I am having the worst year of my life and this week has been the worst week of that horrible year. I been dealing with, over the past, well actually since a month after I started HRT in September of 2014, 18 months of unemployment followed by under employment until I started working full time with people with TBIs at the beginning of the year. Finally everything fell apart and we were notified that we were being evicted as of yesterday. We began packing up and looking for a new place and in the middle of that 3 feet (about a metre) of snow was dropped on us which slowed down the whole move. Today I find myself exhausted, with stuff still to put into storage, and homeless. I feel that I've totally let Randi down. This whole thing made me so upset and insecure that I admitted to Randi that I really did not want the divorce she asked for last May. She told me that we are not a couple, just very good friends, and she still wants it. She wants me with her, but there's no where for us to be together even that much, or even, really, anywhere for us to exist even separately.
Her attitude is entirely to do with me being trans, she's made that clear, although she's made no effort to secure that divorce she's asked for. For my part, even with that loss, I know that transition has been good for me because prior to it, for much less serious issues that these, I've seriously considered suicide. I'm not considering it now. I would consider changing locations, I'm up to here with snow (literally). I won't go because I love what I do and the loving, supportive clients and staff I work with and I don't know where I would ever find that again.
So at 57 I'm homeless, I've effectively lost the love of my life and I don't see myself replacing her. What lesbian would want an old pansexual trans dyke who will never be able to afford that final surgery? (Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself. I know that love is still a possibility. I just don't feel that it is.)
