Hey everyone. I have literally just signed up to the site. I have spent weeks searching for a gender psychologist in the part of England I live but have had no luck (north west England). I have tried looking for people to talk to on chat rooms but haven't found anyone really interested and also don't know where to look for some advice and people to talk to as it doesn't really fit into general chat rooms or gay chat rooms. I know I need to find psychological help but it would also help having you guys' input.
Basically I am so lost right now. I have always identified as a gay man. Not an effeminate male, not overly macho, just normal and not out to family. I am in my mid 20s. I have spent a lot of money getting procedures done which all are the procedures done in FFS (brow shave, jaw shave, laser hair removal etc). I always told myself it was because I wanted to be a pretty handsome make (but still masculine and not an effeminate man). I just wanted to look beautiful rather than like a Neanderthal. But at the same time I was trying to bulk my muscles up to have the perfect male physique. Only a couple of months ago it was like one day I suddenly had a realisation, maybe I am actually transgender. I have never liked taking selfies or pictures of myself, but recently I bought a wig, tried eye makeup for the first time and lipstick etc, and I felt comfortable with the pictures I had taken. I kind of felt that I look better as a woman than a man (my face, not my body as I am still quite bulky and muscular).
I have been treated for body dismorohia before but now I think maybe it was never body dismorphia, maybe it was gender dismorphia, and that us why I always felt ugly taking pictures as a male and trying to change my appearance. I love the idea of being protected by a man and have a boyfriend and I know gender and sexuality is two completely different things I won't discuss here. I like men, and like to be the passive one in a relationship, sexual or non-sexual. I played with dolls when I was a child and always had the interest of playing with hair and what you would consider feminine things, but I never was overtly feminine and have never been described in such way. Looking back I think maybe it all makes sense. My desire to change my face to look more feminine, laser hair removal etc. I feel if I transition I am scared because I am tall and have an athletic body, so I feel even if I had a feminine face, I could never pass as I have very broad shoulders and muscles. I know hormone therapy would help but it would never change my road shoulders. If it is diagnosed that I am transgender I would rather stay male rather than dress as a woman but look like a man in a dress. Regarding genitalia I have never had a problem with mine, and have always felt very fortunate about my own size. Never have I had a strong desire to have a vagina but the thought of having big breasts does interest me so that really does confuse me.
I know everyone will say I just need to start talking to a gender psychologist and I will continue to try and find one (anyone who knows one in north west England I would appreciate you mention their number), but aside from that I would love to hear what your thoughts are and what you think? (Ie if it sounds like I may be trans etc...). It's like I feel if I were to transition I would just have to focus on hormone therapy to make my body more feminine but I have done most the work on my face already. I am so lost and confused. Either continue living feeling ugly as a man, or changing to a girl, enjoying hair and makeup, but risk just looking like a feminine face on a huge muscle broad shoulder and ribs body.
