I hate not having any friends. I spent most of today driving around to thrift stores and taking to someone on OkCupid. She's really nice, but one thing has been eating at me all day... at one point, she asked about my friends and I told her that I hardly have any around here because I just have trouble making them. She asked me if I had any guess as to why that is, and.... I don't know. I know my anxiety plays a big part, but there's something else for sure. That whole thing with the Gambler was really just... it's something I'm used to. One time, in college, some people from down the hall asked to borrow my roommate's TV to watch a movie. I asked them what they were watching, just to make small talk. "Nothing with you." That's it. That's what they told me. I barely knew them and they already hated me.
Another time, though, some of my friends put together a little party for my birthday and I broke down in tears. It was and still is the only time I've ever actually felt wanted. Then I had to leave school after that year because my mental health got really bad, and now they've all graduated anyway. We're still friends on Facebook, but that's it.
And hey, speaking of college.... I don't think I'll ever finish. I don't want to get into it right now though.... but have you ever seen the episode of The Wonder Years called Private Butthead? Where Wayne tries to join the army but fails the physical, and then when his dad comes to pick him up, he asks himself why he can't do anything right? I relate to that so much. I can't do anything either.
I just feel like such a failure. Nobody likes me, I can barely get by on my own, and I just have nowhere to turn.
