I felt like killing myself today

[Amoré]

Here where I am it feels like my soul is bleeding. I never in my life imagined that I will hurt like this. I took my stuff and left today I am no longer staying with her under one roof. It was the hardest thing I ever did getting in my car and leaving but that is not a family anymore,my family is gone. I felt like I wanted to die. I wanted to kill myself but I saw my little popsicle and I knew she will adore me as a woman much more than when I am dead and died as a man. I still get the thoughts but I am trying to suppress it.

I feel worthless at this stage I feel unwanted that I am worth nothing. I can't believe it ended today. I can't belief that I was not enough for her.She is my everything let make that (she was my everything). You guys know how I fought for this woman with dysphoria not transitioning.  I wanted to stay a man for her and this was not enough. I really love her and still do. 

Well this is the part where I have to find my female energy the source where the power of being a woman comes from. The power that I would need to carry me through this transition. The power to turn me into a beautiful woman. I was maybe never man enough for her because I maybe was never a man. I wanted to be one but am I really a man then if I am trans.

I guess this is where I stop wondering how I can fix my marriage where how when and why. This is the where I start looking after myself who I am and not worry about pleasing someone else anymore. The marriage is over and me sitting here without the person I love so much is proof of the reality that fell on me. It is over there is no more us there is a me alone here sitting crying hurting wished that I was with my family but she chose to end it.

Well Amoray is the new me then I guess I need it to be because it is a new chance at life a new chance at finding happiness a new chance at starting a family again where the person I am with will see me for who I am and hopefully would not expect me to change me for them. I tried keeping everyone happy and in the end it made me miserable. So why must I continue life miserable then if I want to be a woman and they are unhappy with it. Why must I stay a man so that the next person can tear my soul apart again if I tell them I am trans and I am a woman inside posing as a man to be normal. What is normal is divorcing normal?

Well it is according to her part of life. For me it compares to death. She said she is over it well I can't see that you are over divorce before you get divorced I think it will get to her then it will be too late.

So tonight I am hurting I feel like I am dying inside I can't explain or compare this with anything. I was considering suicide strongly I stopped at the bridge where I planned to jump. I thought about my popsicle and screamed as hard as I could and just drive on.

[Dena]

You are in the worst of it right now and the best thing for you is to be in the company of others. Stay around family and friends as much as possible. It gets better but it will take a while so for the present, keep your schedule full and avoid idle time where your mind will drift back to this way of thinking.

[Emily Rose]

Dena is right. Keep your schedule as busy as possible. I'm going through this myself and keeping busy helps.

We're always here if you need us


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Kova V]

I just want to give you the biggest hug. Just take it one day at a time. This is one of those things that needs time to heal. Keep yourself busy, a daily routine helps. Remember that mourning is part of the process. This too shall pass.

[Rachel]

Amore, I am so sorry you are going through this. Your daughter will need you and she would never understand if you chose suicide. It is very difficult when one partner chooses to end a marriage and the other does not want to end it. As Dena said, be with friends and keep busy.

[gennee]

Amore, I'm so sorry that this has happened. Don't ever feel that you are to blame. It's not your spouses fault either. You just are moving in a different direction. You may see it now but this a new beginning.It hurts, I know, but now you need to decide where too go. You have a young child to think. About also. Your wife may come around in the future. As it has been suggested find people that you can be with and get support.

[Jacqueline]

Amoré

You have been through so much. Like many others, I echo Dena's notes. It is a very painful time but it will pass. Looking at it differently I want to share what a friend recently told me.

She said there are often two ways to look from where you are standing at any given time: Looking back with nostalgia and wish things can be like they were but fear the future and change; looking only to the future as it promises the hope and wonders of the future but deny or ignore the past. She then challenged a friend and I to move outside the normal ways of looking at things.(me outside of the norm, how odd...) She said the past helped form who we are now and may help us to embrace the promise of the future.  Pretty easy to say and hear when one is not in the particular time and place you have just been in. But hope. Dare to dream. Dare to see what your popsicle will do and become.

Some say time heals all wounds. I remember in college deciding that was not true. I believed it just numbs them. Eventually when you don't feel the wound, you kinda forget about it.

I have also read that "Suicide is not a choice. It is what happens when the pain outweighs the ability to cope with the pain." So, we have to get a container full of coping mechanisms. Some are the folks on the forum. Some may be forgetting the present and past for a little. Maybe by getting ice cream and watching some brilliant, stupid, fantastic, magic, true...films. Nap, read junk, listen to heartbreakingly beautiful music. Revisit or create a new obsession I mean hobbies. However, it is safer if you are with or near people who care.

I hope this all smooths out for you. I can't do more than that. I wish you love, acceptance and a great journey.

I hope you feel better.

With warmth,

Joanna

[Adena]

Amoré, sending you a big hug girl!

Most of us can't be where you are to support you in person, but most assuredly our thoughts and/or prayers are with you and please come here anytime you need encouragement or support.

Love,
Denali

[Amoré]

Thank you guys

Well suicide did not feel like a choice yesterday all that stopped me was the thought of my popsicle. The youtube videos of Sona Avedian running around on the play ground with her child. Where she is so cute telling her child she is adorable.

That can be me I am not going to be a father figure anymore or look like your conventional father but I am going to be a better parent than most dad's could be.

All that I can do is push forward now. No matter how hard I must push forward. The pain is overbearing at times it gets to me real bas. I am used to waking up alone for 6 months now but not having my child there is getting to me.

There is no use really sitting ans feeling sorry for myself anymore. This unfortunately something that happened to me and I can't change the reality of it. She wants me gone out of her life so I am gone not only am I gone but the person she married is gone the male me.

[Violets]

I'm sorry to hear you're suffering so badly. As Dena said, you are at the most painful stage now, so this is the most important time to reach out to others; Share the load so-to-speak. You are not alone, you are not worthless, and you WILL get through it. We are here for you as so many of us can relate to exactly what you are going through, including myself.

*Hugs*

[Amoré]

I'm sorry to hear you're suffering so badly. As Dena said, you are at the most painful stage now, so this is the most important time to reach out to others; Share the load so-to-speak. You are not alone, you are not worthless, and you WILL get through it. We are here for you as so many of us can relate to exactly what you are going through, including myself.

*Hugs*

Thank you Violets well I am sitting here fully dressed up female. It hurts me I know this is one of the reasons I lost them they are everything to me. I really hope she and my child is okay and she does not feel like I am feeling today I am at a very bad place a place where I am really considering killing myself. I am trying to keep busy but I cannot concentrate my head just want to default in ridding me of this pain.

I am really in hell I will take cancer over this any day at least I would have had them. 

[LordKAT]

Killing yourself when you are finally able to show yourself as you truly are is hard for me to grasp. You have much to look forward to. I know you feel a lot of pain now. Many have been there. I don't know any magic words, just hope you find that the future is worth looking forward to. Beyond that, all I have are hugs....and hope.

[Amoré]

Killing yourself when you are finally able to show yourself as you truly are is hard for me to grasp. You have much to look forward to. I know you feel a lot of pain now. Many have been there. I don't know any magic words, just hope you find that the future is worth looking forward to. Beyond that, all I have are hugs....and hope.

Sorry LordKAT it is hard to grasp but sitting here being who I truly am is the reason why all of it fell apart in the first place and I have a immense sense of guilt hanging over me and what if I just shut up and kept it to myself. I have so much questions and grief in me at this stage it feels as if I am going to explode from the inside.

For a lot of people this will be a revelation getting to the point where I am sitting here and being able to be yourself. For me I did not want this to happen something in me is pushing for this to happen. It is a force I cannot explain. I wish I could have my family back being the man she loved and not sitting here feeling as if I want to kill myself because I am trans and I want a normal life. I accepted that I am trans I have been diagnosed trans but I don't want to be trans because I will never be normal. I can pass as well as I want but I will always be trans. I lost my family because of this thing in me and that makes me hate myself today. I don't feel free today I feel imprisoned by my own guilt by being trans and that I don't have a choice anymore. I always identified as a girl and I hid it from the world. I won't say I am 100% girl who is we all have our man side but that girl part is dominating. It is hard fitting a mould of a man when you know what you should have been. But you can make it work because you builded life as a man. Then all comes crashing down you sit and watch your whole life turn to dust. Then through all this somewhere in that place you must find yourself you must find your soul who you are to not lose you mind. You must start picking up pieces of yourself and build a new person because what you were is destroyed there is nothing left. You think I am a parent I gave life to a child but how can I be a good parent if I am not good enough to be a husband. You start to wonder what is wrong with yourself why did you have to be the one that have to life with this curse and see everything that you love crashing down. You tried to keep it together but then it came crashing down anyway. So you lose all hope a future does not look like a future anymore but a path of hell. It helps thinking about today and not a life without your wife. But your head jumps around you know you lost her and you feel lost at this stage. It drives you insane and you feel like dying is the easier faster less pain option. But will I take it probably not. It is just thoughts jumping into my head because of pain but I know my popsicle needs me or even the smallest faint way I can be part of her life. I will make that moments count.

I miss my popsicle I miss her giggling in the morning happy to go to school. Dropping her of I really miss my wife's company when all was okay. I miss her body and intimacy. The last fights hurt me immensely she got to my core she picked out stuff to hurt me so bad and I don't know if she was trying to push me out the door with it. I could not take it anymore I felt like my whole being crashed down inside me and I went into auto mode got in my car and left without saying goodbye. I did not say goodbye to my popsicle. I cannot believe the woman I married and loved tore my soul open and threw it into a shredder like that. Can being trans or just having gd break your spouse that much. I know I had a couple of breakdowns after I came out. But she broke down! She changed the woman I love changed and is gone lost I don't know where she went or what happened to her!

I know even if I had a chance to go back today I won't find the woman I love there rather someone that resembles her but is worlds apart. I became her biggest enemy by the looks of things. Is dressing up today bringing me joy no not really it is confirming that I am in pain and that I lost all. It is confirming that I must move on even though my head is planning to kill me. I must push on.

[LordKAT]

Grief is definitely hard to deal with. Losing your partner in life is a major cause of grief. I now understand your pain. (Sorry for having made you explain it all.) Guilt is part of the package. It takes time to get over the loss. Give yourself the time. I know it is hard, but think you will be a more comfortable person when the worst passes. I do so feel for the break up of your family. Doing all that transition takes when you are alone is difficult. I hope you know that you are not alone and that we are here for you.

Keeping your inner self and the pain that goes with it, (dysphoria style), would likely have not been any easier, just drawn it all out.
I hope you are given a chance to have her as a friend in time. As to your child, take some time then see and explain things to them. Try not to say good bye, say see you later. Let them know that none of what is happening is their fault.

Keep your eye on the future as best you can. Hugs and a sympathetic ear are all I have, but you are welcome to them.

[Amoré]

Grief is definitely hard to deal with. Losing your partner in life is a major cause of grief. I now understand your pain. (Sorry for having made you explain it all.) Guilt is part of the package. It takes time to get over the loss. Give yourself the time. I know it is hard, but think you will be a more comfortable person when the worst passes. I do so feel for the break up of your family. Doing all that transition takes when you are alone is difficult. I hope you know that you are not alone and that we are here for you.

Keeping your inner self and the pain that goes with it, (dysphoria style), would likely have not been any easier, just drawn it all out.
I hope you are given a chance to have her as a friend in time. As to your child, take some time then see and explain things to them. Try not to say good bye, say see you later. Let them know that none of what is happening is their fault.

Keep your eye on the future as best you can. Hugs and a sympathetic ear are all I have, but you are welcome to them.

Thank you Lordkat, I am just trying to get by at this stage and speaking about it helps. I never thought 10 years back that this will happen that I will sit here on hrt trying to get by and just survive. My little one is only 2 years old and would not likely remember me as a man. But after looking what happened in my house how my wife lost her mind each time I asked her can we try to make a plan can we try therapy I would stay a man just lets try again. She wanted out she decided that this is the best thing she can do for herself and my child. I won't agree with her choice but that is what she believe that getting away from me will solve all her problems.

She hurt me immensely with things she said. She pushed me to a breaking point where I was crawling on the ground holding her feet and crying and begging like a slave to their master to not punish them. She told me I am weak and pathetic. She started to get physical again and told me she is going to call the police or get her cousin to come and beat me up if I don't get in my car and go. I was not really in the condition to drive things she said why she was leaving me hurt.

She said I emotionally abused her to convince herself that she is bisexual to stay with me if I transition. She said I emotionally abused her to buy things that I want. She said that she gave me everything that I wanted to be happy but she could not make me happy. Well she feels like a failure then I guess.

She told me that I had my last chance I had a chance to proof myself. Well I had a chance in september but she was not fully committed she wanted me to fail to proof she was right so I realised the whole time she was pushing me testing me to break. I asked her am I telling the truth and she said she did test me and try to break me. I could not make it so I had my chance I said I was strong enough and I failed.

This from my own wife. She told me I failed the first couple of days that we tried again well I went to my therapist that monday morning because my father and them was jumping on me telling me I must be trans because I was molested when I was a child. Well I hid all that thoughts for many years and I had to face my fears about several occasions being molested by the same person.Also trying to rape me. I was only 10 or 11 years old at that stage.

Well I came from my therapist and I was crying that images sitting in my head and I had to make piece that I was a victim of this. It took me 3 days to work through it and she thought it is because I have to give up trans or can't transition anymore.

You see my wife for some reason is good at making assumptions she will assume when you are down this is because you are trans it can't be because you found out you did not get a job you applied for it must be because of dysphoria.Well I told her she has got part in this whole thing and she could not admit it. She blames all on me. Then she plays the guilt trip of how my child is going to get bullied because of me transitioning.

Also according to herself she tried to stay with me and cure me and this is where the one problem came in gd is my battle to fight not really your partners battle they want to fight it for you but it does not work. Then they get mad because they could not make it go away and get their husband back but he was never gone .

Well I lost her no matter how I look at it whether it was my fault or her fault or both I lost my partner that I loved more than the world.

[Amoré]

How many people are on here that got divorced because they are trans?

The bad thing is she is not supporting me anymore from that I signed the stupid paper I am liable for my own things.
Well I am hard on the look out for work being trans and looking for work is more scary so I think I should keep it to myself and present male for now at the place of employment if I can get work.

I must do what I can to survive but I am really struggling. I cant believe that I lost my life that I knew just like that it took a year. I know but I cannot recall what I did the last 5 months except stay in my room and cry I did not live I looked for work but I could not function in life. I was caught somewhere in a continuum of being trans not wanting to transition and rescuing my marriage instead of preparing for what is happening now. But I am a woman we adapt and overcome life. We need to do that to survive. I am trying so that my own psych is not driving me insane at this stage.

She is in my head the whole day and I can't get her out I am trying to focus on me but even when I sleep she is in my dreams. Can one person be so part of you that once they rip themselves away it feels that you lost who you are.

Maybe it is because the whole male identity that I had was based on her was attached to her. He was him because of her.But then I realised I am still me I am not a him or a her I am just who I am and I love her. It won't go away no  matter how hard I try I will always carry her in my heart.

[Amoré]

Well today was my truly full day as Amoray.  I did not do much except sit at home and look for work online. I went out to my mothers work too take her phone to her. It is really not something special it is just a feeling of I don't know really how to describe it except maybe harmony. I got ma'm with the people selling stuff at the intersection and I guess that says enough. People is asking my mother who is the woman that sat by her she told them it is her other daughter. 

Well I know it is a tuff road to walk and I am feeling the pressure and stress about transitioning especially while looking for work. My mother advised me to work as male or present male until I have the work. I really want to kill him of because I'm done with that part of my life with the death of my marriage came the death of him.

[Emily.P]

Yesterday and the days before were Your lowest point... now Your life is going to go up. You got over some of it, did not do anything stupid and... time will heal some of those wounds which are still fresh. Some will remain and keep bugging You when weather will be bad and spirits will be low.
But... Your little popsicle if the best that has happened in Your life and no matter what, she loves You now and she will love as You are (children at that age are very flexible and she will accept Your transition as granted). And the love that she will bring back to You... it will outshine those dark days when You will be missing her.

Now... pick Yourself up, dust Yourself down... and finish what You just started .

[cheryl reeves]

Amore I think your mothers advice is good, for til you get your papers changed your still male. I present male but I'm female,when I work I present male. It works for me but I'm weird anyway.
I don't think I could ever totally kill off my male mask,for it's been useful,besides wanting too be married to a woman the male side has uses, my wife is supportive which I'm thankful for.
I wish you the best with your new life.

[Amoré]

Amore I think your mothers advice is good, for til you get your papers changed your still male. I present male but I'm female,when I work I present male. It works for me but I'm weird anyway.
I don't think I could ever totally kill off my male mask,for it's been useful,besides wanting too be married to a woman the male side has uses, my wife is supportive which I'm thankful for.
I wish you the best with your new life.

Maybe but not really I want to live fully female it already uncomfortable changing from one to another as people don't know who to expect. Like Sona I don't think she would have looked so gorgious if she had lived it 50/50. I want to drop him from my life I don't like thde expectation anymore of me presenting male.