Did you have certain 'rules' for dating and/or sex ?

[Nero]

Good morning guys and dolls.

Did you have certain rules for dating and/or sex?
Rules that were for your comfort as a man or woman possessing the 'wrong' body?

I did. I never realized why until now, though.

Rules as in things your date/partner must/must not do?

If you did have certain rules, did you realize at the time they were to ease your discomfort?

[Christo]

b4 top surgery nobody touch my chest not even me.     only me can touch the bottom part.  u can have the rest >

[ketti]

Simple rules. No dating. No sex.

[MichelleA]

Simple rules. No dating. No sex.

After the first date, and I ended up hitting her[I'm heterosexual.. I prefer men.] when in denial when she tried to touch me[..At that age really.] Second date I made rules, then now I just follow.. No Date, no Sex.

Michelle.

[katia]

no penetration of any kind.  trespassing down south (below the belly button) prohibited.   two simple rules that my gf and i followed for many years.  now that we're both post-op, maybe we'll need to think of new ways to accommodate our needs once we're healed.  dunno.   we still have a long way to go before we could even consider testing the new equipment. 

[Yvonne]

Intimacy but no sex.  I just responded something about this on another topic.

[LostInTime]

No current military members.
No ex-military members.
No one who is married unless their SO consents (and I get to sit down with him or her to hammer out expectations).
No federal employees of any kind, law enforcement or not.
No cops.
Not any mechanic I may want to hire in the future.
Love me, love my sidearm. No one who cannot stomach the fact that I have to carry.
No vanilla types.
No one who cannot keep up with me mentally and physically.
No one night stands.
No one who is emotionally distant, I cannot form good bonds with such individuals.

I set the pace that I wish to move at and not anyone else's.

Must accept the fact that I am emotionally high maintenance.

Must be willing to make me a part of their life. If you feel that I cannot attend company picnics, meet your family or friends, etc then I am not the right girl for you.

Dating does not equal automatic sex. Kinky play does not automatically equal sex.

[tinkerbell]

It was always "don't ever touch me there".  After I began to change physically with HRT, the disgust and hatred towards my anatomy grew stronger so I gave up sex completely.  Of course this is not easy when you are in a long time relationship but it had to be done regardless of the consequences (which all of you know what they are) I guess I became somewhat asexual, for I didn't have any sexual drive at all.  The mere thought of having sex with the wrong anatomy was disgusting and traumatic to me, so my second rule was "no more sex".  That was the beginning of the end of a relationship of sixteen years which ended last April.

tink

[demanorio]

I guess I'm pretty lucky as far as the dating scene goes.  My fiance and I have been together for four years, I came out to her a little over a year ago, fully expecting her to dump me with the "i'm a lesbian, i don't like men" kind of talk, but she was very supportive.  She probably already knew on some level.  Of course, we set up rules that she fully respects, no touching between the collarbone and the bellybutton, my vag was already off-limits (no sensation there for whatever reason), but clit attention greatly appreciated.

[buttercup]

Simple rules. No dating. No sex.

Same atm. 

[Rashelle]

1. Had to be willing and do so for public atmittance that they are seeing/dating me. In other words in redneckville they had to be willing to kiss me in front of everyone in a k-mart parking lot outside the doors at midday on a summer day. If they couldn't acknowledge me then they weren't worth my effort.

2. I am female. Don't treat me like a male.

3. They had to be kinky. I'm Domme not sub. I also did not want someone who was too submissive.

4. No children, no animals, no coercion. Other things may be negotiable.

That's what I can think of at the moment.

Rashelle

[LostInTime]

3. They had to be kinky. I'm Domme not sub. I also did not want someone who was too submissive.

I am a Switch but I think once I settle with someone they will have to be Dominant and allow me to Top others from time to time. I do not think I could settle down in the Domme role for a perm relationship. Have to remember to add that to the list. 

[gothique11]

Glarg. Am I the only one with no rules? LOL

Well, okay, actually I only have a few:

1. Treat me as the woman I am and respect who I am.

2. Don't expect me to use my thingy down there.

3. I'm going for GRS, so don't expect me not to for you.


Urm, I get the feeling that I'm perhaps the most sexually active girl here (well, pre-op, I don't know about all of the post-ops). Not that it happens all of the time. Most of the time it's making out, etc. I just have to remember to be careful, since I discovered that not everyone I'm with knows that I'm TS. A couple months ago I ended up having to explain it to a guy who I made out with for a month and still had no clue. It's good that he was accepting (and I was very surprised that he didn't know at all). We ended up sleeping together, but then broke up after that. I'm not very good with relationships, actually. But yeah, I'm more careful now since then because I realized that if it was the wrong guy I could of been hurt or worse.

I have no idea why so many people are attracted to me. I'm constantly having people going for me when I'm out, and then the amount of messages I get on the internet. It's weird. I never had this many people chase after me before. It's kind of annoying actually. And then I end up with people and come out feeling like a slut and used. It feels empty. And I have no idea why I walk into these situations so easily, and why I run into men who are players and just want to sleep around with me, and not actually be in a relationship with me.



Posted on: October 09, 2007, 08:33:50 PMAs for Kinky stuff, I'm pretty specific on what I like (I'm a sensation whore), so I like someone who is dominate, but not over baring at the same time or controlling. It's hard to explain. My ex-girlfriend and are both subs, so that made it hard for the relationship and we would switch but neither of us liked doing that. And with both liked different things on top of that.

Posted on: October 09, 2007, 08:37:48 PMOh yeah, I guess one other rule would be that I'm poly, so one shouldn't expect to tie me down to a mono relationship. I don't do well with them and not ready to settle down that way. I did that recently, and actually gave up being poly for it -- it ended up in lots of conflicts (not just on the poly thing). My ex and I are actually sorta dating sometimes now, it's weird, but we don't but a label on it. We're still great friends and live in the same apartment. We went poly at the end, but then it just ended up messing other things. Communication is a big key player in that.

Oh another rule: communicate with me. I don't like it when people are unwilling to communicate or work out issues, etc, and so on.

Posted on: October 09, 2007, 08:40:36 PMThese are my "rules" I put on one of my facebook notes while thinking of this topic. It's based on several things, from relationships I've had with men, and also the annoying people who facebook me, myspace me, youtube, and etc. So, yeah, there is some life experience in here...



1. Be man enough to like me for who I am. Don't hide me. Don't keep me a secret from all of your friends because you have don't have enough self-confidence in your manhood to be proud you're dating me.

2. Don't expect me to use my bits down there. Don't ask me to, period.

3. Don't ask me to keep the parts down there. I'm getting them surgically corrected. I'm not keeping them for you or anyone else. If you like penises, perhaps you should consider coming out of the closet.

4. If your a man and you sleep with me, it means you're straight. It's insulting when you sit there and think that it's gay sex. It means you don't see or respect me as a woman.

5. Expect that I'm going to have good and bad days. I'm going through a lot of changes, and so I'm not always going to be easy to be around. I have wonderful teenage-like hormones coursing through my body, like ninjas ready to attack or to cry like an emo. It's that dramatic, believe me!

6. Communicate with me. Talk with to me. I don't want to sit there and play psychic. I want to get to know you.

7. I'm not interested in one-night stands. They are too empty. I'm not some fantasy girl that you can live out your taboo on. I'm a real girl with real girl feelings. Date me first.

8. If you like me but you're waiting for me to get "surgery" before you make your move -- you're shallow. If you can't love me for who I am now and totally, you're not worth my time.

9. I'm a woman; respect that. If you ever call me a guy, you'll have genital surgery way before I do!

10. Just because I have mis-matched parts down there, it doesn't mean that I'm less of a woman or some kind of freak. To subjugate a woman to just a body part is not only insulting, but lacks respect for all woman kind.

11. If you're a ->-bleeped-<- ->-bleeped-<-, you're wasting your time with me. I get enough of the same emails telling me how beautiful I am and blah, blah, blah. I want to be loved because I'm a woman, not because I'm a transsexual. If you love ->-bleeped-<-s so much, why don't you become a ->-bleeped-<- so you can go ->-bleeped-<- yourself.

12. I'll insert something here later.

13. Realize I'm a princess, so I'll come up with more rules as I go along.



Anyway, those are my rules.


--natalie

[shanetastic]

11. If you're a ->-bleeped-<- ->-bleeped-<-, you're wasting your time with me. I get enough of the same emails telling me how beautiful I am and blah, blah, blah. I want to be loved because I'm a woman, not because I'm a transsexual. If you love ->-bleeped-<-s so much, why don't you become a ->-bleeped-<- so you can go ->-bleeped-<- yourself

I personally enjoyed that one a lot Natalie

[ravenx]

well i was sortov "all in" with my dates (im bi by the way) and i really only meant no on the intercourse part. maybe i somewhat regret that because even though i was with an understanding few(i must be really lucky) i was just really scared for some reason throughout the whole thing... which makes me believe that im probably not ready for that stuff yet. i found out i cant do top... its creepy, but i just shut down sexually when that happens... akward much!!!! i guess that works out as a rule too.

[melissa90299]

BTW  guys who are ->-bleeped-<-s rarely admit they "know." I went through a really bad sexual addiction after I lost weight and found that even at my age there were more men out there then I could very meet in a hundred lifetimes.

I reached a bottom in my addictions (sexual, relationship, drugs, alcohol) and lost almost all my self-esteem. I severed all my relationships after I got sober, now, being post-op almost four months, I want to date and become sexually addictive. However, I realize that if I go back to my old ways, it will be a slippery slope back to all my addictions. So I have to set boundaries.

Basically, even though getting into relationships is not generally recommended in the first year of sobriety (I am seven months) My therapists have gone along with my decision to start dating but I am going to tread lightly.  I would like to say "no sex until there is a committed relationship." That is the SLAA (sex, love addiction anonymous) guideline. But at the very least, I will get to know someone first before having sex with him or her.

As transwomen, we are particularly vulnerable to predatory men (and women), many of whom think TSs are easy. Or are just using us to "explore their kink." (especially pre-op) These men are readily available on the internet as it is the only way thay can meet transwomen. There are millions of ->-bleeped-<-s and relatively few of us, the supply greatly exceeds the demand. That is why it is very easy for transwomen to finance their surgeries by turning tricks. At this time, I am not accepting internet dates. (I still have a want ad out there that I can't delete because I lost the username and password) I had some great casual sex when I was addicted but I now realized feeling used and losing my self-esteem is too high a price to pay. And, besides, I have quality guys who want to date me. (Far less than the costant flow of creeps who hit on me but dating isn't easy for any women in their fifties)

[kalt]

Yeesh.  Use the plumbing you've got at the tiem.  If you don't trust whoever you're with to accept it, then you shouldn't be with that person.
At least, that's my perspective, but I'm kind of a nympho.

But, kind of ironic I say that considering that I've hardly done anything with anyone since I started masculinizing after my HRT was taken away from me>.>

But when I was on it, it was like my libido went through the roof, when it's supposed to do the opposite and be buried.

[gothique11]

BTW  guys who are ->-bleeped-<-s rarely admit they "know." I went through a really bad sexual addiction after I lost weight and found that even at my age there were more men out there then I could very meet in a hundred lifetimes.

I reached a bottom in my addictions (sexual, relationship, drugs, alcohol) and lost almost all my self-esteem. I severed all my relationships after I got sober, now, being post-op almost four months, I want to date and become sexually addictive. However, I realize that if I go back to my old ways, it will be a slippery slope back to all my addictions. So I have to set boundaries.

Basically, even though getting into relationships is not generally recommended in the first year of sobriety (I am seven months) My therapists have gone along with my decision to start dating but I am going to tread lightly.  I would like to say "no sex until there is a committed relationship." That is the SLAA (sex, love addiction anonymous) guideline. But at the very least, I will get to know someone first before having sex with him or her.

As transwomen, we are particularly vulnerable to predatory men (and women), many of whom think TSs are easy. Or are just using us to "explore their kink." (especially pre-op) These men are readily available on the internet as it is the only way thay can meet transwomen. There are millions of ->-bleeped-<-s and relatively few of us, the supply greatly exceeds the demand. That is why it is very easy for transwomen to finance their surgeries by turning tricks. At this time, I am not accepting internet dates. (I still have a want ad out there that I can't delete because I lost the username and password) I had some great casual sex when I was addicted but I now realized feeling used and losing my self-esteem is too high a price to pay. And, besides, I have quality guys who want to date me. (Far less than the costant flow of creeps who hit on me but dating isn't easy for any women in their fifties)

Setting boundaries is good. Never sell yourself out! I think that's great that you want to be in a relationship that's committed before you have sex. There is nothing wrong with that. I'm at that point, too. I've been there and done the one night stand stuff, the casual sex, and blah, blah, blah. But, really, I'm not interested it in any more. I find sex withing a good relationship is much more fulfilling for me.

And I know what you mean about ->-bleeped-<-s. So many of them annoy me. They know that at lot of TS people are going through a lot of issues -- transitioning isn't easy. Being a woman isn't easy. A lot play on that, sadly.

And yeah, I know people who've financed SRS and FFS through turning tricks. I also know TS people who are stuck because the money is so good, and they know what if they get rid of the lower part their income is doing to drop (FFS is different, that will bring you in more dollars). It's a very hard situation to be in. I don't have a lot of cash, and it's hard. Some days the money can be tempting (especially that I've had cam work offered to me on several occasions, and I know what kind of money I can expect). (And I would never to street work, it's way more dangerous... the down side to cam/pics is that once you are out there, it can always come back to you).

But, really, when I look at it I know that I'd feel like that I was selling myself out, especially when it comes to making cash off being TS. I don't want being TS to be my lively hood.

My mom was an escort worker and also had drug addictions. That was what my childhood was like. So, I got to see first hand what it is like. I know TS people who are escorts, and I know the struggles they go through. I know people who've been doing the work for years and years telling themselves that they will get out of it... they have the money for SRS, but they know once things are changed down there, the money is gone.

So, it's a very hard situation and a scary one. It's sad that so many TS girls end up getting to the point where they go this direction. That is really why I wish more governments and insurance companies will make treating trans patients a priority and getting surgery a priority.

Now, I do understand that some people want their parts down there and want to be on cam, rack in the riches, etc, etc. I know people like that, too. They have no interest in transitioning, but realize that the ->-bleeped-<- market is dollar signs. In their mind, they are taking advantage of the ->-bleeped-<-. But, at the same time, so many TS people get mixed into it for other reasons and motivations, which actually hurts them.


--natalie

[Butterfly]

Dating Ok, intimacy Ok, sex not-ok.

[kalt]

Some days the money can be tempting (especially that I've had cam work offered to me on several occasions, and I know what kind of money I can expect). (And I would never to street work, it's way more dangerous... the down side to cam/pics is that once you are out there, it can always come back to you).

You know... I've considered doing that more often than not actually.  I mean, starting a site like that and mapping my transition from the start to the finish.  If I knew more about how to work a site, and if I had someone to help take pics, and if I could estimate taht it would make enough money to be considerably, I'd probably do it.
The moral implications of that really don't bother me, considering I'm not hurting anyone.

It's the transsexuals who go out there and display themselves as nothing but freakish sex objects that hurt the image and build on the stereotypes that all MtFs are nothing but horny ->-bleeped-<-s that delight in being taboo different.

Sex isn't a bad thing, if it's kept within the boundaries you decide to set for it, because it's your own life.  I don't know whether sex should be marketable, I suppose it wouldn't be bad if there were laws centered around it to keep it safe for both parties like in Spain.  And, I'd much rather the prostitution industry that's ALREADY active be monitored with checkups, held privy to protection laws, and also be registered.  If it's organized by the government like tobacco or something, then it won't be POSSIBLE for minors to go in and sell themselves.  There also won't be pimps, the associates will be protected against unruly clients, and what's more is that there will be set standards and procedures.  it will be off the streets too, making plenty of places a much more pleasant place to live.

And who are we kidding anyways?  Sex and money go hand in hand, rich people have more sex.  Money buys sex.  Sex has a tendency to sell itself.  I mean, between movie tickets, expensive dinners, and shopping, I can actualyl see how a guy who's simply looking for someone to do would prefer to just go get a non-complicated service instead of beating around the bush and spending a fortune when both parties know what's up.

I find it strange that so many people would be so concerned with their own gender but so afraid of expressing who they are in sex.  Sex is the basis of gender.  The way I see it(no pun intended), is that a transsexual who transitions but then doesn't do anything with it is like someone who buys a car but doesn't drive it.  I think that it's just as important for any t-lady or t-man to practice self restraint as it would be for any heterosexual.  What I see is a lot of fear running the lives of you guys.  I wish you guys wouldn't let it do that.  Transitioning is about facing yourself and breaking free, not changing yourself only so you can cover up even better.  That's what happens a lot, someone transitions to live a more comfortable life, but that comfortable life consists of being a hermit.  This happens because transitioning is an enormous investment, both emotionally and financially.  E M Forster writes about how the more you invest, the greater you're tied down.  Dont' let that happen.  Transitioning is an investment that needs to be tossed down the toilet!  You shouldn't hide it away, protect it with everything you can, you should go out and display yourself to the world, live without inhibition, live like you would if you had been born as the person you are now.

Bleck, I probably went and incurred the wrath of the forum parrots.
Time to run away now, prolly have negative reps and permanent banning by tomorrow morning...