What made me unhappy today ...
For more than six years, I have worked full-time for a man of Indian descent in a job that requires extensive interaction with the public. Our working relationship has been stellar, and he has long regarded me as not only his best employee, but the best he has ever seen at my job. I have worked in an atmosphere of trust and positive regard.
When I suspected I was trans, almost a year ago, I knew I would want to get my ears pierced; so, when sending him a business-related email, I asked him if it would be an issue. He didn't respond. So, the next chance I had to speak to him, I brought it up. It was plain to me that it was a subject he did not want to discuss with me; he was clearly uncomfortable. I did manage to get his OK; but, later, a co-worker disclosed to me that he had said something about it to her. After this, naturally, I wondered, with some trepidation what his reaction would be to finding out I was trans.
As the months went on, I gradually came out to most of my co-workers. My relationship with dysphoria is unusual, based on what I've read other girls experience. It's there, but I managed for so long without realizing what it was that my defense mechanisms kick in automatically. I often notice it in retrospect; I see myself react to something, then realize, "Oh, that was dysphoria." My birth name brings this out a lot, lately. I began using my new name at work before it was legal. I don't see my boss very often because of the hours I work and because he manages several businesses; so, we never discussed it. I was just getting to the point where my birth name was becoming a real trial to me, psychologically, and I needed to make the change. I used my new name on my paperwork for several weeks, and never heard a peep.
When the process began of formalizing my name change by getting a court order, I notified him by email that I would be changing my name and would update him when I had a new ID and social security card, which I thought he would need to see. No response. After I got these documents, I notified him by email. No response. Furthermore, I have begun to sense that the way he deals with me has shifted. Things that would previously have led to a phone call from him are now being communicated through an intermediary. I recently got a note from him that was, not harsh, but not as cordial as his notes have usually been for the last six years. And this is, I think, significant: the note was dictated by him to someone else who transcribed it -- someone who knows I'm trans, an ally, someone who would never address me by my birth name -- and it addressed me as [deadname]. This was obviously intentional. When I asked the person who transcribed it who had written the note, she looked uncomfortable and said she had written it as she had been told to write it. This is indicative of more than discomfort on my boss' part; it suggests hostility.
Maybe I'm being overly sensitive. Maybe I'm reading too much into this. But I'm worried. Trans is not a protected class where I live; but, while my job security does concern me, it's really the change I fear in my working environment that has me down today. I'm really down about this.
I've decided to take what I would normally consider an extreme measure. I left a message for a management-level subordinate of his at one of his other businesses, someone who has worked for him for many years, asking her to call me tomorrow. As far as I know, she doesn't know I'm trans – though who knows, with the rumor mill – and I'm going to explain the situation to her and get her feedback. Worst-case scenario, I'm going to ask her to speak to him; if he feels about me the way I suspect, I'm the last person he wants to talk to.
This just really has me down tonight, and I needed to tell someone.
P.S. It's funny about my birth name. Sometimes, now, I can barely bring myself to say it. Sometimes, I can't say it at all. For instance, when I left the message for the management-level subordinate I mentioned, the person taking the message naturally wanted to know who was calling; and, although this woman knows me by my birth name only, I couldn't bring myself to say it. I ended up just telling the person taking the message that it was the [job title] at [this other business], and saying she would know who I was. Funny, huh?
