Am i transgender? I'm confused!

[Momo9525]

Hello, i'm new here, this is my first post. 

Where should i begin with? I'm a 21 year old male currently as a university student (in germany) and in the last months i was thinking a lot about if i'm maybe transgender...

If I'm right, since i was 14 i knew something could be not right about me. As how it was possible, i was crossdressing since i was 14 and I thought it was so wrong but it felt so good and i was happy everytime i could wear womans clothes. Unfortunately, my mother catched me crossdressing one time when i was 15 but she and later my father and my brother were not shocked, but just confused. My mother even asked me if i wanted to be a girl but the situation was so confusing and embarassing for me that i denied it all the time whether the fact that i wasn't sure about the answer. I took a break of crossdressing for nearly one year until i started again and was never catched again. My earliest "wrong" memories go to the age of 5 or 6 where i put a BH under my Shirt when i was sleeping. Also at this moment i was catched but she took it with humour and didn't ask any further. Now i'm wearing thights at home which i bought this month (i'm living 100 km away from my family and friends because of university). It's feeling good, but it makes me not that happy that it would help.

And another thing that feels like a pretty weird thing to do. I experience masturbation in a girl/womans point of view since i can remember it. It feels better in my imagination and at the act of masturbation itself. I usually am a girl i know or a feminized version of myself in different variations in my imagination. My counterpart is sometimes a faceless male or another girl i know. I don't know what it says about me.

And yeah, especially in the last months i feel this stronger urge to want to be a girl with all the components and behaviour it includes to be a girl. I imagine myself very often how i do everyday things as a woman and it makes me happy at times. But it's so confusing.. I want to have a girls body with breasts, the vagina and all the stuff, but i still only "have crushes" on females. I don't know how to feel about this but this urge of wanting to be a girl is "exhausting" me so much sometimes. But sometimes, everything's alright and i'm more or less okay with being a guy and these thoughts are almost not there.

Can you say what i am? It would be nice to hear some opinions to know where i'm standing. (And sorry for any spelling mistakes, it's a long time since i wrote such an essay.  )

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. Only you can tell us what you are, but from your description, you are transgender and I think you might be transsexual. I was also transsexual and your desire to have a fully feminine body would make you one as well. This is subject to change as you explore the other options in therapy. Feel free to ask me any questions you might have and I will do my best to answer them. For now, I am going to give you two links that will help you explore yourself. The first is our Wiki where you will learn what transgender is. The second is "the transition channel" where you can start exploring your feelings and see if what I suggested is correct.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

[Rachel]

Hi Momo,

from reading your post I recommend you see a gender therapist. With their help, you can decide what you want to do. Keep an open mind, be kind to yourself and being trans is not bad. You cannot control who you are or that you may have a female brain.

[Momo9525]

Thank you Dena and Rachel for your quick replies and opinions!

For now i will read the wiki and watch the videos to inform myself. I have only one question on my mind now, regarding Rachels recommendation to go see a gender therapist. Do you know if the insurance covers the costs? I'm pretty broke at the moment and can't afford many things.

Finding a gender therapist should be no problem, i have a former half-sister who is currently on HRT, he surely can recommend me one and help me with my issue. I wouldn't mind coming out to him, basically we are sitting in the same boat and i can trust him.

[Dena]

Depending on the policy, it may cover therapy and transgender treatment but there may be some transitions cost not covered by the policy. It best to review your policy and find out what the limits are. In addition, some therapist work on a sliding scale depending on your income. An option available to me was group therapy. I could attend group therapy for one month at the same cost a one hour session would cost. Look around a bit and see what is available to you.

[Meghan]

After I took COGATI MtF test I know I am in Level Five Transsexual Gender Dysphoria. I already know who I am, but to make sure that what true. I retake the test two weeks later with the same results. I just received a phone call about my first counseling appointment with Gender Dysphoria specialist in two weeks.

Sent from my Z970 using Tapatalk

[Devlyn]

Hi Momo, welcome to Susan's Place! Transgender is an umbrella term covering a lot of gender territory, and crossdressing falls under it. Since you're already doing that, congratulations, you're one of us!    See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

[stephaniec]

try a counselor at your university

[Qrachel]

Dear Momo:

The best way to address your question is to see a therapist and start attending a trans-support group if you have one available to you.  Of course, hanging out here is a terrific thing to do as well.

On the surface you have many indicators that suggest you maybe trans.  Seeking professional help and attending a support group are the tried and true ways to sus this out. 

Take care and keep sharing - we love sharing here,

Rachel

[Momo9525]

I will look how the situation is, regarding the therapists i can go to. Soon i have university holidays (in which there are only the exams i have to pass), so i have more free time in which i can go to a therapist.

Unfortunately there is no special counselor at my university for this issue, but i informed myself that my university is a LGBT-friendly one. That is good to know at least.

Some hours ago i researched the financial stuff and luckily the insurance covers the therapist (the first 5 meetings for sure and after it the therapist can demand reimbursement) and hormones and such most of the time.

Last night i read and watched through the stuff Dena recommended me and it seems that i'm transgender and luckily i have a pretty mild dysphoria for most of the time.

And by the way, thank you for your answers again. Greetings!

[Devlyn]

I'm sure you're trying to be helpful, but these are the terms and definitions that we use on the site.

Community Definitions:

Transgender: an inclusive umbrella term which covers anyone who transcends their birth gender for any reason. This includes but is not limited to Androgynes, Crossdressers, Drag kings, Drag queens, Intersexuals, Transsexuals, and ->-bleeped-<-s.

Androgyne: An androgynous person

Androgynous: Being neither distinguishably masculine nor feminine, as in dress, appearance, or behavior.

Crossdresser: a person wears the clothing of the opposite gender, and has no desire to permanently change their sex. There is generally no sexual motivation for the cross-dressing.

Drag kings: performers, usually gay women or transgendered men - who dress in "drag," clothing associated with the male gender, usually highly exaggerated versions thereof. Drag kings often do drag to perform, singing or lip-syncing and dancing, participating in events such as gay pride parades, cabarets, discotheques, and other celebrations and venues.

Drag queens: performers, usually gay men or transgendered women - who dress in "drag," clothing associated with the female gender, usually highly exaggerated versions thereof. Drag queens often do drag to perform, singing or lip-syncing and dancing, participating in events such as gay pride parades, cabarets, discotheques, and other celebrations and venues.

Intersexual: a person born with the full or partial sex organs of both sexes; with underdeveloped or ambiguous sex organs; a sex chromosome karyotype other than XX or XY; or sex hormone receptor problems which prevent normal absorption of Estrogen or Androgens. Intersexual persons may seek to make their body as congruent as possible with the preferred sex through surgery and hormone treatments.

Significant other: for the purpose of this site, someone close to a person who is transgender. This may be a mother, father, son, daughter, sister, brother, family member, husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, or friend.

Transsexual: a person who is mentally one gender, but has the body of the other. They desire to live and be accepted as a member of the mental gender, this is generally accompanied by the strong desire to make their body as congruent as possible with the preferred sex through surgery and hormone treatments.

->-bleeped-<-: a person who wears the clothing of the opposite gender, and has no desire to permanently change their sex. There is generally a strong sexual motivation for the cross-dressing.

Other terms:

Post-Ops: Transsexuals who have had surgical procedures to make their body as congruent as possible with their preferred sex. For MTF transsexuals this is generally considered to be after Genital surgery (GRS, orchiectomy, and/or penectomy), for FTM transsexuals it is generally considered to be after top surgery.

Pre-ops: Transsexuals who desire to to make their body as congruent as possible with their preferred sex, but have not yet had the surgical procedures for whatever reason.

This is not intended to be a glossary of all tg related terms. This just defines the make-up of the community on this site.

Proper Pronouns

Always use proper gender terms and pronouns based on the person's expressed self identity. Intentionally misgendering someone will result in a ban no matter what provocation you think you experienced.

For Male to Female Transsexuals: Male to Female transsexuals are women, and should be addressed in the feminine,  Brava instead of Bravo. recommended pronouns include She, Her, and Hers.

For Female to Male Transsexuals: Female to Male transsexuals are men, and should be addressed in the masculine Bravo instead of Brava. Recommended pronouns include He, Him, and His.

Gender Neutral: Whenever possible avoid the use feminine or masculine forms. Recommended pronouns include Them, They, and Their.

Note: ->-bleeped-<- and ->-bleeped-<- are considered extremely pejorative and should not be used on this site. Terms like Ladyboy should be limited to use in their specific cultural reference.

[JMJW]

He's transcending his gender stereotype based on what was posted. If that makes him transgender based on the definitions of this community, than he is transgender based on the definitions of this community. I think he's a crossdresser who has fantasies, seemingly sexual, of living as a woman. There doesn't seem to be much dysphoria here. I certainly don't think he's transsexual.

[Momo9525]

In the last few months nothing big except moving out of my mothers house for studying reasons (October 2015) happened in my life. There is no real trigger that i can think of why this urge wanting to be a woman is getting stronger in the last past months. This feeling was always slightly there for 6-7 years now but i tried to suppress it to eventually make it go away. But now it's there constantly and being strong and i'm unsettled regularly.

Regarding the crossdressing, i get no sexual feeling from it, it only makes me feel better (until i look at myself in the mirror). As for the part of hating my maleness or my fate of being born in male i can say, that there is not really a strong hate, but a more or less strong uneasiness when i look at me or thinking about being male for the rest of my life. Sorry for not having that clear in my introduction.

Also thank you for your opinion, JMJW!

(I will give you an update when i talked with my FTM-half-brother about it and had my first meeting with a therapist! Greetings!)