The Thrill

[RedheadWhovian]

Hi everyone, I have yet another question I'd like to ask you all. I apologize for being such an ignorant girl. XD

Anyway, today marks 2 months on HRT for me. It started off very well. I was so ecstatic as I began transitioning to my female life. Had a moment where I went with my one female friend to get shirts and a purse. I don't remember being so excited for something. It was so thrilling to start really diving into the life. My friends have also been calling me by my female name for about 3 months now. As for the hormones themselves, they made me feel great. At least I thought it was them.

But these past two weeks, everything seems to have changed. I've been sapped of all my energy, and I have to take a nap in the day to even get through it. I'm also finding the thrill is completely gone. I don't find myself nearly as excited about the transition anymore, which is scaring me. :/ I'm starting to have doubts, and I wish that was not the case. I may have some explanations, and I hope maybe some women here could shed some light on this situation for me. For starters, my endo believes my testosterone levels may be too low, or that my spiro simply hasn't done the job well enough yet to let my estrogen in. Then there is my therapist, who said this...

I'll just copy and paste my Deviantart journal entry:

"Something that has been worrying me constantly this week is the fact that the thrill of being a girl is starting to wear down. My heart doesn't race anymore as I look at myself all dolled up. I was terrified that this could mean I've been making a mistake this whole time, and that this was all some temporary excitement sort of deal. I still am scared of that, to be honest. But at the same time, I know going back as a male has no appeal. It was a confusing, painful week.

But then my therapist, and a very good friend on here (:wink kiss: ) told me something that I thought made so much sense. It's because being a woman is starting to become the new normal for me. I'm starting to get over the shock and excitement, and it's starting to simply be who I am. Am I still comfortable dressed as a girl? You bet! But am I overwhelmed? Do I think much about it when I do it at night now? No, not really. My therapist believes that I was confusing this level of thrill as a means of justification for being trans. In reality, she is probably right. I'm so used to wearing my cut pajama shorts now, every night, and wearing my ladies underwear that it's become second nature. At first I was worried this means I'm going down the wrong path, but it's not like at any point being a male in male clothing ever felt exhilarating. I did it cause it was the mundane same old same old. Now, my life as a girl is starting to feel like my normal, and that's completely natural, right? I don't need to constantly feel like "YES! I'm there! I feel so cute, and pretty, and I love myself now!"

It's just fine to feel comfortable like this, right? To just let it flow, and barely think about it anymore? I hope that makes sense. :/"

Does that make sense? Did anyone else have these discouraging moments? I used to get turned on by the thought of being a girl too. That is now gone, but I imagine that may be because it's now my new normal. Part of me may just be scared as well, that much of this is irreversible. But I know I still don't have a desire to stop. If anyone could offer some help, I'd really appreciate it.

- Katie

[Ms Grace]

It's just fine to feel comfortable like this, right? To just let it flow, and barely think about it anymore?

This is totally the point. Like any long journey, starting out is usually a thrill and then comes the day to day slog of getting where you are going. You'll find there are ups and downs along the way, that is normal, that is life. Cis people don't wake up thrilled to be the gender they are, they just get on with life.

The tiredness is common, a drop in testosterone will do that. The estrogen should help even it out soon but if not tell your doc.

[Emily R]

Hi Katie,

Don't feel like you are the only one going thru this, as I have been feeling pretty much the same way for the last few days, fearful of making the wrong decision, of being crazy at age 62 and start growing boobs and transitioning.

I too recently started with transition dosages of Estradiol and Spiro in the last 2 or 3 months, where I had previously been on low dosage of estradiol alone for 6 months which did not affect me this way,  I don't quite think that it is that being female is no longer a novelty, but I think that the hormones affect the brain for a period of time in which it is changing from being saturated with Testosterone and switching to Estrogen and it changes not just our physical appearance but also makes think us think more feminine way in which our interest become second priorities to those which affect the people we love and care such as family and friends.

I am just thinking or typing out-loud, but other transgender friends father along or having completed their transitions have told me that they have also gone thru periods of self doubt and fears.

I will continue with my HRT and will continuing re-evaluating the pros and cons of transitioning probably for a few more months before i have to finalize my commitment due to male fail.

BTW I have not come out as of yet except for my transgender group and wife as I am far from looking the way I need to look to go out in fem.

Good luck and PM if you feel like discussing further,

Hugs,

Emily

[kaitylynn]

Hey Katie,

You are feeling life starting to normalize a bit is all.  It is normal, and will become more normal as time moves along for you.  I was on HRT for 7 months last time and at about month 2 I started to focus in more on raising my kids while providing a good house...sort of picked up nesting.  Just life, but without the bleh of T

The E buzz lasted about 2 weeks for me this time around and then I got back to living and letting my system bake along.  Finding an activity where you can build body awareness, like yoga or martial arts, helps us see things as they change...and that can be a thrill.

Anyway, you'll be fine girl!  If you are concerned, maybe speak to your therapist about it?  She can probably help you to understand where you are right now.

Kaity

[KayXo]

The problem could also be hormonal.

Spironolactone may cause blood pressure to lower too much and tiredness//fatigue. Drinking enough water and SALT while keeping diuretics, caffeine, potassium intake to a minimum may help.

The other thing is if your estrogen is not high enough to compensate for the loss of T, you may get those symptoms. It is not uncommon for doctors to prescribe insufficient estrogen...

If your T is low, this means Spiro is doing its job and low T is ok if your E is high enough to compensate.

So double check to see if your blood pressure is fine, potassium, sodium levels fine. Then you might inquire into E, perhaps asking for a slight augmentation to see if it helps or not.

[RobynD]

I totally get his and have been there. The high we get from the novelty of an exciting change can not be sustained in the exact same way. I dare say we could not focus on the rest of our life if it did. Think of a new home, a new car, a new school, a new hobby that you fall head over heels in love with. Sometime after it is just your life.

I think what you settle into though is something better, you accept yourself as your true self and start to make your way in the world as that person. Doubts are normal too but when i considered the alternatives, sort of like you did, really the only path forward was as a woman.

Definitely continue to monitor your energy levels with your doc.

Hugs...Robyn

[Mariah]

It totally makes sense. The key in the end is that this is why RLE is a component of transition. They want to see how things are once the thrill wears off and we start to just live and exist as woman and nothing else without giving it any thought. You are know in the dailyness of it and that is why that thrill is gone. Sure some things and milestones will bring that thrill back, but the fact is this is the new normal. Welcome to what being a woman is really about and why it takes a good amount of time to get there. The thrill for me wore off long ago, but then I have been full time for almost 19 months now. It's nothing to worry about, but I know it can be concerning when we first reach that point. Enjoy. Hugs
Mariah

It's because being a woman is starting to become the new normal for me. I'm starting to get over the shock and excitement, and it's starting to simply be who I am. I'm so used to wearing my cut pajama shorts now, every night, and wearing my ladies underwear that it's become second nature. Now, my life as a girl is starting to feel like my normal, and that's completely natural, right? I don't need to constantly feel like "YES! I'm there! I feel so cute, and pretty, and I love myself now!"

[itsApril]

. . . my therapist, and a very good friend on here (:wink kiss: ) told me something that I thought made so much sense. It's because being a woman is starting to become the new normal for me. I'm starting to get over the shock and excitement, and it's starting to simply be who I am. Am I still comfortable dressed as a girl? You bet! But am I overwhelmed? Do I think much about it when I do it at night now? No, not really. My therapist believes that I was confusing this level of thrill as a means of justification for being trans. In reality, she is probably right. . . . Now, my life as a girl is starting to feel like my normal, and that's completely natural, right? I don't need to constantly feel like "YES! I'm there! I feel so cute, and pretty, and I love myself now!"

It's just fine to feel comfortable like this, right? To just let it flow, and barely think about it anymore?

- Katie

Good morning, Katie!

Sure it's okay to feel comfortable rather than excited.  That's what life is.  Transition is a big emotional rush at the beginning because you're starting something huge and new, setting out for a new world emotionally.  Nobody stays thrilled and excited all the time.  (Well, a few people do.  But those are crazy people.)

I'm pretty far along in the process, and I don't wake up every morning thinking "Wow!  I'm a woman!"  But I do wake up every morning AS a woman, in a body and persona and life that is right for me.  I have all sorts of ambitions and plans and resentments and frustrations, just like any other woman.  And this life is WAY better than any way I would be living if I was still trying to live as Andrew instead of being April.

Don't worry too much about the energy level.  When you start messing around with hormone levels there's all sorts weird effects you might feel (most of them temporary) as your system adjusts.  If they persist or get serious, then by all means talk to your doc and have her/him tweak the dosages.

Never lose sight of the big picture.  You'll have some days where it's not clear what's happening, or if anything is happening.  If you're concerned sit down and write out the pros and cons of two ways of life:  Do you want to live as a man?  Or do you want  to live as a woman?  It's YOUR life, so it's YOUR choice.  Also, don't necessarily think you have to transition all the way to the end.  Some trans folks end up somewhere in the middle, and if that's what they like then that's what they should do.

Your enthusiasm and your openness are why we love you.  Don't ever lose those qualities.  You show a talent for happiness, so choose wisely and be happy.

[RedheadWhovian]

This is totally the point. Like any long journey, starting out is usually a thrill and then comes the day to day slog of getting where you are going. You'll find there are ups and downs along the way, that is normal, that is life. Cis people don't wake up thrilled to be the gender they are, they just get on with life.

The tiredness is common, a drop in testosterone will do that. The estrogen should help even it out soon but if not tell your doc.

Okay, thank you so much! I'm just going to wait it out, and hope these feelings of uncertainty go away. Is it common for hormones to cause these very down times? It's confusing my decision, and I hate it. :/

Hi Katie,

Don't feel like you are the only one going thru this, as I have been feeling pretty much the same way for the last few days, fearful of making the wrong decision, of being crazy at age 62 and start growing boobs and transitioning.

I too recently started with transition dosages of Estradiol and Spiro in the last 2 or 3 months, where I had previously been on low dosage of estradiol alone for 6 months which did not affect me this way,  I don't quite think that it is that being female is no longer a novelty, but I think that the hormones affect the brain for a period of time in which it is changing from being saturated with Testosterone and switching to Estrogen and it changes not just our physical appearance but also makes think us think more feminine way in which our interest become second priorities to those which affect the people we love and care such as family and friends.

I am just thinking or typing out-loud, but other transgender friends father along or having completed their transitions have told me that they have also gone thru periods of self doubt and fears.

I will continue with my HRT and will continuing re-evaluating the pros and cons of transitioning probably for a few more months before i have to finalize my commitment due to male fail.

BTW I have not come out as of yet except for my transgender group and wife as I am far from looking the way I need to look to go out in fem.

Good luck and PM if you feel like discussing further,

Hugs,

Emily

Awww *hugs* thank you, Emily. ^_^ I hope that your transition can go well, and I hope you can come out completely soon, and at a time that you feel comfortable. It's nice to know I am not the only one going through these feelings. And the way you say the brain starts to change from a masculine mindset to a feminine one is exactly what I was hoping for.

Hey Katie,

You are feeling life starting to normalize a bit is all.  It is normal, and will become more normal as time moves along for you.  I was on HRT for 7 months last time and at about month 2 I started to focus in more on raising my kids while providing a good house...sort of picked up nesting.  Just life, but without the bleh of T

The E buzz lasted about 2 weeks for me this time around and then I got back to living and letting my system bake along.  Finding an activity where you can build body awareness, like yoga or martial arts, helps us see things as they change...and that can be a thrill.

Anyway, you'll be fine girl!  If you are concerned, maybe speak to your therapist about it?  She can probably help you to understand where you are right now.

Kaity

Aww thank you so much! This really helps to know. I really hope that's what it is, cause I am feeling so discouraged and doubtful later. I'm like "Wait, why don't I feel happy anymore?" I realize of course that transitioning isn't an instant fix to your problems, and insecurities, but I feel worse than usual. I look at myself in the mirror now, and I feel no emotion for whoever I see. I also worry about what I might leave behind... But it's not like I'd be leaving much. All my friends and family have said they will stick by me. I guess I'm a little afraid of losing something I've been used to for 24 years? Even if I've had the desire to be a woman since the age of 12, there is still something scary about knowing I can no longer be the old me, if that makes sense. Like no, I still feel I'm a girl inside, but there are those fears. :/ I hope this changes, once I get happier... If I do.

The problem could also be hormonal.

Spironolactone may cause blood pressure to lower too much and tiredness//fatigue. Drinking enough water and SALT while keeping diuretics, caffeine, potassium intake to a minimum may help.

The other thing is if your estrogen is not high enough to compensate for the loss of T, you may get those symptoms. It is not uncommon for doctors to prescribe insufficient estrogen...

If your T is low, this means Spiro is doing its job and low T is ok if your E is high enough to compensate.

So double check to see if your blood pressure is fine, potassium, sodium levels fine. Then you might inquire into E, perhaps asking for a slight augmentation to see if it helps or not.

Thank you! She is checking my levels on the 5th. I wouldn't be surprised if my levels are too low. Let's just say I've always had some sort of sense of fatigue in my life, and I've never felt like a person who has much testosterone in them. Suppose that could be wrong, but I have bad trouble growing muscles, and I cannot grow facial hair. I'm also very sensitive... Though, honestly, less so now. :/

I totally get his and have been there. The high we get from the novelty of an exciting change can not be sustained in the exact same way. I dare say we could not focus on the rest of our life if it did. Think of a new home, a new car, a new school, a new hobby that you fall head over heels in love with. Sometime after it is just your life.

I think what you settle into though is something better, you accept yourself as your true self and start to make your way in the world as that person. Doubts are normal too but when i considered the alternatives, sort of like you did, really the only path forward was as a woman.

Definitely continue to monitor your energy levels with your doc.

Hugs...Robyn

I really appreciate you sharing your input. <3 I'm sorry you've had to go through it too, but what you said makes a lot of sense. I think it may be a combo of both the thrill being gone, and my hormone levels. I can't find myself very excited for much. I also go through confusing debates in my head on whether I'm trans or not all the time. Like would I rather be the girl? Or be the guy with the girl? Or why do I not show certain feminine mannerisms? And why do I sometimes still see myself as a man? Gets so discouraging. :/

It totally makes sense. The key in the end is that this is why RLE is a component of transition. They want to see how things are once the thrill wears off and we start to just live and exist as woman and nothing else without giving it any thought. You are know in the dailyness of it and that is why that thrill is gone. Sure some things and milestones will bring that thrill back, but the fact is this is the new normal. Welcome to what being a woman is really about and why it takes a good amount of time to get there. The thrill for me wore off long ago, but then I have been full time for almost 19 months now. It's nothing to worry about, but I know it can be concerning when we first reach that point. Enjoy. Hugs
Mariah

This helped me a lot! ^_^ Thank you. I think that makes a lot of sense, and it's good to know that it's normal for the thrill to wear off. But will it come back at any points? Like I can't imagine myself thrilled yet at going out in public (My friend who came out as gay says it is impossible to predict how we can feel when we go out in public)

Good morning, Katie!

Sure it's okay to feel comfortable rather than excited.  That's what life is.  Transition is a big emotional rush at the beginning because you're starting something huge and new, setting out for a new world emotionally.  Nobody stays thrilled and excited all the time.  (Well, a few people do.  But those are crazy people.)

I'm pretty far along in the process, and I don't wake up every morning thinking "Wow!  I'm a woman!"  But I do wake up every morning AS a woman, in a body and persona and life that is right for me.  I have all sorts of ambitions and plans and resentments and frustrations, just like any other woman.  And this life is WAY better than any way I would be living if I was still trying to live as Andrew instead of being April.

Don't worry too much about the energy level.  When you start messing around with hormone levels there's all sorts weird effects you might feel (most of them temporary) as your system adjusts.  If they persist or get serious, then by all means talk to your doc and have her/him tweak the dosages.

Never lose sight of the big picture.  You'll have some days where it's not clear what's happening, or if anything is happening.  If you're concerned sit down and write out the pros and cons of two ways of life:  Do you want to live as a man?  Or do you want  live as a woman?  It's YOUR life, so it's YOUR choice.  Also, don't necessarily think you have to transition all the way to the end.  Some trans folks end up somewhere in the middle, and if that's what they like then that's what they should do.

Your enthusiasm and your openness are why we love you.  Don't ever lose those qualities.  You show a talent for happiness, so choose wisely and be happy.

Oh my gosh! You are so sweet, and this helped me so much. Thank you! ^_^ *hugs*

What you said makes a lot of sense to me. I do get worried though, because I still catch myself seeing myself as a man, and it sucks. :/ And when I feel comfortable with it, it makes no sense to me. That or I see signs of not being a girl, and blow them out of proportion. I know it doesn't work like that, but it can be so hard sometimes not to think that way. Doesn't help that I have ADD. Haha It's so nice to know that not everyone is as sure as they seem. Well... Just nice to know I'm not alone.

[Mariah]

At different points we do something new and exciting it will return, but will go away just as it has now. It's normal for everyone even CIS who do something new and exciting and it eventually wears and isn't so exciting anymore. Hugs
Mariah

This helped me a lot! ^_^ Thank you. I think that makes a lot of sense, and it's good to know that it's normal for the thrill to wear off. But will it come back at any points? Like I can't imagine myself thrilled yet at going out in public (My friend who came out as gay says it is impossible to predict how we can feel when we go out in public)

[RedheadWhovian]

At different points we do something new and exciting it will return, but will go away just as it has now. It's normal for everyone even CIS who do something new and exciting and it eventually wears and isn't so exciting anymore. Hugs
Mariah

I definitely feel a little better. Thank you.

[Mariah]

Your welcome, I'm glad to hear that. Hugs
Mariah

[RedheadWhovian]

Should I be feeling differently, mentally, as well? Maybe that hasn't started yet.

[itsApril]

Should I be feeling differently, mentally, as well? Maybe that hasn't started yet.

You ARE feeling differently, Katie.  You just don't realize it yet.  That's how HRT works - slowly and gradually.  Day to day, you don't notice changes.  Then something happens that makes you look back at the past and it blows your mind how different things are.

Transwomen are always complaining that HRT takes too long for physical changes to occur.  But if you've looked around the threads in here you'll see lots of them in which someone looks back and compares her appearance to what it was before she started the process or how she looked early in the game.  Those small, gradual changes add up to remarkable shifts in appearance and presentation.

You'll find that the same applies to mental and emotional changes as well as physical ones.  Two months is early in the game.  But yes, you ARE changing.  Take a look in the rear-view mirror if you don't believe me.

[RedheadWhovian]

I do believe you. I just wish I could notice those changes. I know that physically it is a very slow process, so I guess it is mentally too? If two months isn't really much, then I'm not worried. It's just... Difficult to sometimes FEEL like I'm Katie, I guess? Maybe feeling like I'm my female self doesn't really require anything particular. And maybe the only reason I still see myself as male sometimes is because I've grown so accustomed to it.

[itsApril]

And maybe the only reason I still see myself as male sometimes is because I've grown so accustomed to it.

24 years as your old guy self.  Two months so far as Katie.  Give it time to work.

When I started to transition actively, I felt haunted by my old Andrew self.  It was painful to look at old photos and see the person/personality I was leaving behind.  Now when I see photos of the old Andrew, they have lost their edge.  They just seem like photos of someone I used to know who is no longer important to me now.

[RedheadWhovian]

24 years as your old guy self.  Two months so far as Katie.  Give it time to work.

When I started to transition actively, I felt haunted by my old Andrew self.  It was painful to look at old photos and see the person/personality I was leaving behind.  Now when I see photos of the old Andrew, they have lost their edge.  They just seem like photos of someone I used to know who is no longer important to me now.

Wow! I was always under the impression that anyone who goes through with this isn't afraid of leaving behind their old self. This helps me a lot. Thank you.

[Valwen]

I find that whenever I start taking or change the dosage of a mood or hormone influanceing drug I tend to sleep more go to be earlier exc. for a while afterwards. Happend when i started HRT and when I upped my dose is happening now after starting Antidepressents. I think the body just gets worn out and takes time to adapt, though it was nice being tired at 3am for a change.

Serena

[RobynD]

Wow! I was always under the impression that anyone who goes through with this isn't afraid of leaving behind their old self. This helps me a lot. Thank you.

I went through that as well. Even though my old self was not whole and totally functioning for me, it was comfortable, i liked my looks generally, my wife loved my old physical package etc.

So to put it behind me was both scary and worrisome. My GD never took the form of disgust of my body in any great way except for body hair, that stuff freaked me out and i was getting rid of that 20 yrs ago when i could. The new me though is great. I admit to having the doppleganger fantasy though and wishing i could flip back and fourth at times. Still if i was such a being, i would likely spend most of my time in a copy of Kate Hudson's body.

[RedheadWhovian]

I went through that as well. Even though my old self was not whole and totally functioning for me, it was comfortable, i liked my looks generally, my wife loved my old physical package etc.

So to put it behind me was both scary and worrisome. My GD never took the form of disgust of my body in any great way except for body hair, that stuff freaked me out and i was getting rid of that 20 yrs ago when i could. The new me though is great. I admit to having the doppleganger fantasy though and wishing i could flip back and fourth at times. Still if i was such a being, i would likely spend most of my time in a copy of Kate Hudson's body.

That makes me feel a little more comfortable, and I'm glad you can be too. Right now, I just bought a new shirt and jeans, and I'm sad that it doesn't excite me that much. :/ Ugh, I wish this confusion would stop.