Trying to Discover Myself

[Ratpacker]

Hi everyone! I'd rather not share my name just yet, but I've been looking around this place for a while, and I find everyone here to be so lovely, and I feel comfortable talking to you all. I'm 25 years old, and I am strongly considering the fact that I could be transgender. But I'm scared of all the doubts in my head, and all of the signs pointing toward no. Maybe hearing my story (abridged) could help.

Ever since about the age of 12, I've had a huge fascination with the life of a girl, and a desire in the back of my head to be one. I would watch cartoons where a guy changes gender, or I'd look at artwork of it. As I came into puberty, it turned into an arousal. I don't believe I've ever really pleasured myself to the idea of being with a girl, or to a girl. It's always been turning into one. I tried crossdressing once, but stopped when I felt weird, and I felt God would smite me or something. I was raised in a strict irish catholic family, and I thought for a while that it was wrong. Heck, I used to be homophobic as well. certainly not anymore though.

It wasn't until a particularly dark time in my life that I was forced to discover myself, and who I am. A friend of mine encouraged me to explore my female side. I went all out with crossdressing this time, and I loved it. It felt good, and I loved the reactions I'd get when I'd post pictures of myself on private picture uploading sites. (Nothing remotely sexual) I felt pretty, and cute, and it felt so much better to me than feeling handsome, or cool, or whatever it was I was forced to think guys were. I never really felt comfortable in my male sexuality. I've always been a much more sensitive, emotional person, who isn't much into sex. I'm more into affection, and I've always felt that my brain was more wired for a female. The crossdressing felt great, but eventually, that thrill wore off when I realized I just felt fake. I felt like a drag queen or something, and it wasn't enough. I began to ask my friends to start referring to me in the female name and pronouns, and that also felt incredible.

Now I'm wondering what I should do. I have a strong desire to transition, but I also worry so badly that this could just be some phase, and once the excitement wears off, I'll regret it. :/ Is any of this normal for a trans woman? Is it exciting? Does that makes sense? And is it okay for that to wear down? I'm scared, and a little confused. I'd really like to start hormones, and start living as a girl, but I also see other trans women, and see their stories. Most are always talking about how it wasn't questionable to them at any point. That transitioning was a necessity to live, and I'm not sure I feel that way yet. I feel a very strong desire, and I feel it would make me happier. I also feel wrong in my male presentation. It's all so confusing, and it's depressing me. :/ Sorry to ramble on like that. 

[Ms Grace]

Hi!

Welcome to Susan's    Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

Considering how long and intently you've been thinking about being female I'd suggest it is more than "just a phase". The best thing to do is have a chat with a therapist or counsellor who has experience with gender so you can sort out your gender identity and decide on what course, if any, you might want to take.

Please check out the following links for site rules, helpful tips and other info...

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

Cheers

Grace

[LivingTheDream]

Heyas.

Sounds to me that you fall somewhere along the trans spectrum; where exactly you fit and what you do about it are things only you can figure out.

I'd say that since you have a strong desire to transition that you should definitely start looking into it, gathering info and such (this is a pretty good place to look  ). You could start by seeing someone about this, a therapist, or going to a support group too; they can be really helpful. Depending on your location you may need a therapist to start hrt if you decide to go that route but at the very least they can help you figure out things. There are many other little (and big) things you can do too now: could remove body and facial hair (laser or electrolysis for face, start that tomorrow if you hate facial hair lol, it takes forever and sucks!), do nails, start growing out hair, maybe do some clothes shopping, etc etc etc.

I wouldn't worry all that much about comparing stories; we're all different and there isn't one story that fits all either. Comparing myself with others kinda harmed me actually, in the sense that I would read something and be like, oh my god that's me, I must be trans, then read another and question and doubt things.

I think many of us question this: question if we are actually trans, question if we want or need to transition, question if we can pull it off even. I'd say it's totally normal; transitioning is a huge thing. It take a long time, a lot of work, cost lots of money; it's a huge commitment, throw in other things such as some consquences you may face as a result; loss of wife/gf/husband, bf, kids, family and friend rejection, how your seen and treated in public by strangers, violence factor, etc; so ya, questioning seems pretty normal for me.

Personally, in my case, I can't say with certainty that it was transition or die for me. I was pretty depressed,even had occasional suicidal thoughts, and I did feel like I had nothing to lose by trying. It wasn't that that made me start tho; for me it was about being free, becoming who I wanted to become for a long time (a girl). Ya, it was exciting, why wouldn't it be? I too felt it would make me happier.

It was scary too. I still wasn't 100% sure I was trans, I wasn't 100% sure I wanted this, I was worried bout regret too. I went about it by taking things slowly, step by step, trial and error and with each step I took (laser, hrt, actually presenting female in public and in front of friends and family), I felt better and better.

That's what matters, you're happiness. If you think it would make you happier I'd tell you to go for it.

[KathyLauren]

but I also see other trans women, and see their stories. Most are always talking about how it wasn't questionable to them at any point. That transitioning was a necessity to live, and I'm not sure I feel that way yet. I feel a very strong desire, and I feel it would make me happier. I also feel wrong in my male presentation. It's all so confusing, and it's depressing me. :/ Sorry to ramble on like that.

While it is true that many trans women knew they were in the "wrong body" from a very young age, it seems to me from reading people's posts here that stories like yours and mine are more common.  Having doubts is normal.  Wanting to be a woman rather than thinking you are one is common.  It's all part of the rather broad spectrum of what it means to be transgender.

So, stick around and explore what it means for you. 

[Emily Rose]

Hi ratpack.

It seams like we are in similar situations. Although I have thought about this before, this is the first time I've actually had a desire to see exactly what I want and the most important bit is it is right for me.

I have a lot of baggage and questions. But the best advice I've been given so far is to find out what is right for me. I've made an appointment to see a GP and have tried to work out what I'll say so we'll have to see what happens.

Another tip I got was to seek out my local LGBT group or find a gender therapist. I'm looking at these in case my initial plan fails.

I've only been here a few days and have found the help and support unbelievable. There's a lots of experience here and it very good advice. As I have found though, it's something you should consider carefully. Try not to get too far ahead of yourself and as I said earlier, make sure he decisions you make are right for you.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk