I've been in a really dark place for the last few weeks due to a domino effect of several personal life issues/stress (STILL haven't heard back definitively about that job from 2 weeks ago, & having severe difficulty finding another, struggling with bills a a result, plus other issues), and it's begun having a serious impact on my self esteem & dysphoria. I just feel disgusting, like I've left behind my assigned gender, but I'm not far enough along on the HRT & transitioning train to feel at all comfortable presenting to world as female yet, so it feels like I'm in some awful purgatory where I'm not really anything, just an 'it', and an 'it' that can't even find a job at that.
I know this is a headtrip and it will pass, i really do, but it's just so hard right now & I'm utterly alone. Other than this place, I really don't have anyone I can talk to about what I'm going through, they just don't have the visceral understanding of what it's like to utterly loathe what you see in the mirror every day because that's not what you want to be. They care, and are as understanding as they can be, but it's different. They just can't empathize. And even after I found this place, thanks to my Asperger's, plus years of being forced to deal alone, it's still like pulling teeth to make myself open up.
Just trying to keep my head up, keep fighting for what I know is right for me, and I will. But right now, I'd really like to just time skip to when all this stressful, depressive stuff i'm going through right now is behind me.
