrating at this stage it is something that I feared and I know I will be thankful one day for blooming but at this stage it is only hell.

I told her this things and she can't grasp what I am trying to say she is too damn stubborn.

[stephaniec]

Well, my story is a bit different ,but there is a particular similarity. I've dealt with this since I was 4. When I started to have  relationships I did find that while in a relationship my dysphoria and yearnings and crossdressing went to zero. Once the relationship was over I went back to the torment. I look back on my life now and realize why I've had so much trouble in relationships because at first the dysphoria would disappear , but it slowly creeped back and ended up destroying the relationship. I've never been married so my story is a little different.

[Violets]

I can relate to much of what you've been through. Sadly, I can also relate to much of what you're going through with regards to the breakdown of your marriage. My own marriage of 16 years failed due to my being transgender. Once I dropped the 'T bomb' it was all downhill from there. By the time it ended, things were absolutely toxic. Amore, I know you probably can't see it right now, but things will get better and the overwhelming loss you now feel will in time abate. It took me 2 years post separation/divorce to even begin to glimpse a feint glimmer of the light at the end of the tunnel.

I met my ex-wife when I was 17, and at that time I was in total denial and thought I'd could go through life never telling a soul about my trans feelings. It was to be my 'dirty little secret' that I thought I'd take to the grave. In the early stages of the relationship, the dysphoria was manageable and therefore not really an issue. Fast forward 8 years and the dysphoria was crippling. We had a very close relationship and loved each other deeply (or so I thought), but that all changed when I told her in a moment of despair, that whilst I was not born female, I really wish I had been.

I do think that with some, the dysphoria can be reduced in the early stages of a relationship (i.e. the honeymoon period), but this reprieve is short-lived and it ALWAYS returns. As much as I wish it were different, I don't believe that that even the deepest love can suppress gender dysphoria for ever.

[WorkingOnThomas]

I was with my ex almost fifteen years, and it seemed at first that being with him did help keep the gd away. But eventually it always came back.

Solution?

Find someone I could be myself around, rather than hoping for someone else to change me.

Thomas

[LivingTheDream]

A lot of what you said sounds pretty similar to me too.

I've crossdressed since I was a young kid. I tried makeup a few times. It sounds like I was more tomboyish than you were; I liked sports, hockey, football (U.S version), and wrestling, didn't mind getting down and dirty and a little rough with my friends up to a certain age as I was generally bigger and taller than them. Once we all got to the point where we could hurt each other that changed. I always wanted breasts, tried so many different objects to try to get em to look nice and real. Never wanted to be big and strong like my friends.

Hated puberty changes, especially facial hair, I went a year w/o shaving it once it started cuz heard it would grow back quicker and thicker and all that once you did and I definitely didn't want that.

Later teenage years I became pretty much a loner, had some friends, mostly acquaintances tho, so I was alone most of the time. Parents gave me more privacy, more privacy led to more time crossdressing. One day I accidentally masturbated, while crossdressed, they went hand in hand after that and became a much more frequent thing.

I never really tried to date anyone. I wanted to, there were girls I was attracted to but I just didn't.

Mid 20s I met someone online, playing a video game of all things. I wasn't physically attracted to her at first but she was so interesting to me. We would talk bout stuff and play for hours. Over time I totally fell for her. She became my world, everything revolved around her. I would do any and everything for her. When she moved back home (we weren't too far away when first met her online, same time zone at least), basically opposite side of the world of me, I changed my schedule and my life so that I could be on hers, be up and online and around when she was.

I knew she didn't feel the same way bout me that I did about her. I know she liked me and did care for me and enjoyed spending time with me but she didn't love me, not like how I loved her. It didn't stop me tho, I didn't stop trying to make her fall for me too.

One day, while thinking of her, a thought popped into my head. I imagined myself as her. It kept on popping up too. I asked myself, would I rather be with her (romantically) if I could, or would I rather be her...the answer to that was always be her.

My other example of a relationship that I can share happened a few years ago. I had already begun my transition unknowingly. I was already in the process of growing out my hair and had been taking herbs to grow some breasts and all that other good stuff. I didn't know anything about trans or being trans; that wouldn't come for another few months after.

This one was a coworker of mine. I always thought she was beautiful but she was really quiet and kept to herself at work so I didn't really know her or talk to her much. I later started helping her with a project and as a result, was spending time with her, got to know her a bit. I thought about asking her out for a bit; finally got the courage one did and I did. She said yes.

I was nervous of course, having never been with anyone like that before (in person at least). By now I had some breasts, not a lot, but I definitely had some. I was nervous she would find out about my breasts. (Obviously if we dated long enough she would have but probably could've just passed em off as moobs at that point). I told myself I better stop, man up I guess in a way, so I stopped taking the herbs I was taking (didn't chop off my hair, thankfully) basically for her, so I could be with her.

We only lasted a few weeks, sadly. I tried my hardest to get her back, texting her, trying to get her to talk, take me back. She didn't so I restarted taking the herbs and heading towards transition.

Anyways, the point I am trying to make with these is this: when I was in a relationship with these girls, I felt liked, wanted, happy. If things were going good, if they were happy, I was too. Looking back on it now, I think I know the reason as to why (well, besides the feeling like I was liked and wanted for once). When I was with them, I made it all about them, they were what mattered, making them feel loved and happy was all that mattered. They occupied my thoughts completely. It seems to me that this is kinda similar to another coping strategy that I have heard about here a few times; burying yourself in work, keeping yourself busy so that you don't have time to think about yourself. I feel like that is what I was doing just in a different way. I didn't matter, my problems didn't matter.

I'm not saying that this is what you are doing, only you can figure that out, I'm only trying to say that your situation in some ways sounds familiar to me. While I wasn't married to em, I did truly love em, still kinda do; it's just kinda different now. I've read a lot of what you've written here and I hope things improve for you. I hope that this helps you.

[Rachel]

Amore,

The past can not be changed. You only can be in the present. Looking back is where the pain and suffering is. Be kind to yourself from there you can be kind to others.

You are not living in the future. You can only control yourself. Live in the pesent and do not engage in negativity. Be the best you that you can be. Gravitate to those who are kind and loving and accepting. Accept yourself and find love within yourself.

I have walked your path and chose to walk another. I am, is the most important thing I have learned to finish a sentence with when I think about myself. I am kind to myself. I am kind to others. I love myself. I love others. there can be many more. When you think this you can not think of the negativity.

Best,
Rachel

[MelissaAnn]

My actual question was my marriage a facade to hide my gd and being trans or was she actually like a pill for my gd and I coped knowing that she loved me for who I am and if I change I would lose her and this gave me courage and strength to fight against my gd?

First I would like to address your question. No your marriage wasn't a facade. It's exactly what you needed at the time. But along those lines come the constraints that family and society put on us on a daily bases. In my case I got married because that's what was expected of me. In your post you didn't talk at all about the expectations that were placed on you at the time other than not going to the ball alone. As we go along in life we do things to try and hide who we really are for self protection, This comes from your subconscious with out you really thinking about it. At least this is what this sounds like to me.

As to your whole post, your story is very similar to so many I have talked with. We all live with GD and have expectations on us. we all seem to do things during our life's that we question later when we find ourselves. so you are not alone. Thank you for sharing your story. It will help others along their own journeys.

[Amoré]

When I was with them, I made it all about them, they were what mattered, making them feel loved and happy was all that mattered. They occupied my thoughts completely. It seems to me that this is kinda similar to another coping strategy that I have heard about here a few times; burying yourself in work, keeping yourself busy so that you don't have time to think about yourself. I feel like that is what I was doing just in a different way. I didn't matter, my problems didn't matter.

This can be true when I am with her it is all about her it was always about her keeping her happy doing what was expected. Being a good husband. I am so sad I got back to the house only to find out she went with her cousin away so I am not going to see my popsicle because they want me out tomorrow and this tore me apart when I came here and she was not here.

[Amoré]

Why do people think we can choose to be trans? it is so stupid I did not choose this but my whole world gets destroyed being trans it sucks

[Amoré]

Chat does not work for me I am too drunk to follow chat I know it does not help drinking my problems away I will stop.I am actually sitting in a pretty pink dress and full fem thinking what the hell I have been missing just need the right plumbing between my legs.

[Rachel]

Cis gender people have no comparison. They do not understand. We are a small group and it is easy for ignorant people to associate what the see on TV or in Hollywood as us. TV and Hollywood portray us in a poor light.

I am losing my wife and daughter to a large extent. They do not want to see me transition. They are embarrassed of me and being associated with me. They both need my assistance and I will always be there for them. I did not choose to be trans. I chose to transition because the alternative would leave them alone. Losing them hurts. I can not change how they feel. I can hope when I transition fully my wife and daughter will accept me.

I used a lot of coping mechanisms to put off and address my dysphoria. In the end no matter what I did my coping mechanisms were overwhelmed. Realizing I am unable to fight against being myself and become myself was a turning point. From that point on things are getting better. My energy is not about loss or coping to be a guy but about living and being the best me possible.

in 1998 I gave up alcohol and drugs. I had a choice and a chance given to me. I drank an incredible amount of alcohol and when I stopped I was in a ball, sick and crying; it hurt. Please do not fall into the alcohol trap.

[Amoré]

Cis gender people have no comparison. They do not understand. We are a small group and it is easy for ignorant people to associate what the see on TV or in Hollywood as us. TV and Hollywood portray us in a poor light.

I am losing my wife and daughter to a large extent. They do not want to see me transition. They are embarrassed of me and being associated with me. They both need my assistance and I will always be there for them. I did not choose to be trans. I chose to transition because the alternative would leave them alone. Losing them hurts. I can not change how they feel. I can hope when I transition fully my wife and daughter will accept me.

I used a lot of coping mechanisms to put off and address my dysphoria. In the end no matter what I did my coping mechanisms were overwhelmed. Realizing I am unable to fight against being myself and become myself was a turning point. From that point on things are getting better. My energy is not about loss or coping to be a guy but about living and being the best me possible.

in 1998 I gave up alcohol and drugs. I had a choice and a chance given to me. I drank an incredible amount of alcohol and when I stopped I was in a ball, sick and crying; it hurt. Please do not fall into the alcohol trap.

I will make today my last I am dressed in a pretty pink dress that my mother gave me. I will try my best to be me I did not like drinking really I just think it is something stupid to cope I will stop promise.

[bobbisue]

This is something I heard a long time ago and I found it very profound

who we are is a result of our past experiences and decisions therefore we cannot change who we are only who we will become

   bobbisue   
   PS I am trying to become a better woman each day

[TechGirl]

This is something I heard a long time ago and I found it very profound

who we are is a result of our past experiences and decisions therefore we cannot change who we are only who we will become

   bobbisue   
   PS I am trying to become a better woman each day

Nicely said, whoever the source.

[Stevie]

 I think some people are more in love with being married than they are with the person they married.

[JoanneB]

Many of us follow the similar pattern which I call the "If Only..." route in search of "The Cure". If only I got involved in ___ sport. If only I bulk up. If only I act like a bully. If only I do some stupid adrenaline rush activity. If only I have I g/f and get married. If only I have a kid.

Sometimes it works. Works for a lifetime. Works for part of one. The ole YMMV.

[Deborah]

I tried the if only route too.  Then one day I realized I had accomplished more if onlys than about 99% of CIS men.  I had all tha badges and certificates and trophies but my mind never changed even a little bit.


Sapere Aude

[Adena]

Thanks so much for sharing your story Amoray even as you are going through such a painful period of loss and grief, you are helping others with such posts. I hope to see you progress on your mtf butterfly chart soon and will soon become the woman you were always meant to be.

Love,
Denali

[Amoré]

I am hurting like hell this morning people that got divorced tells me it will get better but I can't see that she told me this morning so I am going to cry about her till the day I die I did not even answer her. It hurts how can this be better and resolve to something better in life.

[stephaniec]

The thing is you'll never really get over it. It's like an oyster that's gets a grain of sand in itself while feeding and can't expel it. I covers it with layers of its mucus to stop the irritation. In the end it produces a pearl. I had something happen to me when I was 19 with a girl , it took me a very long time for the pain to stop and a lifetime to create that pearl..